Fiance and compromise

[feghs324]

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

In any event, any man who calls his girlfriend a controlling lunatic when she wants to have a conversation about being left in loco parentis most of the time is clearly a cunt so I'm mystified why anyone is defending him.

And do you know how that conversation went down? Do you know if she's actually a controlling lunatic or not?

Most of the time? You mean 3 nights a week out of 14, and that's because the OP has chosen to stay in and do it. No one is forcing her.

Yes 3 nights in 14 isn't most of the time 🤣 and she is chosing to stay in because she said she likes to stay in Monday to Thursday. I dont know many people who would be happy staying in all week to be honest.

She's choosing to stay home - nobody is forcing her. She's also only "in loco parentis" for 3-4 nights out of 14 - it's not even half the the time, let alone most of the time 😂

As long as he’s not using you too baby sit his children while he goes out I can’t see the problem. You can’t make someone want to spend more time with you against their will. That is controlling. If you don’t like him the way he is, i.e. sociable and wanting to go out a lot, and you don’t think the amount of time he wants to spend with you is enough then don’t marry him and for goodness sake don’t have children with him.

Yes point totally taken re single parent, even if we coparented well I wouldn't have this freedom. I took the comment as a more general once yo u have kids...

As long as he’s not using you too baby sit his children while he goes out

Well he is.

No he's not - they're old enough to be left in the evenings occasionally if OP wants to go out. We're talking about a 15 and a 17 year old - not a pair of primary schoolers.

They are old enough to be left, I’m not saying they’re not. But 15 and 17 year olds still benefit from their father’s company and attention and his taking an interest in their lives, given they don’t live with him. They’re not going to be around much longer. He basically makes no effort with them.

They live with him 50% of the time. He sees them 4 nights out of 7, and no doubt still sees them after 9pm on 2 more of those nights. He's not using anyone for babysitting, they don't need babysitting. They eat and then do their own thing, as stated by OP. Should he stay home 7 nights a week to watch them eat? He's allowed to exercise.

But that still doesn't mean he's using OP to babysit.

She's perfectly free to go out if she wants - she just doesn't want to. That doesn't make her the babysitter.

Hmm. I would feel very hemmed in and controlled by anyone telling me that they wanted me to sit on the "couch" and watch TV with them. I'd be finding reasons to go out in that situation.

But that means I wouldn't be compatible with OP. So perhaps the issue is simply that they have differing needs?

@feghs324 you made a choice when you decided to move to your partner's neck of the woods. You can't really blame him if you don't want to make a 45 minute journey to meet your own friends. If I were you, I'd be making that journey, rather than nagging your partner to come home.

Why do people keep saying he’s home 4 nights a week?! No he’s not, OP has said they often go out together on a Friday and Saturday, and he’s out watching football on Sunday (or something along those lines!)

It seems he hardly spends any time at all with his kids.

I go to the gym three times a week. If my husband told me I couldn’t, I’d be cross. What are you planning on doing when in? If it’s sat in from of the TV I can understand his reluctance.

whatever the actual arrangements are, how many nights for this or that, every one needs to be able to discuss the relationship and how it works, and to work out disagreements. And calling someone names is never ok. I guess as others have said, there is a reason he is divorced.

Shes only complaining about the Monday to Thursday, it's her she's complaining on behalf of, not his kids.

Sounds to me like he sees his very grown up kids:
1 evening between Monday and Thur in full
and
2 evenings between Mon and Thur after 9pm, and prob for dinner before he goes to football
and
Friday before they go out if they go out
and
All day and night Saturday
and
Sundays, poss watches football, but around those 2 hours is the rest of Sunday.

That's not unreasonable for teenage kids who, in OPs words, go off and do their own thing like teenagers do.

Because she’s home he can fuck off out without thinking who’s going to cook for them or help with homework etc, or any adult interaction.

This week he was out Monday, Tues, Wed, was supposed to be out Thurs but it was cancelled and they’re going out together Friday.

OP can go out if she wants to but he’s still treating his kids like he’s treating her.

His schedule this week was: out every night Mon-Fri, only footie was cancelled on Thurs. OP says they out together Fri and Sat and he watches footie on Sunday. The kids only with him 50:50 anyway.

His kids are used to a dad who spends no time with them so of course they go off and do their own thing.

His schedule this week was different to the norm, there was also a leaving do.

99% of teenagers go off and do their own thing. I dont know a teenager that sits and chills with parents each night, do you?

I don't see playing football twice in a week as an issue - it's the same as going to the gym.. but, doing it and a night out when he's got the kids is a dick move!

On the other weeks, playing football twice is normal - it's his hobby but I'd expect when he has the kids, he'd drop one of these to make sure he spent time with them. The night out.. unless it was someone very close then quite frankly saying you can't go because you've got the kids is a perfectly normal reason for missing nights out.

What are weekends like? Do you spend lots of time together? If so then using this week for example you'll have Monday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday doing things together which is actually ok.. but like you've alluded to, this week he has been a lazy shit, particularly when it comes to the kids and you questioning this doesn't make you controlling at all.

Overall, he sounds like a bit of a shit dad at the very least. His reaction to your questioning makes it pretty obvious he wants to have full say in everything he does and you and his kids have to fit around him. He needs to grow up.

So from your posts
he does 1/2 house work
sorts his kids doesn’t dump that on you
not tight with money
plays football twice a week and normally home 9/9.30
1 mid week night out with friends

he’s had a busy week this week socially with leaving do and you’ve kicked off

tbh I don’t think he’s particularly wrong

You only have his word for it that his ex was controlling. I bet it isn't true. And now he's accusing you of the same thing!
I have to say that he doesn't sound very nice.
Maybe you need to rethink spending the rest of your life with him.

He normally plays football twice a week and goes out with his friends once a week. That’s 3 week nights and he only has them 50%. OP and he go out together on weekends.

OP says she feels like he never wants to be home. If she’s got the message, his kids will have too.

Teens go off and do their own thing but they still spend time with their parents, even if it’s just meal times, watching films, or engaging in a sport/interest together. There’s still so much parenting to be done in those years.

I had friends as teenagers whose parents fucked off out, and they’re not stupid they know the parent cba. It’s not that they can’t cope alone, it’s just it would be nice to have an engaged parent.

Because she’s home he can fuck off out without thinking who’s going to cook for them or help with homework etc, or any adult interaction.

They're 15 and 17 years old. They can cook for themselves and do their homework without someone standing over them every night. OP says he's normally home by 9pm anyway so that's at least 2-3 hours they can spend together if they like before bed anyway.

This week he was out Monday, Tues, Wed, was supposed to be out Thurs but it was cancelled and they’re going out together Friday.

This week is a one-off because of a leaving do. Three nights to do your own thing as a parent of older teens is pretty normal to me.

OP can go out if she wants to but he’s still treating his kids like he’s treating her.

Well, then she can leave if she's not happy, but there's nothing in any of her posts that suggests the children are unhappy with the arrangement. She's complaining because he doesn't want to stay home with her.