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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

207 replies

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 16:55

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad.

DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues.

He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 20/01/2023 16:59

Stop expecting a proposal. Tell him you want to get married, for all the reasons you mentioned here, and tell him it's happening in six months. You'll know after that if it's going to happen or not.

Ihatethenewlook · 20/01/2023 16:59

The simple answer is that he clearly doesn’t want to get married. Otherwise you’d be married. He knows you’re waiting for a proposal, but he hasn’t done it. If you don’t want to be the sort of person to force his hand, you’ll just have to decide if being with him is worth not being married.

MichelleScarn · 20/01/2023 17:00

Why don't you ask him? He may be thinking it's not actually that important to you or you'd make the move?

RunningFromInsanity · 20/01/2023 17:00

If he doesn’t want a marriage can you do a civil partnership instead to get the legal protection?

Tandora · 20/01/2023 17:02

Nothing about your post was unreasonable, until you said this:

I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married.

No ‘girl’ can ‘force’ her partner to get married. It’s absolutely ok, and in fact very important , that you ask for what you need in a relationship. You are allowed some agency- it’s not all up to him.
it sounds like by only bringing it up once or twice a year, you haven’t really communicated properly how much this means to you. You need to have a proper conversation and let him know how you are feeling.

good luck!

PayPennies · 20/01/2023 17:02

This obviously isn’t about a “proposal”. He doesn’t want to get married. You do. You could propose - he will likely reject and that will presumably be the end of things if you want different things.

JimHensonWasAGenius · 20/01/2023 17:03

Clutching at straws but Valentine's Day will soon be upon us.

Original poster
ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:03

@RunningFromInsanity I've mentioned several times that I would be perfectly happy with (and would even prefer) a civil partnership rather than a marriage...

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 20/01/2023 17:03

You propose. Then, if he says no, you'll know how things are.

KnickerlessParsons · 20/01/2023 17:04

JimHensonWasAGenius · 20/01/2023 17:03

Clutching at straws but Valentine's Day will soon be upon us.

Perfect time for you to propose to him. Use the words "DH, will you marry me?" then come back to MN and tell us what he says.

Squamata · 20/01/2023 17:05

Yabu for sitting around like it's the 1860s

If you want to get married, ask him

It sounds to be this is more like you want a bit more romance in your life than he's providing

Perennis · 20/01/2023 17:06

FFS we are not in the 1950s. If you want to get married just ask.

Mirroredlove · 20/01/2023 17:06

Don’t be strung along as his done it for 10 years. Tell him you want to be married in two years or you will need to rethink the relationship as getting married is something you definitely want to do.

(I don’t think his going to marry you, sorry) but don’t keep wasting your time.

MyrtleTheTurtleQueen · 20/01/2023 17:07

If he wanted to marry you he would.

If you're not going to have a proper conversation where you agree to get married and then set a date, them looks like you're not getting married.

All this patriarchal bullshit about engagement rings and waiting years for a proposal drives me mad.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:07

Forget the proposal. A proposal is a Byzantine and absurd red herring.

If you want to get married tell him you want to get married and it’s game over if he won’t.

If he won’t, you will finally know where you stand.

ShowOfHands · 20/01/2023 17:08

Have an honest conversation and tell him you want to get married within X timeframe and ask if he is in agreement. That's your answer. He knows you want marriage. It isn't forthcoming. Ask him why. You need to know this so you can make some important decisions. A proposal is meaningless.

I had a friend who did what you are doing and he eventually proposed. Made bog all difference. After a 4yr engagement with him making vague hints and dangling the odd carrot, he finally admitted he was never intending to marry her. He proposed because it bought him more time. After they split, he was engaged and married within 9 months.

dontleaveitthere · 20/01/2023 17:08

I suspect the reason you don't ask him yourself is because you don't want to hear his answer...

You have to face it. He doesn't want to get married.

It's been ten fucking years. He could have a small wedding. Or a civil partnership.

You have to decide whether you want to stay with him unmarried or find someone wants the same thing

He's a dick for keeping you hanging like that and showing you rings. That's positively cruel.

Original poster
ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:08

@PayPennies that's kind of how I'm feeling right now... I know him, and if we do get married / civil partnership then I know he will want to be the one to propose. But he clearly doesn't want it (but then why ask me twice at the end of last year if it was something I was still interested in...?!) It just feels so stupid to break up or give an ultimatum over something like this after 10 years, but then I don't think my reasons for wanting to be married (legal rights, partners in eyes of law / hospitals etc) are stupid – and if he can't see that then we obviously do have very different value placed on 'partnership' and what that means.

It's just so frustrating as there's all this 'fluffy' 'white marriage' 'bridezilla' stuff associated with marriage and women wanting to be married - and that's not me at all (nor a lot of women), but if I insist on it I feel like that's how it comes across. I would be happy to pop into somewhere for a civil partnership one afternoon. And he knows that.

OP posts:
Wishawisha · 20/01/2023 17:09

Sit him down and talk. Ask him if he intends it and if so roughly when. Explain whether you do or do not see a future together if you are to remain unmarried and that you’d rather not have children unmarried and what his response is to that - if he’d rather not get married than lose you, I think you have your answer. If you do decide to get married do just that - decide together. No need to wait around for a proposal he is planning (or not).

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:09

@MyrtleTheTurtleQueen

All this patriarchal bullshit about engagement rings and waiting years for a proposal drives me mad.

I agree. I find it excruciating that women are still allowing their destiny to be controlled by men like this. Take control of the situation.

MyrtleTheTurtleQueen · 20/01/2023 17:10

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:08

@PayPennies that's kind of how I'm feeling right now... I know him, and if we do get married / civil partnership then I know he will want to be the one to propose. But he clearly doesn't want it (but then why ask me twice at the end of last year if it was something I was still interested in...?!) It just feels so stupid to break up or give an ultimatum over something like this after 10 years, but then I don't think my reasons for wanting to be married (legal rights, partners in eyes of law / hospitals etc) are stupid – and if he can't see that then we obviously do have very different value placed on 'partnership' and what that means.

It's just so frustrating as there's all this 'fluffy' 'white marriage' 'bridezilla' stuff associated with marriage and women wanting to be married - and that's not me at all (nor a lot of women), but if I insist on it I feel like that's how it comes across. I would be happy to pop into somewhere for a civil partnership one afternoon. And he knows that.

If all the fluffy white wedding stuff isn't for you, then why are you sitting around waiting for a proposal?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/01/2023 17:11

Gently OP If he knows exactly how you feel & he hasn’t proposed or discussed marriage with you like a grownup then it’s obvious he doesn’t want to marry you

question is whether that’s a deal breaker for you

MickeyMouseShithouse · 20/01/2023 17:15

I only come to these posts to see the OP get patronised by the “you propose to him then” brigade.

My DP took his time too. He didn’t see marriage as important until we had kids and even then it took a number of discussions around the logics and legalities.

I too was beat down by thou wise independent women-MN’s who we’re baffled by my lack of proposal to him. So I asked if (after he’d already eventually asked me) what he would have thought if I’d proposed to him and he said he would say no and wouldn’t have liked it, because if we were going to get married he would want to be the one to ask.

You need to have more than a “I want to get married someday” talk. You need to ask him if he see’s being married to you in his future, as it’s something you want and is necessary for when you have kids ect. And that if he doesn’t then where that puts you. Would you stay if he was adamant that he never wants to be married?

Cheesetoastiesz · 20/01/2023 17:15

He doesn’t want to get married, it’s as simple as that.

You’ve sadly wasted a lot of time on this person but that’s on you after a while.

You’d also be putting yourself in a vulnerable position having kids without being married.

Time to find someone who actually shares your goals in life

Original poster
ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:15

@MyrtleTheTurtleQueen because I know how he is and know he's quite traditional in some senses and wouldn't want to be proposed to (I think he would see it as me 'forcing' the situation). I'd also be happy if he just said one afternoon at the pub, 'let's do a civil partnership in XX months'. Like I said, I don't need a ring or anything – it was just the fact that he told me about a jeweller who he thought I would like who specialises in engagement rings that made me think a proposal was forthcoming.

A few years ago, I did say to him 'let's get married' – and he just wasn't keen to have the conversation (basically cited friends' recent divorces as putting him off marriage at that point).

Tbh I'm not sure why I'm sitting around waiting for anything and not just having a grown up conversation with him. Like I said, I feel a bit pathetic even posting this, but wanted to get some perspective / other opinions..

OP posts: