Partner won’t allow me to see his phone

GrazingSheep · 29/01/2023 00:06

I said I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship.
If you can’t trust him then the relationship is over. End of .

Original poster

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 00:07

i could see a notification flash up on my partners Apple Watch which looked like a females name … it took me about 10’mins to process it and when I asked him he said he didn’t know anyone with that name and it might be twitter notification (often random peoples tweets appear as notifications). I asked if he could show me his phone messaging history- not the messages just those he was messaging and he said no repeatedly. His reasoning was that it was his private messages and that when he was younger his mother would check his phone so he doesn’t like people going through it. I reiterated that I wasn’t asking to look at messages I was asking to see his chat history. I told him I couldn’t trust him as this was his one way to prove he hasn’t been unfaithful and if he can’t show me in the moment there and then then I’m not sure I can continue in this relationship. We have been together 1 year and are living together. AIBU?

OP posts:

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

XenoBitch · 29/01/2023 00:09

It sounds like you are never going to trust him no matter what anyway. Walk away now... for his sake rather than yours. Work on your insecurity issues.

Piggleton · 29/01/2023 00:14

Do you have a reason not to trust him or is this more to do with your own insecurities around being cheated on? If it’s the latter, well that’s your issue to work through and demands to see his phone are unreasonable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2023 00:16

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

Me too. Unless there's a backstory this sounds awful (you not him).

Bigbadfish · 29/01/2023 00:17

He shouldn't continue the relationship with you and you shouldn't get into another relationship until you've fixed yourself and your trust issues

MaverickGooseGoose · 29/01/2023 00:19

You don't trust him, game over.

NaturalBae · 29/01/2023 00:20

You might as well end the relationship then.

Cussons · 29/01/2023 00:21

I don't think you are being unfair OP. If you thought you saw a woman's name on his phone, and he's denied it. Why don't he just show you to clear up the misunderstanding and not have you worrying ? If my partner asked me that and I had nothing to hide. I would show him, without a doubt. Do you have any other reason not to trust him ?

UsingChangeofName · 29/01/2023 00:24

Bigbadfish · 29/01/2023 00:17

He shouldn't continue the relationship with you and you shouldn't get into another relationship until you've fixed yourself and your trust issues

This.

Unless you are now going to drip feed loads of stuff you haven't told us, you have serious issues.
My dh has lots of people in his contacts list who are female. I have contacts in my phone list who are male. I would not be in a relationship with anyone who thought that was odd. I would not be in a relationship with anyone who demanded to see my messages (not that there is anything interesting in there to hide).

TheSmallAssassin · 29/01/2023 00:26

I think you are being very unreasonable. I've been married over ten years, together over 20 and my phone is my business, not my husband's! I wouldn't ask to look at his either. If you don't trust him, then leave, but demanding to look at someone's phone is controlling behaviour.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:27

Cussons · 29/01/2023 00:21

I don't think you are being unfair OP. If you thought you saw a woman's name on his phone, and he's denied it. Why don't he just show you to clear up the misunderstanding and not have you worrying ? If my partner asked me that and I had nothing to hide. I would show him, without a doubt. Do you have any other reason not to trust him ?

Hold on a minute, why is he not allowed to have a woman's name come up on his phone? I've got loads of male names in my contact list and my husband has plenty of female names in his.

He didn't 'deny' it. He said he didn't know anyone of that name and it could possibly be a Twitter notification.

XenoBitch · 29/01/2023 00:30

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:27

Hold on a minute, why is he not allowed to have a woman's name come up on his phone? I've got loads of male names in my contact list and my husband has plenty of female names in his.

He didn't 'deny' it. He said he didn't know anyone of that name and it could possibly be a Twitter notification.

Show quote history

It would be hilarious and tragic if it turned out to be an email from the shop 'Zara' or something.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:32

XenoBitch · 29/01/2023 00:30

It would be hilarious and tragic if it turned out to be an email from the shop 'Zara' or something.

Show quote history

Or Betty Swollox 😂

Cussons · 29/01/2023 00:33

@DuplicateUserName well I'm assuming it's a name the OP has never heard before. If there was a random woman texting my partner, I would definitely ask about it. If my partner asked me, I would just show my phone if I had nothing to hide.

OrigamiOwls · 29/01/2023 00:33

You don't trust him. Time to move on from this relationship.

Original poster

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 00:34

So he will never leave his phone unattended … going to shower or get a bath and if he sets it down it is never screen up.

of course I don’t mind if he has female friends and he does but this is a name he has never mentioned before and if they were a friend I’d know about them.

maybe it is my insecurities but I always feel like he could simply show me quickly , without me invading his privacy of looking at the actual messages and if he wanted to ease my worries it would be a simple thing to do

OP posts:

TinySaltLick · 29/01/2023 00:34

I think in the modern world your phone is an extension of your body/mind and therefore there is a level of privacy associated with that. Especially as notifications can sometimes be misleading. I'm not in any way suggesting your suspicions are inaccurate purely that demanding access to a person's device is off limits in almost all circumstances

Bigbadfish · 29/01/2023 00:37

Marmitelover93 · 29/01/2023 00:34

So he will never leave his phone unattended … going to shower or get a bath and if he sets it down it is never screen up.

of course I don’t mind if he has female friends and he does but this is a name he has never mentioned before and if they were a friend I’d know about them.

maybe it is my insecurities but I always feel like he could simply show me quickly , without me invading his privacy of looking at the actual messages and if he wanted to ease my worries it would be a simple thing to do

No it's not an easy thing. It's an invasion of his privacy,which if you cared about him you'd respect. And it also feed and rewards your unreasonableness.

TinySaltLick · 29/01/2023 00:37

Just to add as a perspective - in a previous era people would write a diary which would be regarded as sacrosanct and the idea of someone else reading be abominable. A phone is the modern equivalent of that - so much of one's life is managed via the device that it should really be off limits

EmilyGilmoresSass · 29/01/2023 00:38

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:08

I'd tell my husband to get to fuck if he ordered me to show him my phone and then emotionally blackmailed me like that.

This

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:38

Cussons · 29/01/2023 00:33

@DuplicateUserName well I'm assuming it's a name the OP has never heard before. If there was a random woman texting my partner, I would definitely ask about it. If my partner asked me, I would just show my phone if I had nothing to hide.

It's ok to have names on your contact list that your partner has never heard of before.

Again, if my husband demanded to see my phone because a name flashed up that he didn't recognise, and told me he couldn't continue the relationship if I didn't hand my phone over I'd quite happily tell him to get to fuck.

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2023 00:40

My husband and I both are pretty attached to our phones but I have no reason to mistrust him.

If you don’t trust him them that’s the end.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 00:41

maybe it is my insecurities but I always feel like he could simply show me quickly , without me invading his privacy of looking at the actual messages and if he wanted to ease my worries it would be a simple thing to do

Do you realise you sound abusive?

"If he was really innocent he'd give in to my unreasonable demands and let me control him".

That's what you're rally saying here.

If you don't trust him then walk. Staying around will just make you both thoroughly miserable.