To think DS shouldn’t have fought back?

[Namechange12908]

DS is in year 2. Had a call from the headteacher today to say him and friend got into a fight with two other boys. Apparently some two way teasing that escalated (“im better than you at this game, no you’re not” sort of argument). The other boys hit first, but DS and friend retaliated, punching and kicking and turned into a proper fight between the four of them. All boys are being punished, school are saying DS shouldn’t have retaliated. I agree with this.

DH disagrees, and says he didn’t start the physical fight, but given the other boys hit first he was fine to fight back.

We need to talk to him about this and DH and I are not on same page. AIBU am to say he must not hit or punch back if he can safely walk away and tell a teacher? Especially at age 7 in a school playground?

Maybe your conversation shouldn't be about hitting back once the first punch has been thrown because then you are obviously in a position of having to defend yourself. Perhaps a discussion about how to walk away from disagreements before they get to the violent stage or how to defuse arguments would bering you and your DH onto the same page?

I say to my children they it is for them to decide in the moment what they think they need to do to keep themself safest. If they can easily get away and they think that’s safest do that. If they think it’s safest to give a hard push or hot back then do that.

i think it’s hard to know what is right to do in a fight. In some circumstances hitting back might escalate the situation and lead to more danger, in other situations it might let the other person know they can’t push you about.

m it’s a tough one. I certainly wouldn’t be telling a child off for hitting back.

This.

As a child in primary school you hit back.

Once in secondary school and beyond you need to learn to pick your battles.

Another parent not on her child's side. The bully needs to learn they can't just hit people and expect them not to retaliate. Stand up for your child goodness sake.

It depends how you want your kids brought up. Im teaching mine to fight back

Wow - Thanks all sounds like I might BU.

I’m not sure how strongly DS retaliated rather than just ‘hit back’, sounds like all 4 boys were punching and kicking each after the first punches, all same age.

he has a younger sibling and they do occasionally throw the odd punch in the arm, with the other hitting back once if we don’t see and intercept. But it’s never turned into an actual fight. He’s never fought with anyone same age before that I’m aware.

I'd want to know what was said to provoke getting hit, if anything. In theory I agree on hitting back, but it sounds like they all should have walked away before it got physical. Out in many towns that behaviour gets you stabbed these days. Men not being able to back away is the reason for most violent behaviour, especially around football. They've all took it too far. It isn't a case of bullying, there's always projection on MN around perceived bullying. Realistically the best thing young men can do is not get provoked to hit each other. There's too many ending up with life changing injuries and dead after a simple night out.

I was always taught to take the moral high ground and not retaliate, what did it get me...? Beaten up more than once and ignored by the police. The first time I hit back was the end of it, it never happened again. I was no longer seen as weak.

What was he supposed to do? Stand there and get hit?

I was always taught by my Dad not to throw the first punch but if hit, hit back harder.

It served me well. When ExH hit, I hit back harder and got myself the fuck out of there, straight to my Dad.

I can see where you're coming from but you can't always rely on someone else to defend or protect you and have to take that on yourself. They hit, your little boy defended himself and friend.

OP I take it you've never been bullied, or indeed lived in the real world. Yes obviously your son should defend himself

They all told the same story to the head. Other boys admitted hitting first after DS and friend said something to annoy them. I’m going to try to get to bottom of how what seemed friendly banter escalated to an argument that resulted in violence.

My dd got pushed next day elbowed next day hit all by the same girl even tho i had brought it up with the teacher and she said she would speak to girl, Forth time girl pushed my dd my dd finally took my advice and pushed her back . Dd has had no issues since.

I was bullied at school and it only stopped when I punched back.
So that's what I told my child - if someone starts it, you can finish it.

This fighting back is all very well until someone else accidentally pushes your DC (or they think they have) and your DC 'retaliates'.
This also wasn't a bullying scenario it was verbal stuff escalating.

There is nothing wrong with self-defence and protecting yourself.

Your son did the right thing. What was he supposed to do? get beaten up? potentially get badly hurt if he did not do anything to try to fight/stop them?

If you punish him you are teaching him that he should let himself be kicked around by bullies.

I would tell him that he should not start fights but that if someone goes for him he is perfectly right to fight back.

But why would your husband intercept if one was attacked hit by the other? Why does he not just let them fight to a standstill. After all one of them is just standing up for himself and the other needs to learn a lesson? And in your husbands fight rules, if one seems like they're losing, can they arm themselves in the fight? Blunt objects? Sharp objects?

Hitting back although not throwing the first punch ended up with a family member getting an ABH conviction as there was an accidental injury to the other party. He claimed self defence but was deemed to have been excessive in his reaction.

Taught me unless I'm in mortal danger, walk away

Can you imagine walking down the street and some woman comes up to you and starts attacking you? You're going to start defending yourself in any way you can.

I don't understand why it's OK for an adult to do but kids are just supposed to stand there and take it.

I tell mine to hit back everytime. If someone hit me I'd hit them back.

There is a difference between self defence and turning it into a fight. It's important to teach kids the difference

Its not OK for an adult to do. If self defense is excessive, its assault.

Oh gosh, I’m genuinely shocked at the responses. I’m bringing my DD (6.5) up to walk away & now I’ve given it more thought, I don’t think my approach is right.

I just don’t want anyone to fight & it makes me sad that this is even happening.

On paper I agree with you shouldn't hit back and should walk away.....but reality when it comes to DS1 (who's 4!) have found that if he does hit back that's generally the end of it and they don't start things again compared to telling the teacher when he then gor picked on again.

What's excessive about fighting back to stop the other person attacking you?