Friends husband suddenly died

[TheStandardLife]

My sweet friend's husband has suddenly died, a huge huge shock and so desperately sad.

What can I do to help. They have a young adult child also.

I've made a hamper of a few things to drop off, cosy socks, chocolates, a pocket hug, what else can I add to it?

I was going to go to the local farm shop and get some of those nice frozen ready meals.

What can else can I do? I'm upset and just want to be there for her which I will be, but what can I do thats practical to help.

😪

Someone bought me a hamper with sleep spray, chocolate etc when my DH suddenly died. Don’t do it.

Someone else got me ‘Cook’ ready meals. They were helpful. I also had a friend walk round the supermarket with me the first time I needed to go, you are prone to bursting into tears at any moment.

I also felt too overwhelmed to drive anywhere for the first couple of weeks, so if you can offer to drive them anywhere they need to go.

If they have a dog, offer to walk it, or if they have a garden, offer to come and do some gardening.

Agree with PP about the second year when everyone expects you to just crack on, make sure you are still there.

A good thing to do might be to ask her if there's anyone who needs to know but where it doesn't have to be her, ie are there friends/relatives who you can ring for her?

And what she might like you to say

It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do something . Stop a little while. Ask her if she wants you to stay or leave her. Sit quietly with her. Let her talk if she wants. Offer to accompany her if she wants to go anywhere, drive as she may be too in shock.

Like others said cooked meals in freezer or fridge are good, fruit , biscuits, cakes , smoothies, little porridge pots, are good. Friend probably won't have an appetite or not be able to taste her food for a while, grief turns food to ash in your mouth.

One of my vaguest memories is a friend bringing a fluffy blanket round (so I see where you're going with fluffy socks) and leaving it folded up on back top of my sofa.

When I wasn't in bed howling or keeping my eyes closed to shut out the nausea , I wrapped myself up in that blanket on the sofa, just staring vacantly.

I think id have gotten frozen through with barely noticing as it was hard to move, i lost hours and days, so I really appreciated that little bit of warmth and softness. (I had other blankets around the house but my head wasn't working) but somehow that little colourful blanket became important to me. She did it well though, she left it folded without saying anything.

Im sure she also cooked for me, cleaned subtly, emptied dishwasher, put laundry through, picked up post all very quietly- I'm sure I fell asleep a lot when she was visiting.

But she always texted me before coming round -"dropping by in half hour if that's ok.. you can leave me on doorstep or open your door let me in and I'll make you a cuppa ." She was never noisy unless I was (we laughed hysterically at some things that were just ironic but I led that..)

@WinterFoxes
Organising a funeral is very hard work. There's loads you could do to help with this.
Offer to accompany her to the funeral directors. Some are relaly horrible and try and manipulate you into overspending by implying that if you love someone you want 'the best' for them. Make sure she isn;t pushed into anything that she seems uncertain about.

Wow! I'm a funeral arranger and find this really insulting. I'm sure there are cowboys out there, but the vasy majority of us are caring, have empathy, and let the client lead us in what they want. I'd never push a family to have something they don't want.

Socks?!

The first time I went to the supermarket I was in a total daze, I have no idea how I managed to do a shop. The best thing I remember, was the week after the funeral when I was still off work, friends arranged for me to go for coffee with a couple of them at a time three times that week. I could cancel any time I wished but it was definitely the best thing for me. I got out the house and into a different environment but it felt safe and not pressured. I was fed up of people in my house so wanted to be out. I was also incredibly picky about which friends I wanted to see and there were some, much as I loved them I had no interest in whatsoever. It was very strange

Frozen meals sounds like a good idea. I hated things like chocolates, cards and flowers when we lost our baby. Every time I went downstairs and saw all those stupid massive bunches of flowers and cards, it made me sad again.

I also echo what others have said about being a good friend. I had silence from pretty much everyone (including my family) as no one knew what to say to me. That hurt a lot. I just wanted someone to say "sorry everything is so crap right now. Do you want to talk about her?"

Please don't take that box. It's really not going to be wanted.

Are you a good friend? It’s all kinds of weird if a casual acquaintance or just ordinary friend goes overboard during a bereavement.

TBH the most useful thing is low level, casualish contact over the months and years to follow. The immediate aftermath of a death is horrific and everyone wants to jump in.

Please don't give a journal, chocolates and fluffy socks

I can't imagine many more I appropriate gifts tbh. The journal suggestion made me gasp, she's not going to want to be writing in that.

I was like a zombie

l really wouldn't take a hamper round, it's not appropriate.

Simple things mean so much - drop off a few meals, offer to help with any paperwork, offer to drive her to anywhere she needs to go. The best thing you can offer is your time. People often need to talk about things over and over, just to get their thoughts in some sort of order.

Most of all, remember that many friends move on with with normal life once a funeral is over. Be that friend who doesn't, the one who is still caring and listening; it will mean so much.

Offer to do a food shop for them, meals, any appointments they need driving to. You sounds like a lovely friend

This is what I was trying to say. 100%,

Please, not the hamper. Fluffy socks and chocolate are not appropriate. As for the journal suggestion...

Just be there. Let her know that you know that what has happened is completely shit. Then just keep on reliably being there for the weeks and months and years to follow (for her adult DC, too, if you know them well).

A pocket hug? What on earth is that? Why are you taking her stuff that's basically just landfill?

Get a card, go round to see her, listen to her and ask her what she needs. Do some practical things.

Things I have appreciated after a bereavement and have tried to replicate for other friends:

• the friend who regularly dropped round lunches - just a portion or two of soup, some bread, some cheese, a salad, or snack food (someone made me nice energy balls) - healthy, low effort (for me) food, which didn't take up loads of fridge space or end up wasted (for us, evening meals would have been too much unless pre-arranged).
• the close friends who checked in regularly but without pressure, and suggested walks and coffees but didn't force them
• the less close friends who sent lovely letters and cards (sometimes that's all you need to do), and were kind when I saw them but didn't cross boundaries
• the people who remembered longer term, and sent texts / cards on the first anniversary, and sometimes subsequent ones too (close friends).

I would agree that ready to cook meals now, and companionship after the funeral. My adrenaline kept me going until the funeral, then there’s just an awful gap

Agree with others that a hamper as you’ve described probably isn’t the best option. But the idea of nice meals and just eat voucher are good. When we lost our son my friends had a supermarket shop delivered about a week later - I appreciated that.

But really the most important thing is to be there and to listen. We lost my Dad when I was a child and my Mum was so upset by the number of people that avoided her because they felt awkward. Just by showing up and being there you’re being a good friend - ask gentle questions but take their lead generally listening or just letting them have a shoulder to cry on is the most helpful thing.

Food and assistance with any administrative task might be helpful?

The hamper sounds a bit odd, more like something you'd do for someone with flu.
How close are you? Do you normally speak often?
I would avoid food as they probably won't want to eat.
Give your time. Go round and talk and listen. Offer practical help.
Keep it up, bereavement doesn't just last a week.

I know you mean well - but the fluffy socks and chocolates and pocket hugs for a *partner's death *feels a combination of twee and insulting I wouldn't be able to stomach. It's not a break up, or a friendship spat, or treatment sessions that could use soft socks.

Please, please do not give these items.

A heartfelt note in a card, regular check ins which do not expect a response, and if appropriate perhaps some cooked meals (that too I don't know what fridge or freezer or head space she has really). that's it.

@TheStandardLife My partner of 5.5 years died suddenly last November - we didn't live together and we 'on a 3 month break' as the youngsters say, whilst he settled in a new city. But we were best friends. I had nursed him through a full mental breakdown, he lived with me for 7 months to find his feet but he never did hence the move.
Everyone has been really sympathetic and kind and loving when I'm with them, all have said 'call me if you need anything' when actually I haven't had the brain space or function to call someone. How do I say to someone 'my world has turned upside down and I feel like I'm drowning in fresh air' - its not something you can voice. The last thing I can face is going out for a drink or meal or coffee or anything except work or the gym (no interactions needed) so my suggestion is don't wait for her to come to you - go to your friend - take a cake or some biscuits or some wine (not always appreciated tbh) and give her your time, even if its just half an hour of companionable silence rather than a hamper of 'stuff'. She might not be able to face lots of talk right now or maybe she will want to talk. Probably won't know what she wants to do or eat or think.

The worst thing for me is the lack of hugs from another adult - adult kids dont count. When my dad hugs me, I can hardly bear to let go as its heaven to feel a pair of adult arms around me again. Give her hugs. Long ones or short ones. And take a hankie.

Can you offer to have her child for an hour or two/however much she wants/needs. She will have lots of things to do and also arranging the funeral is not a place to take a young child/she may just need space and to be in her own thoughts for a bit so would appreciate some child free time.

Your suggestion to get some nice meals is lovely but not sure about the items you have mentioned in the hamper. Whilst they sound nice, maybe more suited if she was ill but not when her DH has just died.