Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends husband suddenly died

213 replies

TheStandardLife · 16/02/2023 13:39

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/02/2023 15:29

She will need to get to a DWP office and fill forms for widow 's benefit, maybe sign on, too. Best to have a good friend with you for that, too. And a pack of tissues.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/02/2023 15:29

@ItsaMetalBand

that’s is so helpful and self effacing. Giving people what they need, not what you want to give. 💐

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/02/2023 15:30

The most important thing you can do is continue to reach out and step up, especially around the 6-8 months mark, when other well wishers will have drifted. That’s often when people need help the most.

EngTech · 16/02/2023 15:32

Think what needs to be done post funeral

Keep in touch I.e. Pop round for a cup of tea on a regular basis and listen to them

We each grieve in a different way so play it by ear

Post funeral is when support is really needed

Bigpinktrain · 16/02/2023 15:32

Yes to regular communication, I felt forgotten when my partner died, people would text for the first week but then not again, in truth the texts were needed more as time passed.
Also flowers are lovely but practical items are better, food for freezer, taking the dog for a walk (if she has one obviously!) helping by taking a load of laundry?
You find that sometimes couples slip into roles around the house, my partner mowed the lawn and did the ironing, so I found those a real struggle to begin with, not because I didn’t know what to do as such, but because I couldn’t get my head around him not being there to do it. My mom and brother helped with that. So anything along those lines are life savers.
Knowing she has someone is invaluable, just be her friend.

Strawberrydelight78 · 16/02/2023 15:33

I'm like that when I'm stressed.. But also causes me to have stomach ache so I can't manage meals as such. I just snack on toast the odd bit of cereal and fruit. Might be worth collecting some snack foods like that together and tea and coffee essentials she will get visitors so she doesn't have to think about preparing heating it up. If her house is always cold she would appreciate an oodie. I live in mine in the house and saves on heating costs. Help with orgonising the funeral and as someone said further up go with her to register his death.

RobertsRadio · 16/02/2023 15:35

Offer to get food and meals in. The suggestions of offering to go with her to register the death is a good idea as is offers of practical help with organising the funeral. Also she may want help with packing up her husband's clothes and getting them out of the house.

After the funeral will be the hard for them both as their new reality hits home. Let her talk as much about her DH and join in with memories of your own, it means so much to be able to talk about your loved one, especially with someone who knew that person too, and if she cries let her and don't look embarrassed, that is the worst.

The weekends are the worst after someone has died, everyone else getting on with their lives, so in the coming months invite them over to yours for Sunday lunch, or suggest a walk and a pub lunch and as the weather gets better include them in some family days out, they will really appreciate this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/02/2023 15:36

Please re-think the meals. When my mom died, we threw away so much food because we didn't trust the givers' hygiene, or the source of the meat, or just plain didn't like the spices and foods. One person's casserole is another's trash. Unless you know someone really loves your lasagne, etc. and has room to store it, please refrain.

What DID help was a friend who wheeled up with two boxes with the components for meals and snacks. Sliced ham, turkey, various types of cheese, croissant, baguette, pickles, olives, butter, crisps, some crudite, couple of pasta-type salads, brownies. Wine, coca-cola and other beverages. That way we could make ourselves a sandwich or something with little fuss or mess, and to our own taste.

SpeckledlyHen · 16/02/2023 15:38

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:43

Oh dear

please don't be offended, your hamper sounds a bit odd, like something you give someone if they've had a breakup rather than a bereavement. When did the bereavement happen?

I agree. I think whilst it might have come from a kind place it is inappropriate. I think you are better assisting with chores (shopping/dog walking/looking after kids) or providing meals.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/02/2023 15:38

Another thing that may be helpful if she has a vehicle -- take it, clean it out (take some boxes or bags if there is a lot of kiddie stuff or sports gear in the vehicle) take it to a centre & thoroughly vacuum and detail it, get the exterior washed, fill it with petrol. Someone did that for me after a bereavement and it was of immense help.

AaaaaandBreathe · 16/02/2023 15:38

nocookiesnocream · 16/02/2023 14:14

When did grief become commercialised? Just be a decent friend who is physically present when she needs you to be and like others have said offer your time and presence

Do not send a hamper for goodness sake. Fluffy socks? What use is that really? Other than to make yourself feel like you've done something good. It's self indulgent

Just be there

I think that's really unkind. It's not self indulgent to try think what to do in these circumstances, particularly if you've not experienced it yourself. The OP is asking before she offers anything and is doing her best.

I agree the socks and chocolate are a bad idea. Practical help and meals as others have suggested and don't keep your distance. You sound like a lovely friend.

MyAnacondaMight · 16/02/2023 15:39

Also piling in to say no to the socks. This isn’t an occasion to mark with a grand gesture. You get no prizes for delivering the biggest widow hamper.

Find out what your friend needs and quietly find a way to give it to her. Walk the dog, do laundry, make toast, or give her space if that’s what she’s asking for. It may be that she has people looking after her, and so your practical support isn’t required. If that’s the case then respect that.

Mummyof287 · 16/02/2023 15:39

I think a card & flowers would be best in this situation.x

elephantmarchingin · 16/02/2023 15:42

I'd write a letter to pop in the hamper basically saying I am here to offer xyz.

Give her a little space if she wants it for a week or so and then reach out again

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/02/2023 15:42

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:43

Oh dear

please don't be offended, your hamper sounds a bit odd, like something you give someone if they've had a breakup rather than a bereavement. When did the bereavement happen?

I agree, no hamper but meals is a great idea.

Aldisfinest · 16/02/2023 15:44

When I lost a very close relative, I would of thought the hamper was very thoughtful. Everyone's different and you know your friend the best.

Coxspurplepippin · 16/02/2023 15:46

Make the time to call round for a weekly cuppa or go out for a walk with her over the coming months - take your cues from her as to if/when she wants to talk about her loss. She'll probably have lots of company/help in the immediate aftermath but this tails off as people get caught back up in their own lives. Just let her know you haven't forgotten she's grieving.

Blablablablaba · 16/02/2023 15:48

Meals will be a good help def. Does she have other gd family support? I'd be less inclined to offer help with funeral things if the family are also there. U can always offer though. Go round and make tea, do a bit of cleaning tidying, washing up, washing clothes or whatever needs done. If she wouldn't mind.

Be a shoulder to cry on or not sometimes she might just want to be alone.

Get her some food shopping or ask what she needs. Offer babysitting as there will be times that the family need to go and arrange stuff and will not want to take the child with them.

My sister lost her partner in her early 30's and he was only 35. Also sudden, like he went to work and didn't come home. They had young kids too. It's beyond sad, so I know where ur coming from and u want to help.

Maybe offer to help pick the funeral flowers or just go with her. I know my sister went herself (I don't know why but she decided to) the florist thought it was her dad she was burying. So there's a lot of situations where people will assume things because it's unusual for someone that age to be burying their husband!

It's hard to know what to say and do. Even now several years later I don't know if she'd want me to mention the anniversary or not etc.

What I do know is that there is a lot to do. Ask if she would like u to call anyone or help make a list of what needs done. She will likely now be entitled to benefits I know last thing she's thinking of.

It's very practical help and there is lots:

First thing is the death certificate
Insurance (if they had life insurance)
The bank
council re council tax reduction
Mobile phone provider
Pensions provider (so she can get his pension payments returned to her)
I think there's something u can do online and it lets all government companies know
Any bills for the house that are in his name need transferred.

Also let her know she can apply for a bereavement payment from the government. I think it's £10k it might help with funeral expenses etc (not what it's actually for though) but they do have to be married.

luckylavender · 16/02/2023 15:51

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 13:43

Oh dear

please don't be offended, your hamper sounds a bit odd, like something you give someone if they've had a breakup rather than a bereavement. When did the bereavement happen?

I thought this

weirdoboelady · 16/02/2023 15:53

A silly practical thing - if she wears socks because she is cold I would buy her an Oodie. Maybe a real one if you are rich, but I'm not rich so I would get one with a sherpa lining on tinternet or at Primark. Here's a link to what I mean www.primark.com/en-gb/p/womens-velour-hooded-snuddie-light-green-991040363413 - incredibly warm and the nearest thing to a hug I have ever had from clothing.

I don't know how much time you have to be able to give to her and support her, but the ideal for me would be to read www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/ so that you know what your friend will need to do (draw her attention to this if she hasn't already seen it and is floundering) and think about what steps you can realistically offer her help with.

When people are very distressed and/or in shock, they quite often respond well to being treated like a small child, and led by the hand to do things that they would manage without a thought in everyday life. I know I am like this! Others have suggested accompanying her to appointments - this really helps.

butterfliedtwo · 16/02/2023 15:59

BellaJuno · 16/02/2023 13:55

I know you feel you have to DO something but honestly, take your cues from her. Ask her what you can do, don’t overwhelm her by assuming what she needs.

Please consider this. So important.

WaltzingWaters · 16/02/2023 16:00

You sounds lovely.

meals were a huge help when we lost my mum. Things we could pop in the oven but we’re still healthy proper meals.

message before you’re going to the supermarket and ask if she needs anything

message every few days just saying thinking of you. Send a heart. It sounds like nothing but it shows you’re thinking of her but she has no pressure to respond if she’s not up to it.

offer to help with arranging the funeral, registering the death etc.

and keep being there for her after the funeral. People generally move on after this but it’s still huge for immediate family. Talk about her DH if she seems to want to, some people can get awkward/nervous about mentioning them but it’s usually nice to still talk about them for those closest to them. (Of course not everyone will want to or be ready to talk about them right away).

newjobnewstartihope · 16/02/2023 16:00

When my friend lost her daughter I knew there was no gift in existence that would 'cheer her up'
The only thing I could do was be there. Take her where she needed to go. Stay away if she didn't want me. Fetch and carry. Whatever was required basically. She won't remember anything you buy her but she will never forget you being there

Britinme · 16/02/2023 16:02

Please don't send flowers. When my beloved first husband died suddenly I was inundated with bouquets at home - there were 22 at one point - and not only was it hard to find things to put them all in, they were big and occupied a lot of space and then I had to watch them all die.

Gemmanorthdevon · 16/02/2023 16:06

So I have the best friend that ever walked the planet. Whilst going through a traumatic time recently, she did drop me a hamper and I really appreciated it. It was confirmation she loved me and she was there for anything I needed. So drop that hamper with confidence, and tell you will await further instructions!

She did errands, household stuff, and crappy calls...But the best thing she ever did, was to sit and listen to me howl in a way we only howl when facing our worst nightmare. And she wasn't scared of it, it didn't faze her and she wasn't scared about it happening again.

You sound like a really lovely friend.