To ask if you regret NOT having children?

[notetakerforlife]

Posting here for traffic.

Looking for responses from those who either chose not to or ideally chose not to pursue fertility help when it didn't happen naturally.

It hasn't happened naturally now for four years and I just don't know if I can go on. Don't know if I want to go on - not sue if having kids will even bring me the joy that is expected.

I'm really not looking for advice here mainly people that have lived through this experience and decided not to do IVF - have you regretted it?

I'm asking because I'm really not sure whether to go through it but worried about the regret later.

So I'm looking for experience responses thanks in advance

Good post, @DrinkFeckArseBrick. I had always planned not to have children, then decided to ttc and had my DS at 40. I adore him and have no regrets, either for having him, or having him quite late, but I do also feel very strongly that my life would have been equally good had I remained childfree, just differently so.

No kids, no regrets.

We looked into adoption and surrogacy a few years back (same-sex couple) but ultimately couldn’t quite get over the feeling that while we thought we wanted it, we didn’t want it enough. (It probably didn’t help that we encountered some awful homophobic attitudes, as well as some horrid ‘second-best’ sniffiness from certain quarters about adopting.)

As soon as we vocalised that feeling, it felt like the right decision. And, a dozen years later, it was definitely the right one.

It’s worth mentioning that by the ‘right decision’, I don’t mean it was instant joy and rainbows. There was relief, a sense of peace, and a feeling of rightness, for sure. But there were also more mixed feelings to work through. If not regret, then perhaps a mild sense of uncertainty prompted by that course-correction. It was like suddenly realising you’re driving down a totally different road to the one you thought you were on; it’s a different and unfamiliar place, but you’re still driving the car, and there are still beautiful things outside if you look out of the window.

Never.

Childfree by choice, pushing 40. Have never wanted children, ever (so appreciate our circs are different).

Zero regrets. DH also chose at a young age not to have children and had the snip shortly before we were married. We have a really full life, full of love and laughter (and quiet!). If I had my time again I would make the same decision.

Apologies, you are right and I have requested for it to be deleted.

@Firsttimemum120

Yuck

Did you actually read the part where the OP is struggling it did you just pop on to be incredibly smug ?

I don't feel your opinion here is particularly relevant or kind

Also the defensiveness is not a sign of something else 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

@KimberleyClark did you go down IVF route if so how many cycles did you do?

I have 2 new friends who have only been around since my children became adults and left home. Both have no children . They both said that when their friends had children they found it very hard not to be part of the 'club' but their relationships didn't lead to a family.It got easier when those children were teens and hard work but now those children are adults and their friends are becoming grannies they are finding it very hard again. I have become a granny very recently. One of my new friends said "I would kill to be a granny". If you aren't a parent you can't be a granny. You need to weigh up every aspect of being childless before you close the door.My brother never wanted children ( too much of a faff) . He was a brilliant uncle once they reached 10 or so and he could do things with them that he enjoyed. He would love to have adult sons but he didn't want the hard work that leads up to that.

We would have liked to have kids, but we decided against for a number of reasons. Now way too old and we still would have liked to have had kids, but we focus on the positives of which there are plenty!

We chose not to pursue anymore IVF after our two free NHS rounds.

Similar to another poster, I left my first marriage early-thirties (so grateful for no children with him!!). Met my now-husband at 35 and due to age we did start trying quite early on in our relationship. Nothing happened for two years, we received two free cycles and results from both were rubbish. (Our diagnosis was 'unexplained infertility').

I had spent hours on infertility boards on Mumsnet, and even had WhatsApp groups with people going through treatment, and all throughout it really struck me how indifferent I was to the process than everyone else. Other women seemed so terribly sad, and so desperate to have a child. It was all-consuming for them and their lives really did seem to be completely on hold until it happened.

For me, there was always a sense that I was going down the road because it was there, and because I should at least try, but I took huge pleasure in my life as it was. I am quite a maternal person but I have never felt that longing broodiness that so many do. For that I am very grateful as I witnessed it make so many people utterly miserable.

After the two rounds had failed we had to decide whether to pursue any more or not. That was definitely the worst part as the clinic encouraged us to, and well-meaning friends love to tell you about all the people they know who got pregnant on their tenth round or whatever. For us, we kept kicking the can down the road until suddenly it's 5 years later, we're early 40s, and clearly it's just never going to happen.

It's so much easier now that our friends are past the stage of exciting pregnancy announcements and all the territory that goes with it in your 30s. Now they are all knackered and stressed and have to plan a simple weekend outing 3 months in advance because of the kids' football/dance/custody arrangements.

I am sure if we had had children that we would have been happy and been excellent parents, but we are so happy as we are that I just don't feel any regret at all. To be honest I think we did IVF as I hated 'failing' at something that everyone else could do.

Our life means we can just basically prioritise having a lovely time on earth for however long we're lucky enough to be here for. Being happy in yourself is probably going to be the biggest factor in all this. Had I stayed with my ex-husband I would definitely be regretful, as I was so unhappy that a lifetime of just me and him would have been awful. I would have needed children as an escape!

As long as your own world is happy and fulfilling - whatever combination of friends, partner, work, hobbies etc. that is - I honestly don't think you can go far wrong.

I don't have kids - by choice and I've never tried for them, so, like other posters have said, a different situation to you.

On a logical level I question my decision regularly. On a gut level I know it's the right choice for me.

A friend desperately wanted kids and went down the IVF route. It was a real heartache for her, and all she could think about for a long time. She later conceived naturally, and has 2 little ones who she loves to the end of the earth, AND she says if she had her time again she wouldn't do it. She jokes "I bent your ear for years about wanting kids, and now I'm bending your ear about having them."

We never know what the 'right' thing to do is with these decisions – it's so hard to try and logic your way through it, because for many women it's not a logical choice.

What I would say, if it's of any help, is that I've found not having my own children has allowed me to play a very unique and special role in the lives of other young people in my life.

I get to be the person to my friends who gives them space and time and breaks away from their kids if they need it. I get to be a person in their children's lives who has endless energy and attention for them – because I'm not having to be the one who gives it to them 24/7. I get to be someone who shows the kids that different ways of living are possible (my life in general is fairly unconventional), because I don't have to live near a school and keep a regular schedule etc. I get to be someone that the older ones can come to when things are hard and they don't yet know how to approach their parents about it. I get to be a sort of aunt-grandmother-playmate-mentor-person that I've co-created in cahoots with the kids in my life. And actually, I value that role enormously as one I'd never have time or energy or opportunity to play if I had children of my own.

I'm not a mother – but I do nourish and care and help raise all kinds of kids in my life, and whatever maternal parts of me there are (and they're different to those of someone who really wants kids and becomes a parent) get expressed in lots of special ways.

I’m not sure if this is the kind of post you’re looking for but I’m currently going through similar issues - we started TTC only to discover there are significant male factor fertility issues. I used to think I didn’t really want kids, but started very much wanting them about 35 - I’m now 38 and not sure what our path is. I see my sister with her kids and feel like I will regret not having my own children but our infertility issues are fairly extreme. We’re hoping to get some guidance on whether treatment would even be possible. We’ve talked about using a donor but it isn’t something we feel is for us. DH has mentioned adoption but I don’t think it is the right choice for us either. We’re in a really awful place right now. I’m struggling to imagine life just DH and myself for the next 40 odd years. We live on the other side of the world to my family and DH is not close with his family - so I think I will regret not having our own family. I don’t really have any advice or know how I will feel in the future. But at the moment it’s incredibly difficult, so I can empathise with how you’re feeling and how enormous these decisions feel.x

@winethief just wanted to say thank you for your post. I feel so similarly to you - I can't identify with the desperation of others at all. We're two rounds down and considering a third. I'm so torn. I want to pursue it I think still but not at any cost

Our situations are very dissimilar, but no. I never had an instinct I wanted to be a mum and the perfect man to convince me otherwise never came along.

No children due to fertility issues. Could have gone down the IVF route, but my outlook on life is it wasn’t meant to be. Do not regret the decision in any way and live life to the full. I am amazed how many of my friends, say that, if they could turn the clock back, they wouldn’t have had children and I know of two lots of friends who still wouldn’t be married, if it wasn’t for having children. One couple, in particular, admit to trying to keep their grown children at home, as they dread the day there is just the two of them! Every one has a different perspective, but only you know what is right for you

Just because someone else did or didn’t regret the decision has no bearing on how you will feel in the future.

The fact you’ve taken the time to post on here suggests you know there is a good chance you will feel regretful later.

Though as you aren’t ‘desperate’ to have kids I’m sure you would come to terms with not having them and could be happy child free.

However, my feeling is, if there is the option of any free rounds of IVF, get yourself on the waiting list now. You can always back out if you become sure you don’t want it later on.

If not successful I wouldn’t drain your finances doing it again without being sure though.

Best of luck.

Also, having one child is different to having several, which is a much more radical life change. Some people regret kids when they have completely lost themselves to a brood of 3 or 4.

I appreciate that as I have one child I am not who you were looking to answer but I just wanted to say that IVF is not always as terrible as it is made out to be and I say this as someone who went through 7 rounds. My DD came from round 2. After TTC naturally for a while, I found the more concrete facts of IVF more helpful than having no clue what was happening when TTC naturally and it certainly took the pressure off me and DH. If you want a child, you don’t have to see IVF as an extra hurdle.

Thank you for this!

I think the problem with asking a question like this on Mumsnet is that the “I have children and they’re the best thing in the whole wide world and you’ll never regret it” brigade are typically parenting very young children.

When I look at my parents and their peers and think about the issues their children experienced as adults (addiction, mental health problems, ill health, marriage breakups, custody issues, financial problems, suicide, broken down parental or sibling relationships etc) I realise that parenting a chubby toddler who gives you drooly kisses is very different to the parent you are when you’re dealing with adults who are making choices you don’t agree with, or when you have to stand by and see your adult children suffer at a level that can’t be fixed by a kiss and an Elsa plaster.

There’s a thread every week or so at this rate on Mumsnet from people who say they regret having children. It’s taboo, but common.

Hello,

slightly different viewpoint. DH and I decided almost immediately we knew we were going to be together forever and wanted kids. We ditched the contraception relatively early in the relationship. I’ve never conceived naturally in 15 years. We had one cycle of NHS funded IVF 10.5 yrs ago and I caught pregnant that first time. We had no eggs to freeze and pursued no more privately funded IVF as we couldn’t afford too. Our infertility was classed as unexplained but I’m pretty sure I have issues with progesterone post ovulation.

I remember knowing that there was no question that we wouldn’t try the IVF, I went through the jealously/sadness emotions every time someone announced a pregnancy. I remember being really sad wondering if my DH would ditch me if I couldn’t conceive (silly I know but it messes with your head massively and I completely get why women feel like a failure for not being able to get pregnant)

We went back to no contraception after having our child and although We felt we wanted another child - now with hindsight I’m glad we didn’t. I didn’t find that I had a massive maternal streak. We adore our child but it can be hard work. We recently had a pregnancy scare and we seriously questioned what the fuck we would do if I was. I’m seriously contemplating sending him for the snip.

This has made me feel that although we adore our child, have no regrets and wouldn’t change our family for the world, I also know that if we hadn’t have been so incredibly lucky and fortunate for our IVF to work we wouldn’t have any regrets now. I think we would have been terribly sad at the time and it would have taken time to come to terms with it but I believe we would have been okay.

for what it’s worth if it helps in anyway , I didn’t find the IVF cycle traumatic in any way. It was quite straightforward and easy. I went at it with an absolutely blazing positive mental attitude of “this is absolutely going to be fine and I am sure it will work” We were very lucky. But I also know that for some people they can have a very different and difficult experience. I just wanted to share that because I wanted to show that IVF treatment can also be very positive xxx

Oh my GOD

OH

MY

GOD

I can't have children, ovaries are too knackered apparently.

I had options of trying IVF, ovarian drilling and other such procedures, but when I was honest with myself, children weren't on my mind, I don't particularly like them and can just about tolerate them. Over the years I thought I may have had a wobble, but I never have.