To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

[ConfusedFlamingo]

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad.

DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues.

He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

Much cheaper, easier and quicker to just get married, and eschew all the sexist traditions.

@Rainbow1901 that sounds awful – I'm so glad he recovered! And yes, this is the type of situation that worries me! (especially as I don't actually have any family living in the UK so I'm not sure what would happen if I were in that situation and didn't have a next of kin here??)

I've just looked into it though and we can get each other legally named as next of kin without getting married, so that's also something to consider for us. Basically, I think I'm going to have a conversation with DP and for me we either need to have a civil partnership or do all the legal stuff that gives us those rights. There's been a few not-so-helpful posts on here, but it's generally been quite helpful for me working out exactly what it is I'm after and where those red lines are – so thank you to everyone who has commented!

It is a pain in the arse to do all the legal things individually, and some of them are not possible at all.

If you want to be married, have the courage of your convictions and say so.

You don't have to do any of the extraneous bullshit.

I guess it all comes down to how lined up your ducks are. Possibly also the fact that we got together really young, so neither of us came into the relationship with any assets to lose, everything we both have is a joint asset. All our earnings are paid into our joint account, and our savings are split equally between us.

Part of the reason we don’t want to be married is so that if things ever start getting “tough”, we can both walk away pretty easily. Some may interpret that as us viewing our relationship as weak, however the opposite is actually true - we are together because we want to be, not because we stood in front of our families and promised not to dump each other ever.

Threads like this depress the hell out of me.

At nearly 60 I keep reading about women desperately trying to make marriage palatable for these prizes🙄.

Christ almighty so depressing.

10 years spent with a man who knows well want you want but clearly gets a kick from dicking you about.

God I know I'm old, but not one of my large circle of girlfriends would have entertained this bullshit for a moment 30+ years ago.

He'd have been dumped.

You have spent 10 years with him and this is how he thinks is acceptable to behave.

Not one ounce of kindness or love for you as he strings you along.

Whatever he feels for you, it sure as hell is not what I would want from the man I would marry.

Kindness and honesty are so important in marriage.

I wouldn't be able to stomach him, not to mind marry a man who was so comfortable with his "are you still keen to marry" and jewellery bullshit.

He knows well🙄.

I mean this very kindly but it is pathetic.

I would be devastated at either of my daughters putting up with such utter bullshit and disrespect.

You deserve so much better.

TTC with a man like that, and all it involves for you, and he still couldn't find the kindness to put you out of your misery.

I'd be heartbroken if my girls ended up with such a character.

@BloodAndFire I was always of the opinion that if a couple is living together for a substantial period of time then they deserve those rights automatically... so I do tend to agree with the concept of de facto (although thinking about it now, two years does seem to be quite a short period of time.. I've had a few terrible 2-year relationships in my 20s! I would probably say 5+ years).

You don't have to stand in front of your family, you know...

I wasn't personally bothered until we had children, and then I felt it was something we should do to protect their best interests. And mine..and his.

It’s absolutely not a pain in the arse, it’s pretty easy, and it sounds like it gives OP the security they want without forcing her partners hand into a marriage that they don’t want.

My DF was like this a little bit. He drove me bloody mental.

He was really keen to marry me and mentioned it first. Then went quiet on it all and when I asked about it said he wasn't in a rush etc. Then randomly proposed a few months later.

My friends are agreed they're gonna get married.. she's waiting for him to propose and he still hasn't but is keen on marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️

That is a terrible idea, though. Plenty of couples live together without necessarily wanting their partner to have all the things that go along with marriage.

Some people want to protect their own, or their children's assets. Some people want the freedom to walk away without legal binding.

As it stands, people who want those rights can get married, people who want to retain their independence can live together without having a legal stricture imposed on them

The fact that your boyfriend refuses to voluntarily enter that legal relationship with you does not mean that other people should have it forced on them

In Scotland there isn’t a set timescale; rather it’s about showing you intended to live as a married couple and not as flat mates. For example, joint bank accounts/mortgage/rent agreement, children (attending fertility clinics together would also count) and so on.

Why do you think he would agree to do all those things if he's not willing after 10 years to commit legally to her and has no ideological objections?

@ConfusedFlamingo
Just as a matter of interest which posts weren't helpful and why?

Is it because they didn't tell you what you wanted to hear?

There there he's just a confused little lamb. I'm sure he'll propose when he's good and ready just wait another ten years.

A lot of posters have simply put how fucking depressing your post is.

Very similar story OP. With ex for 10 years, brought up marriage a handful of times but made it clear how important it was to me. Approaching my birthday, he made a few comments about how we would be spending lots of money soon, and even joked about our cats being bridesmaids! On the day, Tiffany box produced during dinner, I was shaking, I couldn't believe it was finally happening. It was earrings. You did well to hide your disappointment, I burst into tears which then led to him getting angry and saying I always wanted more, and whatever he did wasn't enough. After that, I made the decision to propose to him on our anniversary, 3 months later, rather than wait any longer. I didn't get the chance, he left me before that. He got together with someone else very quickly (maybe even before we split?), she was pregnant within a year and they were married within two.
So, I'm sorry, but I strongly believe if he wanted to, he would. There were so many red flags for me that I ignored at the time because I loved him and also because I didn't want to 'waste' the ten years. I kept telling myself just be patient for a little longer... Please don't waste any more of your precious time x

I've just looked into it though and we can get each other legally named as next of kin without getting married, so that's also something to consider for us
Is this really what you want though?
What if one of you dies, you'll be shafted with inheritance tax. Don't give up on it OP, it's what you really want.

I got married after ten years together, it went like this (having talked on/off about doing it over the years)...

Me: you know, none of our parents are getting any younger, so if we want them to be there when we get married, we should probably get it done next summer, which means starting to look at venues now
DH: yes you're right really, OK, I take the point
Me: I'm not after some bollocks proposal, let's just go and look at venues
DH (looking slightly relieved): oh, OK then.

I then lined up a bunch of venues to view and we'd booked it within the month, told everyone after that.

One of you actually needs to take some action on it, if it's going to happen, and it sounds like it's going to need to be you.

You could do the above, without the "bollocks proposal" comment, get the venues lined up (or just get some dates from the registry office), and if he's so keen to propose he can do a proposal with the ring etc during that process.

Saying "I really want to be married" and then taking zero subsequent action isn't going to get you what you want.

I’m totally for other people getting married if they choose to, I just think there should be other options for those who don’t want to, but still want the same protections. And it’s easy to do so if you choose.

Well, I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, we aren’t married, and we have done all those little simple things that took no longer than an hour of our life to organise. You can love your partner but not want to marry them.

There are quite a lot of legal and financial protections that cannot be achieved any other way, like inheritance tax, widow's pension, etc. There is no alternative route to those.

That's fine, you can get some of the same legal and financial protections, but not all of them by any means.

I think it's academic in the OP's case anyway. If her partner is playing silly games and stringing her along because he's unwilling to commit legally, there is no reason to think he'll be any more willing to sign up to a series of individual legal commitments.

Yes, but you are both ideologically opposed to marriage, so you mutually decided on a course of action that you're both happy with.

That has very very little in common with the situation described by the OP.

I had a joint bank account and joint rental agreement with my ex who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. We lived together for ten years and loved each other very much. When I finally realised I had enough and needed to escape, thank fuck I was able to just give notice on the flat and leave as an independent woman.

No one should have legal obligations imposed on them that they haven't voluntarily and specifically signed up to

@BloodAndFire At no point did I say or imply anything close to this: "The fact that your boyfriend refuses to voluntarily enter that legal relationship with you does not mean that other people should have it forced on them."

I am simply stating what the norm is in the country I grew up in – and I'm sure plenty of other people in Aus would share my views that de facto is normal and reflects changing views around marriage in society. It is what I grew up with and helped inform my views on marriage / civil partnership (as I have said, it is not something I would be interested in at all if I lived in a country with de facto status).

You are, of course, entitled to your own views – but please don't put words into my mouth.

Yoy can still up and leave, not sure why you would think you couldn’t? However, you would be able to act as next of kin, and you can claim against their pension and death in service payments etc if either of you died. It doesn’t mean you need to stay together.

I don’t think you are going to get the moment you want.

Just tell him it’s time to get married, and you are not having kids unless you are. Give him mini choices - June or July etc to keep things moving.

Don’t have kids without being married

If he was physically and emotionally abusive to you, he didn’t love you very much. He didn’t love you at all.

I wouldn't have wanted to be tied to him legally in any way, I wouldn't have wanted him as my next of kin etc.

That's why we lived together and didn't get married. I was specifically disagreeing with the idea that it would be preferable if legal rights were just automatically given to a cohabiting partner after a certain number of years/ if you have joint bank a/c etc.