Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

[Autumnflakes]

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

The only reason DH and I didn’t elope was we didn’t want to offend/disrespect his children . So we had a small wedding which cost £5000..
I wish we had eloped and gone on holiday for 3 weeks 5 star !!!!!
I’m shy and found the day so stressful and I was full of anxiety. Hated it !

People saying "in your situation it's ok" (not exact wording) - to those PPs, in ANY situation it's ok.

You do not need anyone's permission to elope, you can elope if you want to, don't worry about anyone else's feelings!

You've not said what your DP has done about it. Has he spoken to her about it? Warned her what will happen? Getting stressed isn't going to achieve anything. I'd want to be seeing concrete action from him, or I'd be reconsidering the marriage. As someone else said, next she'll want to be at the north, choosing the name, telling you how to raise the child. It needs stopping, now.

She’s a text book narcissist/manipulator/control freak that DP is fully aware of but loves her unconditionally.

Your DP doesn't love her unconditionally, he's been conditioned over the course of his lifetime to pander to her performances, and his father, and likely any siblings are in on the act.

You can run away from this by eloping, no it's not disrepectful to any balanced healthy parent.

What you can't do is keep running away from her every time she crosses the line. As PP have said, the baby arriving will really kick things off and it's likely you've seen nothing yet.

Instead, your DP needs to set some strong, consistent and clear boundaries that let her know that the wedding that YOU want is going ahead, you will let her know if you neeed any assistance or advice with anything, and if she chooses not to come that is her choice, not yours.

Repeat this with the baby, this is good practice for what's to come. Yes it is hard for your DH to deal with, no, you shouldn't be having to deal with it, he needs to protect you, especially now.

Have the wedding day that you both want.
Bear in mind it is only one day and it is the marriage that really matters..
You dont need all this hassle when you are pregnant...
She is massively overstepping the boundaries.. she has had her wedding and needs to be made to step back.. or lose her son..
You need to stand firm and together or this will impact your future life together

You are quite right to give up on the current large wedding and indeed the marriage until your DP can work out his issues. It sounds like going low/non contact is a good idea. But it has to come from him. You can't drive this. You can choose not to marry into this mess. Do not have a child until you can agree on his parents having no say in their upbringing. And what contact with them will look like. Before you know it you will be excluded from family events that your dh takes the dc to without you.

I'd say his parents need a stern talking to and then elope.

I've just realised that was not a reply to your question. I don't think eloping is disrespectful but it's one of those issues that people get ridiculously emotive about. My advice would be for DH to stand his ground against her. Involving her is only going to make her behaviour worse, because it feeds her mistaken belief that she has a right to be involved in the planning. Do not negotiate with terrorists, aka do not try to appease bullies. You're not doing anything wrong; the fact that she is upset is entirely her problem.

I would get married now and then on your planned day have a party and announce to everyone that due to ongoing pressure, you actually got married on this date.
I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time.

The only person who you need to be discussing this with is your DP. He's still very entrenched and if that isn't sorted out then your marriage is going to work. He isn't going to be the husband and father he should be. He gave her, her sense of power. It's that obligation you need him to get over. What she demands isn't reasonable or normal. He needs to be able to tell her to back off and if she's upset then that's her problem. He's starting a new chapter, if she needs to be erased then so be it.

I personally wouldn't elope but would tell everyone that you are postponing then organise a small wedding in secret and tell everyone last minute where and when it is then its up to them if they want to be involved

Go to the registry office, get the legal wedding done. You could just NOT TELL ANYBODY and have a later wedding with a celebrant and avoid questions about the reg office appointment for the legal wedding:)

depends on whether your mum would be upset. My mum would have been devastated (and I couldn’t have imagined getting married without her there) but would have supported me in just us, a couple of friends and her. Just do it and sort it out later.

Yes definitely elope! Your wedding day is about you two, not making everyone else happy. Who cares what anyone thinks, they will get over it eventually.

Oh @kitcat15 you are coming across a little snipey in this thread. Are you the MIL or a supporter of hers? 🤣

I understood the OP had said she intended to go NC and I was stating that I would also do this in support of the OPs post.

Going completely NC with a MIL may be problematic if the OP intends to try to support her DF with future interactions. Maybe that's where the conflict is arising.

Should we be pedantic and say low contact rather than NC.

Either way I feel sad for the OP and her DF in this situation and fear there is worse to come from MIL if they capitulate to her now.

I missed one of your posts. I don't think you understand what NC means. Your MIL won't be at the wedding if you're NC. I feel for your DP, but it's on him to sort out. Don't tell her about any plans, that's maki g her think it's a consultation. Tell her once decisions have been made.

When I got married for the second time it was all a bit fraught and our families hadn’t met each other at this stage. We got married with just two witnesses from work and then a meal in a restaurant with 8 people. It was the right thing for us.

The hen party ended up not happening as I fell pregnant.

Originally it was going to be just me and a few of my closest friends. The plan was to go out in London, predrink at my best friend’s house, go out clubbing and catch the first train home.

It's sad that OP feels she can't share her big day with her own family because of this one person! OP clearly wants he own mum involved or she wouldn't have taken her wedding dress shopping. MIL is being ridiculous about things like the hen night and the engagement ring. I'd be inclined to tell MIL that the arrangements are all made (even if they aren't), and there's nothing more to be decided. Refuse to engage any further, including any negotiations about inviting cousins she's never met. It's an opportunity to put some firm boundaries in place before the baby arrives, and if the ILs end up not coming to the wedding, then so be it. As PP mentioned, they wouldn't be there anyway if the couple eloped, but at least this way the OP can have her own family there. Stay strong, OP!

You need to take back control of the wedding planning and leave her out completely. Either that or do a register office wedding and then a party as others have suggested. I suggest you also try to explain to your DP that NOTHING he ever does will be good enough for his Mum.

I think your fiancé needs to sit her down and tell her some home truths. Decide what you are happy for her to manage or be involved with, then say she can do that but that is the limit. Draw the line and make it very clear.
I would be desolate if my daughter decided to elope for due to her mil. Surely, to ensure future relationships, some art of compromise can be made.

Good point. If they give in to her and have the wedding in a hotel, it won’t be the right hotel. And so on forever.

’Quite rightly disowned’ sorry that’s DPs opinion that he believes by eloping that he’ll deserve to be disowned

By heck his mum's done one hell of a number on him hasn't she?

I'm with "It's your choice to make", though at the same time it would be a shame for your family and all your friends to miss out too because of the behaviour of one woman, so I wonder what the reaction would be if you got together and both told her an elopement's what'll happen if she doesn't rein it in?

Overall though I agree with PPs that you'll need to find a way of dealing with this anyway - because it won't stop at just the wedding

I would jump at her offer to not go. Take no shit and draw line in sand now, before you have children.
Have a great day without her.

I completely understand why you would. However don't let your mil ruin it for you and your family. How will your parents feel? Do you want to elope or would you like a day with family and friends ?

Essentially your mil needs to be told you don't require any help with planning.

I would definitely elope in your shoes OP.