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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiance and compromise

223 replies

feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:15

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:16

He's also just come up to say that I'm a controlling lunatic and that he's not putting up with this controlling bullshit anymore

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 01/02/2023 09:17

All this bullshit is why he ended up divorced in the first place.

Imagine having 2 kids to deal with and having him act like this. The ex got out for a good reason and so should you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 09:20

When does he see his kids if he’s out this much in the evenings and presumably working during the day? Are you doing all his parenting when they’re over half the week?

That aside, he’s verbally abusive, clearly will never compromise, uses his ex to beat you with, doesn’t want to spend time with you and isn’t worthy of you at all.

Time to move on.

Hoppinggreen · 01/02/2023 09:21

Firstly he’s a selfish arsehole
Secondly when does he actually spend time with his kids?

rainbowstardrops · 01/02/2023 09:23

My first thought was why is he going out so much when his children are at your house?
He's showing you that he prefers a free single life. I'd give it to him.

GrumpyInsomniac · 01/02/2023 09:23

I can certainly see why your current relationship works for him: company when he can be bothered, and someone to look after the kids when he’s too busy to be bothered and they’re at his. But what do you get out of it?

Is he an equal partner on things like housework and cooking? Or are you busy making a home as well as working and waiting for him to grace you with his delightful presence?

Honestly, I’d get rid. It’s not being controlling to want to have a discussion about these things. He’s not a single bloke any more, and he’s supposed to be wanting to spend the rest of his life as your partner. He needs to start behaving like this is the case.

ilovelamp82 · 01/02/2023 09:25

This is why he is divorced. His ex got fed up of it. He would call her controlling to get her to stop 'nagging'. And now he's doing the same with you. Were you planning on having kids with him? This has disaster written all over it. There's is nothing more relationship destroying than a man who leaves you with all the child rearing while he continues with his social life. And then calls you names so you doubt yourself to boot. Cut your losses. He doesn't care to even listen. He won't change. The way he speaks about his ex will be the way he speaks about you.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/02/2023 09:25

I would start going out more in the week. He can sort his kids out

rogueone · 01/02/2023 09:26

So you have become the default parent as he can’t be arsed. Time with his kids is exactly that- him choosing to go out shows he thinks parenting is a woman’s job whether step kids or not. I wouldn’t be marrying him and reflect on what you’re getting out of this relationship

Annoyingwurringnoise · 01/02/2023 09:27

The way he speaks to you and about you, you shouldn’t be with him at all. You deserve better than this OP. He’s abusive towards you, please don’t marry him.

rogueone · 01/02/2023 09:27

Also when he moved in did he move in with you? Not unusual for men like this to find a woman with her own large house that can accommodate him and his kids- a

Dragonsandcats · 01/02/2023 09:27

He sounds like an arse who doesn’t want to spend any time with you or his kids

Baambi · 01/02/2023 09:29

I dont think there's anything wrong with drinks once a week with his mates and football twice a week. Football is the equivalent to going the gym twice a week, its exercise and good for the soul. So this week he's had a leaving do on top of that which has made for a really busy one off week......

Merryoldgoat · 01/02/2023 09:29

Generally I wouldn’t want to spend that much time apart from someone I live with but understand there are weeks which will be busier than others etc so I wouldn’t look at ‘rules’ - I’d want to talk like you tried to.

His response was something I wouldn’t be happy with either. It feels like you’re relationship only works when you do what he wants so it’s time to move on.

Ragwort · 01/02/2023 09:30

Are you left to look after boys or are they independent and do their own things?

What do you get out of the relationship?

Personally I am very happy at home on my own and love my DH going out in the evenings - but he rarely does Grin. But that's just me and my relationship.

The way he speaks to you is appalling...and if you have to 'ask' someone to stay in with you then your relationship sounds doomed .. and now even if he does 'stay in' you will feel he only does it because you are asking him to. Make plans to leave ... what is your housing situation?

Baambi · 01/02/2023 09:31

If you're trying to tell him he can go out 2 nights then you're saying he can only do his football and nothing else?

Is he out all night for football? Or home and showered by a decent hour to see you?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/02/2023 09:32

Some men /people are like this, social animals to whom being out and hanging with other guys is more important and more enjoyable than being home. I have a family member like this, and he is actually much nicer ( towards the GF) when flat sharing with another guy and and seeing his girlfriend by arrangement.
It doesn't sound as if you are compatible in your lifestyles.

plumduck · 01/02/2023 09:33

If its not working just leave

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 09:35

Baambi · 01/02/2023 09:29

I dont think there's anything wrong with drinks once a week with his mates and football twice a week. Football is the equivalent to going the gym twice a week, its exercise and good for the soul. So this week he's had a leaving do on top of that which has made for a really busy one off week......

I agree with this. My husband goes to the gym/swimming more times a week than your DP goes to football. I would rather my middle aged partner was out keeping fit like that than sat at home. It does seem like you are coming across as perhaps a bit needy. His response isn't great but are you complaining a lot? It is probably a bit 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 09:36

Baambi · 01/02/2023 09:29

I dont think there's anything wrong with drinks once a week with his mates and football twice a week. Football is the equivalent to going the gym twice a week, its exercise and good for the soul. So this week he's had a leaving do on top of that which has made for a really busy one off week......

I agree with this, you're trying to tell him he can have 2 nights out of the house and he has to have 5 nights with you.....I dont think youbare compatible. I dont think he's doing anything wrong on a normal week have 2 nights football and 1 night with friends.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/02/2023 09:36

What’s he like with housework, washing etc Sex? When does he see his kids?

He sounds like a petulant teenager!

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 09:37

Shinyandnew1 · 01/02/2023 09:36

What’s he like with housework, washing etc Sex? When does he see his kids?

He sounds like a petulant teenager!

Because he wants to play football twice and drinks out once? So 3 nights a week out of 7 he wants to do his own thing, and that makes him sound like a teenager?

Sometim · 01/02/2023 09:40

I'd suggest maybe you find a hobby or some friends to spend a bit of time with instead of putting it all on your partner. He's not doing anything wrong.

Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:41

In general we have a good relationship and we split housework 50/50, I do most of the cooking and he cooks once or twice a week.

This week is slightly unusual, he's maybe at football twice a week and then out with his friends once a week. Football one night he gets in around 11 (unless he goes for a pint after) and the other he is usually back by 9/9.30.

Re the kids he will see them when he is here but we generally just have dinner together and then they go to their rooms. They don't really have any interest in hanging out with us given their ages. This week he's not seen them so far though as he has been out.

To be honest I'm upset now as it's more the way he talks to me. I feel he has no interest in listening to what I have to say, it's all 'him him him' and as long as he's happy then who gives a shit.

The things he says to me makes me feel controlling though so that's what I wanted to see, whether I am being or whether what I'm asking is reasonable.

OP posts:
PurpleRaindancing · 01/02/2023 09:42

The real question is who does all the house and child work? If you have 50:50 children even teenagers he can't be out after work to late 3 or more times a week every week? Who feeds them? Who washes their uniform? Who takes them shopping or listens to teen angsty stuff or does at least minimal show soon or where they are?

You don't need your dad less a teenager when a young man, you need them more but in a less obvious way

Does football twice a week after work mean couple hours out for exercise or gone all evening back at midnight as he's been drinking afterwards?

It sounds to me that not only don't you see him much but neither does your house or his children? You've been left as default parent and default housewife whilst he lives a single life . That doesn't sound fun.

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