Fiance and compromise

[feghs324]

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

As a one off, it's normally 1 night pub, 2 nights football. That's no bachelor life! That's a man exercising.

You like to be at home in the week but what does that “being” look like? Is it really “quality time”? Do you suggest doing things together or are you just putzing on the sofa? My ex used to like being at home in the evenings and wanted me to be there with him; but all he wanted to do during those evenings was watch rubbish on TV and scroll on his phone. I didn’t see much point in being at home since we weren’t actively spending quality time together and often resented him expecting me to be there rather than out with friends or at the gym or an event.

Calling you a lunatic really isn’t on, however.

@Naameechangee he's out until 11 one night and 9.30 on the other night when he's 'exercising'.

That's not exercising, that's going out with your mates.

Why are you with him?

He got lucky when he met you, didn't he? Someone prepared to look after his children for him when he couldn't be bothered, someone happy to stay home in the evenings and tidy up and cook while he was out doing his own thing. Housekeeping, childcare and sex life sorted: bingo.

Are you renting or buying together? If buying, whose name is on the deeds? He's chosen you because you fulfilled his lifestyle needs (see above). Are you also making life easier for him financially?

What do you get out of this relationship, OP? Is it really enough for the rest of your life?

@Clymene he goes to football. He's with OP 4 nights a week, he's not with her 3 nights a week. 2 of my family members play football midweek, they don't kick of til 7 or 8pm and get home late. They are playing football. I go and watch them with my own eyeballs sometimes. They are playing football.

These people are just not compatible. OP wants to stay in every night, as she has said, DP wants to have a little bit of a life outside of the house. Both are OK, neither should try to control each other. They are OBVIOUSLY not compatible.

I honestly don’t think two nights a week of sport and one night with friends is a lot. Just because you chose to do less doesn’t make it wrong, it maybe means you need to find somebody that likes to do less socialising and exercise.

But that aside what stood out to me is that you are 36, haven’t had chance to have your own children yet but seem to be default parent to teenagers when he is not around. And the controlling, it is weird that you seem to accept his partner was controlling and yet you think it is unjustified in your case. You know she probably wasn’t controlling either and it is just his get out clause for both of you.

I would ditch, find somebody closer to your own age, preferably one without teenagers. I can’t imagine wanting to take on teenagers when I was 36.

If this isn’t that usual and because of the age of the boys i’d say you maybe are being a bit much. I assume he’d go put if you weren’t there since his teens are of course old enough to be left at home while he does football etc.

I just think if you live together and everything else is equal with housework then if there is a week where it’s heavier on the socialising for him what’s the problem really? Just because you prefer to be in most weeknights how come he has to align with that?

It would be different if the kids were younger or you had any shared kids that were younger.

He's not wrong, you're not wrong. Trying to control each other is wrong. You can't make him be like you, he can't make you be like him. You either work together or you don't.

I just want to add that I'm not a homebody/antisocial and I don't want to stay in every night. I'm talking about mid-week here (Monday-Thurs), and these are the nights that OH is out playing football or out with his mates 2-3 times. I love going out with him/my friends at the weekend and as I said probably one from Mon-Thurs.

I'm separating it from weekends as we generally go out together then, and he goes to watch a football game on Sundays quite often. I'm not saying I think he should be at home 5 nights a week at all, all I would really like it from Monday-Thurs for him to ideally be home at least one of those nights, or two if we have his children.

I also like him to exercise, and he goes to the gym most days so football is not his only exercise.

And take the "kids" out of the equation, they are plenty old enough to do their own thing and look after themselves.

his ex was very controlling

Or, like you, she was pissed off with being left at home to run the house and children, while he swanned about like he was a teenager living with his mother (but with the added bonus of sex when he wants it)?

Still, the good thing is that you are not married to him, so you have the ability to easily choose to leave him and find a better partner. Imagining you can change him would be the folly.

I think 3 nights out a week when you have two teenage children is a lot.

It's not just the OP.

The thing is it’s fine to have a disagreement and want something different. But it’s the way you talk to each other that’s where a problem can lie.

My ex was like this. As soon as you say what you want, he shuts you down and then immediate attacks your behaviour. It’s just a tactic to make you go away so he can do what he likes. “You’re Controlling, nagging, just like my ex wife,” they don’t even believe it themselves, but here you are wondering if it’s you.

Its not, it’s him.

He won't change, it is good that you have seen this side of him before you are married.
What was your social life like before you moved in together (what are the arrangements - did you move in with him? Did you get a new place together?). Did you just date at weekends & he was playing football and seeing his mates in the week?
Are you listening to the advice on this thread? You are clearly not compatible so stop living together.

Sorry I shouldn't have said his ex wife was very controlling as I obviously didn't know their relationship, I meant he said she is controlling. However she is a very difficult person and very hard to co-parent with and always starting fights with my OH that aren't his fault. Foer example for years after they broke up and when we first started dating she only had the kids 1-2 nights max a week, and if we ever asked her to help out one more night she would lose her shit, tell him he was a terrible parent etc when he was doing the brunt of the childcare.

He has said before he feels like he missed out on his 20s/30s because of this and I also know that's why he feels he has to make it up now.

His kids are older, he's allowed to enjoy some time outside of the house. I think you shouldn't be together. How can it work when he's doing nothing wrong, and you're not wrong for wanting nights in. You are too different.

and yes I am listening to the advice on the thread and I really appreciate it all. I'm obviously not going to end my relationship this second because of it but it is definitely giving me things to think about (both my behaviour and his).

You are only 36. You have plenty of time to find a partner who is nearer your own age and maybe is not an old fashioned selfish ( insert preferred definition here) .

In five years time , he will be fifty, and his midlife crisis will be storming. Get out now.

What’s good about staying with a man who refuses to communicate like an adult and prefers ranting that you’re controlling and a lunatic?

Do you enjoy being spoken to like that? Do you think it’s fair or reasonable? Do you speak to others like that?

Yes, you just sound incompatible (though I agree that his responses make him sound angry and unpleasant) -- but on the issue of going out or staying in, no one is wrong. I go out at night way more than my other half, because I want to. I wouldn't be interested in a relationship that tried to limit me to two nights out with other people a week.

Are you a parent of teenagers? I'm asking because while you don't have to supervise them, they do need parenting.

There's a lot of anxiety around exams, school, friends, drugs, alcohol, sex etc etc for most teens.

I find I have to engage more with them at this age than I did when they were younger.

I’m a homebody and Dh and I like to spend the majority of our evenings on the couch together watching Tv and chatting. Boring to some people but he’s my best friend and it’s heaven to me. I couldn’t be in a relationship at my age (thirties) that involved someone being out most eve rings, nothing wrong with that but it’s not for me.

You want different things.

Also he’s a nasty, unkind cretin who talks to you like dirt. No one who loves, likes or respects you would speak to you like that.

Find a partner who is your best friend and treats you as such. This man isn’t it.

@Clymene I have 2 teenagers. OP shouldn't have to feel like she has to do all kinds for them, they are quite self sufficient at that age. She said herself they eat and then go off and do their own thing. Mine do too. He sees his kids, he's just not there every single night all night, nor does he need to be.

He sees his kids for 8 evenings a month.

Dad of the year!