To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

I didn't chose to remain childfree, but rather I just never made the choice to have children if that makes sense. I just never had the urge. I've never regretted it.

I never wanted children, even as a child. I sort of always knew it wasn't for me. As I got older, I realised I wasn't psychologically suited as I knew every hurt or pain any child of mine felt, I'd feel it magnified.

I've watched family and friends raise their families, and been an integral part of that as auntie or adopted-auntie. I've witnessed the joy of parenthood and the process of creating emotionally healthy adults.

However, I've also seen the emotional (and physical) pains caused to the same family/friends as a result of parenthood.

I have never regretted my nature/decision, and I truly appreciate the freedom being childfree has brought me in terms of finance, spontaniety and time.

I'm sure you'll reach the correct decision for you.

There is no answer tbh. I nearly didn’t have children as loved my career. Then went onto have 3. I’m not a great mum as I’m always working during office hours so not as present as I feel I should be. I finish work and straight into tea, bath, homework, cookery prep, pe kits, water bottles etc. I adore each and every one of these ungrateful people. Now they are older and can be left me an dh are having the best time out and about, nights away. If I knew then what I know now I’m not sure tbh 🤷🏼‍♂️

Hi OP. I was in a bad marriage until I left when I was mid 30's, and we never had children (pretty soon after saying "I do", I knew I'd made a helluva mistake in marrying my ex husband and wasn't about to compound the issue by having a child with him)...

After I left I spent some time thinking about whether or not having kids was something I wanted moving forwards. Ultimately, the decision for me was that I was 'open' to the idea if I met a really great guy, which didn't happen. At the time, freezing my eggs was something I did look into. In the end, I decided to let things unfold on their own, without any medical intervention, and a couple of years back had a strong sense, can't really describe it, but a sort of 'knowing' that it just wasn't part of my future. I shed a tear or two, quite literally then acceptance rapidly followed.

I'm now almost 42, and personally I feel relieved I've not had them (have since also met a GREAT guy, and the compatibility is there, and he can't stand the little crotch goblins!).

Lots of close friends have had kids late 30's/ early 40's, and as far as I can tell, do not regret their decision, including some who needed medical assiatance. I also have friends who like me, are either no longer interested or have never been interested, and instead are really content to have the benefits of being child free.

It's such an achingly personal choice. What does your gut say?

Just to add, it's totally OK to no longer want them. It sounds like you're perhaps stuck in that uncomfortable limbo land of figuring out whether you want to continue to invest in aiming for something that perhaps isn't as strong a pull, as it once was?

If you were to try IVF and it works, does your instinct tell you that you will feel joy, or have you started to move past that and now envisage a life where you can do things you perhaps wouldn't be able to do with a little one in tow?

None of us who are child free can know if our lives would be 'better', having had one, but what I will say as someone without them, I have no regrets. Love my freedom and hobbies far too much!

That said, I have one friend in particular who initially wasn't ever keen, but her husband wanted them, and mid 30's she felt like it was something she could be open to... she's now got 2 and adores being a mum!

I say listen to what your heart is truly saying here.

Good luck OP xx

I’m childfree & in my 40s. I’ve had an abortion and a miscarriage in the last 5 years after ending up accidentally pregnant and both times it was certainly a feeling of relief afterwards.

I think I’d be an ok mother, I don’t think my husband would be a very engaged father, but we could probably cope. I can’t see how I could carry on with my job if I had a child (although people obviously do, I’m cabin crew) and we could get by with one income but life would be harder. We have a lovely life now. We go for weekends away whenever we like, we are very self indulgent. I’m genuinely so happy with our life. We have so much time and freedom.

Mostly, I know I couldn’t cope if i had a child and something happened to it. I’d worry constantly, every single day that something awful would befall them. I’m not mentally robust enough

The only thing I’m regretful about is robbing my parents of grandchildren as they would’ve been excellent.

The thing is OP that no one can ever know if they've made the right decision or not. Someone child free might be missing out on something positive. But they might have dodged really struggling with being a parent and regrettinf having kids and resenting all the inevitable sacrifices. You will never know how the other path will have gone.

I think in the main, few people absolutely love or hate having children or having a child free life. Most people recognise there are positives and negatives to both, which in a lot of cases, probably balance each other out (as studies show people with children arent actually happier overall). And most people just muddle through and make the best of things.

Sorry I'm not sure that helped at all. Just I am like you and feel weighed down by indecision sometimes and I think maybe if I stepped back and realised that in the grand scheme of things, the decision I'm working on at the time might not be the be all and end all of future happiness and I'll be ok regardless, might take the pressure off a bit

No regrets. Never had the slightest twinge of maternal longing, only an aversion to having them. It’s not for me, and I’ve never felt anything other than comfortable in being aware of that.

I don’t think it’s wise to live life in fear of regret. There’s always the possibility you’ll regret the path chosen, and there’s no safeguard against that. Fear of regret can paralyse you, and stop you from embracing living at all.

there is no one universal to happiness

I made the decision years ago that I didn’t want children and do not regret my decision. In fact, as time has gone on, I’m immensely glad I made the decision I did.

No regrets at all. In fact, it's a huge relief, as I see so many of my friends still stressing about their (perfectly competent) adult children. Instead, I can look forward to a peaceful retirement. I also know that I won't be tapped up to look after grandchildren 😂

It's interesting reading about everyone's journeys. We never considered IVF, we were both older when we got together so that was against it in that respect.
Somehow I never really envisaged giving birth and looking after a baby but I felt I could have a lot to give a child having been a step mum to two teens for some years. So we looked into adoption. It certainly isn't for everyone and certainly isn't an 'easy option'. After some years we adopted a boy and girl aged 3.5yrs and 20 months. It's definitely the best thing we ever did. They have given meaning to my life. 17 years on it has definitely been a struggle, they both turned out to have ADHD and Autism but the smallest achievement is so gratifying. Love them both to bits but life sure isn't dull!

I've seen people go through IVF and it's brutal, mentay, physically and financially draining. It's something you have to be sure about and if you're not then I wouldn't do it.

It sounds like you need some time to think about it long and hard and discuss the pros and cons etc

If you decide not to then that is the right decision for you, don't let anyone tell you you'll miss out on X Y and Z, they aren't the ones brining that potential child up

The month before I got married a long time ago, my lovely Dad came down with a devastating, incurable degenerative disease. To cut along story short, I then decided I wouldn't have children as I couldn't look after my Dad and have children and work. My husband (to be) was fine with this and understood. We moved into the very wild and rural area where my parents were and I settled into married life, worked from home and looked after my Dad for 14 years until he died. I never regretted my decision - I did absolutely the right thing for him.

But - now my Dad is gone and my mother is very old, I don't know what it is, but I dream about my children even though I don't have any. Two boys. One day they just appeared in my dreams, fully formed in their personalities. They are real people in my dreams then I wake up and of-course, they don't exist. It's very odd. Is it regret? I don't know, but if so, it's on a subconscious level. I wish they are real. I feel like I love these ghosts.

I feel so much for anyone who wants children and can't have them. For me, it was a choice I had to make.

I like kids and assumed I would one day have them but I never met anyone in my prime child-having years and didn't feel broody, so that wasn't an issue. In my 50s now and about to marry a wonderful man with adult children. I've never felt wistful about not having children of my own. I feel very content.

Poster asks for comments from people who regretting not having children. A whole pile of people respond saying that don't regret it. Can people not read? Or do they think their story is so interesting that they are going to tell it anyway?

From the OP:

“Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.“

“I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?“

We can read just fine. Those that have regretted not having children were not the only ones invited to respond.

Poster asks for comments from people who regretting not having children.

No, she didn't request comments exclusively from those who regret not having children.

Can people not read?

Yes, we can.

Thanks you for responses these are all very interesting reflections and makes me think, it appears not having children doesn't leave regret. Just in my experience it seems having them comparing this to other threads has the biggest potential for regret?

To clarify, I was looking for replies from anyone who doesn't haven't children irrespective whether they regret it or not that's what I wanted to know - whether or not they do!

I also ideally wanted to hear mainly from those who tried but couldn't - is there a regret in not pursuing fertility treatment

I was ambivalent until I met the right partner in crime. We always needed fertility treatment due to male factor. It turned into a much longer and challenging journey than I had expected. We eventually had ds and are so very, very grateful. If life permitted we would have another but looks like he will be an only for various reasons.

I'm childfree by choice and I've never regretted it. There are many positives to being childfree just as there are to being a parent. I do know a couple who tried for DC for several years and in the end their only real chance was IVF but they turned it down- they didn't want to go through the pain and expense of it incase it didn't work and they felt more bereft after. I hope you come to a decision you can be happy with Op

Wow, that was a noble thing you did. Your father was lucky to have such a daughter.

Hi OP,

mid 40s and no kids. Don’t regret it.
My friends group is a mixed bag : no kids/no regrets, no kid/regrets, kids/no regrets and kids/regrets.

I’m close to all of the kids in my family & friends circle and very much the go to when they need an outside grown up.

The one common thing I see with all the ones who have kids that makes me know I made the right choice for me is how much the female partner in every scenario has to sacrifice and how much of the load falls to them. The lives of the men in each scenario don’t seem to be as deeply changed or sacrificing.
I am too selfish to be that selfless and happy with it!

Each and every day I am happy for my choice to remain childfree. I'm 60.
Pleasant career, serene old cottage with fantastic garden, lovely dogs, creative/artistic travel, time to volunteer, money to donate to worthy causes, secure retirement nest egg and plenty of travel.

My only "regret" is that strangers or distant cousins will end up with my jewelry, lol.

Nope, not for a second. I love being child free.

My friends seem to feel a bit sorry for me, thinking I'm missing out.

But I don't feel like I'm missing out at all. I'm not envious of people with children.

Hi, sorry you’ve gone through so much already. I do have one child but suffered secondary infertility and was unable to have a 2nd. I did try IVF but was unsuccessful. I do think you can get on to a vicious cycle when doing IvF as you think ‘maybe next time it will work’.

Would you give yourself a break for a few months, no trying and no thinking about about a baby and revisit your decision then.

it’s a massive decision to make.

For me personally I do have regrets about not having a 2nd and regrets on not giving it more attention at the time, I assumed it would happen at some stage but sadly now too old.

Having a child is not the be all and end all but I do think If you have a small want for a child you should explore all options so that you do not live with the regret.

I had to grieve not having a 2nd child and still have a teary day but my only child has a good life.

whatever you decide you will need to accept it and move on with your life. There’s no right and wrong, just remember that there will be a cut off time wise on trying.

best of luck x

Honestly I think it’s hard, if not impossible, to determine which path has the biggest potential for regret. It’s very much dependent on the individual, and people can change their minds.

also, stating regret for not having children is generally far more acceptable than regretting having children. Even though, largely thanks to the internet, regretting the choice to have children is now more discussed (for example, the regretful parents subreddit), it’s still taboo.