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Original poster

Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

220 replies

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 12:19

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 12/02/2023 13:04

I think you should have the wedding you want, it’s about the couple getting married and I wouldn’t stand for your MILs behaviour.

But - if you elope will she not just carry on in a similar way when the baby is born and forever more?

Your DH needs to give her a proper sit down telling to butt the hell out, or she’ll be the one ‘disowned’ on account of her own behaviour.

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 13:04

Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 13:01

Thanks all,

It’s such a mess. DP was trying his hardest to keep MIL in check. He thought he was doing the right thing to keep her in the loop about everything (FaceTiming the venue that we liked to get ‘I think you should get married in a hotel’, ‘it would be easier for us if you got married in a hotel’, ‘we’ll pay for you to get married in a hotel’, ‘Oh is there no rooms on the site, hmmm, that’s going to put people off’, ‘is it because hotels are expensive as we’ll help’, then 100 complaints about our perfectly nice wedding venue then it turned into her wailing that’s unfair that she wasn’t involved in choosing our reception venue. Every other week there’s something she’s wailed about/ruined our day with her demanding phone calls to call DP every name under the sun for not involving her.

DP has stood up to her, but in turn I’ve lost count how many times I’ve had to hold him as she’s being vile. She’s a text book narcissist/manipulator/control freak that DP is fully aware of but loves her unconditionally.

The major problem now is that me and MIL are no longer on talking terms and I’m going to go NC a with her. It’s going to take time before I’m able to even look at her again.

Well if you’re going NC with her….you won’t need to look at her🙄
weird very weird

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 13:05

I don’t think it’s disrespectful but it depends what culture he is.

It is just as much his wedding as it is yours so you cannot elope if he doesn’t want to.
So I would meet in the middle.

Have a very small, basic wedding that doesn’t take too much planning.

I would spend the next couple of days avoiding MIL and you and DH sorting it all out - have it as basic as possible and then send the invites out.

Then tell MIL that it’s all been planned and the invites are in the post.

FictionalCharacter · 12/02/2023 13:06

There are two options. Giving in to this nasty woman isn’t an option, because she’ll carry on interfering in your lives and ordering you around. You either elope, which temporarily solves the MIL problem but isn’t what you want, or you go ahead with the wedding you want on your terms. Just carry out your plans, she can bleat as much as she wants but she can’t stop you planning your own wedding. You and DH will need to learn to ignore the bleating.
If she then sulks and doesn’t come to the wedding, result! But let everyone know that she was invited, but threw a tantrum and decided not to come. She’ll probably tell everyone that she Wasn’t Made Welcome <wipes eyes> <DailyMailSadFace> so you need to be clear that she’s lying.
Longer term, as PPs have said, DH will need to work on boundaries and not allowing her to make him feel guilty.
She’s a real piece of work. In what universe does a mother want to get involved in her son’s proposal to his girlfriend?!

Hydie · 12/02/2023 13:06

I agree with her on the hotel opinion, if people are travelling to the venue it's much easier if there's rooms on site for people to stay. But it's not her place to make her opinions heard if they weren't asked for.

SpecialK2023 · 12/02/2023 13:07

I eloped for this very reason. I’d seen my brothers wedding become a bitch fest between his MIL and my Mum, I didn’t want the drama, competition or to feel I’d planned a wedding for everyone else. So we eloped. No regrets.

Alexandernevermind · 12/02/2023 13:07

I wouldn't elope if you aren't doing it because you want to. I think firm boundaries are better and the way forward.

Notonthestairs · 12/02/2023 13:07

He must stop trying to negotiate the wedding with her. It's not benefiting anyone.

Time to work out a plan just the two of you - whatever will make you both happy.

willithappen · 12/02/2023 13:08

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 12:36

Sorry if I missed this…..did you invite your own mum on your hen do….but not DP Mum? …..or didn’t invite both of them?

You did miss it yes
She invited her own mum to wedding dress shopping it's all in the OP

ShesThunderstorms · 12/02/2023 13:09

Either elope and own it or just carry on with your current wedding plans and do not discuss any of them wit MIL. When she asks give a very vague answer and change the subject. Send her an invite as you would any other guest and treat her as such. Don't get into it with her.

Original poster
Autumnflakes · 12/02/2023 13:10

@Pemba
’quite rightly disowned’ sorry that’s DPs opinion that he believes by eloping that he’ll deserve to be disowned.

We’re both white British.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 12/02/2023 13:11

Elope regardless. Best decision we ever made:)

mumoffourminimes · 12/02/2023 13:12

She's going to be a nightmare about the baby.

I'd elope now. If she thinks she can threaten you to get her way over the wedding imagine how she'll be when the baby is here

Fairysilver · 12/02/2023 13:14

There is a compromise?
You cancel the wedding.
Book a register office for a date of your choosing and invite immediate family only but tell them the day before.

Hydie · 12/02/2023 13:14

Is your wedding booked, paid for, people invited and so on? I wouldn't be cancelling all of that because of 1 person.

WineCap · 12/02/2023 13:16

I would just continue with the wedding as planned if MIL and FIL aren't attending anyway! It sounds like they have done you a favour.

Salome61 · 12/02/2023 13:16

My Dad eloped but was turned away because they hadn't done the 'banns'. I've never looked it up so don't know what it involves, but I think eloping is very romantic.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 12/02/2023 13:17

she sounds like a nightmare.

eloping would be fine if that's what you want.

OR go to radio silence on the big wedding, let it be generally known that you are taking some time to think and are considering postponing. meanwhile organise something small for in a few weeks time, very low key e.g. registry office followed by restaurant dinner, and don't tell anybody until a day or two before. Then those who love you can still be there and there's no time for the histrionics.

but if you elope that's not disrespectful, it's a natural response to being disrespected by people who think they have a right to control you.

mumoffourminimes · 12/02/2023 13:18

Is all this really because she has a problem with her precious boy getting married? Does she oppose the marriage generally?

For what you've said I'd go NC. Call her bluff

IWonderWhyIBother · 12/02/2023 13:23

Save the wedding money for your baby/maternity leave. Just book a date, tell no one, get married and have a party afterwards.

follyfoot37 · 12/02/2023 13:27

No, it isn't disrespectful; this about your life and going forward as a family.
For what it's worth, I have been married for 3 months and neither family know. We'll tell them when they stop speculating and coming up with their two-penneth worth about the type of wedding we should have and who will be doing what. Best decision ever!
Wishing you every happiness

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 13:28

OP you are still not saying if you invited your own Mum on your Hen do….if you did and then didn’t invite your future MIL then that was mean

Cantseethewindows · 12/02/2023 13:30

FIL was a right PITA when we were planning our wedding, really interfering, lots of patronising snarky comments and just basically not trusting us to be up to the job. He just couldn't understand us not wanting a typical huge white wedding. It was fucking stressful and it only got a bit better when now DH wrote a rather clear email back to put him in his box. In the event, we went ahead with our plans the way we wanted them to be. He spent the whole day saying it was the best wedding he'd ever been to😂

A year later SIL (who lived abroad at the time) called us to tell us she and BIL had just got married. I thought it was amazing!!! I would've been happy eloping although I loved our wedding day in the end. FIL and step-MIL were proper cat's bum about it and it's never mentioned. I don't think it's ever occurred to FIL that his behaviour in the run-up to our wedding might have played a not insignificant part in SIL's decision to get married in secret. He's self-aware like that...

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 13:30

mumoffourminimes · 12/02/2023 13:18

Is all this really because she has a problem with her precious boy getting married? Does she oppose the marriage generally?

For what you've said I'd go NC. Call her bluff

OP is already going NC….read the thread……but then OP is saying she worrying about seeing her again…..so not sure if OP knows what NC means🙄

flabbygoldfish · 12/02/2023 13:31

You could argue that MIL is being very disrespectful to you and DP. But this needs to be shut down now - as this is how you life will continue point forward.

Your DP needs to establish boundaries and it is up to her to accept them. If she doesn't and decides not to attend the wedding that is her call, not yours.

Eloping could be easier if that is what you both want to do. Don't do it just to avoid a showdown with MIL.