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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 29/01/2023 20:00

@Boussa do you really love him. What is your answer to that question.

Upsidedownagain · 29/01/2023 20:01

I don't know what to say really. I tend to be a 'listen to my gut' type of person, but then I truly trust my gut. If I felt the way you do now, no I wouldn't marry. But I'm not at all sure you are reading the situation the way it really is.

I think it unlikely your bf doesn't love you or feel committed to the relationship. Men don't need to worry about their biological clocks, so why would he? Is he so strange in some way that he couldn't find anyone else? Love isn't always passion and romance. It can be a quiet companionship, a feeling of being content and safe.

You really are not on the shelf. I married 30 years ago and half my friends then were over 30 when they married. Your friendship group sounds unusual to me. I work now with a lot of 30 + people. A lot did not marry by 30, some are not in relationships.

Do you love him? You've said you don't feel an all consuming passion but some would say that is a good thing. Passion can blind us. Seeing your man for who he really is, rather than some godlike creature who can do no wrong, is a much better foundation for marriage.

blueshoes · 29/01/2023 20:01

SettlingForANewPassword · 29/01/2023 19:45

I can only speak of my experience. I was about your age when I 'settled' for the nice guy who loved me. I was worried about hitting 30 and I was very much on the rebound.

I have been married for 20 years and have been very very happy. WE have been happy. I realised that my ideas of a great passionate love were a little volatile. I fell for bad boys who used me and could not commit and were users and I thought this was romantic. I discovered that what really WAS romantic was a steady, faitful, honest man with integrity. Where we had common ideals and a common outlook. Marriage is hard work- even when it is easy, and for me marriage has mostly been easy. My husband loves me. I have grown to love him deeply and to need him completely. I am grateful every day for him because in many ways he saved me from myself. He is my best friend. he is the person I want to talk to about every single thing. It never started as a great love for me. But it has become a great love. With a calm, quiet passion.

That is just my experience. But I was in it for the long haul. I never thought that 'this will do for now'. I thought 'I am making a committment, for good'. It helps that my DH is a good guy. He has been my great love, and I his. But I think in some ways this does make us unusual.

SettlingForANewPassword, I agree with your post. The love you experience in your 30s is not always the same butterflies-in-the-stomach you get in your teens. You are older, wiser and experienced more and know the former does not always live up to its initial promises.

The important things are:

Do you love him? You said yes
Does he love you? You are not sure and dare not ask nor trust the answer
Is he a kind and decent man whom you enjoy spending time with for the rest of your life and who will be a good partner and responsible father to your future kids?

If the answer to the 3rd question is yes, I would say he is a keeper.

cooldarkroom · 29/01/2023 20:02

I know some people really do find their soul mate. But they are few & far between.
I think being in "Love", is mostly fairy tale, & most of us a disappointed at some point.. it's an ephemeral flash in the pan, then, you hopefully move on to a faithful supportive harmonious cohabitation.
Depressingly I think going in with your eyes wide open at the 2nd stage isn't all bad.
But I suppose you can throw this hand back & gamble on someone better coming into your life.

ThisIsTotallyNewInformation · 29/01/2023 20:08

If you are having doubts now well he isn't right for you, whatever the reason. You know in your gut if it's right or not. A couple of my friend's who are now divorced both said they knew it wasn't right and knew it wouldn't last. I've never had that feeling about my husband, I knew I wanted to marry him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I've never had any doubts, never felt like I was settling, he was the one for me. If you feel meh about him, leave him, don't marry someone you know isn't right.

Beachhutnut · 29/01/2023 20:18

You have talked a lot about how you think he feels/ what you think he wees in you. What do you feel about him? If he wasn't there tomorrow how would you feel? Devastated? Relieved? Indifferent?

DuchessOfDisco · 29/01/2023 20:27

Indoorcatmum · 29/01/2023 16:29

Lust fades.

A kind man who will take care of you, who will be by your side as you build a love based on experiences and time? Yes please 🥰

Do what you need to do, but I think more people should marry with their heads rather than expecting fireworks.

I agree with this.
I have many friends who have had arranged marriages that have worked very well.
long term being compatible, being kind, respecting one another, and just being each others best friend is the secret to a long and happy marriage.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 20:32

Beachhutnut · 29/01/2023 20:18

You have talked a lot about how you think he feels/ what you think he wees in you. What do you feel about him? If he wasn't there tomorrow how would you feel? Devastated? Relieved? Indifferent?

What she thinks he whats in her? That's a very different question!

(I know it's just a typo.)

Justalittlebitduckling · 29/01/2023 20:33

If you both want the same things out of life and you’re a strong partnership, to be honest I think you could do worse. Does he make you happy? Are you having a nice life together? I wouldn’t disregard it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 29/01/2023 20:35

Beachhutnut · 29/01/2023 20:18

You have talked a lot about how you think he feels/ what you think he wees in you. What do you feel about him? If he wasn't there tomorrow how would you feel? Devastated? Relieved? Indifferent?

what you think he wees in you

I realise this is a typo but it really adds a different slant to the whole discussion.

OldFan · 29/01/2023 20:47

I fell for bad boys who used me and could not commit and were users and I thought this was romantic.

@SettlingForANewPassword OP's choice isn't between a bloke she doesn't mind and dodgy bad boys. If she conducts her love life right, it's between someone she's not massively into and someone that lights her candle more while at the same time being a decent guy.

OldFan · 29/01/2023 20:51

what you think he wees in you

I realise this is a typo but it really adds a different slant to the whole discussion.

One for the sex board maybe. Grin

palelavender · 29/01/2023 21:31

I think in your circumstances I would marry him. If he is sucessful and considerate and wants a family with you I'd be going ahead. Are you attracted to him? Love does deepen - that's the whole basis of arranged marriages where people do come to care deeply about their spouse. I am wondering whether you are just self-sabotaging. Many woman do marry for these reasons and there is nothing wrong with two people who want the same lifestyle and who both want children making a go of it.

Yes, I suppose in the next five years if you broke off with him you might find the finacially stable consideratate man who is single, wants to get married and have children and you both fall blissfully and madly in love. On the other hand you might not. One of my friends was always holding out for the perfect man and wasting years on various unsuitable men and she missed her chance to have children. She regrets this now and says she admired me for going out and getting what I wanted - which was to get married and have children. I gave up seeing men who didn't want those things and concentrated on men who were marriage material.

I think people are often in love with the difficult man, the commitmentphobe, who is just a bit less in love with the woman while the decent reasonable man seems less exciting somehow. Regardless of that, after years together when my husband comes in and ask if I want rice or potatoes with dinner my heart doesn't flip over. On the other hand, I am always pleased to see him when I come home, he makes me laugh and make me feel safe. He has always stepped up during difficult times and I love him very much. I didn't initially feel as madly deeply in love as I did about the man who broke my heart when I was younger but he, on the other hand, turned out to be just awful and I would never have been happy with him. I pity the woman he did eventually marry.

I think the important thing is that you feel like you are a team and you have each other's back.

Crumpleton · 29/01/2023 21:53

Has your DP given you reason to believe that he doesn't love you?
You could be getting yourself worked up for no reason.
Have a conversation with your DP and see how you feel after you have, if you're not convinced then so be it but it would be a shame to throw away your future because of thoughts that are just in your head.

If on the other hand you're not just having a wobble and truly don't love him then yes, it's better to call the wedding off for both your sakes.

BubziOwl · 29/01/2023 22:07

OP, a "gut feeling in your bones" when you have self esteem problems and a traumatic past is very often anxiety rather than the truth.

What would it take for you to feel truly loved? Is there anything missing in the relationship? I think you need to talk with your fiancé and explain how you're feeling. Hopefully he can reassure you Flowers

BornBlonde · 29/01/2023 22:52

I mean this kindly maybe some counselling could help? It could boost your self-esteem

Supernothing22 · 29/01/2023 22:53

Looking back I'm sure I married my ex because I was getting older and someone at work, who had meet her partner after me, was getting married.

2 kids and years of being unhappy later we are divorced.

If you aren't 100% sure then don't do it. I'd rather have not bothered and spent my 30's travelling instead.

Slobbet · 29/01/2023 23:12

Youve got imposter syndrome

Youdoyoubabe · 29/01/2023 23:15

No probably not.

loopyloutoo · 29/01/2023 23:17

I hadn't even met my husband at 30... now married and baby on the way - you have time, don't do this.

popawheeelie · 30/01/2023 01:37

Perhaps push the wedding back a year until you've worked this out? Psychotherapy might be good to help unpack some of your childhood situation and self esteem issues. Much love

28January · 30/01/2023 03:45

I’m not actually sure with this one. I was reading an article the other day where Jemima Khan was talking about her time living in Pakistan and arranged marriages and I have always thought that if you understand what you are getting into is it any worse or better than Western society’s focus on “finding the one” and “falling madly in love” which doesn’t have a great success rate. I have always suspected that my sister’s marriage was very much of the “we have both got to the stage where we will marry our next partner” variety too. They have never seemed madly in love but in general it seems to have been a happy union. BUT if what you really want is the true love thing don’t sell yourself short and settle for less.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/01/2023 04:02

Walk
Your self-esteem, what little you have right now, will be non-existent if you stay. Then you'll be posting here asking for advice about leaving a loveless marriage with 3 kids and no job or savings of your own and that your husband has had multiple affairs. Walk away now.

clairelip · 30/01/2023 05:20

Indoorcatmum · 29/01/2023 16:29

Lust fades.

A kind man who will take care of you, who will be by your side as you build a love based on experiences and time? Yes please 🥰

Do what you need to do, but I think more people should marry with their heads rather than expecting fireworks.

I completely agree, I'd far rather marry a nice man who treats me with care and respect. When I was in my twenties I would have married the one who rocked my world. Unfortunately my sister married for 'passion and love ' having chucked a previous boyfriend for being 'boring' that boring man still has a stable job while my sister's 'exciting' husband hasn't had a full time job in his life( they are 50) and if it wasn't for my mum she and her kids would be homeless. I know she thinks my partner ( worked all his life we've paid off mortgage) is dull........

My gran used an expression once about her that she took more time choosing her wedding dress than her husband.

losingit31 · 30/01/2023 05:33

I married under eerily similar circumstances. I don't regret my DC but I had to end it. He became abusive and had little time for me or them. He had money but I saw very little of it until my divorce settlement. I have had no contact with him other than in court for over a decade but when I last saw him, even though I was in the car and he didn't see me, all the panicky feelings recurred.

I would strongly advise against you marrying. I knew this guy for 2 years and I'm an intelligent person but I got this so wrong.