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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t have fought back?

224 replies

Namechange12908 · 06/02/2023 18:43

DS is in year 2. Had a call from the headteacher today to say him and friend got into a fight with two other boys. Apparently some two way teasing that escalated (“im better than you at this game, no you’re not” sort of argument). The other boys hit first, but DS and friend retaliated, punching and kicking and turned into a proper fight between the four of them. All boys are being punished, school are saying DS shouldn’t have retaliated. I agree with this.

DH disagrees, and says he didn’t start the physical fight, but given the other boys hit first he was fine to fight back.

We need to talk to him about this and DH and I are not on same page. AIBU am to say he must not hit or punch back if he can safely walk away and tell a teacher? Especially at age 7 in a school playground?

OP posts:
JupiterFortified · 06/02/2023 18:45

I personally agree with your DH - if you are hit first then you hit back.

However, I suspect your DH and I will be in the minority.

JessesMum777888 · 06/02/2023 18:45

your Son did the right thing fighting back IMO.

MistyFrequencies · 06/02/2023 18:46

im with your DH. Of course you hit back.

fizzydrinkss · 06/02/2023 18:47

I'm with your DH. Always hit back, as long as you don't start the fight.

Gobbledygoo · 06/02/2023 18:47

I tell my kids, Never throw the first punch, fair game after that imo

Parky04 · 06/02/2023 18:49

I'm with your DH. If someone hits you then hit them back. Probably won't do it again!

withgraceinmyheart · 06/02/2023 18:49

Depends what ‘hit back’ means, imho it shouldn’t go beyond self defence.

It sounds like he was retaliating, which is a dangerous thing to encourage. This can escalate and as he gets older, someone might get properly hurt.

Pushing someone off you is fine, fighting it not.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/02/2023 18:49

Your way of thinking was the way I was brought up and it lead to me being bullied,the day I hit back ended it there and then. I have always taught my ds not to start a fight but I'll back him up if he defends himself.

2crossedout1 · 06/02/2023 18:50

In this situation I'm with you OP. It sounds like they are normally friends and things got out of hand. All four boys should be punished.

If it was a case of intimidation or bullying that would be different. Then, it is sometimes necessary to hit back.

ShoesCoatandBag · 06/02/2023 18:51

I’m with your DH.

should be punished at school as he should have taken steps to de-escalate (sp? ) before fighting started. But walloping someone back is absolutely fine.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 06/02/2023 18:51

I'm with your DH. Kids who don't fight back become the punchbag.

Dacadactyl · 06/02/2023 18:52

I agree with your husband. Your son was right to fight back.

JosephFrancis · 06/02/2023 18:52

I hope, if anyone hits one of my children, that my child would clobber the absolute shit out of them. I would want it to be the most perfect demonstration of Fuck Around and Find Out that the bullies would ever get. The school could punish as per their behaviour policy and I would back the school's right to do it, but I wouldn't tell my kid off. I'd tell them they did the right thing. Don't be a victim because you're afraid of being told off. In school you're in trouble the minute someone starts on you. It's resolved faster if you choose a bollocking from the teachers rather than being bullied for years.

Iamnotthe1 · 06/02/2023 18:53

Fighting back is not a great viewpoint to instil in your child because there is a fine line between self defence and retaliation and many people don't know the difference nor the legal consequences for behaving that way as a teen/adult.

You want your child to know that he can take action to defend himself and get out of the situation but not to go beyond that. In this case, it sounds like he made the wrong choice.

MarshaMelrose · 06/02/2023 18:54

No, you don't hit back. Obviously if they carry on, then you have to defend yourself. But over a stupid thing like that, no. You calm the situation, not escalate it. One punch can do serious harm and then no one cares who started it.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/02/2023 18:55

I agree with you OP. Hitting back turns it into a fully blown fight where your child is more likely to actually get hurt. Different if it's self defence or a child being picked on perhaps but in a playground between friends i would be encouraging him to get an adult to safely intervene. I would also try to teach him strategies to help deesculate arguments before they come physical.

Mangogogogo · 06/02/2023 18:55

Initially I think your dh is right.. however…
when he’s bigger and someone hits him there is a very, very fine line between self defence and assault. If the other person comes off worse that’s him in massive trouble.. so logically I’m on your side. Argh

ReamsOfCheese · 06/02/2023 18:55

You have to learn to stand up for yourself, stand your ground, and push back at bullies in life otherwise you end up being that waitress on the other thread who was hiding in a stockroom because she couldn't cope with doing a refund on an order she cocked up when the customer wasn't even angry.

Newtonsnipple · 06/02/2023 18:56

Unless you want your son to become the class punching bag...I'd go with DH's advice.

I've NEVER seen a bully's behaviour improve with any school 'interventions' and kindness. When the child they pick on hits back just as hard though...it's amazing how quickly it stops.

Tallisker · 06/02/2023 18:56

As a young teen I was told to be the bigger person and walk away. Turn the other cheek. I got a reputation of being a scaredy-cat that anyone could pick on and got bullied for years. Wish I'd just smacked the first one in the first day and stopped it in its tracks. It ruined my education.

Twice armed is he who has his causes just.
Thrice armed is he who gets his blow in first 😁

Velvetbee · 06/02/2023 18:58

I’m with your DH too. Hit back harder, little darlings won’t do it again.

Tallisker · 06/02/2023 18:58

It being the bullying, not the person 🙄

johsq20 · 06/02/2023 18:58

I agree with DH and majority of others on the thread - don't throw the first punch but if someone hits you first of course you defend yourself.

Oysterbabe · 06/02/2023 18:58

How sure are you that they hit first? Sounds like a situation where all the boys are to blame to me.

RachelSq · 06/02/2023 19:00

I’m a bit of both.

I hate encouraging violence and think it’s a dangerous precedent to set that you can do whatever you like if someone hits you first.

With my year 1 DS I’m still in the don’t hit back camp (he was a hitty toddler and I do not want that to resurface) but we’ve had the discussion that he’s not to let himself be walked over at all. Possible complication here is that he learns karate and actually could hurt someone if he punched hard, but with the added plus side that he actually knows how to punch if necessary…