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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

220 replies

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 12:19

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 12/02/2023 12:20

This reply has been deleted

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Sirzy · 12/02/2023 12:21

The wedding is about you two so do what feels right for the pair of you.

if eloping feels right for you both then do it. You can always have a big family party when the baby is here to celebrate everything.

LlynTegid · 12/02/2023 12:21

I admire people who have a wedding with maybe only a couple of friends as witnesses. It's about the commitment not a show.

Having such a wedding means you will never be in MILs pocket, perhaps a good thing, especially for your future DH.

DashboardConfessional · 12/02/2023 12:22

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Oh for goodness sake. The question is clearly "WIBU to elope?"

Anyway... it depends what your priority is. She sounds like a pain the arse and she will be worse if you do this. But you will have a better wedding day.

TaraMock · 12/02/2023 12:24

In this situation it's not disrespectful at all. She's way over stepping the boundaries here.

@SavoirFlair , that's rude! I wants advice, not to discuss wedding favours.

Redebs · 12/02/2023 12:24

I'd say go for it!
Have a family party another time.
You'll be doing things on your own terms and that's a great start to your own family

TaraMock · 12/02/2023 12:25

TaraMock · 12/02/2023 12:24

In this situation it's not disrespectful at all. She's way over stepping the boundaries here.

@SavoirFlair , that's rude! I wants advice, not to discuss wedding favours.

OP wants advice, not me! That's a typo, I'm not OP with a name change.

Exeterrose · 12/02/2023 12:26

Go for it. I wish we had.

I spent my whole wedding day keeping 4 separated parents apart. DH and mine are all divorced and all hate each other. That's 1 parent per corner of the room

My wedding was a shit day. Not about DH and I at all.

my Dad suggested I eloped and I wish I did it x

Anotheanon · 12/02/2023 12:26

This should be about you and future dh. Not the parents.
Does it feel right to you? Would your mum be calm enough for you to talk it through with her and get her opinion? If it was my daughter I might be a little sad for myself but happy to see her stress free.

Notonthestairs · 12/02/2023 12:27

Well I don't think you can win any which way you do it (unless you hand over control).

So if you prefer not to spend the next few months trying to negotiate with her elope.

GinIronic · 12/02/2023 12:28

Just go the register office with two friends as witnesses - job done. Respect is a two way thing. I would consider it a bonus if your partner gets disowned by his family- saves all the angst and drama and MIL overstepping more boundaries when your baby is here.

ScrantonDunderMifflin · 12/02/2023 12:28

Of course it's not.
We eloped. I could see some raised eyebrows but didn't care. Wedding is about two people committing to each other, not about doing something you don't want to just to make others happy.

abyssofwoah · 12/02/2023 12:28

If she’s like this with your wedding she’ll be worse with the baby. You (and especially your DP) need to enforce the boundaries now. Eloping will just make things worse IMO. But there might be something in just getting it done low key and sooner than summer with no conversation about the plans in advance.

JorisBonson · 12/02/2023 12:28

We did it. Best decision we ever made, and everyone got over it.

stealthninjamum · 12/02/2023 12:29

How is your dp supporting you? Obviously there are two of you making the marriage decision so you should be making the elopement decision together but what’s he doing to support you and reduce the pressure from HIS mother. What is his solution?

if she is always this bad then perhaps being disowned isn’t a bad thing, but if he has had a lifetime of a controlling mother then maybe he needs some counselling to understand what’s going on and to learn to fight back. You don’t want the emotional blackmail and bullying when you have dc

Keyansier · 12/02/2023 12:29

I'm the opposite to most people so far, I personally think this sort of behaviour sounds underhanded and spiteful.

Inkpotlover · 12/02/2023 12:30

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 12:19

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

God if she’s like this with the wedding what will she be like when the baby is here? Have you tried telling her to butt out? I’d call her bluff. Next time she threatens not to come, say ‘we think that’s probably for the best because this is how we want our wedding to be.’

starlingdarling · 12/02/2023 12:30

I kind of eloped. We told people in advance but it was just the two of us. DH's grandmother was unimpressed but that was it. Everybody else was happy for us.

The only other person who had a problem was my manager's manager who thought it was rude that I saw a marriage as for the couple and not some occasion involving families joining together. In her eyes the wedding is about the families, not the couple. God help her children when they get married.

OrigamiOwls · 12/02/2023 12:31

As others have said - if she's like this over the wedding, what is she going to be like once the baby arrives?!

whumpthereitis · 12/02/2023 12:31

Do it. We did, picked a day and went to the registry office with a couple of friends. It was perfect.

My parents and his would have, between them, turned it into a stressful nightmare with their desires for a big ‘event’, something neither of us wanted.

zero regrets!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/02/2023 12:31

It doesn’t sound as though your DP would be able to relax and enjoy an elopement, and it’s only worth doing if its completely right for both of you.
It is definitely time for him to put his foot down with his mother though. She needs to be told that this is not about her, her behaviour towards you is disrespectful to you and if she chooses not to come to the wedding then you would have to sadly accept that she does not wish to be part of your married life together. She does not view as two independent adults and that needs tackling before you become parents.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 12/02/2023 12:32

We eloped. Had a ceremony with 2 people, had a party later down the line with guests (a bit like you would have an evening do).

I won’t lie, it did cause some upset but everyone got over it.

fishonabicycle · 12/02/2023 12:33

No - she's making it stressful - do it.

ExplodingCarrots · 12/02/2023 12:33

This reply has been deleted

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Why are you a twat on most threads you post on ?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 12/02/2023 12:34

Just go to the registry office and get it done. Who needs the palaver?