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Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 29/01/2023 17:34

Op, what do you think happens when you decide to settle down? Ideally you don’t want to go through 30 people trying to find the right one so if you find them quickly then it’s a bonus! He had settled, but Chosen to settle with you specifically. If he wanted somebody else he would have kept looking.

Also, Love isn’t all butterflies and thrills. It’s predictable(most of the time),supportive, stable and yes, sometimes boring.

ConkerBonkers · 29/01/2023 17:34

A lot of people who experienced dv are hard wired to want highs and lows in their relationship, and equate that with love. Are you sure that doesn't apply to you? This guy sounds like a good one. Your fears you are replaceable seem entirely unfounded in reality. The reality is you both love each other, and have chosen to marry each other. Before you make any decision you need a good course of counselling/ therapy with a registered professional so you can sort out all these issues, and feelings, and drill down to the heart of the issues so you can make the right decision, and one that you can be confident you won't regret

Brendabigbaps · 29/01/2023 17:36

I know a lot of people who “settled” for a partner, they’ve got happy relationships and clearly think a lot of each other.
However! None of them settled in their 20’s, you’ve got plenty of time to meet the right person.

OriGanOver · 29/01/2023 17:38

I don't know OP. This is tricky.

It could be low self-esteem talking, or it could be your gut telling you what's not right for you.

I also think marriages are more than butterflies and romance. We're all brought up on the idea of a one true love, and frankly, that's bollocks.

You need to have pre marriage counselling with him and untangle it all.

I also think men often do marry with timing rather than love - but I also don't believe in soulmates and one true love.

antipodeancanary · 29/01/2023 17:39

So you have no evidence at all that this chap doesn't love you. You certainly haven't cited any. But you have decided he is settling and would be just as happy to marry anyone. Even though he is pleasant considerate and has money, and could have picked from a wide range of women but chose you.
You on the other hand sort of love him but not as much as you hoped you might. You say you have low self-esteem and yet think you deserve better..
It's you. You don't love this man. For whatever reason which is your right, but he's not to blame. Grow up and own it. Tell him you know longer want to marry him because you don't think you love him enough. Don't hedge it with ' And you don't love me either ' I'm kind of the opinion that he deserves someone who loves him.

Gagagardener · 29/01/2023 17:42

The people you should be discussing this with are a therapist or counsellor, to try to understand your own feelings and reactions, and your fiance, to try to understand his. Personally, having had a long and difficult marriage that began with the kind of love you describe in your first post followed by one where we each stated what we wanted (and yes, financial stability, d-i-y and cooking all came into it), I'd certainly be inclined to give it a go.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Step99 · 29/01/2023 17:45

No.. you cant marry him. There will be trouble eventually in the future and will be painful especially if you have children by then. One of you will grow tired of the lack of connection and will cheat..either to try and find it, or will genuinely find it with someone else..

Pipsquiggle · 29/01/2023 17:47

Hi OP

Do you have a history of self sabotage? You are on the precipice of doing something or achieving something but pull out because you think you can't do it or deserve it? Could you be doing this now?

Original poster
Boussa · 29/01/2023 17:49

It's hard to put into words, it's just a gut instinct that I haven't had in past relationships.

I'm happy to forgo butterflies for a steadier love. But extremely afraid I will end up regretting it in 3/4 years and not feel able to bring children into this world.

OP posts:
HamBone · 29/01/2023 17:49

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, OP. 💐

I’ve been married for over 20 years and I do think that you need to feel “truly, madly, deeply” about each other when you marry. It sustains you during the more challenging times, such as having a newborn, family illness and bereavement ( in our case, we’ve experienced ill parents and bereavement).

You also need to respect one another- I have enormous admiration for my DH’s intellect, for example. I’m not sure what he thinks of my intellect (I’m not as intelligent as him😂), but he admires my creativity and emotional intelligence. Essentially, we balance each other-what one lacks, the other has, IYSWIM. It’s definitely help us as parents, as we can provide different types of support to our children.

Step back and consider how you feel about him. If you don’t really love him, it’s not worth it.

JinglingSpringbells · 29/01/2023 17:53

I think you should get out of this and get some counselling.

You are not in the right place to marry anyone. Your low self worth is clouding your judgement.

He may not be right for you but you aren't really being fair to think of marrying him feeling like this.

Mumuser124 · 29/01/2023 17:53

@Boussa

Are you similar types of people?
is there something he doesn’t do that makes you feel unloved?

mackthepony · 29/01/2023 17:55

I know it feels scary but you will find someone else, plenty of time to do this.

^^

Yeah but will she?

__
__

abyssofwoah · 29/01/2023 17:56

Well you have to talk to him don’t you? It’s not fair for you to decide how he’s feeling without even communicating about it.

However, it does sound like a lot of this is about you and your feelings about him. Don’t marry him if it’s not what you want.

Murdoch1949 · 29/01/2023 17:56

Unless you love each other you must not marry. As your marriage progresses you will have more and more issues. You deserve better than being a paid companion

Original poster
Boussa · 29/01/2023 17:56

I've wanted to ask him what he really loves about me a thousand times, afraid of his answer to be honest. I know his response will be generic.

OP posts:
JinglingSpringbells · 29/01/2023 17:57

I agree with a PP who says (my words now) that you are at risk of projecting your lack of enthusiasm onto him.

In other words, you may be blaming him for not loving you for who you are, rather than facing up to the fact that it's really you who doesn't love him enough.

But it's easier to blame him, than accept responsibility for you own feelings.

No one likes hurting someone, but you would be very wrong to go into marriage feeling like you do.

And at 30, you have a good 3-5 years before you need to start panicking if you want children.

OldTinHat · 29/01/2023 17:59

Sweetheart, you've posted here because you know the answer to your own question and you need reassurance.

Don't sell yourself short. Let this one go. Free yourself for the right person, but from what you've said, this one isn't.

Don't settle, you're worth more!!

NoWayRose · 29/01/2023 17:59

I wonder if your experiences when you were younger are affecting your expectations from a relationship. Perhaps unconsciously you’re used to more drama and equating easy and nice with boring. However that’s my random armchair idea - I would consider some counselling to unpick all this. 💐

peeweechigs · 29/01/2023 18:00

Feelings aren't facts. Have you heard that one? Don't project your feelings in to what you think he thinks. Ask him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/01/2023 18:00

It's not fair on him to be used like that - he deserves somebody who loves him, rather than somebody who sees him as useful breeding stock and financial support.

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 18:00

I think you have two choice:

  1. see a therapist and try figure out what is really going on with your feelings here or

  2. break it off. It sounds incredibly unfair (on him!) to marry him when you aren’t really sure you love him and have decided, unilaterally or without real reason, that he doesn’t love you. He deserves to marry someone who actually wants to marry him and doesn’t blame him for her own insecurities.

Yorkshirelass04 · 29/01/2023 18:01

Do you actually love him or are you settling as well?

JinglingSpringbells · 29/01/2023 18:01

Boussa · 29/01/2023 17:56

I've wanted to ask him what he really loves about me a thousand times, afraid of his answer to be honest. I know his response will be generic.

Turning this around....

He could promise you the moon and you'd not believe him, because in your heart you don't feel the same about him. You come over as wanting to set a trap/test for him which (in your head) he's already failed. And that will give you the ok to end it.

Just end it now without him failing this 'test'.

It's a bit like someone who behaves badly in a relationship to force the other person to end it, because they don't have the courage to end it themselves.

HamBone · 29/01/2023 18:03

Do you have a family member or close friend whom you trust and who knows both of you? If so, talk to them as well. My Mum, whom I trusted completely, told me that DH adored me and that I couldn’t do better. 🤣 Not in a nasty way at all, she meant that she really thought that he suited me, IYSWIM.