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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiance and compromise

223 replies

feghs324 · 01/02/2023 09:15

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:31

Also I don't want kids of my own so we won't be having any together

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 01/02/2023 11:33

Personally anyone calling me a controlling lunatic whilst I was at home looking after his kids whilst he gads about wouldn't be calling me anything after that, I'd be gone.

But hey ho. You know what he is like so it's your choice whether to tie yourself to him for life or not.

whomoon · 01/02/2023 11:33

feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:28

Both kids usually go to the gym and are back around 7pm. We live in London so they are generally self sufficient getting to and from places.

Just another thing to add, I had to move to the opposite side of London when me and DP bought our place together (I had no choice because of his children) so for me to go out with friends in the week it's atleast a 45 min journey each way, multiple tubes etc, which is why tbh I can't be bothered. I WFH so it's not like I'm already in town and can go straight from work.

We live where OH grew up so his friends are a lot closer/a taxi or drive away, so for him it is a lot easier to go out. I guess I'm a bit resentful too that I can't just go out and meet my friends as easily as he can.

As to why I am with him, I am the first person to admit he has his faults and the way he talks to me when we argue (it's not all the time) is not on. His way of dealing with things is to attack and switch off, and I can't stand it. However he is good in a lot of ways. He workds hard, is 50/50 with housework, he isn't tight with money and we do get nice date nights, and in general he is caring and attentive. But this one personality trait really does drive a wedge between us and, when it happens, makes me question things.

I chose my partner for his personality traits, and being disrespectful, verbally attacking and switching off from finding a resolution when arguing, (even arguing at all!) would trump the fact he helps out with the housework.
I would happily do 100% of the housework if it meant not having the above personality traits. After all, you have to live with this person for the rest of your life. Why would you put up with that?

eyope · 01/02/2023 11:39

However he is good in a lot of ways. He works hard, is 50/50 with housework, he isn't tight with money and we do get nice date nights, and in general he is caring and attentive

Is this really enough to justify 40+ years of life together? Do you have any shared hobbies, interests you do together other than occasional date nights? Does he actually enjoy your company and want to build a life with you - or have you been chosen because you just slot quietly into his existing life?

Guessing kids are not a consideration as you haven't mentioned it (and I can't imagine he's up for doing it again given his penchant for commitment free life). But I can't see him even wanting to spend his retirement with you, and I suspect the older he gets, once the kids move out, and you're married - he will spend even more time out of the house. Because none of his hobbies or friendships include you.

I'm very active and social too - but I enjoy doing these things with my DP, as well as with friends. Relationships with this sort of disparity often get worse towards retirement because you grow in completely different ways with your different experiences. And what worked at 35 is just two strangers at 55.

I think you should consider why you are with him and whether you can see a happy future of the kind YOU want.

whomoon · 01/02/2023 11:42

eyope · 01/02/2023 11:39

However he is good in a lot of ways. He works hard, is 50/50 with housework, he isn't tight with money and we do get nice date nights, and in general he is caring and attentive

Is this really enough to justify 40+ years of life together? Do you have any shared hobbies, interests you do together other than occasional date nights? Does he actually enjoy your company and want to build a life with you - or have you been chosen because you just slot quietly into his existing life?

Guessing kids are not a consideration as you haven't mentioned it (and I can't imagine he's up for doing it again given his penchant for commitment free life). But I can't see him even wanting to spend his retirement with you, and I suspect the older he gets, once the kids move out, and you're married - he will spend even more time out of the house. Because none of his hobbies or friendships include you.

I'm very active and social too - but I enjoy doing these things with my DP, as well as with friends. Relationships with this sort of disparity often get worse towards retirement because you grow in completely different ways with your different experiences. And what worked at 35 is just two strangers at 55.

I think you should consider why you are with him and whether you can see a happy future of the kind YOU want.

This. This. This.
well said.

LadyLapsang · 01/02/2023 11:45

So, if you went out on the same nights as your DP, who is with the fifteen year old and cooking dinner? Do you just leave them to their own devices?

Sandra1984 · 01/02/2023 11:46

ilovelamp82 · 01/02/2023 09:25

This is why he is divorced. His ex got fed up of it. He would call her controlling to get her to stop 'nagging'. And now he's doing the same with you. Were you planning on having kids with him? This has disaster written all over it. There's is nothing more relationship destroying than a man who leaves you with all the child rearing while he continues with his social life. And then calls you names so you doubt yourself to boot. Cut your losses. He doesn't care to even listen. He won't change. The way he speaks about his ex will be the way he speaks about you.

This. With bells.

Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:48

We do have mutual friends who we go out with together and we do have shared interests - we both love to travel, we take nice trips together, it's not all bad honestly.

But yes this is a big problem. He has told me that as he gets older he feels like he is starting to relax and settle more but to be honest his actions don't match his words.

A big issue of this is he's very insecure in his friendships, he's told me this before. He lived abroad for ten years so didn't see his friends as much whereas their circle just got closer. He feels he was pushed out, so now whenever he is asked to do something he jumps at the chance. Even if he had been out all week, if he had a last minute offer he would go as he is scared of missing out. I know this makes him sound like a teenager but that's exactly how he acts a lot of the time.

I obviously love him having friends, I'm not that woman. I can see his friendship circles are strong - we are all going on holiday together over the summer, his friends and their wives and kids for example. But he can't see this.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/02/2023 11:48

(I had no choice because of his children)

Of course you had a choice. You chose to make the sacrifice and I think it's blown up in your face.

I agree with so many of the PPs on here. You're being taken for a fool but at least you've found out before you married the twat.

Whydidimarryhim · 01/02/2023 11:49

What a gem!!! Get him to see to his own children. Start going out more - his poor children - I wonder what they think. Do they see their mother? If not why not - did he screw her over.
Hes not on talking to like this.

Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:49

So, if you went out on the same nights as your DP, who is with the fifteen year old and cooking dinner? Do you just leave them to their own devices?

Yes. OH will make sure there is food in the house but generally left to them to put it in the oven etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:51

Do they see their mother? If not why not - did he screw her over.

They spend one week at ours and one week at their mothers. The mother left OH and the kids for another man when they were about 11/13 so until about a year ago OH was bringing them up on her own and they saw her once a week as she was too busy with her new husband. Now she steps up when needed thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
feghs324 · 01/02/2023 11:53

Of course you had a choice. You chose to make the sacrifice and I think it's blown up in your face.

Yes this is true I did have a choice, but I wanted to live with my partner and in that respect I didn't have a choice as to where that was. It had to be close to the children's school.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/02/2023 11:54

Yes. OH will make sure there is food in the house but generally left to them to put it in the oven etc.

In my experience (DD 16) teenagers actually like having their parents around in the background, maybe to have a quick chat to, to catch up with whilst eating dinner. I actually think your DP is skimping on the parenting or rather he's dumping it on you.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 11:56

Kindly meant but my goodness you have a really low bar that screams absolute desperation to be with a man.

He's a nasty asshole and abusive.

But he found you and got you to move far away from where you live to house his children.

He happily leaves you to be with his children cooking dinner as he has his life.🙄

Should you dare to complain he screams abuse at you, calls you a controlling lunatic.🙄

Thank god at least you won't be bringing children into this utterly abusive shit show of a relationship.

And of course you are engaged and will marry him.🙄

Your relationship bar is below ground level and you clearly place no value on your life or future

God help you if abusive scum like him is all you think you deserve.

Wouldn't be one bit surprised if he gives you a slap some day, he sounds just that type of screaming thug that would do that.🙄

viques · 01/02/2023 11:57

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 09:35

I agree with this. My husband goes to the gym/swimming more times a week than your DP goes to football. I would rather my middle aged partner was out keeping fit like that than sat at home. It does seem like you are coming across as perhaps a bit needy. His response isn't great but are you complaining a lot? It is probably a bit 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Show quote history

And are you looking after your husbands children for him while he goes off getting himself fit?

RealBecca · 01/02/2023 11:57

Was she controlling? Or is that just a tool he is using to emotionally put you against her? "She was controlling but I'm not like that, must do what he wants so as not to seem controlling." I mean, the fact that she left him makes me wonder how true that can be - logically if you are mentally finding a new man you dont want your soon to be ex around. There seems to be a disconnect there.

IIt's not about control. Hes showing you who he is so dont have kids with him or marry him unless that is what you want to sign up for.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 11:59

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/02/2023 11:54

Yes. OH will make sure there is food in the house but generally left to them to put it in the oven etc.

In my experience (DD 16) teenagers actually like having their parents around in the background, maybe to have a quick chat to, to catch up with whilst eating dinner. I actually think your DP is skimping on the parenting or rather he's dumping it on you.

Agreed, but his boys probably are wary of him and his screaming abuse....

He's a shit father tooo but of course he has the skivvy OP to use for adult supervision in the house.🙄

CatJumperTwat · 01/02/2023 12:01

I'm not saying I think he should be at home 5 nights a week at all, all I would really like it from Monday-Thurs for him to ideally be home at least one of those nights, or two if we have his children.

You said he's normally out 3 times a week, so he must already be home at least one of those nights?

reesewithoutaspoon · 01/02/2023 12:02

whether you decide to stay with him or not. the issue of how he communicates needs to be sorted.

Lets give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is ok in other areas (you say you're happy with him generally), If his ex was really controlling then he will be hyper-aware of any instances of that and try to shut it down asap. calling you controlling and a lunatic might work in the short term to get the result he wants, but long term you will end up being resentful and frustrated if you feel you can't discuss issues that bother you. So it's going to kill the relationship in the long run anyway.
Would he consider counselling to deal with the issues his previous marriage left him with?

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2023 12:03

viques · 01/02/2023 11:57

And are you looking after your husbands children for him while he goes off getting himself fit?

Show quote history

Yes we are a blended family A his, mine and ours. So - Yes we look after all children of the family jointly and separately as needed. In the OP'S case the children are teens and don't need care so not relevant to the case here. It is merely about her desire that he stays home with her.

LadyLapsang · 01/02/2023 12:04

I agree with @Sweetpeasaremadeforbees, it sounds like both parents are neglecting their children by prioritising their social life.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 12:04

RealBecca · 01/02/2023 11:57

Was she controlling? Or is that just a tool he is using to emotionally put you against her? "She was controlling but I'm not like that, must do what he wants so as not to seem controlling." I mean, the fact that she left him makes me wonder how true that can be - logically if you are mentally finding a new man you dont want your soon to be ex around. There seems to be a disconnect there.

IIt's not about control. Hes showing you who he is so dont have kids with him or marry him unless that is what you want to sign up for.

Scummy thugs like him always have difficult, crazy ex's......dontcha know🙄

They always manage to find some mug with low esteem to step into the crazy ex's vacancy though.

So sad.
At least she won't be bringing children into this awful environment.

You desperately need to do the online ...........www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

eyope · 01/02/2023 12:05

we do have shared interests, we both love to travel, we take nice trips together

I often see this listed as being a shared interest. But unless you're travelling the world on a sabbatical, this is just a small % of your life together. The commonalities are about the day to day - and if you had this, you wouldn't feel as you do. It sounds like for majority of the time you have somewhat separate lives and hobbies.

Same goes with you going on holidays with his friends - of course his friendship circles are strong, you've moved closer to them! But what will the toll be on yours now that can't see them as much. Also having mutual friends is not an indicator of compatibility as it detracts from what it's like when it's just the two of you - no kids, no friends. Is he considering your needs, wants, desires, interests, friends when planning his life? Some questions for you to consider. You don't want to wake up in 15 years time and realise you're just an extension of him and your life has just subsumed into his.

ReneBumsWombats · 01/02/2023 12:06

Don't marry him.