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Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 29/01/2023 16:39

Oh, I had one like this. Wanted to get married as all his friends had.

He was always getting annoyed with me when I wouldn't 'comply' with his life goals.

I'm now married to my gorgeous DH, who loves me for me.

Don't settle.

2chocolateoranges · 29/01/2023 16:40

Has he told you he feels like this or does he give you the impression he doesn’t love you?

is your low self esteem clouding your judgement?

Original poster
Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:40

I do feel that I am deserving of love.

I can just feel it in my bones that my fiance decided he was ready to settle down and I was the first sensible option that he came across.

And for my part, I just value not living in a pressure cooker and having someone that is decent.

OP posts:
kissthegirlshesnotbehindthedoor · 29/01/2023 16:41

Hang on. I very much believe he will tell a different story! You sound very down on yourself. This is classic cold feet and as a previous poster said: imposter syndrome. He wants to marry you. He asked you. Men don't really take the plunge if they're 'meh' about things.

And listen if it is as you say (which I highly doubt): you can do a lot worse than marry a kind man who also wants to marry you and make a life with you.

KillingLoneliness · 29/01/2023 16:42

Hi OP, have your fiancé told you his true feelings or do you feel he only wants to marry for the reasons you’ve said?
It can be very hard to accept someone loves you when you have low self esteem and it’s easier to believe they are only with you for convenience.

Applesandcarrots · 29/01/2023 16:44

It sounds like you should really get some help with your self esteem because this cannot be easy for either of you

isthismylifenow · 29/01/2023 16:45

It is possible you have a case of wedding nerves and cold feet.

You said you feel it in your bones, but you also say you have anxious feelings. Could these be becoming mixed feelings.

anothernailbroken · 29/01/2023 16:45

I wouldn't marry him. late 20s is still so young to be feeling this way.
The divorce rate is so high not to be be 100% sure.

I did marry someone in my 20s who I thought would give me all you said and spent a few years wondering if I'd made a mistake.
Then I met my 2nd dh in my early 30s and it all made seance, I knew he was the one because I didn't have to ask myself if he was I just knew and when you meet the right person so will you.

Slowingdownagain · 29/01/2023 16:45

Feeling it in your bones doesn’t mean it’s true.

or is the truth that you aren’t really that into him and therefore you feel - or tell yourself - that he probably is the same?

Falvit · 29/01/2023 16:48

I'm not sure why matters what he feels if you don't love him.
If you'd be 25 I'd say leave as you have time to find someone new, if you're 30 and want kids, I'd say marry.
You'd be supriced how many 30+ attractive, successful women are up there. I have plenty of friends how can't find a financially and emotionally stable caring man without children (if that matters for you).

MeinKraft · 29/01/2023 16:49

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:40

I do feel that I am deserving of love.

I can just feel it in my bones that my fiance decided he was ready to settle down and I was the first sensible option that he came across.

And for my part, I just value not living in a pressure cooker and having someone that is decent.

Well that's what all men do. They decide they want to marry and then the next women they go out with who they like and love and respect enough to marry, they'll marry her.

Your situation is much better than so many women have - waiting and waiting for a man to marry them who will never marry them.

I think you'd be mad not to marry a kind man who loves you and wants to make a family with you.

kissthegirlshesnotbehindthedoor · 29/01/2023 16:49

Does he make you laugh?
Is he good/above average in bed?
Is he solvent?
Does he has the same values?
Are his family OK?
Does he make you happy. (But it doesn't have to be happy all the time)?
Do you look look forward to seeing him?

All those and more are questions to ask yourself when contemplating marriage.

quietnightmare · 29/01/2023 16:49

Marry for love

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 16:50

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:27

I love him but not in the way I envisioned i would love my fiance as a young girl.

I have chronically low self esteem which many people almost dismiss. I've been working on it for years but only made marginal gains.

This speaks volumes OP. Have you told your fiance how you feel. He might be very hurt to find out that you believe you are interchangeable with a numbervof women who tick boxes. Would you swap him for another kind, decent, responsible man? No
You both sound mature and responsible and want to get things right for yourselves and any future children, so you've set yourself standards and have not deviated. It could also be that your nature's are more introvert so you can't ware your emotions on your sleeve.
I'm unsure if you have any religious beliefs but many faiths offer pre nuptial appointments to talk through exactly these sorts if things. Perhaps if you struggle to bring this up directly with your fiancee this could help.
Well dine fir taking ghe first stepnand acknowledging there's an issue. That's the first step to solving it.

KillingLoneliness · 29/01/2023 16:53

You need you try and unravel your feelings here, feeling something in your bones is very different from knowing the truth.

Surely you should be able to sit down and talk to your fiancé about your feelings, it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts, especially you if have anxiety and low self esteem. You may even find counselling helpful to try and figure it all out.

If both love each other it would be such a shame to walk away but it’s important you work on yourself first and figure out your emotions but don’t make any rash decisions, as I said with MH issues it’s very easy to believe your own narrative.

EzzieM · 29/01/2023 16:53

If you don’t love each other, don’t marry, but…

Are you sure that he doesn’t love you? Or could it be insecurity/depression talking?

We’re taught as girls to expect a very romantic passionate kind of love but life mostly isn’t like that and quieter loves are still love. Read the book on love languages and reflect on whether there is love in this relationship or not.

If not, you know what to do.

yubgummy · 29/01/2023 16:54

One of my favourite songs is Tim Minchin's "If I Didn't Have You" which is exactly this. If I didn't have you, I'd probably have somebody else... but what really matters is the life we're building together and the shared experiences we will create. All the other potential women don't matter because he DOES have you and you're the one he IS building a life with.

Changemaname1 · 29/01/2023 16:56

If he could replace you with anyone I’d imagine he wouldn’t be looking to settle down right now

I imagine he does love you and this is your own self esteem

if you don’t think you are in love with him that’s a different matter in which case I’d say no do not go ahead with this just because you are scared of been single

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 16:57

I can just feel it in my bones that my fiance decided he was ready to settle down and I was the first sensible option that he came across.

Oh, I thought you were going to say he'd actually said or done something to make you think that.

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 16:57

chickensinthebed · 29/01/2023 16:32

I would... I mean OP, I believe most women think like this. There are many women who have loose love for their partners but end up marrying them/having kids because time is not on their side. I also know of a few women who have put together with men (set up by family/friends) and over time they grew to love each others. As long as his not abusive, I don't see the issue.

I'm not sure I agree most women feel this way, certainly not the ones I know. In my experience most women marry believing they've got something that no-one else has and that they can't imagine ever feeling in differently. They also know that's not so.
I do believe there are plenty of couples who if they didn't have children and were not so entwined they probably wouldn't be thinking about marrying that person.....but initially, it's unusual to feel this way and normalising it is really a form of minimising.
It's not normal OP. This could be because of your self esteem or because he's not right for you.

Unsure33 · 29/01/2023 16:57

Have you sat down with him and had a deep conversation? Or is this your lack of self esteem talking?

Applesandcarrots · 29/01/2023 16:58

JudgeRudy · 29/01/2023 16:50

This speaks volumes OP. Have you told your fiance how you feel. He might be very hurt to find out that you believe you are interchangeable with a numbervof women who tick boxes. Would you swap him for another kind, decent, responsible man? No
You both sound mature and responsible and want to get things right for yourselves and any future children, so you've set yourself standards and have not deviated. It could also be that your nature's are more introvert so you can't ware your emotions on your sleeve.
I'm unsure if you have any religious beliefs but many faiths offer pre nuptial appointments to talk through exactly these sorts if things. Perhaps if you struggle to bring this up directly with your fiancee this could help.
Well dine fir taking ghe first stepnand acknowledging there's an issue. That's the first step to solving it.

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Unrelated but do you have OnePlus phone?

Original poster
Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:59

I honestly haven't had these concerns in the past which is frightening.

I could do worse and a quiet life sounded fine in the past but now I'm not so sure.

I'm scared I've given up on myself 😢

OP posts:
Persipan · 29/01/2023 16:59

I love him but not in the way I envisioned i would love my fiance as a young girl.

Hmmmm. When I was a young girl I envisioned joining the A Team. Things we envisioned as young girls aren't necessarily realistic, healthy, or what we would want as adults. If what you're feeling is that you don't love him enough to want to marry him, then by all means don't, but do consider whether it's more that you're judging against a standard that maybe isn't applicable, and maybe wouldn't be the foundation for a good long-term relationship anyway. What would the love you think you ought to be getting for him look like?

Bluevelvetsofa · 29/01/2023 17:00

Why not have a no holds barred, honest discussion with him, as dispassionately as possible.

Your lack of self esteem might be telling you that you’re not worthy of marrying a personable, successful man, but his view might be very different. Before you burn any bridges, talk. If you don’t feel he truly loves you, then leave, but be aware of what you’re leaving.

How would you feel if you were to split?