Would you marry if you were me?

[Boussa]

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

I do want children

As someone who did marry ‘that guy’ & had 3 children with him because of crippling self esteem - don’t do it. I know that’s easier said than done, I wasn’t strong enough to break away. I actually believe my DH does love me but I have never loved him the way I should. I did it because I wanted security, & children and felt my time was numbered. I will always feel like I cheated myself out of true happiness.

OP, you know what you need to do. I hadn't been met my husband by that age. Spend time building yourself up and the right guy will come along. Maybe at 50 you can start talking about being left on the shelf!

I married at 29 to a man I wasn’t sure loved me but he was kind and decent and I knew we’d have an equal partnership and he’d be a good dad. He was all these things until he met someone else then he changed overnight. Mid life crisis, whatever after 20 years together, 16 of them married. He followed the script, was horrible to me and left for his OW. They appear to be really happy together.

I don’t know, OP, I don’t regret my kids but I do regret giving up my career to look after them, while his sky rocketed. If you go ahead with this, please be aware it might not be happy ever after and look after yourself.

Is there any age difference ?

There was a relationship coach on tiktok who said men marry the woman in front of them at the time they are ready to get married.

The responses didn't really align with this though. A lot of people replied saying it wasn't the case, but for those where it was probably was, was the case for both men and woman.

My theory is that you get to a certain comfort level, and this is when it happens. But I also think if either party want children, then settling can be a factor.

But OP, being in a comfortable relationship doesn't always mean there are butterflies, sunshine and roses and what you thought a relationship was as a child.

What is important is communication though. You need to discuss how you are feeling with him.

Lots of women have done this (Princess Diana for one) so it is very common, although less so now that women can have their own careers.

There is no easy answer. No-one knows if you will meet the man of your dreams in the future, so is it better to settle or remain single?

Do you have a good career and your own home? If so, I wouldn't settle as you will be miserable.

Did you think you loved him as you expected to a fiance at one point or have you never really loved him that way?
To be honest love can change over time, it doesn't tend to stay the new relationship exciting forever.
My love for DH has changed over time, but I still do love him, it's just a little less passionate than things once were

Do what you need to do, but I think more people should marry with their heads rather than expecting fireworks

This with bells on.

As you've said you have low self esteem, do you feel unworthy of love?
Do you feel loved? Do you fancy him?
I wouldn't settle no, but I would think about how you see yourself( it's often not how you see yourself)

Nope.

You never address whether you love him? Also are you sure he doesn't love you? Maybe you just have self esteem issues.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf.

You cannot possibly be serious.

You don't once mention any affection for him either. Don't get married.

In 5 years time you will be posting on MN saying you don’t love him or vice versa and what should you do. Don’t settle . Unless of course he shows You you are his one and only

If he sees things the same way as you and is kind and decent, and you both put the effort in to make the other feel special, you could come to love each other over the years.

Or you could bin this one in the hope of something more special coming along.

I opted for no. 1. It has worked because he puts up with me! We both make it work. I did have an EA some years ago but IRL I don't think it would've worked. I don't regret marrying DH. Together 30 years this year.

Love and romance aren’t the only basis for successful marriages.

are you good friends? Is he a person that you trust? If you needed emotional support would he be there for you?

Agree this was my gut reaction to the op post

Are you sexually compatible? I’d say if not then don’t do it, as that can’t really be fixed and will end up making you both miserable. But if he’s a good kind man and he makes you happy in bed, then go for it. Feelings can come and go.

You don't know how he feels, you're projecting due to your poor self esteem.

I used to feel this way about my DH. I come from a background of DV and abuse. Love was always shown as violent and obsessive. My DH is the opposite, he's calm, practical, and level-headed. I used to think he just wasn't that passionate about me. I married him anyway and we are still together 15 years later and very happy.

How do you feel when you hear his key in the lock?

@Boussa with kindness, no one is 'left on the shelf' it's 2023! Not 1893... If you don't want to get married, don't. You have lots of time to meet someone you really love and have children.

My feeling is that such a man would be a nightmare to divorce.

What happens when you stop fitting his image if who you should be?

I'd pass. You deserve better than settling for a man who us settling for you.

Also, before you mentioned abuse in your past, this man was already giving me bad vibes. Simply vecayse the sort of man who don't view women as individuals and instead, see them as 'just to tick a box' are not normal. I wouldn't want anything to do with such men, let alone to marry them.

MN cannot advise you here. And shouldn’t. Because none of us know you. We don’t know if your perception of your
relationship is accurate (and I don’t mean that unkindly). We don’t know if perhaps your fiancé does adore and love you but you are struggling and cannot see it.

I would honestly suggest relationship therapy to see if you are happy and prepared to move forward. You may find that your self esteem issues are the issue not your partner’s love. Equally you could be right and your relationship is not right for either of you.

I read the title of this thread and knew what I would reply.

The fact is that you have massive doubts and clearly deep down know he doesn't love you / you don't love him enough to marry.

That's it. No more, no less.

Don't marry him.