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Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 29/01/2023 18:37

This is very hard to advise on as there is do much to unpack. Have you considered going to therapy to try and understand your feeling better?

purpledalmation · 29/01/2023 18:42

I'd rather be alone for life than marry someone who didn't love me.

ThePriceOfSugar · 29/01/2023 18:52

Don't do it girl.

If you have to force yourself to believe something, you don't really believe it.

First few weeks and months after breaking up are horrible, but also an excuse to act out all the things you've wanted to do but been too shy or scared to.

Soon you'll be saying you love freedom more than any half-assed offers from men who treat you like a talking doll.

MatildaTheCat · 29/01/2023 18:55

Does he show his love for you in ways other than flowery words? You say he’d answer with generic terms but many people struggle to articulate their feelings. My DH shows me in many ways but isn’t very romantic in his words. We’ve been very happily married for almost 35 years.

Dont rush into a decision but do discuss with someone who can help you unpick your feelings and talk to your DF in a constructive way rather than destroying something that’s maybe worth keeping.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 29/01/2023 18:55

I know it doesn't seem that way but 30 is still
so young!

Marriage can be so difficult, don't sign up for that someone who isn't in love with you.

Be brave, out your energy and effort into yourself. This is your only life, don't waste it making second best choices.

corcaithecat · 29/01/2023 18:55

You’re not yet 30 and you’re panicking about not being spliced? Why??

You need to work on your self esteem, book some therapy sessions and postpone the wedding for now.

I met my DH when I was late 30’s and actively not looking for love. I’d left a long term relationship a couple of years before and wasn’t interested in meeting anyone new, but it just happened. Had my first child in my 40’s.

Never settle for second best. You’ll both live to regret it and divorce is expensive and much more stressful if you have children.

boogiebabies · 29/01/2023 19:02

This is difficult because

A) you don't actually know what he thinks, this could be your insecurities talking
B) you could be right because our gut instincts are rarely wrong
C) Are you projecting because actually you've done exactly the same thing to him?

30 is still young, and in my experience the exact time in your life everything changes for the better if you're brave enough.

OldFan · 29/01/2023 19:04

You're nowhere near being left on the shelf at 30 @Boussa . I get that some of your friends might be married, but it doesn't matter if you take longer to find a better guy to marry.

You aren't 100% feeling it so I think you should split with this one and look around again.

LovelyIssues · 29/01/2023 19:08

How do you know for certain he feels like this?

dzdzdxdz · 29/01/2023 19:10

You can marry this man OP and have a reasonably successful time. But in the future the truth will come home one way or another and you'll both end up in horrible stress and get divorced. Staying with this person stops you meeting someone who properly sets your heart on fire.

Everyonehasavoice · 29/01/2023 19:15

Don’t feel pressured because your friends are
all married
Try to meet up / make friends with more singles
And No I wouldn’t marry him

BreatheAndFocus · 29/01/2023 19:26

Are you honestly sure he doesn’t love you? Could you be afraid of being hurt so are subconsciously sabotaging this relationship and ‘making’ yourself draw away from him? Do you think you deserve to be happy?

There are millions of women in the world. It’s idealistic to think that you search until you find your perfect match. If you love him, find out carefully whether he loves you - don’t guess, don’t assume - and then make your decision on known information not unfounded fears that are torturing you.

If you don’t love him, let him go.

redskydelight · 29/01/2023 19:30

Has he told you he doesn't love you, or are you imagining?

Personally I'd say there was a lot to be said for a man that will make your life stress free, spoil you and share his life with you. And if he's doing those things and not loving you, perhaps you need to reevaluate what you think love means?

A swift persusal of MN threads will reveal that being madly in love is not a fool proof recipe for happy ever after. At worst posts from women with abusive men who they won't leave because they love them.

I do think however think you shouldn't marry if you're not sure, and 30 is no age. Maybe delay the wedding and explore your (both of you) feelings, perhaps with a couples' counsellor?

harrassedmumto3 · 29/01/2023 19:32

Oh, sweetheart. My first instinct is to say that you deserve better. But now I'm wondering if you have spoken to him about this?

WeightoftheWorld · 29/01/2023 19:38

SeasonFinale · 29/01/2023 16:27

I think you have imposter syndrome and self esteem issues. I suspect he very much tells a different tale of how he loves his fiancee
but whatever he tells her she just won't accept he does.

If you don't want to marry him that is a different matter.

I agree with this, mixed up with some unrealistic notions of what a successful, long-term marriage/relationship actually looks and feels like (particularly when kids then get added to the mix later).

Yeahrightthen · 29/01/2023 19:38

Do YOU love HIM OP?

What do you love about him.

Mellymoon · 29/01/2023 19:39

I’m sure he loves you and it’s your low self esteem lying to you. I suspect you’ll never feel loved enough unless this is addressed.

Chikapu · 29/01/2023 19:40

I've seen several people ask if you love him but I don't think you've answered the question yet.

chaosmaker · 29/01/2023 19:44

I don't think anything would ever make me marry, I value my freedom too much. Especially not to someone who didn't love me. May as well just have some legal paperwork drawn up as it sounds more like a business arrangement.

SettlingForANewPassword · 29/01/2023 19:45

I can only speak of my experience. I was about your age when I 'settled' for the nice guy who loved me. I was worried about hitting 30 and I was very much on the rebound.

I have been married for 20 years and have been very very happy. WE have been happy. I realised that my ideas of a great passionate love were a little volatile. I fell for bad boys who used me and could not commit and were users and I thought this was romantic. I discovered that what really WAS romantic was a steady, faitful, honest man with integrity. Where we had common ideals and a common outlook. Marriage is hard work- even when it is easy, and for me marriage has mostly been easy. My husband loves me. I have grown to love him deeply and to need him completely. I am grateful every day for him because in many ways he saved me from myself. He is my best friend. he is the person I want to talk to about every single thing. It never started as a great love for me. But it has become a great love. With a calm, quiet passion.

That is just my experience. But I was in it for the long haul. I never thought that 'this will do for now'. I thought 'I am making a committment, for good'. It helps that my DH is a good guy. He has been my great love, and I his. But I think in some ways this does make us unusual.

Unsure33 · 29/01/2023 19:47

If he is a good catch then presumably he would have a good chance of finding someone else, but he has chosen you? You need to have the conversation because you are talking about his feelings not yours and you don’t really seem to know what his feelings are. The conversation might make the decision for you.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 19:49

If your previous relationship model - your own or your parents' - is abusive, be careful because nobody wants to admit their relationship is toxic and abusive and shit, and people will create all sorts of narratives to justify and romanticise it.

They'll say the abuse is just "passion", or that it's great they can be so comfortable with each other that they don't have any inhibitions and feel secure in saying and doing terrible things. It can badly skew your understanding of what a relationship should be.

Patineur · 29/01/2023 19:49

You're not even 30 yet, you definitely would not be on the shelf if you left this man now. My DSis broke up a long relationship at age 32 and is about to get married to a different and lovely man.

Anyway, you need to work on your self-esteem and realise that you are worth so much whether you are with a man or not.

MrsLighthouse · 29/01/2023 19:57

Why do you this his side is one of convenience? Has he said that ? Maybe he doesn’t demonstrate love in the way you want …and maybe you don’t ? How do you actually get on ? Do you laugh together … are you equals ? If you are waiting to fall in love and get swept off your feet then there’s a risk with that. You’re gonna have to be brave enough to talk to him about this and maybe that conversation will help you make up your mind . Good luck !

BluIsTheColor · 29/01/2023 20:00

You sound like Groucho Marx
"I wouldn't want to join any club that would be willing to have me as a member"