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Original poster

Would you marry if you were me?

201 replies

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:20

Please bare with me as I have just pulled myself together following a very very deep sob where I was making almost inhuman noises.

I'm due to marry in the Summer to a nice, considerate guy. However, I know he doesn't really love me for me. My fiance is clearly tired of being single and alone, he just wants someone to spoil and share his life with. He's a good and successful man but I could be replaced by another woman who ticks all the same boxes and it would be of no consequence to him. For my part, I recognise my fiance will be able to provide financially and will take care of me to the best of his ability. I know we can build a life together that will be largely stress free. My childhood was marked by DV and financial pressure caused by a failing business.

I'm fast approaching 30, the last of my friend group to marry and afraid of being left on the shelf. My fiance just wants a good looking, educated woman that will be good to his family and future kids.

I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep.

God, I'm welling up again.

What the hell should I do?

Please please be kind my anxiety is through the roof.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 30/01/2023 05:34

If you are having any second thoughts then please don't marry him. It is so much harder to get divorced than to change your mind & call time on your relationship. When you find Mr Right you will know.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/01/2023 05:58

Boussa · 29/01/2023 16:40

I do feel that I am deserving of love.

I can just feel it in my bones that my fiance decided he was ready to settle down and I was the first sensible option that he came across.

And for my part, I just value not living in a pressure cooker and having someone that is decent.

Loads of people do this. Don't settle in their early 20s because they're not ready/too immature/just having fun to settle. And then reach an age when they're ready. And marry the next decent person they meet.

You're overthinking this and getting yourself worked up. Talk to him, it's the only solution here. Ask how he feels.

ReneBumsWombats · 30/01/2023 07:20

Isn't the "butterflies" feeling an anxiety response?

WimpoleHat · 30/01/2023 07:45

I know his response will be generic.

Some people but into the whole “the one/my soulmate” philosophy and others don’t. I don’t and neither does my DH. I have no doubt that my DH loves me very much, but you’d probably get what you’d term a “generic” answer if you asked him why. It’s not necessarily a sign of anything other than being a bit more of a pragmatist about love and relationships.

I think you should focus on how you feel about him - and make your judgement based on that.

WimpoleHat · 30/01/2023 07:45

But into

Buy into, I meant. Bloody autocorrect!

Zanatdy · 30/01/2023 07:47

1000% you shouldn't marry anyone unless you know they’d die for you, and adore you. I wouldn’t even date someone longer term if I didn’t think he adored me, let alone marry someone who isn’t into me

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 30/01/2023 08:07

I think I would. With the benefit of hindsight (I'm 50 now) I married the opposite of this situation aged 28 because I was keen to have kids. A whirlwind heady romance with a mentally unstable man who loved me.

We then had a crap marriage for 20 years with three kids who are all traumatised by his selfish behaviour.

Sounds like you need some good heart to hearts with your fiancé about what's going on in their head as well as your own.

2chocolateoranges · 30/01/2023 08:18

No point talking on here, the one important conversation needs t9 be with your fiancé.

you need to find out what he really thinks and feels however low self esteem is a bugger and destroys perfectly good relationships.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 30/01/2023 08:23

I was this soldier. It's fucking bleak planning a wedding to someone you like well enough, maybe even a lot, and who you have a good time with but who you know isn't actually your true love (and nor are you theirs). I bailed. Caused a lot of upset and at the time it was a big deal (I dumped him six weeks before the wedding), but 15yrs later it's not something I think about much and I'm happily married to "my" person and my ex is married to his and looks very happy as well.

If in doubt, definitely don't marry him. You won't be left "on the shelf" and you're still so young. Good luck.

HamBone · 30/01/2023 13:23

WimpoleHat · 30/01/2023 07:45

I know his response will be generic.

Some people but into the whole “the one/my soulmate” philosophy and others don’t. I don’t and neither does my DH. I have no doubt that my DH loves me very much, but you’d probably get what you’d term a “generic” answer if you asked him why. It’s not necessarily a sign of anything other than being a bit more of a pragmatist about love and relationships.

I think you should focus on how you feel about him - and make your judgement based on that.

I don’t believe in the soulmate/the one myth either, @WimpoleHat, I’m sure there are several people out there who’d make DH or I happy!

But, I’m glad that I was in love with him when we got married and vice versa. The daft sod still adores me in a romantic way, despite my many faults, and I treasure that. I love him too, even though he drives me mad at times! 😍

Daechwita · 30/01/2023 14:09

Those talking about head vs. heart, it's perfectly possible to marry someone you're both head over heels with and who provides long-term stability. I know I did, but I found that person by taking my time and not settling for something I could feel in my gut wasn't right.

I wouldn't marry this man if I were you, OP. Walk away and find someone who gives you no niggling doubts. Time is on your side.

FrozenGhost · 30/01/2023 20:57

Don't marry if you don't want. But in the nicest possible way, yes you are replaceable to him. We all are. You can be so in love with someone, but if they aren't there more, you'll probably find someone else. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no 'the one'. There are millions of 'ones'.

Same when it comes to 'what does he love about me'. Of course his answers aren't going to be unique, he probably likes the same qualities in you that most humans value - physical appearance, kindness, sense of humour, intelligence. Plus it's often about the rapport that you have, rather than one specific quality.

Quartz2208 · 30/01/2023 21:09

FrozenGhost · 30/01/2023 20:57

Don't marry if you don't want. But in the nicest possible way, yes you are replaceable to him. We all are. You can be so in love with someone, but if they aren't there more, you'll probably find someone else. There is nothing wrong with that. There is no 'the one'. There are millions of 'ones'.

Same when it comes to 'what does he love about me'. Of course his answers aren't going to be unique, he probably likes the same qualities in you that most humans value - physical appearance, kindness, sense of humour, intelligence. Plus it's often about the rapport that you have, rather than one specific quality.

Yes I think this is why people (especially men) remarry after being widowed.

I love my DH wouldn’t want to be married to anyone else. But I wouldn’t die for him and he wouldn’t fir me either. Not like we would our children. Who we both love unconditionally rather than the conditional love we have for each other.

if you are simply settling because you want to be married and are scared of being left behind. Do not marry

if you are waiting for a love that doesn’t really exist and is probably fairly toxic if it does then maybe look into why

BasicDistinct · 31/01/2023 12:02

Will you send him my way, OP?

I don't seek to de-validate what you're saying and experiencing, but I do know that I have fallen so deeply in love with people who have been so deeply in love with me, and I'm divorced twice. I now think that the knowledge I have learned through therapy is that: what I mistake for love is actually the safety of someone who is abusive and not a benign, normal, safe person. I worry from what you've written that this could be your story too, based on your DV history. I also wonder if you could delay the marriage itself for a while to buy you time? I personally think that first love fades, then to be left with someone who is dutiful and kind and considerate, whether they be male or female, it's all you can really ask for.
But I could just be an old and burned out sceptic.

BasicDistinct · 31/01/2023 12:03

ConkerBonkers · 29/01/2023 17:34

A lot of people who experienced dv are hard wired to want highs and lows in their relationship, and equate that with love. Are you sure that doesn't apply to you? This guy sounds like a good one. Your fears you are replaceable seem entirely unfounded in reality. The reality is you both love each other, and have chosen to marry each other. Before you make any decision you need a good course of counselling/ therapy with a registered professional so you can sort out all these issues, and feelings, and drill down to the heart of the issues so you can make the right decision, and one that you can be confident you won't regret

This.

BasicDistinct · 31/01/2023 12:04

Brendabigbaps · 29/01/2023 17:36

I know a lot of people who “settled” for a partner, they’ve got happy relationships and clearly think a lot of each other.
However! None of them settled in their 20’s, you’ve got plenty of time to meet the right person.

I also know (and I'm one of them), people who have turned away suitors for 'true love' and found true love dies in time, leading to divorce.

Original poster
Boussa · 20/02/2023 18:28

I asked my fiance in a jokey way what his favourite things about me were and as I predicted his answers were extremely vague and superficial 😢

I pointed this out and he was extremely blunt as usual pointing out how this "indirectness" bothers him. I was disappointed by his response.

OP posts:
slashlover · 20/02/2023 18:56

To be fair OP, you've stated several times that you don't love him.

Checkandcheckagain · 20/02/2023 19:06

Parents are so prescious about their children. I brought up mine to give up their seats to domeone who might need it more

Checkandcheckagain · 20/02/2023 19:07

Sorry wrong post

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2023 19:26

"I'm scared I'll never experience true love in this lifetime and the idea of this makes me want to weep"

  1. 30 is not in any way on the shelf, even if friends are getting married around you.
  2. What's the rush? why don't you spend some time working on yourself? If he does love you, he will let you take things at your own pace. You said that you've had a traumatic time in the past. It seems like you need to get some help with that and also to work out what you do want for your future.

I don't understand this though. I pointed this out and he was extremely blunt as usual pointing out how this "indirectness" bothers him.
It sounded to me that you were being very direct indeed. and were told off for it. Did the conversation end there? Why is he usually extremely blunt? Did you ask him why you question bothered him?

It seems like you are either experiencing anxiety over previous events or you sense that your personalities may not be suited. Can you pin point the things that are making you anxious in general?

chaosmaker · 22/02/2023 08:02

Only you know if you want to throw your life away on marrying the wrong person. I think civil partnerships are much better and don't understand why they push marriage instead unless it's something to do with being a 'christian' country......

OldFan · 22/02/2023 16:16

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I understood it as he doesn't like to be thoughtful and kind and consider other's feelings. He'd rather be as offensive as he likes.

I wouldn't want a partner who didn't seem to respect me, and so would bin him @Boussa .

OneMoreCookieMonster · 22/02/2023 16:33

@Boussa how old is he? And I think that does matter. It sounds like you may be a different stages in life.

How long have you been together? Have you lived together yet?

Sounds like you have a lot of soul searching to do. I was madly in love, I dont think he has ever loved me the same way.( He says he does love me) I married impulsively and very young. We are still together. But, after 20 years of being together it has changed because we both have changed. He's older than I am and life is now just routine. If I could, I'd go back in time and listen to my inner self and not marry him.

Tooshytoshine · 22/02/2023 16:41

This seems to be classic cold feet.

I don't love my partner of 18years the way I envisioned when I was a teen having read the repressed passions of the brontes. Thank god!

We have had a life of good times and few arguments. I would take this over Wuthering Heights anyday...