To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

[ConfusedFlamingo]

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad.

DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues.

He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

@Colderthanever well regardless of whether it's big or small – it's not something I want nor is it something I've ever been interested in. In all my posts, I've expressed that my reasons for wanting to be married / in a legal partnership are for the rights that we would automatically have if I were in my home country (in which case I wouldn't be wanting to have this conversation at all). So please don't assume to tell me that I'm 'downplaying' what I want. If anything, I resent being put into a situation where I have to have some kind of legal partnership for my 10-year-long relationship to be recognised if one of us were to get ill or pass away etc.

I obviously do need to have a proper conversation with my partner, but first need to work out what my expectations are around that conversation and what it means if it isn't something he wants.

This
Please think very carefully about having kids with this man.

Better to find someone who wants the same things as you.

I voted yabu, because it’s really obvious he doesn’t want to get married. You know he doesn’t but you keep visiting the discussion, in the hope he changes his mind.

Or gives in. If he did propose now, I bet it would be a long, long engagement. And you would still be sat thinking ‘he didn’t ask me because he wanted to. He asked me because he felt he should’ and you won’t be happy.

Op. He knows you want to get married, he’s fully aware of this, it is not something he is unsure or confused about. He is not forgetting or uncertain. He knows, he is choosing not to ask or marry you . It’s a conscious decision he is making. As is your refusal to deal with it.

you’re scared to hear it. Because when he makes it clear the you will be crushed and kmow if you stay with him you will never marry. He isn’t spelling it out, as he knows you will be crushed and as long as you keep your mouth shut. Why should he do the decent thing and tell you straight,

it’s been a decade. He knows. There will be no marriage

well regardless of whether it's big or small – it's not something I want nor is it something I've ever been interested in. In all my posts, I've expressed that my reasons for wanting to be married / in a legal partnership are for the rights that we would automatically have if I were in my home country (in which case I wouldn't be wanting to have this conversation at all). So please don't assume to tell me that I'm 'downplaying' what I want. If anything, I resent being put into a situation where I have to have some kind of legal partnership for my 10-year-long relationship to be recognised if one of us were to get ill or pass away etc

If there was no marriage/civil partnership how would society differentiate between a 10 week relationship and a 10 year one?

It's your dp that's put you in this situation. There's a very easy solution to the legal status question but your dp doesn't want to do it for some reason so before you have the conversation i think you'll need to make a list of pros and cons of whether you want to stay in your relationship if he's honest enough to say he doesn't want to get married. It's not like he's not had long enough to think about it.

@Tandora Thanks – I think you've put it really well. At some point soon I do need to decide where my red lines are because the past 10 years have gone so quickly, and I'm sure the next 10 will too and (as another poster said) I need to work out what I want from the future. And, if we don't get married / civil partnership then we definitely need to work out the legal stuff / rights as that is what the important part of all this is to me.

Here we go again.
So traditional but happy to live together without marriage tc.

Just ask him.
I told mine, I would quite like to be married to him, one of the few people I can tolerate well, so how about we get married. He said, "yeah ok" and there it was. Told people we are engaged, enjoyed the fawning, then started planning.

There was no forcing, no fluffy white bridezilla. Just an adult conversation people who regularly enjoy each others genitals and share living quarters, should be able to have.

Frankly, I always think that women doing all that mental gymnastics about why it should be the guy to propose are 1- martyring themselves, 2-scared he will say no and it will fully uncover different life paths each wants to take.

Just do it. Don't bee miserable wet blanket. Do it for yourself and your future happiness.

Also, OP, I really disagree with the posters who are saying he definitely doesn’t want to get married. Maybe he doesn’t, or maybe he’s ambivalent. maybe he hasn’t decided yet, maybe his feelings will change; maybe he doesn’t understand the extent to which it’s important to you , etc. life isn’t that black and white. Marriage isn’t the “default” and not everyone either “wants to get married” or “doesn’t”. The only way forward is more direct and open communication,

@MyrtleTheTurtleQueen In Australia, couples who live together for 2+ years have the same rights as a married couple (to the point where breaking up can be more like a divorce) – so that's what I grew up knowing (hence me finding it irritating that I need to get married / have a civil partnership to have those same rights!)

This is my situation. Except I made the mistake of having children. If I was you I’d walk away now, you’ve have 10 years of disrespect. Find someone who is excited to marry you and wants to ensure your children are legally protected.

And IF it REALLY is just for the legal stuff, get solicitor and sort everything out on paper.

But frankly, I don't think it is otherwise you wouldn't be this torn about it. Stop downplaying your wants if that's what this is. It's fine to want to be married while also welcoming legal stuff that comes with it. No shame

What rights do you refer to? It seems no children, are you ttc?

for everything else a simple will does it and any joint property should be in both names, you can even be named as next of kin.

If you decide to go ahead unmarried, just make sure you're suitably protected financially. I'd possibly speak to a solicitor to figure out what's best.

Don't give up work to be a SAHM.

Make sure properties are owned equally.

Have savings/investments in joint names or equally distributed.

Contribute equally to childcare and other child related costs.

I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting.

It's 2023, he doesn't need to "propose".

Have the conversation, say it matters to you that you're both in a legally acknowledged relationship. After 10 years, it's something important to you. You'd like to book a civil partnership for May (for example), and how does that sound to him?

You don't have to sit idly by waiting for him to make a big declaration. It's beern 10 years, he's had plenty of time to get his arse in gear.

Could you start a hypothetical conversation with him such as: it really bothers me that if I /you died, I / you would not be next of kin. I / you would have no rights over my property. I / you would not be the one making decisions about the other person. Or say that if one of you were in a serious accident, you would not be the first one contacted because you are not next of kin.

@Colderthanever there are certain rights with regard to if one of us were to get seriously ill or pass away that are more difficult if not married (something which was brought to my attention when a family member recently passed), and our property situation is quite unusual (and would be a lot more straightforward if we were in a legal partnership - I'm not going to go into details as it is a fairly specific situation). As I said in my initial post, we were ttc but have fertility issues – if we were to have children then I would also want the protection that comes from a legal partnership. Neither of us have a will but were speaking just the other day about how we do need to sort this out asap.

Genuinely curious- why do you say he is quite traditional?? Because I can’t see anything in his behaviour that is traditional.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. Whether people are married or not makes no difference to whether or not they have a happy long lasting relationship. I don’t understand the whole “I don’t want to get married as my parents did and then divorced “ argument. Surely if you feel that way then you just don’t enter into a long term relationship and you certainly don’t have DC as they bind you together for life

I’d wait until Valentine’s Day and if nothing happens then have a chat with him. If no wedding date is set at tgr end of that chat I’d be ending it.

@IsThePopeCatholic This is essentially why I want to get married (which I have expressed previously to him!) So I think I just need to have this conversation again but have it properly and ask definitively what his views are, and know what my red lines are in terms of whether it's a dealbreaker for me.

I can't believe you have stayed so long with him. I'd dump him if I were you.

This 👆 it’s utterly depressing!

Look OP if he didn’t want to marry you because you proposed, then he’s a Neanderthal man that no woman should marry! I would run a million miles from
a man like that! Have some pride please.
”traditional” my arse!

He obviously doesn’t want to get married, as he would have asked if he did. It is time for you to make a decision as to whether you want to stay with him or move on. Never give a
man an ultimatum. You want him to be with you because he wants to be, not because you have forced his hand

And after he'd openly declared himself to be a patriarchal,controlling misogynist... you still married him?!
🙄

Married parents and unmarried parents have the same rights. Not sure what risks there would be?

Both my kids are born outside marriage. Intentionally.

Also, my partner and I have the same rights as a married couple, except from a £200/yr tax discount.

Could potentially be different in Scotland but up here marriage is just a formality, and one which we have intentionally not done (we are engaged though)

I think 10 years in you have long since passed the 'will he or wont he propose' stage.

Life isnt like it always is in the movies. Sometimes you need to put your cards on the table and say, in my life I want to get married. Do you? If not then I think its best we go our separate ways.

You don't have to give up what you want because he doesn't want it, and he doesn't have to do something he doesn't want to because you do. You only get one go at life, and if its important to you then don't settle for any less.

My DH and I were together 7 years when I came out with it. I said, I am approaching 30, I'm ready to settle down and have kids, is that something you want. If not, then its time we called it a day. Its a scary chat, you have to be prepared that it might not go the way you want. But its time. 3 years later we are married with our first baby on the way.

Also OP men like this are often cowardly and will string you along. Mine did. Pictures of rings, talking about how to do it etc