Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

[Autumnflakes]

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

It's your wedding and your choice. You have whatever sort of wedding you want.

I can't get my head round the way some people think they have a right to be consulted about someone else's wedding, tbh. It's your day, you choose, and anyone else can keep their opinions to themselves.

My ex and I "eloped". My MIL was very religious, and couldn't understand why we didn't want a church wedding. She even offered to arrange to get me confirmed or something, to enable this, and was shocked when I declined and explained that I was an atheist.

We got married in perfectly pleasant ceremony in a register office with just 2 guests as witnesses. MIL was livid, my DPs were relieved that they didn't have to buy something to attend a wedding and go through the hassle of getting themselves there.

We did, sort of. We told everyone we were doing it so it wasn't as though we ran off in the middle of the night. We had two strangers for witnesses too so there was no chance of any fall out of picking anyone to be involved. It was honestly the best decision!
We had a party when we got back, and I mean a pub disco, so no wedding type expectations like speeches or table favours etc, which everyone really enjoyed.

Your mum is right. If you marry into this family, this kind of shit will be your life forever. It’ll actually get worse once you marry as they’ll think they own you. Have the baby, don’t marry, be savvy about your finances for a few years and see how it goes. Your DP’s reluctance to disengage with them is very worrying. Why is he begging them not to be disowned?

Her language is all about her and what she wants.

Marrying into that awful family will only increase her entitlement.

Don't marry him.

And dont give that baby his surname.

Give it yours.

Firm boundaries are your friend here.

Keeping your finances, family, and friends close to you.

You will be so grateful that you have avoided drama.

The amount of stories on MN where men put their mothers ahead of the woman who has just had their child is awful.

Asking them to suck up awful behaviour because it is THEIR mother.

Keeping a firm distance will protect you from so much drama.

With woman like his mother their will always be upset.

@Autumnflakes

My DS1 and DiL eloped and told no one. Was it 'disrespectful'? Certainly not. Were we 'disappointed' not to have seen them get married? Sure, but we've kept our mouths shut and will continue to do so.

We don't know for sure why they decided to elope and we'll never ask, but we have our 'suspicions'. DiL's mum sounds a lot like your MiL and I'm pretty sure she'd have wanted to 'direct' any wedding they might have had into a huge, princessy, 'sheeshee sheeshe foo foo' affair. And DS1 and DiL are more the 'let's rock out' minidress and blue jeans type and would have hated that. In the end their eloping has probably saved us (and them) a tonne of money lol, because her 'directing' doesn't usually include her paying!

DS1 and DiL have taken a strong stance with her mum and she's learnt over the last few years that they will take absolutely none of her shit. She's smart enough to realize it and has backed off 90% on her 'suggestions'. But I would, if I were you, consider that in marrying your fiancé, who may be a lovely man, that you are possibly signing up for a lifetime of your MiL's shit and manipulation. Unless your fiancé decides to go NC, even if YOU do you'll still have to deal with his emotional fall out. Are you ready for that?

Stick to your guns, she won't be around for ever and you seem to have a strong group of support that isn't overbearing.

We started planning a wedding, then found out we were expecting and eloped instead. We had a night party type reception a little bit after the elopement, with finger food, but no real meal, which was very low key, and paid for fully ourselves so no family had "control" over it. We also did a lunch that day for our direct family (parents, and siblings/other halves). We didn't post any social media pics of our "real day" as my sister in law was getting married first with a big wedding, and we didn't want to steal her thunder. Yes, our family would have liked to have seen us get married, and my parents commented after that they would have been miffed if we had let my brother in law come as the witness etc, which fortunately we didn't do, and just did the whole thing alone. We hired a photographer and got lovely photos which we shared. A great little old man the photographer brought along was our witness. I truly had the most wonderful, relaxing day, despite being 4-5 months pregnant. We wrote our own vows, it felt very personal, just for us, and was a truly lovely and completely stress free experience. I cannot recommend it enough. The reception was nice, and relaxed, and was a good catch up for family/friends, but was informal enough that it didn't matter what we wore, what the music was, and people could come and go as they pleased, it worked out as the best of both worlds honestly. If you think your husband would go for it, I would absolutely do it x

Sorry OP just read your update from the last page. You need to be very clear with your husband to be, that you are marrying HIM. This big day is about you and him, not the family that you are marrying into. They are trying to emotionally twist this into a family event, and seem to be clutching at whatever they can to get what they want. Your MIL is a mum, and it is horrible when they start thinking of themselves, not the grandchild and the stress they are adding to you when pregnant. Ultimately, I married my husband quickly while pregnant, as I was pregnant, and if there had been any issues/complications, I wanted my husband to legally be my husband and next of kin/could make decisions if I wasn't able to, without figuring out paperwork etc if we weren't married and something went wrong. I don't regret this for a second, and it made sense to elope for us given this. I have a rather controlling mother rather than MIL and it took so much stress off the table by not allowing them to plan the event/be involved like that, no matter how well intentioned it would have been. Stand your ground, don't do a big day that you do not want, unless you do want a big day, in which case just do it and if the MIL tries to overstep, give her one warning then NC. If her grandchild matters so much, she will listen if she is smart...

And getting disowned next best decision ever made. Win, win.

I kinda got into the same situation, but with my own mother. The answer was to put my foot down, tell her I was having a VERY small, private wedding. Both sets of parents only as guests. Stuck to my guns, but also gave her free rein to plan (AND FINANCE) a big reception party the next evening. It more or less worked, and I didn't have to have 15 (yes, 15 by count) bridesmaids to avoid "hurting anyone's feelings."

I am not personally of the view that marriage is just about the couple and nobody else; because I am a practicing Catholic I believe marriage is a Sacrament that should be in a church and be a public event for both families and friends to witness and celebrate. However, I also appreciate you are pregnant and getting unhappier by the day because of the great deal of stress it’s causing with your MILs involvement. For religious couples there is always an option of celebrating a quiet wedding with a few witnesses in church just the marriage ritual and no Mass or large crowd.

If you aren’t religious and just want to be married for legal and sentimental reasons you could have an elopement, but in the future will you still be glad that none of your family and friends were there and there was no big, joyful celebration?

It really depends on how you and your fiancé see marriage and what it means to you.

@Autumnflakes

My parents eloped. They were married for 67 years. Nobody had a heart attack and nobody was offended. It was a bit of a shock, but everyone who mattered was very happy for them.

If someone gets offended, they’re looking to be offended.

There are only three people who matter here and your future MiL is not one of them. Tell your fiancé his mother needs to climb out of his head.

Congratulations on your baby and your marriage - so much to celebrate. ❤️

Don't elope but scale down your plans.
Your family will love to share the special day.
Due to the stress factor just invite immediate family, two best friends each and the Vicar and partner.
Plan for exactly what you want then delegate and be very thankful with what your family/friends organise.
If your outfit, your flowers, the Vicar, the music and venue are what you want then you'll be happy. No one remembers the food, decor, weather unless they went hungry or rain drenched.
You'll have lovely photos and a happy day.

Organise a fun filled Christening party later on.

We didn’t do it in secret but this is exactly what we did. Registry Office with 2 guests, a glass of champagne with them afterwards, then dinner just the two of us. It was perfect.

We are very close to our parents. They all thought it was a good idea!

You and your OH sound lovely but this MIL has real potential to get in the middle of you both! I agree with waiting to marry and give the baby your surname.

When you get married in the future it's super easy to reregister if you wanted to swap the babies name to his.

I would plan a very very small wedding pass on the details to parents and siblings/very close friends

Say these are the details show up or not but it is what it is

Not in those words

I personally could not get married without at least my parents/IL there

The in laws are the issue.... If MIL is going to be at the tiny wedding then they might aswell go ahead with the original plans

@Autumnflakes I am sorry you are having to contend with this.

As you have postponed the wedding and are expecting you have got the upper hand. You chose to postpone sending a clear message to future MIL that she has overstepped and you won’t stand for it. You now have a choice of what wedding you want including eloping. You have also gone nc and so future PIL know if they want a relationship with their GC they have to keep a relationship with you and DP.

This is a good time to draw boundaries and reset the relationships. I agree with a lot @billy1966 says. The key to this is your DP, yes he loves his parents, but until he stands up to them and accepts being disowned they will return to their previous behaviours. I know he must be devastated by his DP going nc, particularly as I expect he has always been the golden child/blue eyed boy etc. so the change is magnified.

WRT their requests:

• They love him and want harmony

So do you, but things cannot go back to the way they were as it was not harmonious. They need to accept and respect the fact you and your DP are adults and will decide how you want to live your lives e.g. you decide re: wedding, baby etc.

• theyve asked him to promise that we won’t elope as they want to be at the wedding to share our happiness.

You and DP will make no such promise, it is your wedding and you will have the wedding you choose. They need to reflect on their behaviours and to accept and respect that you and DP are adults, something they have failed to do so far.

- MIL is very hurt that she’s been blamed for us cancelling the wedding when it’s obviously due to us not planning it in time - we need to take back the blame.
If future MIL can’t take responsibility for her behaviour then the relationship is broken and can’t be rebuilt. This may need mediation and is the crux of the issue and the key for the relationship going forward.

• They think that all of us should go to our priest for mediation.

Mediation with a trained mediator (just Google) rather than a priest may be an option but DP needs to understand that a) he has to back you or risk losing you and b) you must both be clear on the boundaries you want to enforce.

Future PIL may benefit from counselling, and also your DP, to understand what normal adult relationships look like so 5hey can reset and move forward.

• ”We have waited a long time for a grandchild and so I am sure that you will understand we want to take an active part in the life of our grandchild now and not wait until after the birth”.*

Taking an active part in GC life now (WTF) but actually what they can do is accept they need to reset the relationship, owning their previous behaviour and treating you as an adult who will make the right decisions for your child now and once they are born.

Never going to happen but at least you can say you tried.

Unfortunately your partner begging them not to disown and then chasing for a reply feeds right into their narcissistic powers.

Call their bluff. It won't last anyway.

You need to keep her the hell away from your baby.

Your counsellor also needs counselling- google the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

I'd be telling them yourself that you won't have anything to do with them and if you do elope, it's because of them.

MIL will insist on being in the delivery room. Totally insane.