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Original poster

Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

220 replies

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 12:19

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 12/02/2023 12:35

I think that it might be unfair on your own parents if the only reason you are eloping is because mil is being a pita! They are being deprived of seeing their daughter married because of someone else's behaviour.

If this was me, I would still have my summer wedding, still plan and pay for everything as I wanted and say to mil that if she chooses not to come, that's her prerogative. No argument or stress about it, just a clear laying out that you will plan what you want for your wedding and she can take it or leave it.

Your fiancé feels eloping is not a good idea and you need to be a solid team and in agreement, especially as you are expecting and mil will be a complete nightmare if there's any division between you and him.

Important to set down boundaries now before the baby comes because if she's this bad over a wedding, she will be fully in control mode after the baby is born. You and your fiancé need to be clearly aligned and you must be sure he will support you in the face of her ratcheting up the tension

Blingstar · 12/02/2023 12:35

Why don't you quietly arrange a registry office wedding. But invite them along, pretend it's a family lunch. Spring it on all of them? That way she can't complain about not being invited. Have a party later on with lots of people. Prepare yourself for complete interference when the baby is born. Good luck.

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 12:36

Sorry if I missed this…..did you invite your own mum on your hen do….but not DP Mum? …..or didn’t invite both of them?

FrenchBoule · 12/02/2023 12:37

ImAvingOops · 12/02/2023 12:35

I think that it might be unfair on your own parents if the only reason you are eloping is because mil is being a pita! They are being deprived of seeing their daughter married because of someone else's behaviour.

If this was me, I would still have my summer wedding, still plan and pay for everything as I wanted and say to mil that if she chooses not to come, that's her prerogative. No argument or stress about it, just a clear laying out that you will plan what you want for your wedding and she can take it or leave it.

Your fiancé feels eloping is not a good idea and you need to be a solid team and in agreement, especially as you are expecting and mil will be a complete nightmare if there's any division between you and him.

Important to set down boundaries now before the baby comes because if she's this bad over a wedding, she will be fully in control mode after the baby is born. You and your fiancé need to be clearly aligned and you must be sure he will support you in the face of her ratcheting up the tension

This with bells on.

Don’t let anybody dictate your life.

Onnabugeisha · 12/02/2023 12:37

I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned. Is it disrespectful to elope?

In his family it blatantly would be received as disrespectful. For the record, I don’t think it is normally. But your future MIL is about as controlling as they come. I would fully believe your DP that he’d be disowned.

You can secretly elope and then do a (second) wedding for MIL. I’d be having her pay towards it though. Sort of did this with my DH but for different reasons. We eloped and married in secret at civil registry. Our families thought we were merely engaged. Then 28months later we had the religious wedding the way my mum wanted it 🙄. So we had two anniversaries…my parents are gone now so managed to keep that secret going the rest of their lives.

yousexybugger · 12/02/2023 12:38

I don't think eloping is a problem in principle, it's your wedding.

However, in your case I don't think it's that you want to elope particularly, or that you would massively benefit from doing so.

I think the problem is that you (both, mainly your husband to be) haven't managed the problematic situation at hand well. That is to say your PIL.

I think that you would get a great deal more out of gripping this situation, and finding a way of telling your MIL that the wedding will be your way (both of you) and if she doesn't want to come, that's fine. She is welcome to decide that and not come, but all of her behaviour is dragging you down.

She's had her wedding, presumably to her tastes and now it's your turn. This crap will only escalate when you have the baby, later on if her health deteriorates and you have some role in arranging her care etc etc.

Rather than run away and miss out on having all the people you do want present, practice taking a firm stance. Your husband is key here. It will stand you both in good stead.

bettycat81 · 12/02/2023 12:38

Why not book a registry office wedding ASAP, invite imediate family and a couple close friends for a meal/bbq to "wedding plan" then when they're all there tell them to grab their coats and go to get married....

That would be my dream if I were to get married again.

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 12:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Aria2015 · 12/02/2023 12:40

We eloped. My biggest regret is that I we didn't push to please ourselves sooner. I look back now and it just seems bonkers that other people thought it was ok to try and dictate a day that really was only about the two people getting married. The threats of being disowned are likely just threats. In our case, everyone got over it (once they came to their senses and saw that breaking up family relations over a single event was ridiculous!). I am glad we did our own thing and even more glad we didn't spend a fortune on a wedding we didn't even want!

Tinkerbyebye · 12/02/2023 12:40

I would either elope, and tell mil exactly why, ie her and her behaviour
or carry in with your plans, when mil kicks off shut the conversation down each time by saying our wedding, our way and walk off, and if she doesn’t come, bonus and you can explain to everyone at the wedding why she is not there and she will look incredibly stupid

ask her how much her in laws where involved in her wedding

Yesthatismychildsigh · 12/02/2023 12:41

No don’t elope. It’s not fair on your family. Really you need to nip this ridiculous behaviour in the bud, or it will only get worse. Do things your way, if they make any threats just say that it’s a shame they feel that way and sad they’ll miss the wedding. Better still, get your husband to be to do it. Repeatedly.

KangarooKenny · 12/02/2023 12:42

Go to the registry office and get it done. Then have a joint wedding/christening party.

broccolibush · 12/02/2023 12:42

We had a similar situation with my mother rather than DH’s. Turning every decision into a battle and throwing the “well I won’t come then” if I stood up to her. It was exhausting and 15 years later I can still feel the horror of the drama she caused.

I wanted to elope in the end but DH wanted to share our wedding with our family and friends so we did an in between. We invited a whole bunch of people to lunch and sprang a wedding on them. It was a bit tacky, I’ll give you, but we got married on our terms (ish) with the people we loved around us.

It was quite some time ago (over a decade) and I’m still not entirely forgiven by my mother and the people she uses to convey her distaste. Indeed I was called “hugely disrespectful to your mother” by one of her asshole relations over us cancelling the big wedding and having a smaller do that still included her. And part of me is sad that somehow, even when taking back control the day was all about her rather than about us.

Whatever you do with a meddling parent like this you’ll be in the wrong. It’s not, however, disrespectful to them to change your wedding and do it on your terms even if those terms are just the two of you.

Good luck with whatever you end up doing. And remember the marriage is the important part, the wedding not so much.

misskatamari · 12/02/2023 12:42

Honestly I would. In fact I did! Dh and I got married in vegas, just the two of us and it was amazing. Zero stress, just a lovely fun day just the two of us. We had a reception back home that was lovely, and we got to enjoy that with friends and family, but honestly if you’re getting this much grief - just do it!

Mil is being unreasonable, massively so.

broccolibush · 12/02/2023 12:43

KangarooKenny · 12/02/2023 12:42

Go to the registry office and get it done. Then have a joint wedding/christening party.

Sorry to add to this you can have a joint baptism and wedding service in the Church of England. A friend of mine did this and it seems everyone was delighted.

mrstea301 · 12/02/2023 12:46

Honestly, you need to please you and your husband to be. You will NEVER please everyone, and you will go mad trying. I had a similar ish situation with my own mum before my wedding, we ended up changing all our plans, getting married at three months notice with ten guests, (my mum wasn't a guest) and I didn't speak to my mum for almost four years following it.

It's a shame my mum wasn't at my wedding, but she just could not see past herself and accept that my DH and I were the decision makers and were going to do what we wanted.

I do think that there's a bit of a lost generation, whose own parents made all the decisions about their weddings, but they have expected to do the same for their children, and are then shocked / taken aback when their children are making all of the decision about their own wedding. I think this was the case for my mum - her parents / in-laws essentially made all the wedding decisions, and my mum could not believe that I wouldn't let her dictate the decisions for my wedding (and no, she was not making any financial contribution!)

Do what you want, the way you want it. If your MIL threatens not to attend, just say "well that's a shame, but that's your decision." She wants a big drama and for you to beg her to attend. Just take her at her word.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 12/02/2023 12:46

KangarooKenny · 12/02/2023 12:42

Go to the registry office and get it done. Then have a joint wedding/christening party.

But that isn’t what OP actually wants. Why should she give up her chosen wedding because of some spoiled, entitled woman.

LakeTiticaca · 12/02/2023 12:49

I would highly recommend doing this, as I have recommended others who have turned themselves inside out trying please everyone. Its YOUR day, slip away, tie the knot, then throw a party for friends and family at a time that suits.

ThreeLittleDots · 12/02/2023 12:49

Don't be pushed into elopement if that's not your first choice.

DP needs to tell MIL to fuck off. Nip this in the bud otherwise she'll make your parenting life hell too. You don't owe her ANYTHING.

Pemba · 12/02/2023 12:55

Your DP thinks it would be disrespectful to his family and 'quite rightly he'd be disowned'. Quite rightly?? So you go along with that? I find that a bit odd TBH. What cultural backgrounds do you each come from.?

Surely the wedding is primarily about the couple to be married? And if they have the inclination /money/ time and get on well with their family and friends then they will probably get an invite. However it is certainly not up to family members to dictate things like venue, guest list, menu etc. Their role is to be supportive. I wouldn't dream of doing this with DD, it would be her choices all the way.

Ragwort · 12/02/2023 12:56

I think the real issue is that your DP isn't standing up to his DM, why can't he take her out to lunch, just the two of them, and have a calm, respectful discussion about the wedding. If he can't/won't do that ... or she really won't listen then you've got a lifetime of problems ahead.
We had a very quiet wedding, just five guests (DPs were included), lunch afterwards ... off on our honeymoon by 3pm. Perfect.

ButItHasCheese · 12/02/2023 12:57

I eloped. Was amazing. To be honest I sort of pity people who get caught up in stressful wedding planning now - because it should be fun, not stressful.

I'd elope and blame it on keeping stress at bay (and therefore protecting your baby). Nobody can argue with that (it's a legitimate excuse) - and you can save all that cash for when baby arrrives

Charlize43 · 12/02/2023 13:01

Marriage is about you and your chosen partner, so no it is not disrespectful to elope. Your MIL sounds like she deserves it!

Original poster
Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 13:01

Thanks all,

It’s such a mess. DP was trying his hardest to keep MIL in check. He thought he was doing the right thing to keep her in the loop about everything (FaceTiming the venue that we liked to get ‘I think you should get married in a hotel’, ‘it would be easier for us if you got married in a hotel’, ‘we’ll pay for you to get married in a hotel’, ‘Oh is there no rooms on the site, hmmm, that’s going to put people off’, ‘is it because hotels are expensive as we’ll help’, then 100 complaints about our perfectly nice wedding venue then it turned into her wailing that’s unfair that she wasn’t involved in choosing our reception venue. Every other week there’s something she’s wailed about/ruined our day with her demanding phone calls to call DP every name under the sun for not involving her.

DP has stood up to her, but in turn I’ve lost count how many times I’ve had to hold him as she’s being vile. She’s a text book narcissist/manipulator/control freak that DP is fully aware of but loves her unconditionally.

The major problem now is that me and MIL are no longer on talking terms and I’m going to go NC a with her. It’s going to take time before I’m able to even look at her again.

OP posts:
Hydie · 12/02/2023 13:03

You need to get married how YOU want to get married. Don't elope because of her, unless eloping is what you want. We went to Gretna Green and had a no fuss wedding it was perfect. That's what we wanted at the time. If I was doing it now I'd probably do the bigger wedding with family, but it would be what we want not others. Leave her out of the wedding if she doesn't want to come.

Did you invite your Mum on your hen?