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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 29/01/2023 16:22

OP I think you know what you need to do. You can’t marry a man you know isn’t in love with you. You deserve more than that.

daisytumble · 29/01/2023 16:22

Are you certain that’s how he feels or are you just worried he feels that way? If he’s not for you, do not marry him. You won’t be doing yourself or future DC any favours. You can’t build a life in this way

I know it feels scary but you will find someone else, plenty of time to do this.

Randomness12 · 29/01/2023 16:22

No, I wouldn’t. You are worth more than this.

Do you love him? You don’t say that you do.

Unless this is purely transactional on both parts it’ll never work.

caringcarer · 29/01/2023 16:24

I would not settle. I'd want to be loved and adored for me.

Original poster
Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:27

I love him but not in the way I envisioned i would love my fiance as a young girl.

I have chronically low self esteem which many people almost dismiss. I've been working on it for years but only made marginal gains.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 29/01/2023 16:27

I think you have imposter syndrome and self esteem issues. I suspect he very much tells a different tale of how he loves his fiancee
but whatever he tells her she just won't accept he does.

If you don't want to marry him that is a different matter.

Businessflake · 29/01/2023 16:28

You know deep down you shouldn’t be marrying him. Give both of you a chance to find love. It’s really not too late, lots of my friends didn’t meet their partners/husbands until well into their 30s.

Indoorcatmum · 29/01/2023 16:29

Lust fades.

A kind man who will take care of you, who will be by your side as you build a love based on experiences and time? Yes please 🥰

Do what you need to do, but I think more people should marry with their heads rather than expecting fireworks.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 16:31

How do you know he doesn't really love you?

And in what way are your feelings for him unsatisfactory?

meetmeatmidnights · 29/01/2023 16:31

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:27

I love him but not in the way I envisioned i would love my fiance as a young girl.

I have chronically low self esteem which many people almost dismiss. I've been working on it for years but only made marginal gains.

Do you think the self esteem issues could be clouding your judgment?

I very much doubt your fiancé would take the time to propose, marry you and build a life with you without being in love with you. You aren't replaceable by any other random educated well presented woman, I'm sure there are a myriad of things that he loves about you, but perhaps you don't just see them about yourself.

He sounds like a nice dependable man, which from your description of your childhood sounds like it is what you need.

Don't self sabotage yourself because of your low self esteem OP, you're worth much much more than you're giving yourself credit for.

RandomMess · 29/01/2023 16:32

Long term love and partnership can come along without being "in love" or lust at the start.

chickensinthebed · 29/01/2023 16:32

I would... I mean OP, I believe most women think like this. There are many women who have loose love for their partners but end up marrying them/having kids because time is not on their side. I also know of a few women who have put together with men (set up by family/friends) and over time they grew to love each others. As long as his not abusive, I don't see the issue.

PenOrPencil · 29/01/2023 16:33

Are you sure that he does not love you? Relationships don’t stay in a head-over-heels phase forever, things do mellow out. Could it be that you feel like you don’t deserve what sounds like a stable relationship and marriage?

KangarooKenny · 29/01/2023 16:33

Don’t get married just because you are afraid of being left on the shelf.

NameChangedForThissss · 29/01/2023 16:34

Do you think he does love you but you don’t think you deserve his love and have come up with this reason he wants to marry you.
If you love him then get married if you don’t then call the wedding off.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 29/01/2023 16:34

Op, seriously… why would such a successful considerate man would be with you when he could be a wonderful catch to many other educated women?

You need to love yourself more, he has no need to marry “you”, he could marry whoever he wants. Considering your abuse background I would say sign for counselling before you ditch him. You may be projecting old forgotten fears from your past on this situation now because you are going from single to married, which may be understanding as “marriage leads to abuse” if that is what you witnessed when growing up. You may be identifying red flags from your past that are simply not there. 💐

EsmeSusanOgg · 29/01/2023 16:35

This sounds like your poor self esteem talking. A healthy loving relationship shouldn't be like a dysfunctional fairy tale romance. Have you looked into therapy? Pre-marriage counselling?

piggypoole · 29/01/2023 16:36

Do you want a family ? You say he's kind and generous. You could do worse a lot worse

Dyslexicwonder · 29/01/2023 16:37

Are you Charlotte Lucas? It's twist or stick isn't OP ?

How important is having a family to you ?
Financial security ?

If the answers to both of these are " not much" then you probably shouldn't go ahead. But if they are priorities you need to think carefully before chucking this away.

Can I ask if you have a satisfactory sex life ? Do you fancy him enough ?

SmileWithADimple · 29/01/2023 16:37

Are you sure he doesn't love you OP? I agree with pp that this may be your self esteem trying to sabotage things.

Fenella123 · 29/01/2023 16:37

My Mum married because she was worried about being "left on the shelf". It ended badly and within a few years. I really would NOT recommend.
Say thanks but no thanks to fiancé, get therapy to unpick all this, go live your best life.

ThreeLittleDots · 29/01/2023 16:38

If you genuinely know 100% that he's marrying you as a utility, and doesn't care about you, then don't marry him.

What does "true love" mean to you, and how is he falling short?

CockSpadget · 29/01/2023 16:38

Do you love him wholeheartedly? If you imagine yourself living without him, how does it make you feel? Do you feel devastated at the very thought of it? Or are you just meh?

watchingpullimgepisode6 · 29/01/2023 16:38

No don't do this to yourself
You deserve to love & be loved

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 16:39

The way you describe he feels about you - is that something he’s told you? Otherwise how do you know so certainly? Do you think a background of dysfunctional relationships and low self esteem might be clouding reality?