Would you marry if you were me?

[Boussa]

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

Your finance sounds like my first boyfriend and I don’t want to project. But that what every person will do - our experience makes us.

be careful that a life of dv and awful modelling does make you not appreciate real true love.

my first boyfriend was so loving and kind, lovely family - he’d go and make me a cup of tea and de ice my car - when he was having a lie in and I had to work. My parents said he wasn’t ambitious enough and boring and I was settling.

so I dumped him

I married a go getting man deeply in love with him and he with me except it was - it was frightening and overwhelming and game playing - domestic violence reared it’s head but I felt ok as I’d grown up with it and I didn’t deserve a boring life - I had mistaken adrenaline and fear for excitement - my feelings with off.

recently been through years of counselling and realise my parents are abusive

That first relationship I had -didn’t have games - he just loved me and would I’m sure married me and we would have had a lovely family.

I would explore with counselling if you have PTSD or trauma bonding with your past.

that’s my experience - happiness and excitement comes from knowing yourself and having your inner voice and pain heard and believed

Not finance but fiancé

I think this about how you feel about him and not the other way around.

The sobbing you describe suggests that this is connected to a deeper well of sadness in you, and the fear that you'll never find someone who fill it.

And the truth is you won't. Another person cannot heal your pain and insecurity.

He sounds like a good bet for a life partner that you could build a happy family with. But that family will not be happy if you are spending years thinking, I wanted more, I needed more, I still feel unloved despite all the evidence of this man who has commited to me.

So don't marry him. But not because he doesn't love you, we can't tell if he does or not, but because you have unresolved feelings about him and what it is you are really looking for and where you can find it.

I'd suggest therapy to help you resolve your issues so that when you do marry you go into it knowing it's what you want for your future.

If you’re having doubts now, it’s time to face up to them and end it.

You should both be madly in love with each other. Don’t settle for anything less.

This is a very wise post.

Love can grow

I have chronically low self esteem

This jumped out at me. Why do you think he doesn’t love you? He’s asked you to marry him, by the sound of it he treats you well. Read MN on any day and you’ll find a thread along the lines of “been with partner for many years, have kids, want to get married and he won’t”. And in this day and age, I think that’s far more of a sign that a man doesn’t really love you than what you’re describing. There’s simply not the same push for men to propose these days, nor any social stigma to cohabiting/just being long term partners. I do wonder if you’re letting your low self esteem take over here - please talk to him. I think you might be pleasantly surprised.

Hi OP, it isn't just the fiancé, is it? Both of you don't seem to love each other and are doing this for other reasons. That's okay.

The point is that these reasons seem practical and valid to either of you and to be honest, all the 'falling in love' business hasn't stopped people from having terrible marriages. It really isn't what makes a marriage last or happy in the long run.

So you may need to find what's more important to you: does he treat you with respect and care like you deserve or not? Are you happy in other ways besides not having the butterfly feelings which you usually get in the first few months or years and then it settles to something either negative or more stable? Do you in turn care for this person and respect them like they also deserve, as it's a two-way street?

As they say, love can grow. If you both have the makings of a healthy and stable relationship and enjoy the company of each other, I think you're well on your way to having a great marriage (and better than a lot of people who "fell in love" in the beginning but fell out of love was reality set in and there's no foundation other than 'feelings').

However, if your heart isn't in it, then you owe it to yourself and this man to end it rather than be with someone you truly don't care about.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time deciding but I hope it ends well for you whatever you decide.

I think that if you don't even feel that you can ask him why he loves you then this isn't the right relationship for you. You want someone that you feel comfortable enough to talk about anything with.

It's impossible for us to know if you could just be 'anyone', easily replaceable, just a good looking trophy wife to parade around - but if he really is that shallow and uncaring person that only really cares about himself and how he looks then please don't marry him, he will never make you happy. He will also only stay with you as long as you look the part and so at some point he is likely to be looking for a younger woman to replace you with.

On the other hand maybe this is just your low self esteem talking. Maybe he genuinely loves you and would be very happy to tell you all the wonderful things about you that make you special to him. Maybe you don't think he loves you because you don't love yourself and so you find it impossible to believe that someone else could love you.

I’m still not clear what evidence you have that he doesn’t love you.

He can want to settle down and also truly love you - both can be true.

Nothing you’ve said suggests he doesn’t.

HOWEVER nothing you say suggests you love HIM. You need to have a serious assessment of your life.

How are you working on your self-esteem issues? Have you changed methods of therapy etc if you’re not having much success?

I also think you are projecting your worries/feelings onto him rather than it being true that he is just settling for you. Lots of people do settle down with the one they are with at the right time but that is not to say that he loves you any less (and men are not under the same pressure as women due to biological clocks so he has chosen you rather than having to settle).

It can be really difficult to find a good man so be careful before throwing this relationship away. Speak to him and be honest; as a PP said, you may be pleasantly surprised.

and afraid of being left on the shelf.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

I personally never want to get married but I’d rather stay single forever than get with someone just because of my age or because of money.

I do think that many people (especially MNers) marry for other reasons such as money, stability or children than for love.

I think this can work as long as you are both on the same page.
But I personally couldn’t do it.

How long have you been together?

'Fast approaching 30' is nothing, don't let your age be a factor.

Gut instincts aren't reliable and you haven't had it in the past and never married those men either. (I know that's probably contradictory but ykwim).

There's a chunk of people who meet each other at a really young age and then just stay together. But, I think loads of people who don't meet someone when they're young settle. They reach a particular age and then take the next best/good enough one that comes along. Someone who ticks the key boxes and they rub along well enough with.

Do you make each other laugh genuinely? Can you recall in jokes when he's not there and still properly laugh?
Do you have the same values?
Do you like yourself when you're with him?
Do you find him physically attractive enough now?

If you have low self esteem there’s a very real possibility that he does love you very much but you don’t think you are worthy of love so can’t believe that it could be genuine. Deep down, you could have a thought that he’d have to be marrying you for convenience, rather than you being marriage material. One thing is certain: you can’t marry a man that you can’t share your fears with. You need to talk to him about your worries. If they are based on reality, it’s best that you know rather than going into marriage with a horrible sense that you aren’t right for each other. If you are totally wrong and he truly adores you, it’s best that you know that too! Either way - you have to ask.

You cannot actually know how he feels about you. I wonder how much of your perception around this is related to the bad experiences of your own past.

It sounds like you do love him. Love is not generally the "sparkles and fireworks" of romantic films. I think real love is much more understated.

That said, you are young and have time to seek another partner, and should not get married unless you are sure you want to.

Hi,
I’d put the question to him - does he really love you? Do you think you’d believe him if he said he absolutely did?
I had a difficult childhood with abuse. It was very hard to accept that my husband loved me. I knew theoretically I deserved love but with my lack of self esteem I didn’t feel worthy of love deep down.
Before I was married, I went through a series of dysfunctional relationships, sought out men that had the same issues and internal distress as me. I felt close to them and felt they understood me, as we were joined by our trauma. The relationships were wildly passionate but toxic car crashes.
When I met my husband, he was reliable, caring and stable. I was unsure if I could go ‘normal’ … but you know I did. I married him, have a good life and a beautiful son …he’s a good dad.
Please ask him and be prepared to listen to his answer. If he says he loves you - make sure it’s not your past trauma and self esteem issues that stopping you from believing him.
Do you love him?
Love for me is having a ‘rock’, a caring and respectful relationship and being in a safe place.
I’m not saying marry him - just ask him and yourself some deeper questions.
x

I think you need to finish it, pack up and go traveling.

You need to walk away.

It might tick the boxes but without love it will be gilded cage. Any feelings you feel for him will turn into resentment.

Look at it this way, if you are right in your assessment, he is already lying to you. That won’t stop and he will lie about other things too.

It’s absolutely not fair to marry anyone unless you really love them.Anything less is bound to end in divorce.

I think it’s you who doesn’t love him- Don’t do it.
It’s not fair.
Are you after his money and what he can provide?

Not the right motives for marrying - Although many women do marry for money not love.

Are you thinking of ending the relationship because your gut is telling you that he doesnt love you madly?

And that if you asked him he'd be non committal?

Because if the above is true....its a bit crazy imo

You can't end a relationship because of THAT

i think everyone will have a different opinion based on their own experiences. Maybe your own childhood wasn’t normal so this is clouding your judgement. Maybe your panicking about the future. But maybe your gut feeling is that, this isn’t ok. I personally married the guy who didn’t make me feel special. He had been married before. I had a feeling something wasn’t right and I ignored. Years later I have realised he had a jealous/ discreetly controlling side. Prior to that relationships had been love bombing and obviously controlling or mindgames and fast fall. Each one is different. I think for you therapy to discover what you want. Also you need to be happy. Do you know he thinks those things about you?

Love can grow as it does sometimes with arranged marriages. However, it can also become sour and nasty when you don’t love someone you are spending so much time with.
i once had the opportunity to marry a kind wealthy man, but I didn’t live him and for years after when I was single I regretted walking away . Then I met my dh - who is not wealthy at all but amazing, kind and funny. I loved him instantly and we have been happily married for five years. He was worth every day of the wait, and I ended up married for love which far outweighed the financial security I would have had .

It’s shocking to hear that ancient phrase “Left on the shelf”

Surely women are worthy of more than this!

Not everyone wants marriage and kids

Many marriages founder - It sounds like an old Mills and Boon pulp fiction story.🙈

You sure it's not just you projecting your low self esteem into the situation? You need to have an honest conversation with him.