Page 8 | To ask if you regret NOT having children?

notetakerforlife · 2023-01-28T20:36:43+00:00

Posting here for traffic. Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally. It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected. I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it? I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later. So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

YouJustDoYou · 31/01/2023 18:59

I have four close friends who severely regret it, 3 of whom accept it's just life didn't happen that way (each three also have nieces/nephews they are close to), the forth can't accept it, no children in her family, and is deeply upset it never happened for her. On adoption list for 2 years now, not looking like she'll ever be allowed to adopt (single, flat, etc etc).

LadyJ2023 · 31/01/2023 19:00

I think making a choice not to
Have children is very different from trying and then next option ivf. The fact you've been trying suggests you do want children. I couldn't never see my
life without mine they bring so much joy. I have an aunt who was in the exact
Same position as yourself and they chose not to get specalist help. They both regret it bitterly even tho we have a massive family around with kids. They sit in evenings watching TV or reading nothing else to do. Just a few weeks ago they were making wills and it brought home to her they have no one other than extended family and she was down for a while. Do what's best for you dont allow our opinions thoughts to sway you. Take care x

RubyPip · 31/01/2023 19:08

Bubblebubblebah · 31/01/2023 18:51

Unbefuckingleavable, I have no reported the poster because this is starting to feel like not genuine and more like trolling

Ditto 🙄

Original poster

notetakerforlife · 31/01/2023 19:14

@SilentNightDancer thank you. Even though I asked for childfree responses your post has been very helpful actually - I'm just so angry I am in this position! And wish it would just go away 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

notetakerforlife · 31/01/2023 19:16

@locouhoh yes, I agree.

Part of me is almost hoping for the IVF not to work and then I tried and had no choice and it's all over with, decided for me.

OP posts:

Northlights22 · 31/01/2023 19:16

They sit in evenings watching TV or reading nothing else to do.

people with kids do this too 🙄

i cannot conceive naturally so we considered IVF but decided against it.
I am so so so happy we chose not to have kids.
nothing about being a parent appeals to me.
I don’t have a maternal bone in my body. I don’t find babies or kids interesting and actually find them boring.
looking at my friends there is nothing appealing about it

I have a great job where I travel around the world and meet amazing people and I couldn’t do this if I had kids as I am away for weeks at a time.
I love going on adult only holidays with no screaming kids
I love having a disposable income that I can spend on myself or my husband.
I love the fact that we can hop on a plane and go on a city break to Europe whenever we fancy
We’re not stuck to school holidays or ridiculous prizes.
i love after a busy day at work going for drinks with my friends and enjoying their company
I also love spending time with my husband going on dates or hosting parties with all our friends and having a good time.
I enjoy a calm and quite house
I enjoy that my walls and sofas are not smeared with food
I enjoy not being accountable to anyone
I enjoy my freedom
i enjoy seeing my friends for girly weekends away and I’m off to Dublin and the Netherlands on Feb and march for weekends away with the girls.

having kids is no guarantee they will want to stick around and take care of you when you’re old.

Northlights22 · 31/01/2023 19:18

Op I had a pregnancy scare recently and the stress I felt knowing I could be pregnant made me realise I do not want kids

Original poster

notetakerforlife · 31/01/2023 19:21

@2ndTimeRound90 thank you ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

notetakerforlife · 31/01/2023 19:21

@Northlights22 😂 I understand! I really do because I also think I'd feel sad finding out I was pregnant. This is the most torchering time of my life to be honest regarding decision making

OP posts:

Mummysgogetter · 31/01/2023 19:23

LadyJ2023 · 31/01/2023 19:00

I think making a choice not to
Have children is very different from trying and then next option ivf. The fact you've been trying suggests you do want children. I couldn't never see my
life without mine they bring so much joy. I have an aunt who was in the exact
Same position as yourself and they chose not to get specalist help. They both regret it bitterly even tho we have a massive family around with kids. They sit in evenings watching TV or reading nothing else to do. Just a few weeks ago they were making wills and it brought home to her they have no one other than extended family and she was down for a while. Do what's best for you dont allow our opinions thoughts to sway you. Take care x

Sitting around watching TV or reading in the evening bored? This is because they have no kids or because they have no interests or hobbies? 🙄 as opposed to a parent who is run ragged getting pickups, pack ups, homework, bathtime, reading etc, etc. before they finally collapse in front of the TV in exhaustion 🤣🤣🤣

2ndTimeRound90 · 31/01/2023 19:38

Bubblebubblebah · 31/01/2023 18:51

Unbefuckingleavable, I have no reported the poster because this is starting to feel like not genuine and more like trolling

Did you even read my post? I'm not trolling at all. Was just trying to share a link that might be useful. Easily half my friend group have chosen to be child free, and I nearly did myself - I'm not here pushing an agenda at all! Was just defensive previously but agreed to drop that

sammylady37 · 31/01/2023 19:54

Lottapianos · 31/01/2023 11:44

'I’ve had everything from sad face, to guessing why I don’t have them (there must be a tragic reason, head tilt) to sheer outrage.'

It's just unhinged, isn't it? Women not having children really pushes some interesting buttons for some people. I'm sure you know this already, but it's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT about them, and not really about you. You're fine 🙂

‘Unhinged’ is a good word to describe it. It’s bizarre. If they were truly happy and content in their life choices, they wouldn’t be so outraged that some of us choose different paths to them, they’d just accept that different people have different wants and desires.

Op, I’m 43 and childfree by choice. Well, I say ‘by choice’ but really it wasn’t even that as I never had to make the choice, because it simply never crossed my radar as a possible thing to do, in much the same way as I never actively chose not to join the circus or become a nightclub promoter or shave off my hair… it has simply never appealed to me or been something that held even the slightest attraction.

I have no regrets, and live a very contented life, which I wouldn’t want to change. It makes me laugh when parents wax lyrical about how much kids would change my life, in an attempt to convince me I should have some… my response to that is that I don’t want to change my life, I love it the way it is, thanks very much!

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 20:00

If they were truly happy and content in their life choices, they wouldn’t be so outraged that some of us choose different paths to them, they’d just accept that different people have different wants and desires.

I agree. On another thread (struggling mum looking for empathy) a couple of childfree people turned up to say how fantastic it is not to have kids and how relieved they are they made that decision and didn’t end up like OP. It’s bizarre, I often think no happy person needs to be that deliberately spiteful or smug.

KimberleyClark · 31/01/2023 20:02

LadyJ2023 · 31/01/2023 19:00

I think making a choice not to
Have children is very different from trying and then next option ivf. The fact you've been trying suggests you do want children. I couldn't never see my
life without mine they bring so much joy. I have an aunt who was in the exact
Same position as yourself and they chose not to get specalist help. They both regret it bitterly even tho we have a massive family around with kids. They sit in evenings watching TV or reading nothing else to do. Just a few weeks ago they were making wills and it brought home to her they have no one other than extended family and she was down for a while. Do what's best for you dont allow our opinions thoughts to sway you. Take care x

Not everyone is like your aunt. I went through a period of grieving for the childrenI didn’t have. Read a few books including one on pronatalism which was a game changer as made me realise my happiness did not depend on having children. That’s just something society conditions us to believe. As for sitting around watching TV or reading in the evenings, going from posts on Mumsnet plenty of parents would give their right arm to be able to do that!

Northlights22 · 31/01/2023 20:22

I don’t think it’s clean cut …ie you either want child or not. Some people just don’t know but it’s one of those things you can’t go back on.

I’m aware that I am happy being child free BUT it hurts not to be able to conceive naturally and simply have kids. And it took a couple of years to realise I wouldn’t have a family BUT now I would be upset if I did conceive.

the issue is if you can’t naturally conceive you have to really really think about it and then your mind goes through all the pros and cons

if I would have got pregnant naturally I’d probably be super happy and love my kids but because I’d need to go through ivf and it isn’t a guarantee I’ve found the good in being child free
I also have other health concerns so I probably would miscarry and that would kill me.

I am so happy with my lot but I do see that if I had had kids with my husband I would be just as happy

Lottapianos · 31/01/2023 20:42

'It makes me laugh when parents wax lyrical about how much kids would change my life, in an attempt to convince me I should have some… my response to that is that I don’t want to change my life, I love it the way it is, thanks very much!'

Absolutely LOVE this! Please start telling them this to their faces from now on 😁

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 31/01/2023 21:10

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 20:00

If they were truly happy and content in their life choices, they wouldn’t be so outraged that some of us choose different paths to them, they’d just accept that different people have different wants and desires.

I agree. On another thread (struggling mum looking for empathy) a couple of childfree people turned up to say how fantastic it is not to have kids and how relieved they are they made that decision and didn’t end up like OP. It’s bizarre, I often think no happy person needs to be that deliberately spiteful or smug.

Funnily enough @Cuppasoupmonster I think those statements could apply to you.
Are you happy with your life choices as you are like this on many threads I've seen. Pot, kettle, black?
I have DC but I can see why people wouldn't want to, and it's usually the ones with the kids who bang on about it

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 21:39

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 31/01/2023 21:10

Funnily enough @Cuppasoupmonster I think those statements could apply to you.
Are you happy with your life choices as you are like this on many threads I've seen. Pot, kettle, black?
I have DC but I can see why people wouldn't want to, and it's usually the ones with the kids who bang on about it

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Like what?

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 31/01/2023 21:49

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 21:39

Like what?

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You do the same like you're constantly trying to justify why having children is so great. Just leave people be. Its ok to not want to have children and be happy about that. I don't even understand why you're on this thread given your comments on similar ones, it's like you're purposely being goady. It's very strange. Anyway don't want to derail, just noticed that you're doing it again so wanted to call it out. You may want to unpack why you keep doing this.

Cuppasoupmonster · 31/01/2023 21:54

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 31/01/2023 21:49

You do the same like you're constantly trying to justify why having children is so great. Just leave people be. Its ok to not want to have children and be happy about that. I don't even understand why you're on this thread given your comments on similar ones, it's like you're purposely being goady. It's very strange. Anyway don't want to derail, just noticed that you're doing it again so wanted to call it out. You may want to unpack why you keep doing this.

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😂 do I really, mystic Meg. I came on this thread to comment on my great aunty who lives a fabulous child free life and certainly doesn’t regret a thing, so I’m not sure where you’ve been following me about!

sammylady37 · 31/01/2023 22:19

Lottapianos · 31/01/2023 20:42

'It makes me laugh when parents wax lyrical about how much kids would change my life, in an attempt to convince me I should have some… my response to that is that I don’t want to change my life, I love it the way it is, thanks very much!'

Absolutely LOVE this! Please start telling them this to their faces from now on 😁

Oh I do! It usually results in them shutting up and pursing their lips in disapproval, but it at least stems the tide a little.

Lottapianos · 31/01/2023 22:24

Good work, sammylady37 👍👍👍 whatever shuts them up, and maybe makes them think a bit too

SilentNightDancer · 01/02/2023 04:52

I'm kind of surprised s

SilentNightDancer · 01/02/2023 05:03

Posted too soon.

I'm surprised so many people seem to get hassled over having kids. I didn't get pregnant until I was in my very late 30s and didn't get any hassle about it at all. Most people didn't actually care.

Occasionally someone would ask 'do you want kids?' and I would say 'not sure - maybe someday' and that would be the end of the conversation.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I always find it interesting how so many women seem to get grief about it, as it was just never my experience. Perhaps living in London makes a difference - lots of women either start families late or don't have children at all.

horriblechristmas2022 · 01/02/2023 05:23

@LadyJ2023
Gosh, there is something about how you describe your life and your aunts that is just really unpleasant and smug
Utterly ghastly