Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

[Autumnflakes]

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

I'm sorry you cancelled/postponed but it sounds as though it's for the best. If your PIL disown, so be it. Mine threatened similar and I shrugged and said 'on you go then'.
What's important is that you and your fiance have a united front on this and all things. If you do resume planning, make it completely what you two want. Or eloping with a very small select party of witnesses sounds good to me x

I had a wedding with two witnesses and no-one else. We had very specific reasons but honestly I was happy to spend a few hundred quid and say the words to the love of my life. I don't care about performing in front of people.

My honest opinion is weddings have gone mad. They go on soooo long and so expensive and they often sound stressful.

If she does disown you it sounds like a blessing, she sounds unhinged and a nightmare.

We eloped to avoid all family drama.

It was the most romantic and special day of my life.

DP has sent a message begging to not be disowned ...

Why? And what possible reason could there be to hand them this kind of power?

No wonder your own mum's horrified at the idea of you marrying into this, and sorry, but unless you want it to be your life I'd be amazed if the relationship lasts
Trouble is, he'd then be able to take the baby to his mother's himself ...

I'm sorry to hear it's all turning out like this. I feel for your dp - he's been brought up to think this shit is normal and it's hard to break out from that. But you can't be married to a weak man, it will make your life miserable.
My advice is to talk to him and reinforce that you aren't doing anything odd or unreasonable - normal people make their own decisions in life, their mums don't decide everything for them! Mil is the one behaving crazily and selfishly, not you or him.

I think he needs to cut communications with them. And once you and he make a decision on something, he is not to discuss it with them or even inform them without your full consent. The less they know, the less they can interfere.
And you will see whether he can stick to this and have your back.

Once baby is born make a rule that you will decide when (if) the in-laws are allowed to visit - I would advise this be at your mums house or have your mum present do she can advocate for you if dp struggles. I agree with pp that baby gets your name.

There is absolutely no chance in hell that I would allow dp to ever take the baby to his parents house without me - they don't have a right to see your child and it isn't actually good for kids to spend time with people who undermine their parents.

The rule needs to be that you will decide what you want and they can come or not come, and that if they are allowed to visit in future, it's contingent on their polite behaviour - kicking off and crying and undermining gets them no relationship.

You're going to have to assess whether your dp can handle it before you tie yourself to him legally.

They sound extremely controlling.

No offense, but your DP sounds so weak - why is he begging them? He should be enforcing boundaries. This is going to get much worse once you have your baby.

absolutely bollocks! Its not disrespectful.

since when do parents have a right to a child’s wedding?

nothing to do with anyone apart from the couple in question

You need to stop worrying about the wedding / party and start worrying about your partner’s mental health .

He is , I assume, at least 35 years old if not older. He is about to become a father and yet his whole life seems focussed about pleasing his mother. you say you spend every weekend worrying about what she will do or say next.

This is not remotely normal or healthy.

If you plan to stay with him you need to get to a counsellor asap and get sone help to talk this through . You both need help to set some appropriate boundaries if you relationship stands a chance of succeeding.

I agree! He cannot be begging them on one hand and having a baby with/marrying a woman they are verbally abusive to on the other. There is no such thing as pleasing everyone here and he needs to realise that if he chooses them they will do this with any partner for the rest of his days, not just you.

DP has sent a message begging to not be disowned but he’s holding out little hope.

Your DP needs to grow a backbone! This type of message gives PIL agency to behave like completely batshit. Call them out - that is their choice is they want no involvement. I can guarantee they do but it cannot be solely on their terms. Keep the door open but the behaviour cannot continue.

I can only compare your PIL to Harry and Meghan - be like the rest of the RF & never complain or explain and just send them an invite when the wedding is next organised (ideally a couple of weeks before).

Update (I’m now using MN as a diary for all of this shit):

DP chased his parents for a response to his message begging to not be disowned. They responded last night at 11pm:

• They love him and want harmony
• theyve asked him to promise that we won’t elope as they want to be at the wedding to share our happiness.
• MIL is very hurt that she’s been blamed for us cancelling the wedding when it’s obviously due to us not planning it in time - we need to take back the blame.
• They think that all of us should go to our priest for mediation.

then this absolute beauty of a final demand:

”We have waited a long time for a grandchild and so I am sure that you will understand we want to take an active part in the life of our grandchild now and not wait until after the birth”.

Ive told DP that it’s his choice that he wants a relationship with them but I’m out. I’m not having anything to do with them post baby born, and due to my stress levels I’m just done with them. They have nothing positive to add to my life and if he wants to continue this cycle of them taking zero responsibility and constant demands he can crack on.

Also take an active part in the child within my womb?! unhinged.

Unhinged indeed,

Your DP needs to get a grip and go NC for a bit.

They'll be even worse when the baby's here

Unhinged.

Do not marry him.

Lots of men put enormous pressure on new mum's to suck up awful grandparents behaviour.

What if he starts nagging and trying to bully you to involve his parents?

He's so weak and afraid of them "begging them"🙄, that there is every single possibility that this will happen.

If you marry him, the extra complication of marriage and the rights it will give him, will be awful.

A clever woman, in your situation would not marry him, nor give the baby his surname.

A clever woman would protect herself and her baby and not get legal entangled with a marriage into THAT family.

A clever woman would decide to wait out the first year + and see how this all plays out.

A clever woman would listen to her parents who are probably appalled at the Jeremy Kyle style family and all their ugly drama.

A clever woman would believe people when they tell her that when you are raising a child, working, and so busy with juggling it all, the drama his family likes and creates will get so old, so quickly.

You sound so lovely.

I really hope you are a clever woman.

Jesus, OP. You need to keep away from this batshit family. Either your DP goes NC with them or you don't get married. What a miserable life they will bring you.

What would be the worst that would happen if you were to elope (with your parents along for the ride)? Seems like relations are already at rock bottom so i’d just go for it. Have a lovely day- invite a couple of close mates along as well.

What @billy1966 said.

He needs to send back a clear no to all of the above! Unless he replies telling them that you and he will make decisions for your wedding and child and they aren't entitled to anything, I don't see much future in this relationship tbh, as lovely as he might be

I think her behaviour is really awful but I don't think young people realise just how many of us oldies had no say in our own weddings at all. Almost everything was masterminded by parents especially the brides. You probably got a small say in the venue. Guests were invited by the parents and were often mostly their friends. It's so different now. My own children completely organised their weddings although were happy to have a monetary contribution! We are the generation who have never had a say in weddings . Those saying that she's had her own wedding speak the truth but I don't expect she organised it.
I think eloping would hurt family but only you can decide if its worth it.

Sorry but the fact that someone didn’t have freedom doesn’t mean they should want to deny their children that freedom. I would think the opposite is true. We should want our children to have better lives than we did.
I’ll never understand why some people want to interfere in their children’s lives so much, especially when it’s for their own benefit rather than thinking they need to help because they know better.

”We have waited a long time for a grandchild and so I am sure that you will understand we want to take an active part in the life of our grandchild now and not wait until after the birth”.
Whooooah! Next level interference. I wonder what active part they think they can have in the life of a foetus. Well done for not giving in.
You’re going to have a struggle with DP though. If he doesn’t grow a spine he’ll be manipulated by them forever, and it will get worse as they become more obsessed with access to “their grandchild” and making you their enemy. Please listen to @billy1966 and consider very hard whether you want this to be your future. I’m afraid he’s his mum’s son more than he’s your partner and the father of a child.

totally unhinged.

I think I would be having second thoughts about marrying this man if he can't manage to keep this batshittery away from you.

I would suggest your DP has counselling to untangle his thoughts and see his parents for what they are. He should not be begging them to not cut him off, that is playing into their hands.

Tell him you will marry him after he has counselling. And not with the local priest.

Just elope with your family & friends and hopefully that will ensure they 'disown' you for a while and give you some peace.

I’m really proud of you, your boundaries are super healthy & you’ve kept yourself mentally safe by setting these throughout. I know boundaries can be hard but Jesus, imagine you didn’t have any where you’d be.

you’re also an amazing role model for your baby.

Id go no contact before baby, you deserve a happy healthy baby bubble without these batshit folk ruining it!

Eloping is NOT disrespectful. What IS disrespectful is trying to force your way into events, trying to control a wedding that isnt yours, trying to control a proposal, and using you childs love for you as a weapon to get your way. This woman has no respect for you, her son, or your baby. If shes willing to throw away her relationship with her son, you and her GRANDCHILD because you want your wedding your way, fine. You dont want someone that controlling, toxic, and manipulative around your child anyways. Tell your fiance that his priority should be the health of his future wife and child, not making mommy happy. Stress can cause serious medical issues, especially with pregnancy. Is he willing to let his child be harmed by his mothers actions? If so, rethink the wedding. Do you want to live the rest of your life with you and your children being put second to his mom? He needs to make a choice, and maybe you do as well.