To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

Really sorry you're going through this.

I can't help with personal experience as I have a child but it really sounds like the only person who can answer this question is you.

A million people could write to tell you they have / have not regretted not going through treatment but it will have no bearing on how you will feel if you make that decision.

I hope whatever you decide you find happiness in your choice.

I chose not to - not as a result of fertility issues - as a result of mental health issues, mostly, and just not having a maternal instinct. I'm now post-hysterectomy, for context.

No, I don't regret it - I often have cause to feel thankful when I look at the sort of world children are now growing up in, how difficult it must be to parent in this environment, influence of social media and contagion. And of course, the COL crisis - I might be freezing my arse off but at least I don't have children who'll get ill from the cold.

I'm not a jet-setting, loads of holidays type of childfree person, but I do enjoy the small freedoms it gives in my modest life - when I am not working I can more or less do as I please, keep my own hours, go where I want without having to factor in children, eat what I wan when I want, not have to worry about whether media entertainment is suitable or whether I am setting the right example in the way I behave.

Ultimately I will never know what my life would have been like with a child/children - which goes for all choices we make. You have to take the view that you took the best course of action based on your circumstances and knowledge at the time.

@kagerou thank you, the turmoil of indecision is worse than anything it's really affecting me

I choose not to have kids as ADHD runs in my family, I personally have no regrets. I adore children and enjoy friend’s children. Best wishes.

I’m sort of born again childfree! I wanted children originally but fertility issues meant it didn’t happen and IVF didn’t work. The only thing I regret is bothering with the IVF in the first place, I was left traumatised by it. I know they say at least if you try it you’ll know you tried everything but it doesn’t always work like that. If I had my time over again I would choose to be childfree. Right now I’m really enjoying life.

I haven’t regretted it.

To be honest, I was very ambivalent about having children and never felt that my life was missing them. Tried conceiving for a while in my early thirties, I think as a reaction to something terrible that happened in my life at that time and I wanted to feel I could control my world a bit.

It didn’t work and tests revealed we’d need IVF. By the time that diagnosis came, I’d lost the broodiness anyway so was probably relieved that the decision was taken out of my hands.

In hindsight, I think the main feeling I had most months when my period arrived was one of relief and dodging something!

I consider myself childfree by choice- the choice being not to pursue something that could likely end up in having a child.

one of my best friends was in this very situation, they tried for 9 years & had to in the end decide IVF or no children & they didn’t pursue Ivf for emotional reasons mainly.

They seem very happy & she still says she hasn’t regretted it. Wished it had happened for her but still has a full & nice life.

Hi
i chose not to have kids and sometimes I worry that I have made the right decision but deep down I know I have. I hate noise, stress and restrictions, plus I love that I can just do as I please after a long day at work or if I’m feeling tired. I’m also free to pursue my hobbies any time I like.

im not a jetsetter either but love to do things on a spur of the moment basis. I just know that although I would have probably have loved the child if I had had one, I wouldn’t have been a very good mother - I’m too short-tempered, impatient and a free spirit. I don’t regret it at the moment but will I in 20 years? (I’m 44) time will only tell but right now I love my life.

Hi OP. I’m childfree by choice rather than fertility issues, early 40s, and the more time goes on the happier I am with my decision. I like kids, but 100% don’t want my own. I can’t speak to your pain or uncertainty or know if you should try IVF, but I’ve found my friends who desperately wanted kids are the happiest with them. The ones who were ambivalent or persuaded by partners struggle more. Just what I’ve observed.

I take joy in the things I couldn’t do if I had children, spontaneous things, selfish things, self care actions. Both my partner and I have fairly consuming hobbies we love and a wide circle of friends. I don’t ever regret my decision.

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make and wish you happiness.

Well no because I don't want them. But I suspect I'd feel differently if I'd been trying. Sorry you're going through this. I feel like I just knew I never wanted kids probably in a way many people know they just want them.

I do get what you're saying though do you want them enough to go through all of the heartache of ivf? Do you yearn for children and the experience they bring or have you been trying because you think you would like them?

If you’re this worried about regretting not having children then perhaps it is worth trying a couple of rounds of IVF.

You have (hopefully) many years of life in front of you and either way most of those will not involve taking care of a tiny human as they grow up so fast.

If you have a chance of experiencing having a child, then give it a go.

Don’t let fear of things not working out stop you.

If you aren’t successful you will come to terms with it and have a happy child free life, or if you do feel strongly you want children you could adopt.

I’m child free by choice and never regretted it. To be honest, the way things are going in the world, it’s a big relief.

This is a nice thread actually, not full of child bashing but just posters happy with their decision that it’s not for them. If it helps my great aunt is child free by choice and never married - she was a midwife! She doesn’t dislike babies/children at all (obviously) but just didn’t want her own, however she’s very close with her nieces and many great nieces/nephews. She’s 80 now and never short of company. Says she’s very happy she’s child free but also that she fostered family relationships over the years.

I chose not to, I’m past the time I could have got pregnant now & I don’t regret it. History of mental illness in the family on both my mum & dads side & I couldn’t take the risk that I’d end up having a surprise breakdown & raising (or not raising, rather) my kids the same way I was.
I decided this in my early 20s so I’ve had a lot of time to change my mind but never did.
i can’t imagine how painful it is to want them & not be able to have them, my heart goes out to every woman in that situation, it’s desperately unfair.
my husband has children & I go above beyond & sideways to make them happy & ensure their time with us is packed with the sort of positive memories I don’t have, & that they always feel safe and loved. I invest a lot of time energy & finances into this but I do this because it’s the right thing to do in that every child deserves the best possible childhood, & in no way because I feel any type of maternal pull towards them because I simply don’t. I don’t think I’d have been a ‘bad’ mother if I had children, but I have to be honest I don’t miss them when they are with their mum, I do think that if I’d been a mother myself I’d have always been acting a mother role rather than loving them unconditionally like a mother should & I’m sure children would see through that.

@Whyisitsososohard definitely because I think I'll like it. I have no experience or evidence to say I'll definitely like it - it's mainly because it feels like the natural thing to do and living another 50 years potentially seem strange just me and DH

I had 2 of 3 NHS-funded IUI cycles in London, then moved down here to Devon before the third, aged 35, and never bothered to pursue it further. Infertility was a source of great sadness in my 30s, then when I hit 40 and became menopausal, I kept thinking I might be pregnant as my period got later and later, and was horrified at the thought of being a mother in my 40s! “I’ll never be able to retire at 55!” was my first thought!

Age got me over the sadness naturally and instantly. No regrets now at 59. Had a lovely lazy selfish life, wouldn’t change things at all.

Everyone's journey with this is unique and what I'm about to say about my own experience may come across in ways i wouldn't like, I don't mean to be harsh. My body was not carying the babies to full term. I realised in that process that i did not want just any baby. I only wanted babies that were like me and my husband with all of our abilities. When that realisation dawned, i did the responsible thing and stopped trying. It was incredibly difficult, but my reasoning was sound, for me, and I've never regretted it. What i do regret is not being a part of a family, mine is small and spread across the globe and my husband's is even smaller and they aren't close. But i know that having my own babies would not have guaranteed me the version of "family" i sought.

I'm sorry you're struggling. (Flowers)

I should have said, there were some difficult years, but i have a very happy and meaningful life!

Hi @notetakerforlife I regret it! We lost a pregnancy (due to undiagnosed endometriosis at the time), then I got quite poorly with multiple gynaecological issues and had to have emergency hysterectomy, bi-lateral oophectonomy (sp) & cervix removal. Was so ill for several years that going down the adoption/fostering route wasn’t an option at that time. Then OH stated he no longer wanted children and I accepted that at the time.

Over time our extended family has just got smaller (due to multiple bereavements) and I can’t help thinking we’d have had the chance to grow the family if we’d had children - our own or otherwise.

Nutshell - Childless family get smaller over time. With children family grows over time. I think there is nothing finer than a family full of opportunity, love and laughter. I realise it doesn’t always work out that way!

Ultimately only you can decide what’s best for you! Either way there are no guarantees. Good Luck!

I’ve no regrets at all about never looking into fertility treatment. I was, to say the least, ambivalent about having children and when it didn’t happen I felt I’d been let off the hook.

Motherhood has the potential to wreck your body, your mental health, your finances, your relationship and your career, as borne out every day on threads on this board. I feel that the pros of having children are massively outweighed by the cons.

I can’t have children because of fertility issues but DH & I decided not to pursue IVF because the odds of success are really not great

I am sad we don’t have children but I’ve also come to terms with it - I mean you have too in the end as hiding under the bed sobbing isn’t generally going to change anything

it’s always a very very personal choice. All I can say is you just have to be able to make peace with whatever you decide

I do have one child, but I am just chipping in to say that we would never have gone down the fertility treatment route. Neither of us wanted the financial and emotional stress. We had tests done after a year of trying, mainly so that if there was an issue we could just draw a line under the idea.

Being able to take the voluntary early exit package being offered by my employer and retiring at 58 has been a huge silver lining. We now have a carefree life and can afford to travel. If I could go back with the guarantee of being able to have a baby I wouldn’t change anything.

I have always been one of those people who has been looking forward to having kids since I was a young girl.

Now I have a baby, I love her to pieces but I can completely understand now why people are content not to have one, and that you can still live a fulfilled life without a child. However, I would not have ever realised this had I not had her! I hope that doesn't sound ungrateful, and indeed I'm eternally grateful I have her, but it really does make you realise how much your focus shifts from yourself and your partner, to satisfying every whim of another human being. And the constant anxiety that comes with always wanting to keep this little person safe and happy is a large burden to carry. Everything we do now is to build her future.

There are a ton of other things in life you can do to create a similar level of contentment, I believe - and freedom to make decisions and live life purely for yourself should be cherished.

Either way you go comes with positives and negatives 😘

Slightly different for me. We've been trying for 5 years and have pursued ivf and fertility treatment. We did conceive after 18 months of ttc but had multiple pregnancy losses. We then had extensive treatment on top of ivf and we still lost healthy babies. We've been on a break from trying now for nearly 6 months and I'm coming to terms with it not happening for us. I definitely don't want to look into adoption and I am not sure I have the drive in me anymore.
It's not as scary to me to just be me and dh. Wishing you the best x