Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

[Autumnflakes]

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

Do what feels right for you.

We were lucky for both sets of parents to help pay for our wedding (which was done ridiculously cheap, talking 1500 for everything Inc dress, venue, food etc)

However we felt obliged to invite DH's dad's side of the family, besides his actual dad, the rest had nothing to do with dH for most of his life.

My mum then said we needed to invite XYZ who again were family I'd not seen for years, but since they were helping pay, we couldn't really refuse.

I just had my baby a few weeks prior to the wedding so didn't drink, and didn't really enjoy the day like you should, so I'd either say elope now, or wait and do it properly after baby is a bit older

You both need to tell her to back right off. I can understand her upset if she wasn’t invited to the wedding dress shopping, it is customary to invite mother of groom too. Well many do I guess. The rest of it, you need to push right back and tell her it’s your wedding and if she doesn’t back off you will elope

We eloped. Was fine and I'm very glad we did it.
MIL decided it was only right to then put up huge pictures of BIL wedding all over her house and a tiny one we sent her of ours 😂

DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

he values how his parents feel more than how you feel. It doesn't bode well.

His parents will get over it. Mainly because they will want to beat you with a stick over it for years, because that's what it's really about. Controlling you and your partner. Which is precisely why you should elope in the first place in order to show you don't do their bidding.

Have you asked him why he thinks that?

You are grown-ups. How come his mother has such a hold over him?

I do think you need to have serious conversation with your fiancé about how he is going to react to his mother when the baby comes, because in all honesty that is more pressing than the wedding. Possibly your own family are saying to delay the wedding in part to see how things pan out with him after baby is born - maybe they are worried that while he's lovely, he isn't able to tell her to butt out!
You have to be very clear with him what you want in terms of input from her and he has to support you in delivering that. Don't be manipulated into thinking you have to give her equal access as you give your own mum (this is a flashpoint issue in lots of these situations) - the relationship you have with your own family is completely different and it's okay to treat them according to their own behaviour and not lump people together just because they are both grandparents.
That's what you would be doing to your own family if you eloped because of mil.

OP,

I would be devastated if you were my daughter marrying into a family like that.

If you don't cut this woman off completely you are set for a life of angst and stress.

Your poor child will be used by her and she will relentlessly bully you all.

You tell your partner his mother is not welcome in your home and you will not be in contact.

The baby will have NOTHING to do with his mother.

Look at moving away a bit.

I think your parents are suggesting you postpone things to protect you.

If your partner is not fully on board with not allowing his mother to control your lives, don't marry him.

He has given her too much power and this is the result.

You need to protect yourself and your baby.

This is an awful family and he sounds terrified of them.

Give the baby YOUR surname.

Thank you all again.

The wedding has been postponed/cancelled.

PIL want me to apologise/reach out as I’m being disrespectful for leaving them out of wedding planning. I honestly have nothing to apologise for ( DP also has told them that he doesn’t want me to apologise either) but even just reaching out to clear the animosity when MIL is too narcissistic to ever be able to put someone else’s feelings above her own.

A lot of PP have also hit the nail on the head that my mum is petrified of me marrying into this family as she reckons MIL will be in control until her last breath (and post death!).

DP doesn’t want to elope but he understands why I’m postponing the wedding due to MIL essentially ruining every moment and I now cannot stand her.

It’s a horrible mess. I just want to marry my soul partner without it being his Mother’s Day/life.

God knows what’s going to happen when the baby arrives. DP will have to facilitate contact.

Thank god you have the parents you do OP.

They are old like me and can see down the line.

If you engage with this batshit nasty woman or allow her near your life, you will have nothing but stress and misery.

Your parents know it.
I know it.
Lots and lots of posters know it.

This awful woman does have the power to ruin your life if you are anything other than ruthless.

I mean this very kindly but when you have your baby it will really change you.

This soul mate partner will become secondary to the love you will feel for this precious child.

If he is a weak scared man, who allows his mother to harrass and upset you, spoiling the first year of your babys life, your view of him won't long be changing.

Love is not that strong.
It can disappear very quickly when you see that he is prepared to put his mother ahead of you and your child.

That he is prepared to be bullied by her into giving her what she wants, your child.

Love will float out that window.
I know this.
I have seen it happen.

There is nothing less attractive than a weak man who is scared of his parents.

You will never feel as if you really are a team and a family, because he will sacrifice you to keep his family quiet.

Your mother knows this and she is terrified for you, HER child.

She doesn't want that for HER precious child.

Listen to your parents, protect yourself.
Keep your friends and family close.

With a weak man who is afraid of his family, you will really need them to support you.

If you want to elope then do it. Your mother-in-law is being very controlling, and you'll have a better day without her.
It's not disrespectful, just practical.

I don't think it's disrespectful and to be honest I think I would in that scenario because who wants their special day being overshadowed by someone like that. Would your family be supportive?

That being said if I couldn't go see my son get married when the time comes I think I'd be a bit devastated because you naturally want to see your children thriving and bring happy and share in those big moments in life. But I'd accept it's ultimately their choice. And if he's worried about her reaction then he needs to also recognise that her behaviour is what's led you to consider eloping. It sounds like your fiance needs to sit down with his parents and be really straight about the impact her actions are having on you BOTH and that you've discussed eloping as a result of her behaviour. He then needs to suggest she changes her ways.

My in laws were the same, even down to threatening not to ever speak to us again if we denied his MIL her only son's wedding (he has two DSis.) With hindsight I wish I'd put my foot down then but I was young and naive. It took me years to stand up to her and I'm so resentful of what she put me through during the years.

Her demands for the wedding grew more outrageous but I didn't care by that point because it felt like her wedding. She didn't pay towards it either. She did buy two bridesmaid dresses for DH's nieces. I didn't know so that caused upset in my family as I had three nieces of a similar age.

I'd be here all day if I told you a tenth of the awful things she's done over the years, including wanting our eldest DC and threatening if we didn't leave him with her when we moved when he was a few months old, she'd call SS because the house wasn't finished, as in decoration wise.

Get yourself a copy of 'Toxic In-laws' it was a revelation. I wish I'd read it thirty years ago. We're still happily married but even now she's still as bad. MIL made a scene at my mum's funeral because she felt ignored and she told me last year about my surprise party for a milestone Birthday the day before. She turned up half an hour late announcing she hadn't got me a card or gift. I'm LC with her now but I'm the organiser in our family so she misses out on many occasions and cries to DH over this, attempting to emotionally blackmail him on a regular basis. Her current stick to beat him with is her imminent death. She's healthier than me.

Do what you want as a couple.

Good post.

That could well be the OP's future unless she is very careful.

Get that book "Toxic inlaws".

You are so young OP and when you come from a "normal" family, you are simply not equipped to deal with it.

Reading that book will help.

I was very clued in 30 years ago but honestly I would have been blindsided by people like your MIL too.

I cannot stress enough that you need to protect yourself and your baby from the grief these people will bring, just as @ArmchairAnarchist2 has written.

No one ever regrets going LC/NC with people like this.

Usually they regret they didn't do it years, decades earlier.

Probably best to postpone it. It might be a good idea to do further planning with a couple of friends so it's only you, DP, best man and maid of honour who make the decisions for example. She'll still complain and have a fit of the vapours.

Oh and couples therapy would be great if you could organise it, again so that you are clear on what your boundaries are re his family.

Glad you've postponed, this is too much stress. I'm sorry but your DP needs to take some blame here. He needs to be stronger when it comes to his mum. He should have issued the ultimatum of shut up or you aren't coming (either eloping or just having your wedding without them) ages ago, before it caused you this much stress.

You also need to toughen up, why on earth are you talking about facilitating contact with your baby after this behaviour? You need to make it ABUNDANTLY clear your DP will not be taking your newborn away from you to meet his parents. Look at how they have behaved towards the pair of you. He can't stand up to them, he won't protect the baby. He needs to tell them they aren't meeting baby until they have grovelled for your forgiveness. If he isn't willing I'd really consider whether to stay in this relationship, it isn't going to get any better and you and baby deserve better. She will control and question every decision. Childcare, feeding, weaning, schooling. The stress she has caused you over this wedding will only be the beginning.

His family would disown him if he eloped?! Wow
All the more reason to do it if that's what you both want
But if its really your own wedding, planned the way you want it, choose that even if his parents boycott it.

You don't need to elope. Just gradually limit what you tell her. Issue the invitation but if she and FiL don't attend then that is their issue not yours.
The only fly in the ointment is the seating plan if you are having a sit down meal: avoid top table tantrums by not having a top table but a sweetheart table for the two of you, and everyone else in groups of friends or family. Then you two have a quick wander around the tables saying hello to everyone after you are announced but before you sit down.
It would be a shame to waste all your planning: if she's going to be difficult whether you have the wedding you wanted or an elopement, you may as well have the wedding you wanted!

Lol, we had the same when me and the ex husband married.
Our small affair turned into a circus, the uninvited cousins, Aunties and Uncles were stood outside the church when I arrived.
The guests we hadn’t wanted there caused trouble and I hated the entire day.
The second time I got married we told no one until the day, it was wonderful and we had the best time.
Elope and I promise you won’t regret it.
And your Husband to be needs to be putting you and the baby first xx

If she's like this about your wedding, what will she be like with the baby. Elope now, set the boundaries. MIL might be upset and disown him, no-one wants that, but no boundaries will be harder to manage with a baby.

Unless you can sit down with her and tell her "we're doing this, back off". Not many can. Or arrange a small wedding how you want "in secret" then give her a week's notice to attend. She has a choice then and you get your wedding your way. Good luck!

Just read that your postponed. So sorry to read that but good for you for reaching your own decision. I do wonder if you could do a BFFs only legal ceremony before baby is born (if that's important to you) and then a full blown wedding when you're feeling up to it. Just an idea x

Eloping is now the best plan. arrange a big party/wedding celebration for around the time of your baby's first birthday, and let it be at a hotel so that there's accommodation, but it doesn't have to be your wedding - that can and should be small, private, and take place before your baby arrives. your big party can include a ceremony that doesn't have or need any legal standing but can be a public declaration exchanging what your relationship means to you. you don't have to invite mil if she is still being aresey.

Good on your for calling a stop to this as it was. You need to put your foot down hard with this one. Yes there will be fallout, there is no way of navigating a relationship with your DP without some drama from his mother, but you can minimise it as much as possible, but being clear and firm with many boundaries.

When you're ready to start planning the wedding again, when your DP is fully on board with the fact that his mother is batshit and you're not going to put up with it, MIL gets an invite, and nothing more. If she still can't behave herself, let her flounce and say she's not coming, accept that with a shrug.

my mum is petrified of me marrying into this family

She's a wise old bird that's why. It's very tricky territory, take her advice.

Sounds like eloping would not just solve the wedding problem, but would also solve the imminent baby problems and subsequent child problems (ie, it's your wedding and not hers, it's your baby and not hers and it will be your child, not hers).

It’s certainly not disrespectful, although I must admit I don’t understand it when couples do this when they get along brilliantly with their families. However, in your case, I’d say elope! So long as you’re sure you want to marry this man, knowing MIL will be in your life forever..?