Fiance and compromise

[feghs324]

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

They can cook for themselves but with heavy workloads for GCSE and A levels why should they have to on a regular basis? (I bet it’s OP who cooks anyway).

What teens don’t have homework and have 9-midnight spare every night?

History doesn’t relate what the teens think of this. I wouldn’t be happy being left home alone with someone else’s sons particularly a middle aged man whose life revolves around football. I think OP is right there.

They can cook for themselves but with heavy workloads for GCSE and A levels why should they have to on a regular basis? (I bet it’s OP who cooks anyway).

It's not on a regular basis - it's 3-4 days a fortnight at the most. I was expected to cook meals regularly at those ages even when my parents were home.

What teens don’t have homework and have 9-midnight spare every night?

School finishes at three - since when did homework take 6+ hours a night?

History doesn’t relate what the teens think of this. I wouldn’t be happy being left home alone with someone else’s sons particularly a middle aged man whose life revolves around football. I think OP is right there.

Then she's free to move back out again if she's not happy. But let's not pretend she's being forced to parent his teenagers - she can go out and do her own thing if she wants - it's not her partners fault she prefers to stay at home.

If you read her post properly - OP very clearly says he’s normally out 3 nights a week during the week and then he and she go out together at the weekend.

Whatever suboptimal parenting you experienced is not relevant.

State schools finish at 3, private schools at 4, then you have after school activities and the journey home.

She’s not being forced to parent, she’s been left as the parent in situ by default.

It’s fine if you have low expectations of men, parenting and life in general, but OP is young and this doesn’t need to be her life.

She could be going out to the theatre, cinema, ballet, restaurants, lectures, ballroom dancing, salsa clubs, dinner parties with friends etc. Her life does not need to revolve around this dull man, his mates and his footie.

So why is she letting her life revolve around him? She can clearly go and do all of those things whenever she wants, but says she wants to stay in Mon to Thur.

That’s ok if she doesn’t want to go out during the week, I just think she needs to find someone more interesting who actually wants to spend time with her.

They are clearly not compatible. He might also want someone more interesting to spend his time with.....

Nice. Are you the fiancé? He could always go fuck a football… 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe he just doesn't want them to be living in each others pockets?

He's not wrong to want to spend time apart - it doesn't mean he's interested in her or that he doesn't care about her.

Personally I would find it incredibly claustrophobic if DH expected me home a set number of evenings a week so we could "spend time together".

Start your own thread then, this one is about OP’s relationship and what she wants.

Yeah I know, but that still doesn’t mean he’s home 4 nights a week as some are claiming.

@Naunet I think the point people are making is that he is with OP 4 nights a week and she's complaining its not enough. He also sees his kids as listed above. He's being begrudged his time out at football for no other reason than OP wanting him home because she doesn't like to go out midweek. That's the top and bottom of it.

Not necessary thanks - I'm very happy in my marriage as my husband respects my need for space.

OP asked for opinions, people are allowed to disagree with her.

Thanks for everyone's replies and I take them all on board. We still aren't really talking - we were both working yesterday then OH went to pick his son up from the airport (the 17 year old has been away, he isn't at school anymore, he works full time) and then he went to football and was back at 11 when I was in bed - but we'll chat later.

I'm now only pissed off with the way he spoke to me and want an apology for that.

I agree I shouldn't give set days for him to be in and that's not what I meant at all. I regret saying that as I know that's where his anger is coming from now. All I really meant was in the week (Mon-Thur) when we have his kids I personally think he should be in half that time to see to their dinner, chat them them etc. This week he has barely seen his younger son at all and I feel bad for him. But he's not always like that - as I said it's a busy week but it was just annyoying me so we ended up in a fight. What also pisses me off is when it comes time for the kids to go to their mums OH moans about feeling guilty he's barely seen them when it's his bloody fault.

He doesn't use me as childcare - I'm free to come and go as I please and if he is out when we have his kids he doesn't expect me to look after them. But obviously if I am home and he's not I will be cooking dinner for everyone so I am looking after them in that way.
And I'm currently planning nights out with friends in the next few weeks.

Anyway let's see what happens when we chat later. He's frosty (as am I) but I hope we can just have an adult conversation.

Well when I say he doesn't use me for childcare, I am going to bring up the fact that if I wasn't here he wouldn't be able to go out as much as he does. This week for example he wouldn't have been out four nights in a row and leaving his kids to fend for themselves if I wasn't around so to that point he is only able to do it as he knows I am at home.

Part of his apology for being verbally abusive towards you needs to be him promising not to speak to you that way again. Do you think he’s prepared to be a bit kinder to you? Will you end the relationship if there is any further abuse?

Yes I agree, it's not something I am planning on putting up with and I'll make it very clear.

It sounds like you will both sort it out and have an adult discussion together. There's been wrong on both sides, you admit that and I'm sure he will see his wrong doing too. People say stupid shit in anger. I'm sure you'll find the compromise that works for you both, as it does sound like you otherwise have a good relationship.

OP,

Be very wary of your low bar, it will be something you will regret.

4 nights this week he has used you to be there for his child and yet YOU are the controlling one, just like his crazy ex.

You have bought a house and moved far away for an abusive nasty man who thinks you are a mug, and that he can speak to you like dirt on his shoe.

I sense you feel you have invested too much to leave.

Sadly if that is the case, I have absolutely no doubt you will live to bitterly regret your decision to stick with it.

He's not a good man, he's a nasty selfish one.

Good luck though.

What also pisses me off is when it comes time for the kids to go to their mums OH moans about feeling guilty he's barely seen them when it's his bloody fault.

What do you say when he says this? When you speak to him I would remind him that he moans about this, it shows that he knows that he's not actually being reasonable.

I agree with @billy1966

What would you say to a friend if she was in your situation? I usually find that helps me with my own standards and to work out if I am being fair.

Agree. It's likely to be why his ex left him. Imagine him never being there when you have young kids.

This is an excellent strategy in life in general.

Also.....
Someone asks you for a possibly CF favour and you are unsure how to respond?..............🤔would I ask them to do this for me🤔...Nope?.............then its a No from me.

Great! Pack his bag for him and off he goes!