Fiance and compromise

[feghs324]

I really need some advice here re my fiance as we just had a big argument and I feel like he never listens or takes into consideration what I have to say.

For a bit of background, we've been together four years and engaged for one. We live together and his kids live with us 50/50 (two boys 15 and 17). I'm 36 and he is 45.

We both have healthy social lives and like to go out, but I'm starting to feel like my partner would rather go out all the time than be at home. Take this week for instance - he had drinks with his friends on Monday, a work leaving do last night, is playing football tonight, was meant to play football tomorrow but it's just been cancelled. We are out together on Friday.

I like to be at home in the week throwing in one night out with friends so I've just been at home, and it's a week we have his children so have they.

This week is particulary busy but he does play football twice a week and generally goes out with friends once in the week for a drink, then we'll go out together at weekends.

I honestly just feel right now that he never wants to be at home and is just always out. I understand we don't have kids to look after together and he ne but to me quality time at home is important and I had a conversation with him about it this morning.

As always he told me I'm over reacting, he doesn't normally go out this much, then it goes into I'm controlling as it always does. Then he said 'I didn't sign up to be in a relationship like this again' and that's the problem - his ex was very controlling and now I feel like he's fighting against everything to feel like he is his own person and no-one can tell him what to do.

I'm not trying to tell him what to do. I asked can we perhaps compromise and say two nights per week doing things without each other is fine and then we try to spend the other nights together (in the week I mean) and he just said 'no absolutely not' and walked out, as in his head I am putting in rules that he feels he has to obey, but in my head I'm looking for a healthy relationship where we do have social lives but also prioritise each other too.

YABU: He should be able to go out and do whatever he wants whenever he wants
YANBU: he is a man with a partner and children and also needs to care about how they feel

He’s verbally and emotionally abusive towards you @feghs324 . Do you think he would speak to his friends or his work colleagues the way he speaks to you?

You suggested a compromise and he was nasty. Your only choices are to stay and put up with more abuse or to leave. He doesn’t respect you enough to listen to you or be kind when communicating with you. Nothing else that he does makes up for the fact that he is unkind to you.

I fell for this myself when I moved in with my ex. He had children and I rented out my house that I owned to move into a rental near his kids, and where he himself grew up, 1 hour away from my life because I thought I didn’t have a choice.

in the end of course I had a choice. It is my life. I wanted my life to be mine, for me, and ours, for us. But it wasn’t. It was his.

So I changed that, moved back and started looking for a partner who I could share my life with. Now I’m happier than I ever thought possible!

it’s not all about being with a man you love. You come first, it’s your life. Then you find someone who complements your life and you complement his.

He's gaslighting you.

He moved you in 4 years ago as the free nanny/babysitter for his children, so he could continue to live the social life of a single man.

Now the sons are old enough not to need a babysitter he's got no intention of giving up that lifestyle; and he's making it crystal clear that being with you was never the reason he "proposed marraige". That was a holding tactic to keep you in the unpaid nanny/housekeeper job. Now you're just a drag on his lifestyle. If you leave he can have all the sexual freedom of a single man with no ties or obligations.
Expect you P45 any time.

Better men are available.

You said "years after they broke up and when we first started dating she only had the kids 1-2 nights max a week, and if we ever asked her to help out one more night she would lose her shit, tell him he was a terrible parent etc when he was doing the brunt of the childcare."

It seems to me like he's pretty much treating you the same way, he's losing the plot at you when you quite reasonably ask him to step up in your relationship.

In a decent relationship when one person is feeling hard done by and they try to discuss it with their partner, the partner is open to listening and dealing with the issue. But this arsehole is completely dismissing your valid feelings.

Do you realise he is abusing you? From the NHS
www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

Signs of domestic violence and abuse
There are different kinds of abuse, but it's always about having power and control over you.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or experiencing domestic abuse.
Emotional abuse
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
belittle you, or put you down?
blame you for the abuse or arguments?
deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
isolate you from your family and friends?
stop you going to college or work?
make unreasonable demands for your attention?
accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?

I get really annoyed how people throw the word "controlling" around the minute a partner wants to have a discussion about something like how often the person goes out. Yes, of course he should be going out with his friends and having hobbies, but he is also in a relationship and he has two children at home 50:50 so he has responsibilities at home. He is not a single man. It is not "controlling" for his partner to ask to discuss a compromise here.

I lived with someone like this for 5 years. He wanted to be a single man and do what the fuck he liked, when he liked and I was expected to be at home in the evenings cleaning, washing and cooking. (But he was an even worse shit as he never even bothered to say when he was going to be out, or late home from work).
I learnt a lot from that experience. Basically he did not care enough about me as a person to want to spend time with me and to want to take care of the relationship by doing things together and by caring for my feelings.
I don't think your DP cares enough about you either, OP. If he did he wouldn't be screaming "controlling" at you. He'd be wanting to see how he could improve things.

Please do not marry him and think long and hard about whether he is the right person for you.

he sounds a rubbish fiance

he'll never marry again

you are being conned, it is so obvious!

So what, it’s all healthy. Playing a team game, socialising etc.

he is home 4 nights per week.

Option 3: LTB!!

When he has his kids then he should be home most of the time to spend time with them.
They are older and more independent but he needs to make an effort still.

But when he doesn’t have his kids he should be free to go out as often as he likes.
It’s different if you never saw him but you say you see him on the weekends so I don’t get what the issue is.

If you are lonely then go and make some friends.

This is why I’d never live with a man or get married because the thought of not being allowed to do what I want as an adult, absolutely terrifies me and I honestly don’t know why anyone would put up with it.

His ex wasn’t controlling, you’re not controlling - he’s an arsehole. He is controlling, at the very least to the extent that he makes you question yourself so that he can carry on behaving as he chooses. There may be other behaviour that fit the same pattern which you currently think are your fault.

Look up DARVO. Read Lundy Bancroft ‘Why Does He Do That?’ (Download on kindle app and read discreetly). Do not get pregnant until you have thoroughly assessed who has the problem here (clue: it’s him).

So he's happy leaving his 15 and 27 yo five school nights to make their own dinners etc through to locking up and going to bed. That's not co-parenting , that's a part time house share.
Does he bother them with them during the weekend?

“He has said before he feels like he missed out on his 20s/30s because of this and I also know that's why he feels he has to make it up now.”

That has nothing to do with his ex - 🤣🤣🤣 welcome to parenthood.

Ex being controlling probably translates more accurately into she got fed up with tolerating his selfish attitude to being a husband and father. He should be prioritising his kids as it was his week. The fact that they tend to just go to their rooms after dinner is almost certainly in large part down to his failure to give them attention. He's using you to enable his failure as a parent and then abusing you when you dare to complain. You can do better. Being single would be better.

If someone who was suppose to love me called me those names, the front door would be hitting his arse on his way out.

The issue isn’t how many nights he has out. It’s the way he talks to you, the way he doesn’t listen to you or respect your needs.

He sounds like a shit fiancé and a shit dad.

I wouldn't marry him without attending relationship counselling first. It's important that you both can communicate properly and without name-calling. You need tools to communicate in this relationship otherwise its dead in the water.

Relationship often include a lot of compromise. My DH will ask before making plans not because he needs permission but because its common courtesy. He asked if I / we have plans and if I mind. In 13 years I've never minded but he always asks.

It sounds like your finance priorities his independence and social life above you and his kids. He is basically living a single life and neglecting his family.

a lot of men see their kids EOWeekend and are considered the norm.

a man has to do the majority of parenting for 4 years and now has be outside for the remainder of his adult life. God i wish more women got to act out like this.

I wouldn't like to be told how many nights I'm allowed out each week

I don't think this relationship is a goer. It doesn't matter how many PPs think his level of socialising is OK, it only matters what you think. I speak as someone whose partner works away from home in the week and quite likes having evenings to myself.

The way he talks to you is a big red flag as well.

Not really on topic but it's odd that in my 5 decades on this earth I know of only 2 women who became estranged from their children and the dad to be the main parent. 99% of single parents I know are women. But on MN it seems ex-wives are always running off and having affairs and abandoning their children.

He should make arrangements for his kids - and that includes not relying on you to do it!!
When he's not got the kids can't see the issue with him being out for football or whatever (although I see your point about having together time) but he should plan his social life around 'his' arrangements with his ex for their children!!
So if no babysitter sorted - he can't go!! He's a parent - this sort of stuff goes with the territory!! Welcome to the real world!!
But I'm struggling to see the positives in a relationship with this man!!

Nonsense. I had kids in my 30s, never felt like I was missing out on life and don't worry 3 primary and below agreed kids in my 40s. I've had a holiday alone (4 nights), have a uni course booked (3 nights), do volunteering that involves 4 weekends away a year, I see my friends, I have time to myself. As does DH.

He had his first at 28 and 'missed out on his 20s'.

Well then he's made the decision for you.

Although I would leave someone who called me a controlling lunatic anyway.