Page 2 | To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

ConfusedFlamingo · 2023-01-20T16:55:47+00:00

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad. DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues. He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed. I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

dottiedodah · 20/01/2023 17:16

I would say to him that you want to be married, you love him and hope he feels the same .if he says one day or maybe. Then take that as probably not going to happen. Up to you then .if you want to marry and he doesn't then it's probably not good long term

Tandora · 20/01/2023 17:16

Honestly I think people on this thread are being quite dramatic.

OP you don’t need to jump to end it , or issue an ultimatum, you just need to open up some more lines of communication. Have a proper chat. Tell him how important this is to you. Tell him you thought he was hinting at a proposal. Ask him why he hasn’t proposed - be genuinely curious to understand his answer.

You sound very disempowered, I don’t understand why you think you are not allowed to participate in this decision? We aren’t in a Jane Austen novel!

cingolimama · 20/01/2023 17:17

OP, I mean this kindly, but please grow a backbone. You aren't pathetic, but your disappointment and sadness about this has clouded your judgement.

Who cares if he proposes or you propose? The important thing is that you want (for excellent reasons) to be married. Once you are married whoever asked who will not matter. Have the briefest of discussions and SET A DATE. Then get a ring if you want and something nice to wear for a simple ceremony and plan for a party with family and friends.

Fwiw, from what you've written I think your partner genuinely wants to be married. However, it's not as important to him as it is to you. And that's okay, but it does mean that you have to be assertive about this. Waiting for him to propose is just making you unhappy.

Just have the conversation and set a date. Tonight, if at all possible. Or this weekend.

Bon courage.

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/01/2023 17:17

It's OK to want to be married.
It's OK for marriage to be very important to you.
It's OK for it to be a dealbreaker.
It's OK for you to sit him down and spell this out. No more hinting and coy little remarks. Forget the last 10 years, what do you want from the next 10?

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:19

@MickeyMouseShithouse

I too was beat down by thou wise independent women-MN’s who we’re baffled by my lack of proposal to him. So I asked if (after he’d already eventually asked me) what he would have thought if I’d proposed to him and he said he would say no and wouldn’t have liked it, because if we were going to get married he would want to be the one to ask.

Congratulations for waiting it out and not expressing your needs. And well done for landing a caveman. Have a medal.

Some of us just don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t think women have a right to any agency in a life-changing decision. Shoot us.

Original poster

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:20

@MickeyMouseShithouse thanks - that means a lot. I think my DP would have the same reaction so it's not really at the top of my list of things to do to solve this!

OP posts:

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/01/2023 17:20

Oh and yeah I just bet he's "very traditional" when it comes to having his cake and eating it. And also when it helps him get his own way. What a hypocrite! Are you sure you can respect him enough to marry him?

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:22

@Untitledsquatboulder

Yes and it’s always these “very traditional” men who are happy having children out of wedlock and then not providing them or their mothers with the legal protection they need.

Funny old world.

mrsbyers · 20/01/2023 17:22

I asked my husband , I was 40 and didn’t want another living together relationship - I even put a modest engagement ring on my credit card which he paid off and we married 5 months later

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 17:24

I feel so sad when I read these downgrading of expectations, an almost desperate attempt to make it palatable to the man, I don’t want a ring, a small civil ceremony. Anything. Just marry me.instead of being honest and saying I’d love a joyous event with my friends and family, a beautiful ring. So the choice Is make it as small as possible to hope to get it over the line.

he doesn’t want to marry you. If you can’t have an honest conversation with him and you need to downgrade it so far it’s Just signing a piece of paper in the hope he will agree, then it’s not a good relationship. Neither of you are being honest with the other.

Original poster

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:25

@Tandora Sorry - re-reading that part is a bit cringe and I didn't mean it to come across as offensive. It was a bad way of expressing that we know more than one couple where one partner was very keen on marriage and the other wanted to wait but felt pressured into it, and they have ended in divorce – and I don't want to enter into a marriage / civil partnership because my partner feels forced or pressured into it. But likewise I don't want to just hang around waiting for something that is important to me.. so the only place that leaves us is for me to initiate an actual conversation and talk about it like the grown ups that we (apparently) are 😬I just am not sure how to approach that conversation if it ends up with him saying it's definitely not something he wants – I know it's important to me, but am I prepared to walk away from a ten year relationship??

OP posts:

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 17:26

I too was beat down by thou wise independent women-MN’s who we’re baffled by my lack of proposal to him. So I asked if (after he’d already eventually asked me) what he would have thought if I’d proposed to him and he said he would say no and wouldn’t have liked it, because if we were going to get married he would want to be the one to ask

its just so depressing reading these stories.

Original poster

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:26

@Colderthanever haha actually a big wedding event with friends sounds absolutely awful to me, so I'm not downplaying anything! My ideal 'wedding' would be eloping and having a civil partnership somewhere on holiday with just the two of us!

OP posts:

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 20/01/2023 17:27

I told my BF (at the time) I wouldn’t move in without a ring on my finger and a wedding date in the diary.
He got me a ring within a fortnight and we were married just over 2 years later (covid got in the way a bit).

Reindear · 20/01/2023 17:28

I would give it til after Valentine’s Day incase he’s going for a corny valentines proposal. If still nothing then you need to say you want to get married and it is really important to you - can we set a date please. If not then maybe you shouldn’t be together?

crochetmonkey74 · 20/01/2023 17:28

Theeyeballsinthesky · 20/01/2023 17:11

Gently OP If he knows exactly how you feel & he hasn’t proposed or discussed marriage with you like a grownup then it’s obvious he doesn’t want to marry you

question is whether that’s a deal breaker for you

This OP
I wasted 7 years like this exactly. You have already asked him really. And he has ignored you for years. You have to get out

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 17:28

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:26

@Colderthanever haha actually a big wedding event with friends sounds absolutely awful to me, so I'm not downplaying anything! My ideal 'wedding' would be eloping and having a civil partnership somewhere on holiday with just the two of us!

I didn’t say big, I said joyous.

I think you’re not asking him and having the conversation as you are scared he will say no. That’s also why you’re trying to make it as easy as possible for him. Give him less reason to say no

but when he says no you need to deal with it. All hope is lost. So you don’t ask. And keep hoping.

MyrtleTheTurtleQueen · 20/01/2023 17:29

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:19

@MickeyMouseShithouse

I too was beat down by thou wise independent women-MN’s who we’re baffled by my lack of proposal to him. So I asked if (after he’d already eventually asked me) what he would have thought if I’d proposed to him and he said he would say no and wouldn’t have liked it, because if we were going to get married he would want to be the one to ask.

Congratulations for waiting it out and not expressing your needs. And well done for landing a caveman. Have a medal.

Some of us just don’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t think women have a right to any agency in a life-changing decision. Shoot us.

Yes, quite.

If your dp was that traditional, he would have proposed ages ago. It's not traditional to cohabit for 10 years before marriage. A few decades ago you'd have been married within a couple of years.

TellMeTheTruthTheWholeTruth · 20/01/2023 17:29

Hold out until Valentines Day.

If he hasn't proposed by then you need to ask him or make other plans about your future!

Original poster

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:30

@Tandora I tend to agree - we just need to have a conversation. I guess the reason I'm putting that off is that I haven't quite worked out what it means if he says he's just not interested in a legal partnership... I don't know if that's a deal breaker for me on a 10-year relationship. Which I guess I need to give some serious thought to and then have that conversation...

OP posts:

dontleaveitthere · 20/01/2023 17:30

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:25

@Tandora Sorry - re-reading that part is a bit cringe and I didn't mean it to come across as offensive. It was a bad way of expressing that we know more than one couple where one partner was very keen on marriage and the other wanted to wait but felt pressured into it, and they have ended in divorce – and I don't want to enter into a marriage / civil partnership because my partner feels forced or pressured into it. But likewise I don't want to just hang around waiting for something that is important to me.. so the only place that leaves us is for me to initiate an actual conversation and talk about it like the grown ups that we (apparently) are 😬I just am not sure how to approach that conversation if it ends up with him saying it's definitely not something he wants – I know it's important to me, but am I prepared to walk away from a ten year relationship??

Jesus wept. You're an adult right?

If you can't have a conversation about marriage then maybe you shouldn't be doing it

The question isn't whether you want to throw away ten years. The question is whether marriage is more important to you than this relationship.

I would also take into account that he has known for YEARS how important this is to you. And it doesn't seem to bother him.

Bread crumbing you with jewellers you might like. Yeah. That's unbelievably cruel

But I see you've 'liked' the one comment from a poster saying she waited for her traditional partner to propose. So hey knock yourself out.

Invisiblewoman23 · 20/01/2023 17:32

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 17:22

@Untitledsquatboulder

Yes and it’s always these “very traditional” men who are happy having children out of wedlock and then not providing them or their mothers with the legal protection they need.

Funny old world.

Yes it is very strange the traditions they cherry pick. Probably expect the child to have their name too without giving the mother said surname also. Tradition. A funny old thing.

MeridianB · 20/01/2023 17:34

Ihatethenewlook · 20/01/2023 16:59

The simple answer is that he clearly doesn’t want to get married. Otherwise you’d be married. He knows you’re waiting for a proposal, but he hasn’t done it. If you don’t want to be the sort of person to force his hand, you’ll just have to decide if being with him is worth not being married.

Sorry OP, I agree with this. We talk a lot on MN about people 'showing you who they are'. Your DP has shown you he doesn't want to get married. You need to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you.

Tandora · 20/01/2023 17:35

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:25

@Tandora Sorry - re-reading that part is a bit cringe and I didn't mean it to come across as offensive. It was a bad way of expressing that we know more than one couple where one partner was very keen on marriage and the other wanted to wait but felt pressured into it, and they have ended in divorce – and I don't want to enter into a marriage / civil partnership because my partner feels forced or pressured into it. But likewise I don't want to just hang around waiting for something that is important to me.. so the only place that leaves us is for me to initiate an actual conversation and talk about it like the grown ups that we (apparently) are 😬I just am not sure how to approach that conversation if it ends up with him saying it's definitely not something he wants – I know it's important to me, but am I prepared to walk away from a ten year relationship??

❤️ that’s all understandable. I don’t think you need to decide right now what your red lines are. Maybe just start with that really honest chat. No demands, no judgement, just this is what I really want, the status quo is starting to make me feel unhappy. How are you feeling / where are you with this? Etc. then hear what he says and take it from there..

MeridianB · 20/01/2023 17:36

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/01/2023 17:17

It's OK to want to be married.
It's OK for marriage to be very important to you.
It's OK for it to be a dealbreaker.
It's OK for you to sit him down and spell this out. No more hinting and coy little remarks. Forget the last 10 years, what do you want from the next 10?

Great post.

And of course marriage brings some legal protection and rights. If you decide to stay with him but not marry, it's really worth addressing these.