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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

220 replies

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 12:19

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 12/02/2023 14:02

It is not disrespectful to elope, you're getting married to each other, not your parents.

I'd elope and get married without telling a soul; have a wonderful time.

THEN when you get back home, announce to everyone you have cancelled the wedding plans because the whole thing was getting out of hand and far too stressful when you are pregnant.

THEN, a week or two later when everyone has got used to that and calmed down a bit; you announce you eloped and are married.

Trust me, a MIL so deeply involved in her sons and fiancees life is NOT going to disown them just as they are about to give birth to Her Holy Grandchild.

Flossiemoss · 12/02/2023 14:02

please do not postpone your wedding because of one persons selfish demands and need for drama.

Wedding are expensive and I can always think of better things to spend money on so I wouldn’t think you unreasonable to elope. The issue is diplomacy and whether you are going to upset your family because of dh batshit dm. If that’s likely then I would book a registry office for next available slot and either a restaurant or buffet after. Either people will be able to go or they won’t. What you won’t have done is spend loads and be miserable and stressed, and you will have cut down the amount of time other people have to create drama. Good luck.

afinishedkiss · 12/02/2023 14:05

Do it!!!

Confusion101 · 12/02/2023 14:09

Definitely elope!
She isn't going to be happy with the wedding regardless of what ye do and will ruin your day!

justadress · 12/02/2023 14:14

It's your wedding and should be everything you and your fiancé want. It's very unfair of MIL to put all this pressure on you. If you want to elope you should, but if you want your families and friends there you shouldn't let MIL spoil that for you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/02/2023 14:14

No of course it is t. We did everything for our eldest’ seeding, in conjunction with her in-laws to be, because that’s what they were happy with.

we’d have been equally delighted if they had eloped. They’re actual marriage and what they wanted were what mattered.

Whydoitry · 12/02/2023 14:16

I would have eloped but it doesn't sound like your fi wants to. I think my Mum would have been gutted. And even more so if I'd only done it because of MIL!

I think there must be other ways to minimise the stress. If you elope, FiL and MIL won't be there anyway so I'd call their bluff, and proceed with the wedding on the assumption they won't be coming.

Does your fi struggle with boundaries with his parents?

Beelezebub · 12/02/2023 14:21

Take her up on her offer not to come, have the day you want with the people you want, and if she disowns your fiancé it seems like she’ll have done you both a favour. No one has a right to be at a wedding.

Threeboysandadog · 12/02/2023 14:24

My mother would have been delighted if we had eloped. We had a registry wedding with our two eldest as witnesses and the younger one as a ring bearer, then went home for a take away. I have 3 boys. 2 adults and a teen. I’d pay them to elope.

You do you.

2chocolateoranges · 12/02/2023 14:29

Definitely elope, she doesn’t show you respect and therefore has left you no option but eloping and having a stressfree wedding. By the sound of it her disowning her son for having that kind of wedding would be a bonus all round as it means she can’t interfere in your life.

she only has herself to blame, you need to do what is right for your own wee family now. X

thetwotattoos · 12/02/2023 14:42

Eloping could be romantic and stress free. Do you mean Gretna Green or abroad or what? Big party when the time is right later.
Equally, if you really want a big do with family and friends then do it on your terms and if MIL doesn't come all the better.
The trouble with either of these ideas is your fiance's feelings. What's the FIL like? Is there anyone who can reason with MIL?

Timeturnerplease · 12/02/2023 14:55

We eloped to Gretna. Bloody brilliant. I was worried that my dad would be cross but he was fine after all.

Honestly, it sounds like your fiancé’s mother is far too invested in his life to even think of disowning him. If you can get him on board, that is….

DillDanding · 12/02/2023 15:03

We didn’t ‘elope’ as our families knew, but we went abroad to get married. Just the 2 of us.

At the time, all our friends were getting married and we were constantly at bloody weddings. It was like Groundhog Day.

Never regretted our decision for a moment. We still find weddings a massive bore.

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 15:13

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 12/02/2023 15:27

Whatever you do, she is going to try her best to ruin it. If you invite her to a wedding she will kick up some sort of stink, drama, make it all about her, and then use it as a stick to beat you with for the rest of her life. At least if you elope the actual wedding wont be tainted.

SmudgeButt · 12/02/2023 15:31

Elope!!! Have a party after the baby is born.

If MiL complains you can state "but you said you weren't going to come to the wedding so what's the problem?"

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2023 16:08

Your Dh is not doing enough to protect you from her shit. Tell him to step up and properly tell her. Can you imagine in a few months, there are going to be ‘mil is demanding my new born overnight’ etc threads.

Pemba · 12/02/2023 16:17

She does sound the type to want to be in control of her grand child, she'll probably have opinions on the name, breast feeding or not, etc. Be careful OP!

The weirdest thing to me is she thought she would be involved in the proposal. Surely if you agree between you to marry that's it, you're engaged.

GloomyDarkness · 12/02/2023 16:29

Is she trying to actually stop you marrying - or just trying to control it all.

If she seeking control perhaps involving her less - firmer boundaries - this is what is happened and booked here is date and time - turn up or don't.

However if the marriage is the issue is not likely to get better - marriage being legal contract with legal implications. If the marriage is more important than actual wedding - you can do registry office or more elaborate elope then do some sort of family blessing celebration later.

Either way you and your DP need to get on the same page about the way forward.

Imogensmumma · 12/02/2023 17:03

I say keep going with your wedding plans but stop telling her things and if she threatens not to come “sorry to hear that we will send pictures “ don’t buy into the threat.

You need to have a chat to your DP about his boundaries or you are in for hell especially when baby comes

palelavender · 12/02/2023 17:29

Well, my parents ran off to New Zealand and got married. That probably was a little excessive though especially since my mother never told her family where she was going and it was 12 years before they got back in touch. She outraged them even more by converting to my father's faith.

Sapphire387 · 12/02/2023 17:53

There's nothing wrong with eloping- I'd just be worried that you're going to miss out on the wedding you wanted with your family, and your family will miss out too. All because of this crazy woman.

If you can bear to do it - step back, disengage. Continue with your wedding planning. Your fiancé needs to deal with his own mother.

IWonderWhyIBother · 12/02/2023 18:16

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 13:28

OP you are still not saying if you invited your own Mum on your Hen do….if you did and then didn’t invite your future MIL then that was mean

I have to disagree with this, your MIL shouldn’t be on your hen night. She’s not your friend you’re just marrying her son. I couldn’t have relaxed if my MIL had been on my hen night. Plus she was 64, at 25 I didn’t want a pensioner out with me and my friends.

Muminthebluecoat · 12/02/2023 19:10

Eloping is definitely not disrespectful! Go for it!

We didn't elope but did get married in Vegas with just two of friends there. Best decision ever. No stress so much fun!

Family were fine but they did no well in advance. We just threw a massive party when we got back

TheCatterall · 12/02/2023 19:57

Oh @Autumnflakes she sounds like a nightmare. Massive squishes!

I think DP needs to learn to stand up to her more and maybe get some therapy on acknowledging and dealing with his emotions around her otherwise she’s going to be a PITA for the rest of your life together.

the wedding is just the start… once baby comes along it will be the next thing. And if your no contact she’ll expect DP to visit I’m guessing with your child?

I’d help DP with some phrases he can recite to her and ensure he knows to share nothing. Honestly do you even want her at the wedding at this point?

is a calm life for DP not worth being cut off from her? Good luck.