Eloping is disrespectful to parents?

[Autumnflakes]

We’re currently expecting and our summer wedding plans aren’t going going particularly well.

One of the major issues is MIL as she’s constantly disagreeing with everything we decide and being extremely difficult. She feels she should be a decision maker (she thinks she should be involved in meetings with the venue/suppliers etc - we’re not accepting a penny off her either!)

It’s been one thing after the other, she started a war because I didn’t invite her on my hen do (all other guests in their late 20s/early 30s and she’s in her mid 70s!), I only wanted my mum and best friend for wedding dress shopping, we wasn’t inviting her cousins who we had never met, DP didn’t involve her with the proposal or use the ring she wanted him to use etc etc. MIL has tried a new tactic of now threatening that her and FIL won’t be attending the wedding.

Myself and DP are extremely stressed. My family has recommended that we postpone the wedding for the sake of protecting the baby from the stress.

We both still want to get married but this summer wedding just seems tainted with stress. I love the idea of eloping, very romantic, the day is just about us and we get married without all the faff. DP keeps saying he’d love to elope but it’s disrespectful and quite rightly he’ll be disowned.

Is it disrespectful to elope?

I don’t think it disrespectful but I think it could cause angst given your situation particularly how your MIL has been. Would you tell them in advance of eloping? With baby on the way it seems sensible.
when we got engaged my mother said to me she’d be happy if DH and I eloped. We didn’t but I appreciated her saying that.
I think you need to have a broader discussion with your DP about his mother and boundaries, esp when you have a new baby

No, it isn't. This is YOUR wedding and she's making the whole process a misery.

I'd get quietly married on a Tuesday afternoon and have a fabulous meal then a honeymoon night in a stunning hotel. Back home the next day. She'll be none the wiser.

Then take them out to dinner the following weekend and tell them, Just say you didn't want to wait. 😊

Do it x

A close friend of mine had a terrible first wedding with interfering parents. The whole thing was stressful, having things she didn't want, not having things she did want, people invited that weren't on her and her partner's list. Having to keep warring factions in separate rooms at the reception etc. By 7pm she was in floods of tears in a side room, hating the whole thing. For her second marriage she eloped and loved every minute.

I don't think it's disrespectful but I do think it's a bit unfair. Watching a child get married is a big deal. They saw your first steps, your first word, first day at school etc.
You own parents have done nothing wrong, and to me it seems cruel to exclude them just because your MIL is a PITA.
It also just kicks the problem down the road. If your MIL is overbearing about your wedding then she will almost certainly be the same with your parenting. You need to set boundaries and guard them well, not just avoid conflict

It needs to be nipped in bud now as well f she gets attached to grandchild it will be worse than a wedding. It's your choice to
Postpone or elope but going forward no involvement minimal info given n a need to know basis. Same with baby, give an inch and....

I don't think its disrespectful to elope in all circumstances but it does have repercussions, how will your family feel about not being there? I think your dp needs to sit his mother down and give her some home truths, and warn her that if she doesn't play by the rules you have set then you will not be inviting her. No need to change other plans just uninvite the troublemaker.

But do be careful going forward if she does comply, that she is isn't not being involved as much as your mum, many mothers of grooms feel left out because their sons just don't get them involved- the hen do one of her complaints is interesting because most mothers would be there (you are saying your mum isn't going?)

In your shoes, I would not be getting married at all unless my fiancé demonstrated that he could stand up to his mother.

So, now that the wedding day is cancelled, you have two issues:

Firstly, do you want/need to get the legal protection of marriage before the baby arrives? Who has the most assets - you or DP? If you have more assets, don't get married, and consider not putting DP on the birth certificate. If he has no more assets than you, and you need him to support you through maternity leave, consider a quick registry office wedding asap, purely for legal protection.

Secondly, and more importantly - are you going to allow this woman to have any involvement in your baby's life? You and DP need to agree on this. Your relationship won't survive unless he has your back. Give serious consideration to going full NC and her never being allowed to see your baby. Or, if DP won't agree, you and he need to find something that works for you both. Get it agreed between the two of you before baby arrives.

Thank you to PP that posted that my mum is talking sense. This week has been hell and for the first time in my adult life I asked my mum to come support us (the constant supply of bacon sandwiches seem to be helping).

just after my last post DP suggested that we do actually elope. A couple of days ago PIL sent messages to DP to confirm that we’re not thinking of eloping as they want to be there. They’ve suggested that we just have a service with immediate family. The reason we’re not having our dream wedding is due to MIL… DP sent his parents our first scan picture this week and they ignored him for 24 hours. Obviously MIL was hurt as she wasn’t informed that we were having our scan this week…

DP called out his parents for essentially snubbing our baby and how this is just another example how she likes to ruin everything. Of course MIL is upset and we both need to apologise for not thinking of MIL. DP thinks MIL started to panic that we’re going to elope/she’s no longer in control. MIL apparently was throwing a real pity party last night with her usual hysterics but now promising to say anything to me to fix our relationship. She demanded that DP to tell me how ‘sorry she is’ (she just wants the summer wedding) and for him to text her afterwards with how I took it.

As promised we sent a message saying it’s probably for the best due to all the stress and anxiety for me and MIL to not be in contact while I’m pregnant.

FIL called DP demanding my phone number as he’s furious with me for upsetting MIL. If I don’t retract my statement of not having contact with them during my pregnancy that DP will never see PIL EVER again.

I’m so glad MIL caused a scene for not being informed that we were having our scan this week (deliberately didn’t tell her as I knew she’d make it all about her) as it just proves that she’s unhinged.

DP has sent a message begging to not be disowned but he’s holding out little hope. Like every weekend we’ve had since we’ve been engaged we’re waiting to see what abuse we get from PIL.

@Autumnflakes He needs to stop begging. My parents are also crazy. The begging will show them they can still control him, all that control MIL was panicking she lost he gave back to her with that message.

He needs to stop engaging with the tantrums. Push it back onto them. If they threaten to disown, tell them you're sorry if thats their decision, but if they no longer wish to have a relationship with him and baby etc that's their choice and he'll have to respect that.

Because they don't want that! 90% of the time, they'll back down immediately. The remaining 10% IGNORE THEM. They expect you to ring them up begging. When you don't they'll shit themselves, ring you and act like nothing has happened and they don't remember saying they didn't want to speak to you again. They will learn quickly this tactic doesn't work. You don't need to escalate the situation if you don't want to by forcing them to confront, but you can be firm with your boundaries and it will have an effect.

Not disrespectful no. But expecting a difficult reaction from some relatives might help you prepare for this. And nothing to stop you having a party afterwards with friends and family.

Don’t beg! My MIL ignored us at times when I was pregnant with my second. We didn’t tell her about every scan, but we also didn’t tell her when my elective section was (the first time she was waiting outside my hospital room and ended up seeing my baby before me!) and when dh rang to say we’d had the baby, she shouted at him! He came back in tears. What a cow! She then refused to see our baby and was issued with an ultimatum- she turned up and we have a photo of her holding baby and MIL has such a grumpy face!

Nearly 20 yrs later she still treats my dc poorly! Give up now - it’s not worth the stress. Look after yourself.

I wouldn't elope unless you both want to.

Have the wedding you both want.

His mother needs to get over it and your DP needs to seriously put some boundaries in place and make it clear you're a united unit.

Please don't marry this man child.

He needs his batshit parents too much.

He's not an adult.

What adult begs their batshit parents?.

Do not elope, do not marry and definitely do not give this baby his name.

He feels like your soul mate now but believe me 12 months from now you will not be feeling like that.

You will be a mother with a baby, with a partner who is at the mercy of his family and the stress he and his family bring to your life, will kill your love.

Your mum can see this.
She so wants to protect you from a shit show future.

I'm not saying break up, I am saying keep your distance legally from him and his family.

You should NEVER see this woman again.
EVER.

She will be an angry poison in the ear of your child.

Don't marry him.
Don't give the baby his name.

Protect yourself.
He may want to put you first, but he is too damaged to do it.
That is why he is begging his batshit family.
This is so NOT normal.
Your baby desperately needs one normal strong parent.

His background is a Jeremy Kyle episode.

It will NEVER improve.

I feel so sorry for your parents.
What an utter nightmare for them to be witness to.

Please listen to them.

Absolutely listen to your parents. Seems your partner is putting his parents before you and your child. Begging? Seriously?

I'm a mum and MIL, and my children's weddings were arranged with what THEY wanted. We paid a contribution, and whilst I might not have agreed with all their decisions, I kept my mouth shut because it was their day. Yes , I gave advice when it was asked for, but they didn't have to take it.

Threatening to disown their own son over a wedding is just awful behaviour 😕

I'd feel terribly sad if I was your Mum, to miss my daughters wedding because of someone else's behaviour. Maybe postpone Wedding and just hope she doesn't come.

I recall my daughter and her family being invited to her friend's engagement party at a big venue, when they got there is was a wedding, very few people were in on the secret, no pre-wedding angst, and they all had a great time once they were over the shock!

I'd feel terribly sad if I was your Mum, to miss my daughters wedding because of someone else's behaviour. Maybe postpone Wedding and just hope she doesn't come.
I was thinking the same

Why should other family members and friends miss out celebrating a lovely union just because PIL can't stop throwing their toys out the pram.

I'd talk through with him about what is the worst case scenario for being disowned. He's obviously terrified of it, I'm guessing they've drilled something horrible into his head, but with all this stress, I'm struggling to see what is worth it that he's begging other than he's been conditioned to do so for them.

Eloping is one of our best choices. We were young and would have gotten it in the neck. I even had an in-law apologize to me because they'd been horrified when they'd found out, but years on saw it was the best thing. I was shunned/disowned for leaving my birth country, still have a great life without any of their drama.

And you could include your mother in eloping, you still need witnesses. When my husband's step-father and mother eloped, step-father brought her parents in on it because he knew it would be important to her.

My parents eloped. They’ve been married 50 years. My mum said that her mum was a bit sad at the time but soon got over it.

Why is he begging not to be disowned?? if it’s money then you both need to walk away for your and your future children’s happiness and mental health. Inheritance isn’t guaranteed anyway but he risks loosing you and his child if he doesn’t put up boundaries to his parents

A friend of mine got married at the local registry office without telling anyone as she wanted to be married before the baby arrived.
When the baby was christened the vicar at the church blessed their marriage and they had a big party after, that everyone had been invited to.
It all sounds far too stressful, my MIL didn't approve of her son's choice so my PIL never came to my registry office wedding or reception.
With time she got over it all as DH made it clear that he wasn't giving in to her nonsense, and I used to ignore her insults (I actually used to find her behaviour vaguely amusing) and eventually when she realised she wasn't getting anywhere she slowly gave up over time.
OP don't let her get to you, its really not worth it to your physical and mental health, and really her behaviour is really pathetic, she cannot cope with the fact that you are more important in her sons life than she is!

Why the hell did he beg them not to be disinherited? He's given control right back to her. And undermined you.
👏🏻👏🏻

Elope come back say you've postponed the wedding due to stress baby etc and then wait for a while. Maybe she'll get over herself when your baby has arrived.