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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fiance and compromise

223 replies

feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:15

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 01/02/2023 10:42

I don’t like the way he’s talking to you at all. But I do still think neither of you are wrong per se in terms of the socialising during the week. You’re happy with the weekend set up because it’s how you like your social life to be. Less happy during the week as you want him to align with you more there. Does seem a bit controlling tbh.

Id be really annoyed at this stage of life with older teen kids to have to negotiate my social life in this way - particularly given weekends are fine as it suits the other person. He’s 45, already had one long restrictive marriage and the restrictions that child rearing brings. Now as that is ending you want more restrictions on him for what appears to be no good reason other than your desire for the set up to suit you.

I wouldn’t like that at all myself. Sorry i’m with him on this.

StaceySolomonSwash · 01/02/2023 10:42

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He says his ex was very controlling

PartingGift · 01/02/2023 10:45

You sound incompatible and unable to communicate properly. The way he talks to you doesn't sound great, and actually sounds a bit controlling/potentially gaslighting. But then again asking him to stay in more does also sound controlling.

Mirabai · 01/02/2023 10:47

He doesn’t sound interested in either you or his kids.

Just because they are teens doesn’t mean they wouldn’t enjoy and couldn’t benefit from interaction with their dad - he just makes no effort at all.

If he is, as he says, making up for his 20s and 30s (an odd way of looking at getting married and having kids but ok) - then why not be single - then he can do as he pleases.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 01/02/2023 10:49

Dacadactyl · 01/02/2023 09:17

All this bullshit is why he ended up divorced in the first place.

Imagine having 2 kids to deal with and having him act like this. The ex got out for a good reason and so should you.

I was going to write a reply but this says everything I was thinking.

I really disagree that it's "needy" to want your partner to spend time at home & not leave OP as default childcare for children that aren't hers.

OP I'm afraid your partner is a selfish shit.

Mulefathethird · 01/02/2023 10:49

He shouldn't be having his kids 50:50 if he leaves them with you ( unless his ex needs it for work)

mrsh1807 · 01/02/2023 10:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2023 09:20

When does he see his kids if he’s out this much in the evenings and presumably working during the day? Are you doing all his parenting when they’re over half the week?

That aside, he’s verbally abusive, clearly will never compromise, uses his ex to beat you with, doesn’t want to spend time with you and isn’t worthy of you at all.

Time to move on.

This. Are you just his live-in child care? Not that they need care as such at their ages, but surely he should be spending time with them too?

FuelledbyCaffeine11 · 01/02/2023 10:52

Been there fine that. Now and ex for a reason!

this will be the rest of your life… it’s up to you whether you accept it.

MummyJ36 · 01/02/2023 10:53

lol he didn’t “miss out” on his 20s and 30s he decided to have two kids! I swear this attitude grinds my gears so much. If you have kids in your 20s/30s it means you get to be independent when they’re adults and don’t need you so much anymore. You literally cannot have your cake and eat it.

CockSpadget · 01/02/2023 10:54

He’s not in the wrong for going out and playing football/seeing his mates a few nights a week, but the way he is speaking to you is definitely not acceptable. There is no way I’d put up with being spoken to like that, I have more respect for myself. Do the boys hear him talk to you that way? I hope not, as they are at a very impressionable age and may think it’s ok for them to treat their partners the same.

UdoU · 01/02/2023 10:55

As a bare minimum he should be home for the evenings he has his kids.

It’s not your job to cook for them and be n the house for them whilst he swans off.

Cordeliathecat · 01/02/2023 10:57

My husband is like this and always has been. He’s very sociable and hates staying at home. He’s always on the go. But, he’d be happy for me to tag along with him or make plans with him every night of the week, as long as he didn’t stay home!
I think giving him rules about how many evenings he’s allowed to go out is very controlling. Why should he just stay at home because you want to? If it’s about you wanting to spend more time with him, can’t you make plans to do things together every week outside the home?

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 01/02/2023 11:02

I don't actually think two evenings of sport plus a night at the pub is a big deal when you have teenagers.

You still have the majority of his time plus weekends and the time his sons are with his ex.

If he was home more, would you actually be spending quality time together or would just be watching TV and messing about on your phones?

Nuisanc · 01/02/2023 11:03

The answers in this post just show how some couples work and some don't.

Both partners like to stay home = works
Both partners like to be out a lot = works
Both partners like the opposite thing = doesn't work.

No ones right or wrong, it just doesn't work.

Wowsersreally · 01/02/2023 11:14

I like my own company and am a home body, I would prefer a DP that was out more often than not, as long as we had a couple of evenings together that would suit me perfectly.

it does sound like a comparability issue OP

Moonlightsonatas · 01/02/2023 11:17

Sounds like he has it all, someone to do all the life admin and look after his kids while he gets to do what he wants. Don’t marry him.

NeedToChangeName · 01/02/2023 11:17

Nuisanc · 01/02/2023 11:03

The answers in this post just show how some couples work and some don't.

Both partners like to stay home = works
Both partners like to be out a lot = works
Both partners like the opposite thing = doesn't work.

No ones right or wrong, it just doesn't work.

@Nuisanc "Both partners like the opposite thing" can work, if both sides are content to respect the other's preferences

I socialise more than my DH does, but we're both OK with that. He likes to stay home sometimes on his own. I sometimes like to go out with other friends & family

thisplaceisweird · 01/02/2023 11:19

You said it 10 words into your first post.. I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say so why are you with him?

FromMyKitchen21 · 01/02/2023 11:21

Do the teens not have hobbies? I’m out most evenings but dropping them places. Most dads I know who are into football get involved with their kids sport. My OH uses that language to me too sadly. It’s horrible.

eyope · 01/02/2023 11:23

He has said before he feels like he missed out on his 20s/30s because of this and I also know that's why he feels he has to make it up now.

Interesting isn't it, that he doesn't actually want to be a single man, while he makes up for it. Still wants a faux mum for his kids, shared household with home cooked meals most nights, sex on tap.

He's out:

2 nights a week for football and not home till past dinner
1 night with friends
Few nights in the gym
Sunday football game

And then compares you to his ex wife by saying you're controlling like she was. Does he take any responsibility for his role his the marriage breakdown, or is it all blaming her? Good indicator of how he'll treat you.

Also I can guarantee that if YOU were the one out for sport a few nights a week, then out for drinks with the girls and went to watch football - and left him to do his own cooking when back, and looking after his kids - he would kick off.

Men like this will NEVER choose a woman who's equally sporty and socially active because that would mean they don't get to dictate how family time is spent, and her hobbies too will take priority.

If he wants to make up for his single years, then let him stay single. You need to consider whether this is what you want, and also how involved a dad he'll be if you do want kids. Seems like he's saying that his days of being a family man are past him.

Gawpygertie · 01/02/2023 11:25

You’re not a partner are you?
You're there for sex and company when it suits him.
He’s living a bachelor life.

Don’t marry him yet and definitely don’t get pregnant.

ivykaty44 · 01/02/2023 11:27

his ex was very controlling

how do you know? did he tell you or did you witness it?

Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:28

Both kids usually go to the gym and are back around 7pm. We live in London so they are generally self sufficient getting to and from places.

Just another thing to add, I had to move to the opposite side of London when me and DP bought our place together (I had no choice because of his children) so for me to go out with friends in the week it's atleast a 45 min journey each way, multiple tubes etc, which is why tbh I can't be bothered. I WFH so it's not like I'm already in town and can go straight from work.

We live where OH grew up so his friends are a lot closer/a taxi or drive away, so for him it is a lot easier to go out. I guess I'm a bit resentful too that I can't just go out and meet my friends as easily as he can.

As to why I am with him, I am the first person to admit he has his faults and the way he talks to me when we argue (it's not all the time) is not on. His way of dealing with things is to attack and switch off, and I can't stand it. However he is good in a lot of ways. He workds hard, is 50/50 with housework, he isn't tight with money and we do get nice date nights, and in general he is caring and attentive. But this one personality trait really does drive a wedge between us and, when it happens, makes me question things.

OP posts:
whomoon · 01/02/2023 11:29

for me, it’s all about respect and communication. You both have different expectations of how to spend your free time, and one shouldn’t dictate their own preference to the other.

my partner and I work really well with each other. His previous long term relationship was strained and his ex would always check where he was, when he was coming home etc.
I on the other hand love my independence. We’re both adults. He can choose to do as he pleases, as will I. I love being in and he loves going out, so unless we have pre-made plans, he goes out a lot. My reaction is always ‘brilliant, have a great time!’ And then when he comes home, I’m excited to see him and look forward to hearing what he’s got up to.

I’m sure on his part, he then looks forward to coming home because he knows he won’t get the third degree, or rules laid down on when he can go out next, but a happy partner who supports him and loves him.

Respect and communication. It goes a long way!

Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:30

his ex was very controlling
how do you know? did he tell you or did you witness it?

Sorry I answered this saying I shouldn't have said that as I didn't witness it, but I have witnessed her behaviour since we have been together and she is very hard work and very difficult to co-parent with. For the record she had an affair and left OH and the kids for this guy. It has only recently been 50/50 custody. Before that OH had the kids 5/6 nights a week.

OP posts: