To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

@notetakerforlife I just don't have the desire for a mini me, so to speak, that and plus you can invest years, with them and sometimes get little return on investment, which also makes it a big risk.

@whumpthereitis I think you just made my point for me.

I think it was the day after my son was born I realised I was not meant to be a mother. Almost three years in and it has been the toughest three years of my life so far. My mental health is dreadful. I keep telling myself it will get easier but it hasn't yet.

I know that, and I wasn't going to comment initially because the title wasn't relevant to me and so just read out of interest. But when I read comment after comment shitting on parenthood then I just felt compelled to say it can sometimes look rough from the outside but it is absolutely not.

I don't obviously care what people do with their own lives - I can see why people stay child free, I understand some people are and it wasn't their choice, and I can see why people choose to have children. I've been lucky enough to have a 10 year marriage with lots of travel, alcohol, fancy meals, etc before kids and I know I will get that again some day soon. That's a great life and I totally get why people continue with that for their whole life! I've seen both sides.

What I don't appreciate is people who do not have children gleefully saying 'it's a death sentence' 'more cons than pros' 'miserable' 'defensive for a reason' 'annoying' and many more in this thread alone when you haven't walked in the other person's shoes! Live and let live ffs! Our choices are our own.

So yes, I chipped in and so have some others.

@backoftheplane thank you your post really resonates and is how I've been feeling it's a very similar situation

Still keep going... Stop digging

@Anchorwanker I feel the same which is why I think should I quit while ahead as I'm not desperate for a baby like some are, I'm not willing to sacrifice anything for it and actually am still ambivalent despite the ferocity struggles

Also if OP had exhausted every avenue then obviously people would not be 'rubbing noses in it' if thats how it appears...but from her post OP hasn't yet had any assistance with fertility so there is still every chance she may have success if she chose to go down that route and that's probably why people are jumping on to 'defend' parenting

Just stop.
No one asked parents about joys of parenting, no one mentioned death sentence before a parent, and no one moaned about miserablness until you jumped in with post where
you were incredibly insensitive which fair play you admitted, but just stop.

Op can read about joys of parenthood everywhere, getting other opinions doesn't mean parents must jump in like this. It's as I said like going on thread about divorce and boasting about your beautiful marriage.

Op was interested in opinions from people without children. By definition that is not parents, even happy parents (spelling it out just in case because obviously it needs to be 🤷🏻). It's like a freaking cult "but, but, but the joy!". 'twas not the topic...
"Can I ask people who do not wear sandals, which I can't wear unless I have difficult medical treatment which I don't know if I want...."
"Oh I love sandals, I have 17 pairs! You need some, the breeze on toes is amazing"
See how it sounds.... Ridiculous.

It's up to OP to decide what she wants to do, which information and opinions she seeks in each stage of decision, and as I said I hope she finds peace in whatever decision.

@K83atie83 sorry to hear about your troubles with health but I completely agree - it's others making you feel like an outcast that's the issue.

It really is society - and also the worry of what friendship circles I'd be part of because my mates have literally disappeared since having kids. It's very very sad

@SoIAmGlad many people say they feel they would have had an equally fulfilled life without children so why did you have them? I'm not being sarcastic genuinely curious as what's the point if you'd have been happy without? Or just as happy without?

@Franticbutterfly I think the experience changes depending mainly on two things;

Support network

Financials

If you have money to pay babysitters for date night or family to take them then it wouldn't feel like death sentence but not everyone has this,

If you're a single parents and there's no dad around you are literally stuck day in day out with the child

@eloquentsilence I'm sorry to hear you felt this so soon after birth. Did you feel like this before getting pregnant or were you excited/maternal?

100% the main problem is other people

I don't mind them describe to me in detail why they chose to have children.

People treat you like a freak if you dare say kids aren't for you. I don't even really like kids or babies. I love my nieces and nephews to bits but do i feel like I'm missing out? Hell no
Thank you for your kind words x

I'm not on here saying anything about 'the joys of parenting'? I've just said is it possible at all to state your experiences without shitting on parenting, then gave examples of actual phrases used in this thread by people 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm not here to promote it at all - it's not for everyone! I get that! More and more people are choosing to be child free now, and I SO respect that. That was almost me too. Just why tear the 'other side' down, it is unnecessary. The bitter sarcasm on here is something else

(Also I get that my deleted post had a gushy example of why its not all cons, but the main point of that post was that no-one can truly see it from all perspectives so its hard for OP to be able to get advice on the matter)

Although at times i struggle when i am out with a huge group of mums.

Sounds awful but i couldn't care less about xyz potty training, sleeping through and all the other stuff mums talk about. I get it though they are all mums. I'm not so don't level with them in that way. Does it make me feel left out? Yes. Does it make me regret my choice no.

Do i enjoy making people feel like a cunt when they ask me why i have no children and i tell them i can't? Yes

I've had two previous miscarriages. Sounds horrible to say but I'm glad otherwise right now i could be permanently disabled or worse. Plus my ex was a violent bully who I'd probably still be stuck with now with said (unwanted) kids

I've just said is it possible at all to state your experiences without shitting on parenting, then gave examples of actual phrases used in this thread by people 🤦🏼‍♀️

No one did until you appeared.
That's me done, because it's taking away from what OP wanted to know.

I really also didn't mean to derail this as OP is getting useful info now so I'm going to step back now. Packing up my shovel 🙃

This is absolutely the same as I felt when I was deciding whether to have IVF or not.

For me personally, realising I wasn't willing to sacrifice "anything/everything" to have a baby was a light bulb moment.

Friends who have gone through IVF described a very strong "No matter what, I'll go through hell if I need to" motivation, that I just didn't have.

It's not black and white though, I do still get moments of wondering what if. What kind of mum I'd be, what they'd be like, etc. But overall I do love my life and I get far more moments of thinking think god I don't have any!

thank god 🙄😂

Honestly, I’d just finished a book, DH had just finished work on a big event, and we hit a mood of mild curiosity at the same moment just before I turned 40. We could have moved to Pakistan or retrained as glass blowers, but we had a baby. It wasn’t out of a sense of anything missing.

Oh good god another one 🙄

You’re still here? Tell me, do you also go onto threads about people complain about money being tight and talk about how lovely having money is?

Then piss off somewhere else, not everything is for you and has to be to your liking.

And you can’t book a weekend away on a whim, or go on holiday exactly when you like, or spend all day reading a book or mumsnetting, or stay in bed/on the sofa coddling yourself when you feel unwell.