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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiance and compromise

223 replies

feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:15

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

OP posts:
Talia99 · 01/02/2023 13:35

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 09:37

Because he wants to play football twice and drinks out once? So 3 nights a week out of 7 he wants to do his own thing, and that makes him sound like a teenager?

Show quote history

Surely it’s not the socialising (which is up to the individual couple), it’s the verbal abuse (calling her a ‘controlling lunatic’) when she suggests it’s not working for her?

RealBecca · 01/02/2023 13:36

Men often use "controlling" as a way to shut down a woman expressing dissatisfaction.

BadNomad · 01/02/2023 13:37

I don't think there is anything wrong with having an active social life. I know you had to move to be with him, but you knew what this would mean for your social life, and you still made that choice, so it's not his fault that your friends are too far away to go out. IMO, neither of you is wrong. You're just not compatible. You feel abandoned(?), lonely(?) when he goes out. He feels stifled and restricted when made to stay in. There isn't really a compromise that will satisfy both. Someone will always feel resentment.

Cometcamellia · 01/02/2023 13:42

Well he doesn't want to be put in a position having to turn down an invite to spend an evening staying in. Time enough when he is retired and less able. Let him parent the kids and go out together.

beAsensible1 · 01/02/2023 13:43

FKATondelayo · 01/02/2023 13:29

I don't think this relationship is a goer. It doesn't matter how many PPs think his level of socialising is OK, it only matters what you think. I speak as someone whose partner works away from home in the week and quite likes having evenings to myself.

The way he talks to you is a big red flag as well.

Not really on topic but it's odd that in my 5 decades on this earth I know of only 2 women who became estranged from their children and the dad to be the main parent. 99% of single parents I know are women. But on MN it seems ex-wives are always running off and having affairs and abandoning their children.

right. I know exactly 1 person who has done this. But its regular on MN and always heard 2nd hand....

BigFeelingsMoment · 01/02/2023 13:44

all I would really like it from Monday-Thurs for him to ideally be home at least one of those nights, or two if we have his children

**

sjxoxo · 01/02/2023 13:45

Agree you’ve seen why he is divorced and what his ex was dealing with. If he doesn’t want to be at home and he’s not budging, he’s telling you very clearly what he wants. Your relationship works well for him because you’re there when he wants… he sounds very selfish and I’d be cautious if I were you and rethink your long term plans. He won’t change and you’ll forever feel like he is running away whilst simultaneously telling you you’re a nag if you bring it up. That’s not a team or a partnership xx

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 13:46

Tbh op I know you've been together a while, but it doesn't sound like he's ready for a relationship. Maybe not having the kids full time has triggered something, or the kids being more dependent, but he's clearly not over the break up. I don't mean he loves her, but emotionally he hasn't recovered from the way he controlling abuse if he perceives yo u wanting to spend time and a couple as you being a controlling lunatic.

He needs therapy to work through it

ZenNudist · 01/02/2023 13:50

Do you need to get married? I'd keep my options open if I were you. He doesn't sound like a keeper...

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 13:54

Talia99 · 01/02/2023 13:35

Surely it’s not the socialising (which is up to the individual couple), it’s the verbal abuse (calling her a ‘controlling lunatic’) when she suggests it’s not working for her?

Show quote history

Is it verbal abuse if she's being a controlling lunatic? If she's actually being a controlling lunatic then he is the one being verbally and emotionally abused? We don't know this, we didn't hear their conversations. Did she say hey DP I'd love you to stay in more and he said you controlling lunatic. Or did she say DP I'm fucking sick of this you're never in I want you home 5 nights a week.....hence we don't know who is in the right over the comments made. If someone was being a controlling lunatic to me, I'd call them on it. If I called them it and they were not being controlling at all, then I would be the one in the wrong.

AlisonDonut · 01/02/2023 13:56

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 13:54

Is it verbal abuse if she's being a controlling lunatic? If she's actually being a controlling lunatic then he is the one being verbally and emotionally abused? We don't know this, we didn't hear their conversations. Did she say hey DP I'd love you to stay in more and he said you controlling lunatic. Or did she say DP I'm fucking sick of this you're never in I want you home 5 nights a week.....hence we don't know who is in the right over the comments made. If someone was being a controlling lunatic to me, I'd call them on it. If I called them it and they were not being controlling at all, then I would be the one in the wrong.

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I think if a man who uses his new girlfriend as a nanny and refuses to be in, and then turns on her calling her a controlling lunatic when she is the one that is looking after his kids, then yes he is the one in the wrong here. He is the one controlling what she does by leaving his kids with her day after day.

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 14:01

AlisonDonut · 01/02/2023 13:56

I think if a man who uses his new girlfriend as a nanny and refuses to be in, and then turns on her calling her a controlling lunatic when she is the one that is looking after his kids, then yes he is the one in the wrong here. He is the one controlling what she does by leaving his kids with her day after day.

Show quote history

Hes home 4 nights a week, his kids don't need babysitting the OP is choosing to do that. She wants to be home every night midweek, that's up to her. He wants to exercise twice a week and meet friends once a week, that's up to him. No one is forcing the woman to be home with his virtually grown up kids...

Hes not in the wrong, they are just not compatible as a couple.

DeadTing · 01/02/2023 14:03

AlisonDonut · 01/02/2023 13:56

I think if a man who uses his new girlfriend as a nanny and refuses to be in, and then turns on her calling her a controlling lunatic when she is the one that is looking after his kids, then yes he is the one in the wrong here. He is the one controlling what she does by leaving his kids with her day after day.

Show quote history

Day after day? You mean every other week for 3 evenings. The kids, by the way, could be on their own on those evenings, they are plenty old enough.

samqueens · 01/02/2023 14:04

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 13:29

Nonsense. I had kids in my 30s, never felt like I was missing out on life and don't worry 3 primary and below agreed kids in my 40s. I've had a holiday alone (4 nights), have a uni course booked (3 nights), do volunteering that involves 4 weekends away a year, I see my friends, I have time to myself. As does DH.

Show quote history

I hear you and that all sounds great - hats off to you. However, you have an ‘H’ and so your situation, on this front, is just not comparable to that of a single parent.

Single parenting does usually require you to ‘give up’ your social life to a greater or lesser degree.

I don’t feel that way personally, because I accept the responsibilities that come with parenthood. OPs partner doesn’t accept responsibility for much (it seems) and blaming his ex/children for a period of having a reduced social life is absurd and extremely selfish.

Everanewbie · 01/02/2023 14:09

I don't think his typical week is too out there to be honest, unless he rolls in drunk at gone midnight every time.

If you want this to work long term you need to sit down together and discuss what you both want and how you can both be happy. Also, the leaving do at short notice means that this isn't really a typical week, so bear that in mind.

What he called you wasn't nice, but things get flung about when tempers are raised. If you explained to him that you feel neglected and lonely and his retort was "controlling lunatic" then he is being horrible. But if it was a shouting match and maybe chipped in with a few of your own, its a very different kettle of fish. Not that this is you OP, but in an argument people often remember things said which in isolation sound dreadful but conveniently forget their own part.

You said that the relationship is great in other ways. It sounds to me like it is worth working on with compromise and discussion. Have dates, maybe a film night at home where one of cooks a nice meal.

DemonHost · 01/02/2023 14:15

Clearly you are ill-matched, over time he will want to spend more nights out and you are clearly not his priority. You should leave, it’s his loss.

Twaat · 01/02/2023 14:24

His typical week looks fine, his kids are older. You are choosing to be home, he is not. Over 50% of the evenings are spent with you, but you want more. That's ok. But he doesn't want more. That's ok.

RampantIvy · 01/02/2023 14:25

He tells you his ex was controlling. He tells you that you are controlling.

The common denominator is him. He is a gaslighting arsehole who just deflects any criticism back to his current partner.

DO NOT MARRY HIM

Twaat · 01/02/2023 14:27

His ex is controlling, OP says she's a nightmare. Just because he's had someone controlling doesn't mean that OP can't possibly be trying to control him.

Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 15:41

Because he wants to play football twice and drinks out once? So 3 nights a week out of 7 he wants to do his own thing, and that makes him sound like a teenager?

I agree.

3/7 is fine and I do think it is controlling to have an issue with this.

Unless OP isn’t allowed out or is expected to look after his kids then it’s wrong to expect your adult partner to be treated like a child and only go out when they say it’s ok.

thaisweetchill · 01/02/2023 16:07

Sorry but he won't change. If you don't like this behaviour then I'd get out.

Clymene · 01/02/2023 16:26

I'm not sure why people have such a lack of reading comprehension. He's out three out four weeknights when his kids are staying.

Honestly they may as well be with their mum. What's the point in their hauling their arses and all their stuff over to their dad's when he can't even be arsed to make time for them.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 01/02/2023 16:35

Clymene · 01/02/2023 16:26

I'm not sure why people have such a lack of reading comprehension. He's out three out four weeknights when his kids are staying.

Honestly they may as well be with their mum. What's the point in their hauling their arses and all their stuff over to their dad's when he can't even be arsed to make time for them.

People have read the thread - they just have a different opinion to you.

His children are there 50/50 (so one week, one week off). He's with them four nights a week, does sports twice (back by 9pm) and goes to the pub once. It all sounds very normal to me.

Clymene · 01/02/2023 16:55

He's out with the OP on Fridays. His kids are probably out with their mates on Saturdays so he gets 2 evenings with them on the weeks he has them.

Not normal for any parents of teenagers I know. But we like our children Smile

Mitzii · 01/02/2023 16:56

Clymene · 01/02/2023 16:26

I'm not sure why people have such a lack of reading comprehension. He's out three out four weeknights when his kids are staying.

Honestly they may as well be with their mum. What's the point in their hauling their arses and all their stuff over to their dad's when he can't even be arsed to make time for them.

People have read the thread. Why shouldn't he exercise twice a week because his grown up (virtually) kids are there, who eat and go off and do their own thing like 99% of teenagers do. This is not at all about his kids, this is about OP wanting him home 5 nights a week to be with her. Neither are wrong, they are just wrong together.