To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

I'm 46 and child free by choice. Have never regretted it for a single second and am 100% sure it was the right choice for me.

Threads like this are always uniform in their response. Just like people who have had children, very few who chose not to are willing to admit they wish they'd decided differently. I think this is what data analysts call a 'self-selecting sample'.

Just turned 50, no kids, no fertility treament, no regrets.

I was always fairly ambivalent, but I knew my husband was top dad material and couldn't really see a good reason not to, so we did try for a while. When it became apparent that I had PCOS and wasn't ovulating and fertility treatment was likely the only route, we didn't do that.

We didn't want our sex-life to become about "failure" rather than joy, didn't want to spend the next decade chasing something we didn't and might never have rather than enjoying what we did have and planning and building a different kind of life. Went straight back on the pill. Still blissfully happily married, love our lives and wouldn't change a thing.

On the other hand, I do have friends who could simply not have accepted not trying every single thing possible to have a child, and even those who ended up childless needed to have known they tried everything. Only you can know yourself what to do.

No but I've never wanted them

Have you ever thought about adoption? Maybe these 2 boys do exist and are waiting for you.

I chose not to have kids.
Had a rare virus attack my spine which meant it was incredibly high risk to me if i fell pregnant. I was sterilised at 33 had to jump through hoops.
I was told after the opi had endometriosis i am now due a full hysterectomy end of march. I am lucky as i never felt maternal and never wanted them anyway. I am 40 same say as my op. Don't regret it.

The worst part was people making me feel i wasn't normal for not wanting children

@Pssspsss I'm so glad things worked out for you and you clearly adore your child, I do love it when there's an IVF success story for anyone desperate to conceive.

But I wonder if your comment I just wanted to share that because I wanted to show that IVF treatment can also be very positive xxx - your experience was positive because it worked. (Thankfully).

I've had friends completely breakdown over failed IVF. It's certainly not an easy process on any level, and while having a positive mental attitude to IVF is to be admired, encouraged and supported, sadly its not enough to guarantee success. The facts sadly show that the vast majority of IVF treatments fail to deliver a live birth.

Choosing not to go through this invasive, exhausting process is a valid and understandable choice.

Wow. Thank you for making me see it differently 🌻

Actually there are quite often people on the ‘Did you regret having children?’ threads who admit they wouldn’t choose it again. Less so the other way round, perhaps in part because pretty much everyone with children had at least some pre-child life, whereas imagining the life with children that you never had is a more difficult mental feat. I’ve certainly found actually being a parent very different to what it looked like when watching others do it.

But I’m also happy to say I’m quite sure if I’d chosen not to have a child I’d have been equally fulfilled. I had 20 odd very good years of adulthood without feeling anything lacking. And m he same person. I didn’t suddenly start seeing the world in Technicolour or anything.

Hi @RubyPip

Thank you for you response

Absolutely I agree that choosing NOT to proceed with IVF is a perfectly acceptable and valid choice. I think even we could have afforded private IVF we probably wouldn’t have chosen to proceed with further treatment after the birth of our child.

I also agree that for some women it’s not a pleasant experience whether it be side effects/stress/the cycle failing etc. There’s a number of reasons all individual to each case.

The reason I wanted to share my experience of IVF is that a few comments previous to mine regarding IVF demonstrated that for some women it isn’t that positive experience that I had. Therefore I wanted to add some balance. It wasn’t just solely positive because I had a successful pregnancy but also the whole process was fantastically straightforward & uncomplicated. No side effects no worries no stress etc even with other health issues that I have so it was very much overall a positive experience from start to finish.

I understand that I probably am in the minority though. I remember having a clear vision when I went for my embryo replacement that of the 6 of us waiting that day the statistics were that probably only one of us was going to have a live birth. It’s incredibly sobering and while I feel incredibly grateful, I also do wonder how those ladies went on with their journey and I hope whatever life had in store for them they are all okay, which is why at the end of my post I acknowledged that I understand and appreciate that not everyone has the overall positive experience I had. Xx

@notetakerforlife yes we did, had two fresh cycles followed by four attempts at frozen embryo transfer, only the last of which got to the transfer stage, followed by a further fresh cycle. Was told after that there was no point in trying anymore with my own eggs as had premature ovarian failure. My experience of IVF was horrific. I don’t want to put you off if you are really desperate to try it, and some people do seem to breeze through it. Good luck and best wishes whatever you decide.

DH couldn't without assistance.
I wouldn't.

Quite happy with our non-parent status.

Assistance being IVF.

Mr Wine is 9 years older than me and we got married when we were 34 and 43 respectively. We talked about kids before we got married and for various reasons, not least because of age and me being not particularly maternal, we decided against.

I would be lying if I said I had never regretted it. We've been able to do what we want, when we wanted to, never had to worry about child care etc but when I see my friends with children and also the relationship that my brother and sister in law have with their boys I do have a pang. We do have a great relationship with our nephews and also our friends children and grandchildren so we feel we have the good bits without the angst!

one of my nephews once described me as 'Aunty Wine who drives Uncle Wine's car too fast and drinks too much gin'. I can live with that!

one of my nephews once described me as 'Aunty Wine who drives Uncle Wine's car too fast and drinks too much gin'. I can live with that!
sounds perfect to me

I know this question wasn't aimed at me. But I'm not really sure when people with no DC say that they take joy in spontaneous things and self care, like having DC is a death sentence and you can do nothing fun for the rest of your life. That simply isn't true. My DH and I do things together, and although I am busy, my life is in no way compromised by my children, it's enhanced. I'm perplexed as to why people think having children compromises happiness, it's a great laugh and will hopefully continue to create joy for the rest of my life.

Hi OP. No children and not one regret. I had a miscarriage at 28, was 8 weeks pregnant. We were upset at the time, but never conceived again.
I was philosophical about it, if it happens it happens, but to be honest I never really had a strong urge for kids. I just assumed we would have them.
To be honest it's quite upsetting when I hear family and friends constantly moaning about their kids, on here too.
We have a great life, our money is our own, no worries we travel and can be selfish and sometimes lazy. It's all great for us anyway.
I do believe though, that if you are not completely sure then don't.

I'm not really sure when people with no DC say that they take joy in spontaneous things and self care, like having DC is a death sentence and you can do nothing fun for the rest of your life.

I don't think anyone has said that - obviously much will depend on the age of the DC and what sort of support network you have. But when they are young it is likely to restrict spontaneity - you couldn't stay out all night on a whim and spend all the next day in bed if you had toddlers, for instance.

I'm 44 and don't think I've ever had the slightest desire to have children so no regrets here. I like my lifestyle and the fact I have to work less hard to be able to pay for it than I would if I had to pay for kids too.

I get on well with my nephews and don't dislike having them for a weekend or so, but am always glad I can give them back.

Because for some of us, having children is a miserable prospect that is anathema to how we want to live?

people find joy in different things. Someone not enjoying something that you do isn’t a reflection on your choices or your happiness.

Be careful about saying anything positive about being a parent on this thread or the pitchforks will be out!

Maybe people put forward their positives and what they enjoy since they are talking to someone with fertility issues?
This is like popping up on thread about divorces and talking about how your marriage is happy and working great... No, you shush unless you can talk about your divorce, name some positives and yes, negatives as well. But otherwise you shush.

On another note, reading mumsnet is quite a good contraceptive because it does sometimes sound like a death sentence🤷🏻 "Can't go to friend's party in 3 months because I can't get childcare" and so on... Of course people will put the fact they can do things spontaneously as a positive of their life.

I can see why my family member didn't want to talk about their fertility issues much. Because someone always chimes in with parenthood being such a joy and so on.

Rightfully so since the topic of the thread is not "hey tell me about your joyous bundles"🙄

It's tough OP. And the endless soul searching and "what ifs" are part of that

I had two rounds of IUI (unsuccessful) and one round of IVF (also unsuccessful). This was on the NHS. We could have continued if we'd budgeted but I was done. I had zero hope of ever being successful - we were both late 30s and I could see that exH's heart wasn't really in it.

It does get me quite a lot - that I have no children, no family within 200 miles, no nativities, first steps, first words, will have no grandchildren. My nephews and niece like me when I'm around then but I don't really feature much on their radar to be honest. And it definitely contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

However I've made peace with it. I think of how hard the last few years have been, with my divorce and lockdowns and I shudder to think of how it would have been with young children. I've been able to move on much more easily and am a relationship with a man who has teenagers who I'm good friends with.

The thing with children is you just can't know. You read enough threads on here by women who are aghast at how their lives are panning out once there are children in the mix. You can't give them back!

For my personally, deciding to stop meant I can't like I had some control of the situation, and that it was a decision we had made. I don't regret not doing more cycles.

Agreed. Winds me right up (gets my bingo card ticked off tho).