Fiance and compromise

[feghs324]

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

'Supervision of ..' not 'show soon or'

I feel when in an asult relationship you cant really 'tell' another adult what to do.

If 2 nights at sport and 1 night with friends (work do one off) is more than you're happy with, then likely you need to find someone who's more of a homebody type?

What you can't do is marry them, thinking you'll ask them to stop and think that's reasonable.

Going out every night is reasonable if it works for your partner, and if you don't want much of a relationship with your teenage dcs. Can't comment on the latter, I don't know if he loves his children or not,but it isn't working for his partner.

However what is never ok is talking to your partner like that, and describing her requests as "controlling' and 'bullshit'.

As several pps have noted, it seems pretty obvious he treated his ex in the same way and that is why she is an ex. She probably wasn't controlling at all, but we have the same arse in both relationship s who appears to regard women as services not people.

Feel sad for his boys tbh, he'll always be their dad (and what example is he setting them for the future?😢)

Hopefully he'll never be your husband though.

This.

He called you a 'lunatic' in anger OP. That is not ok.

We're only hearing your side, we don't know what you're saying to him. But he's only leaving the house without you 3 nights out of 7. So maybe what you're saying to him is controlling and bullshit? I easily leave the house 3+ nights a week without my DH, I take my Mum out, I take the kids out, I go the gym. If he told me I have to stay in it would be over. But we are compatible and we are more than happy with our 3+ nights a week we spend time together.

That's not acceptable

LTB

I also don't think what he is doing is too much in general terms but the fact he only has his kids half of the time, I would have expected him to prioritise his time with them and I would have a problem with the way he speaks to you. I'm guessing though that if he doesn't get home from fotball until 11pm, he isn't there all evening but that he leaves after dinner sometime. In that case it isn't like he isn't spending any time with you.

Exercising twice a week and going out once isn't that much and you can't force him to prioritise you more. If he isn't feeling it, he isn't feeling it no matter how hard you try. I imagine he will have a very distant relationship with his kids though when they are older.

He has an ex for a reason. I would be seriously looking at this relationship as he sounds quite nasty verbally and gives the impression he sees himself as a little bit single. I would be concerned to be honest and certainly not marrying him.

Sees himself as single because he exercises twice a week and has drinks with his friends once a week? Seriously?

If anyone, friend, partner or husband, called me a controlling lunatic that would be the end of the relationship because it’s clear that this person can’t do respectful conflict resolution.

Yanbu to want to spend 5 nights a week together. He inbu to want to go out 1 night a week and play football 2 nights a week. You're not compatible and I suspect that this is exactly why he's divorced.

He is extremely unreasonable to DARVO rather than sit down and discuss this. Using words like controlling and lunatic is nasty and will get worse - especially once the kids have left home and he feels even more justified to act like a single man.

OP you've said yourself you like to go out 1 night a week with friends. So you both go out 1 night a week with friends. Are you begrudging him his exercise? Because the night out is obviously discounted.

You also said yourself you like to stay home during the week. Just because you do, doesn't mean he does. You are being controlling, sorry.

End it now, it will save heartache in the future.

‘Re his kids: he’ll see them if he’s here’.

How gracious of DP. You’re being used to provide a homestead & bring up his DC for free while he’s in the pub.

He turns nasty if you mention you’d like to see him.

Talk to his ex. That’s why they split.

Does he pay for anything? I suspect we know.

I say that because I had something very similar and the bolshy attiutude was making me out to be the bad guy as he was checking out of the relationship.
One week after I kicked him out he moved in with the ow. I'm very cynical of men who verbally abuse their partners.

his ex was very controlling - ah right...that's probably why he is no longer with her. He lead a bachelor's life with her too.

Some people find being at home, especially during the winter very boring. My OH is like that. He doesn't read, doesn't care for cooking or eating well prepared food. He doesn't like TV muc. He doesn't okay game on consoles or phone. He likes to be physically active and that who he is.

At first, it was a bit destabilising but I now love to have the place for myself, although I too now am very active out of the house.

Bachelor life because he exercises twice a week? These replies are batshit.

He's out 3 nights out of 7 and most of that time he's in the pub.

@Clymene no only 1 night is the pub, and OP goes out with friends one night a week too. The other 2 nights he's at football, exercising.

You just don't sound very compatible - he likes to be out and about, meeting friends, playing football etc and you prefer cosy nights at home.
Neither is 'right' or 'wrong' but it's clearly an issue for you. Why don't you just go back to living separately and meet for 'dates'?
But honestly if he is telling you that you are controlling I would just suggest you split up for good ... what is the point of being with him?

I think the initial replies were kneejerk and didn't actually read your post properly.

You're just incompatible. I'm a homebody and wouldn't be with somebody who expected me to go out and socialise three times a week. Your partner shouldn't be with someone who expects him to stay in five days a week if that isn't what he wants.

She said potentially 4 in one week.