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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t have fought back?

224 replies

Namechange12908 · 06/02/2023 18:43

DS is in year 2. Had a call from the headteacher today to say him and friend got into a fight with two other boys. Apparently some two way teasing that escalated (“im better than you at this game, no you’re not” sort of argument). The other boys hit first, but DS and friend retaliated, punching and kicking and turned into a proper fight between the four of them. All boys are being punished, school are saying DS shouldn’t have retaliated. I agree with this.

DH disagrees, and says he didn’t start the physical fight, but given the other boys hit first he was fine to fight back.

We need to talk to him about this and DH and I are not on same page. AIBU am to say he must not hit or punch back if he can safely walk away and tell a teacher? Especially at age 7 in a school playground?

OP posts:
Springis · 06/02/2023 20:36

Watsername · 06/02/2023 20:30

No, he shouldn't hit back.

At my school we encourage them to tell a grown up immediately if they have been hurt, and it will be dealt with. If they hit back, then they get into trouble too. It is never acceptable to hit.

No? So if a mugger grabs you by the throat in the street, you say “Please stop, that’s upsetting me, I will call for the authorities” do you?

Harsh truth is, some of the kids at your school are going to grow up into muggers, rapists and bullies. Telling a teacher about assault (and hitting is assault, not mere ‘bullying’) might help, might make it worse, depends on the nature of the school and the attacker.

Basic self-defence, including hitting if necessary, is a legal right in England. Schools aren’t some kind of law-free zone.

Cocobutt · 06/02/2023 20:36

Sorry but if someone physically assaults me I will hit them back until they stop.

This is the trouble though - it usually doesn’t stop them and it just makes them keep hitting.

Many times the person who starts it, is looking for a fight so they love nothing more than someone who fights back.

That’s why you see some men on a Saturday night trying to goad others into an argument by saying they were staring at them etc.

I don’t blame anyone for hitting back but I wouldn’t advise a child to unless there was no other option, as I know they’ll more than likely either come off worse or get in just as much trouble for it.

Prescottdanni123 · 06/02/2023 20:37

@RachelSq

Sorry, I was trying to tag someone else 😳Accidentally clicked your name when the predictive list came up.

anomaly23 · 06/02/2023 20:37

Your son did the right thing fighting back. I always tell ds if someone hits you, hit them back.

AlwaysGinPlease · 06/02/2023 20:38

Watsername · 06/02/2023 20:30

No, he shouldn't hit back.

At my school we encourage them to tell a grown up immediately if they have been hurt, and it will be dealt with. If they hit back, then they get into trouble too. It is never acceptable to hit.

Never acceptable to hit? No it's not. So tell the bullies that. Teachers are happy to say tell an adult when most of them do nothing about it.

Honestly it's ridiculous. If you stood there in the street with someone hurting you and didn't defend yourself, more fool you.

LakeTiticaca · 06/02/2023 20:39

I have to agree with DP.
Your son I entitled to protect himself. It's also a warning to others not to bully him

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:40

No? So if a mugger grabs you by the throat in the street, you say “Please stop, that’s upsetting me, I will call for the authorities” do you?

No but you don't start having a fight with them. You give them what they want eg phone or bag. I know kids who have been mugged at knifepoint, they are not hitting back...

AliceMcK · 06/02/2023 20:42

I’ve always taught my DDs not to start a fight, try and walk away if they can, but it someone hits them first and they can’t walk away they have my permission to defend themselves. They will never be punished by us for defending themselves regardless of what the school says.

Onnabugeisha · 06/02/2023 20:42

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:40

No? So if a mugger grabs you by the throat in the street, you say “Please stop, that’s upsetting me, I will call for the authorities” do you?

No but you don't start having a fight with them. You give them what they want eg phone or bag. I know kids who have been mugged at knifepoint, they are not hitting back...

What if they want to rape you and then stab you? Just let them do that too?

YouJustDoYou · 06/02/2023 20:44

URGH, I simply don't understand this victim blaming mentality schools have. What do thy expect kids to do, get punched and just stand there and take it? Adults don't always do that, let alone little kids!

Notjusta · 06/02/2023 20:44

Onnabugeisha · 06/02/2023 20:42

What if they want to rape you and then stab you? Just let them do that too?

Show quote history

Is it the fault of women who are raped and murdered then,? Should they have just fought back more?!!

Onnabugeisha · 06/02/2023 20:52

Notjusta · 06/02/2023 20:44

Is it the fault of women who are raped and murdered then,? Should they have just fought back more?!!

Show quote history

Don’t be like that. I’m responding to a poster that literally said “don’t start a fight” and “give them what they want” as advice to someone held by the throat by a mugger.

Fwiw, I fought like a hell cat. I’m not going to sit here and be told I should not fight back. I should “use words” and I should “give them what they want” if attacked.

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:53

@Onnabugeisha like I said in my previous post the objective is always to get away. Nothing wrong with fighting in order to to get away.
But tbh in a situation like that many people have no idea how they will react & will likely do anything to survive.

Nat6999 · 06/02/2023 20:53

Ds had been pushed, hit & kicked by his bully at school until one night when he had come out of school & the bully hit him, ds stood his ground & punched him back, I was sat in the car across the road & I had to sit on my hands to stop me from clapping, the little shit got what he deserved & never touched ds again.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 06/02/2023 20:54

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:21

Sorry but if someone physically assaults me I will hit them back until they stop.

lol, where do you live?

The best thing is not to get into trouble & walk away from it.

The whole "hit back harder" schtick doesn't really work outside of primary school.

Well luckily he is in primary school.

And I live in C London. Nobody's coming if you scream. Hit back or get battered.

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:55

Don’t be like that. I’m responding to a poster that literally said “don’t start a fight” and “give them what they want” as advice to someone held by the throat by a mugger.

Yes I do think anyone who is being mugged should hand over their belongings as opposed to getting into a fight. I guess it depends on where you were brought up though. I grew up in a rough part of London & you learn early on it's not worth getting stabbed for a phone or whatever.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 06/02/2023 20:55

Don’t ever start a fight, but always finish it is my mantra.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 06/02/2023 20:55

Also I was bullied for 3 years at school. Very badly, I was a pacifist. I tried to do the right thing.

How did I get them to finally finally stop? Exactly what people had been saying for years... I fought back.

They never came near me again. Still getting over the mental damage they did to me.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/02/2023 20:58

First rule is to get away if you can in martial arts/self-defence.
Barring that you do what is necessary to get away.
I struggle with the "everybody gets in trouble" approach that schools take. I think it risks the victim being more seriously injured. ie so as not to get in trouble is the victim just supposed to take the beating? 🤷‍♀️
I agree with you dh in this case.

puppacup · 06/02/2023 20:59

And I live in C London. Nobody's coming if you scream. Hit back or get battered.

Yep but in real life it's highly unusual for a stranger to come up & batter you. How many times have you been in that situation & fought back?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/02/2023 20:59

IDontWantToBeAPie · 06/02/2023 20:55

Also I was bullied for 3 years at school. Very badly, I was a pacifist. I tried to do the right thing.

How did I get them to finally finally stop? Exactly what people had been saying for years... I fought back.

They never came near me again. Still getting over the mental damage they did to me.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It is a terrible price you've paid for trying to be above it. 🌹

🌹❤️to all victims of bullying🌹❤️

puppacup · 06/02/2023 21:01

@Onnabugeisha if your dc were mugged at knifepoint would you encourage them to fight back?

jannier · 06/02/2023 21:02

Namechange12908 · 06/02/2023 18:43

DS is in year 2. Had a call from the headteacher today to say him and friend got into a fight with two other boys. Apparently some two way teasing that escalated (“im better than you at this game, no you’re not” sort of argument). The other boys hit first, but DS and friend retaliated, punching and kicking and turned into a proper fight between the four of them. All boys are being punished, school are saying DS shouldn’t have retaliated. I agree with this.

DH disagrees, and says he didn’t start the physical fight, but given the other boys hit first he was fine to fight back.

We need to talk to him about this and DH and I are not on same page. AIBU am to say he must not hit or punch back if he can safely walk away and tell a teacher? Especially at age 7 in a school playground?

If he walked away the rest of his school years would be hell unfortunately

LanaCara · 06/02/2023 21:03

Teachers will always say they shouldn't hit back, the reality is they should hit back. I'm with your DH.

Strictly1 · 06/02/2023 21:04

Often it’s not clear who started it as one will push and then the next one hits and so on. They are seven! They sound like they are usually friends and they’ve had a disagreement. If you follow your DH and previous posters’ advice and knock the shit out of them they won’t be friends again. It’ll be your child labelled as the bully.
Children of that age are not the best judges of what happened. We were playing tig - it felt like a hit so my dad said thump him etc.
I work in school - this advice usually leads to more trouble. It’s not secondary school where children are deliberately targeting others - it’s children playing and falling out but using their fists to resolve it if your DH advice is to be followed. It won’t end well.