To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

I actually had the same sort of lightbulb moment, stopping IVF was a huge relief when I realised I wasn’t prepared to carry on and on and wasn’t interested in donor eggs or adoption and certainly not surrogacy.

There is huge pressure from society to do whatever it takes to become a mother and, IMO, a stigma around stopping treatment or not starting it. Accepting childlessness and embracing it is a valid option but you really wouldn’t think so.

'There is huge pressure from society to do whatever it takes to become a mother and, IMO, a stigma around stopping treatment or not starting it. Accepting childlessness and embracing it is a valid option but you really wouldn’t think so.'

Very well said. It's like your story is only valid if you have slogged your guts out and martyred yourself in the pursuit of motherhood. That's pronatalism for you. It's not really acceptable to say some version of 'kids are not the be all and end all, and actually I just didn't want to put myself through hell'

There is such peace to be found in just deciding to step off the merry-go-round - not instantly, but over time. And as others have said, some degree of regret / wistfulness/ ambivalence about the whole thing is very normal

So well expressed, whumpthereitis. Wise words.

Yes. That’s when you see the real feeling. The “I have no regrets” facade drops pretty quickly…

Or, people think it's pretty insensitive on a thread about infertility to wax lyrical about being a mother and to call women expressing their own minds a "facade"? Just a thought.

There is huge pressure from society to do whatever it takes to become a mother and, IMO, a stigma around stopping treatment or not starting it. Accepting childlessness and embracing it is a valid option but you really wouldn’t think so.'

Absolutely.

With hindsight and the benefit of time, I'm so glad to be childfree, now I've lifted that societal pressure away. It's important to remember you can live a happy, fulfilled life - I feel very privileged and lucky.

Another example of society pressure pp mentioned above. And inability to understand some women are happy without doing what women are told (usually by other women) they simply must do.

The lack of self awareness of some posters with kids here is astounding and surprised even me tbh

The lack of self awareness of some posters with kids here is astounding and surprised even me tbh

I agree, though I don't know if they're genuine posters to be honest. Best ignored! If genuine, and they feel they must post on a thread with no relevance to themselves, you have to wonder why they clicked on it in the first place. A sense of wistful regret from their side, perhaps?!

Same. So many people told me I'd regret it. I didn't even like children when I was a child. I'm not about to start liking them now.

These posts are quite mad. Children aren’t a separate species, they’re just young human beings — blanket claims of ‘not liking them’ make about as much sense as claiming you don’t like women, or people aged between 20 and 35.

It’s a separate matter, and obviously an entirely legitimate one, not to want to conceive and raise a child.

These comments, both very well articulated

I'm not in the same position, but just another perspective to add about regretting potentially not having a second child.

I met DH young and we spent years agonising over whether to have children. We had a good life, travelling extensively and building our careers.

Crunch time hit in our late thirties. We finally saw that we both came from happy families, loved our parents and saw that our friends and families enjoyed having children. We decided to try for a child naturally, but agreed that if it didn't happen we would not go down the IVF route. After the best part of a year of trying (at the point I started to think it wouldn't happen) we conceived and had a happy and healthy baby. The baby is now a toddler and is easily the best decision I have ever made.

I would dearly love a second child, but I'm now the other side of 40 and I accept that it may not happen. If it doesn't, I do regret the time I spent umming and aahing about starting a family and I regret potentially leaving it too late to have another one.

That said, I'm not prepared to do IVF. IVF doesn't have great results for women in their 40s; it would take time and focus away from my existing child and I would have to go private anyway.

Had I not had my child, I think I would have been very happy with my childfree life. But comparing my life now with the life I was living at 38, I prefer my life now. It's definitely not an easier life - but I do prefer it.

Of course, I envisage a happy, healthy second child. A second child with additional needs would be a very different experience.

OP, you're in the tricky phase as there is an element of choice/decisions to be made.

In time you may be able to make peace with not having kids especially once it no longer becomes an option, if you see what I mean.

Far easier at that point to be happy with your decision as the alternative is no longer an option and you just don't have to think about it anymore. It becomes easier to visualise a child free future.

All the best with whatever you decide.

OP I would add to my previous post - the only downside to being child free is the sheer number of people (mostly women) as per PPs who refuse to believe I am happy and content with my choice and go all out to try to get me to ‘break’ and admit I’m really miserable and envy them.

As a PP said, they think it’s all a ruse and the happy ‘facade’ drops as soon as I am alone.

I’ve had everything from sad face, to guessing why I don’t have them (there must be a tragic reason, head tilt) to sheer outrage.

I don’t quiz people on why they chose to have children and push for personal info to get them to agree my lifestyle choices are superior, so I wish they’d show me the same courtesy.

As some posts on that thread have shown - they just cannot butt out!

Much older person here, but trying to help as I have a daughter going through exactly this decision at the moment. I know she'd really like me to advise her, but all I can do is offer both sides of the argument (I tend to be a rather black and white thinker!).

I was struck by a PP saying that she knew how much any pain a child experienced would be magnified for her, which is one of the reasons that she decided against becoming a mother. This is very true! I love my daughter so much, but occasionally think how much less emotional pain my life would contain if I'd remained childless (and she's gorgeous, and hasn't had anything go hugely wrong in her life - just the usual ups and downs). However, if she wasn't in my life I would never have experienced the all-consuming love that motherhood (in my case) brings. And for me there is something comforting in the knowledge that, when my life ends, she (please God!) will go on.

'I’ve had everything from sad face, to guessing why I don’t have them (there must be a tragic reason, head tilt) to sheer outrage.'

It's just unhinged, isn't it? Women not having children really pushes some interesting buttons for some people. I'm sure you know this already, but it's ONE HUNDRED PERCENT about them, and not really about you. You're fine 🙂

Don't forget the "hm, ok", narrowing eyes and suspicious face like if you just said you skin people for a hobby in the evening when you say you just never felt the urge😂

Oh I know! It’s been so long now that I laugh it off. I was recently told by an older relative that I am an embarrassment for not having children and that I would be a burden on the care system when I was old because I had been ‘too selfish’ to have children.
My reply that I am planning on retiring to a hot country with a good, payable care system was met with pure rage.

But I feel angry at how younger me was made to feel.
How it must feel for people who have struggled, to have to share painful experiences just to shut them up.
Or for women who aren’t enjoying motherhood and having to keep it to themselves because they’d be run out of town with pitchforks by the same lot.

No woman is diminished by not having children any more than any woman is better for having them. There’s room for all experiences.

Nah. Maybe about 1 in 20 on the 'do you regret having children' threads but the firm consensus is always 'of course not, it's tough but I love them to bits, etc etc'.

And I get it. It's a huge thing to admit.

I don’t regret missing out the experience of raising children. Absolutely nothing about it appeals to me. I hate noise and stress, so parenting would have been a nightmare. I’m also profoundly introverted. If I’d had kids, we’d have had to move onto an estate somewhere, which would have meant having people on top of me, and being drawn into neighbour’s lives - other kids in and out, their parents coming round to pick them up, etc. Then there is the fear of something happening to them. It would have terrified me to see them go out to play, to send them to school (especially when I think of my own hellish school days), watch them struggle with bullying, money, loneliness, relationships, crap jobs, etc.

The one thing that frightens me is growing old alone. I dread becoming ill or dependent or bed-bound. Ideally, I’d like to reach my 80s in good health, fall asleep in front of the TV one night, and die suddenly. Of course, by the time I reach my 80s, the combination of climate change, overpopulation and mass migration will have probably wrecked everything. In which case it will be a good thing I have no children or grandchildren to worry about.

Not your target audience as I've got one DD.

I'm glad I have her and I love her but my life has changed beyond all recognition. Relationship a mess, MH took a battering for years as I had post partum psychosis and I'm not sure the underlying depression will ever go away completely. I worry about DD constantly. Career won't progress as I have to do all school runs etc. My relationships with in laws and parents have deteriorated as I am not the person they thought I was (and vice versa). Basically, life would have been much more peaceful childfree.

I know loads of friends who are childfree or childless. Their lives look so relaxing, they have lots of time, and fun to be around and can live their lives the way they want to.
We are still only late 30s, but from talking to them it seems they definitely do not regret not having children.

I was ambivalent about having children myself. I enjoyed a carefree hedonistic lifestyle before DD and I miss it. It was hard to give up. For PP who say you don't have to give things up when you have children, maybe you don't if you have a great support network and helpful partner. Some don't.

Don't feel you have to have children, especially if you are on the fence.
It's a hard journey and on balance from the people I know, those without are happier.

I clicked on it because my way of using mumsnet is to go on the 'active' page once every few days and open every single thread that is currently on there and read them all 🤷‍♀️ particularly good late at night when all sorts of topic arise. There was actually a very good IVF one that cropped up at the same time which I wish I could link - had lots of lived experiences of people who had gone through it or chosen not to. About a mum who was concerned about her daughter - might be searchable!

Found it:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4731796-just-not-convinced-that-dd-doesnt-want-children?page=1

OP might find it useful - lots of very honest opinions of IVF and quite a lot of negative ones actually which was interesting as I've only heard positive ones amongst people I know so it gave a wider perspective ❤️

Unbefuckingleavable, I have no reported the poster because this is starting to feel like not genuine and more like trolling