To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

[ConfusedFlamingo]

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad.

DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues.

He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

But OP does want to share finances. She wants to have children with him (and would be very unwise to do that without getting married). Your mum is presumably on a second (or more) significant relationship, with adult children. Totally different situation

Do you think he's perhaps waiting to propose at a time you wouldn't expect?

To those suggesting that there is, there is NO different system today in Scotland. Marriage or civil partnership are the only legally recognised arrangements. Years ago, there was something else, but the people to which that still applies are vanishingly scarce. Don't kid yourselves, or be kidded.

To anyone talking about next of kin, this is not a legally-recognised relationship.
(Nor is common-law husband or wife.) Various hospitals - out of kindness to people in tragic circumstances - will be flexible as to visiting etc but marriage or civil partnership are the only legally-binding categories.

www.howellslegal.co.uk/news/post/Next-of-Kin-What-are-my-Rights

I'd also give your DP an ultimatutm -
marriage or civil partnership in 6 months, or look elsewhere. Why does he get to make all the decisions for your JOINT future? Why are you - why is anyone - 'waiting for him to propose'?

If you see yourself as wanting to be married at some time in the future tell him this. Say you want to be married within 6 months and if he doesn't see his future as being married to you then end the relationship and start again. Don't go along with not being married if it's what you want in life.

This has turned into a debate about marriage but having been there, its really not. He doesn't want to marry you. You have to tackle it

I’ll take advice from my actual lawyer rather than you, thanks. I mentioned that it MAY be different in Scotland as I am not aware of the rules in England. Your own link states that next of kin can be anyone so I’m not sure you are proving what you think you are, lol.

I understand OP. I was with a man for 11 years, we spoke about marriage and kids “someday” and I was exactly the same. I didn’t want the big wedding or any kind of fuss, but it was important to me to have the legal protection that comes with marriage, to have a family name that we all share etc. Looking back, I can’t believe I wasn’t more assertive and I let the relationship drag on for such a long time without actually pinning him down and demanding a proper answer. Obviously it all came out in a big argument and he didn’t want to marry me or commit to me in that way. Happy to have kids with me but didn’t want to be “tied down” by marriage. Prick.

Needless to say the relationship ended pretty quickly after that and I met my now DH six months later and married him three years after that with a gorgeous DS and another on the way. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy of staying with this man because you’ve invested so much time in him. Focus on what you actually want and if marriage is important to you, you must be prepared to walk away.

If he doesn’t want to get married there’s always the option of a civil partnership which would give you the security you want?

He doesn’t want to get married, if he were traditional he wouldn’t be thinking of having kids outside of marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you are fine with with a small wedding he doesn’t want any wedding. It’s ok to be upset by that. You just have to decide whether you are ok with it and whether it’s a dealbreaker for you.

I don’t think it’s right to put pressure on someone to get married tbh and I don’t think it matters how you explain it. it’s just not something he wants.

I don't blame you for being upset about it, but you can't expect someone to marry you if they simply don't want to. I hope he comes to his senses.

It's really sad and frustrating to read that you've waited for this for 10 years and are thinking 'if we were to have kids' when you are 40 years old and your window (but not his) for getting pregnant and having kids is diminishing rapidly. Honestly you both need to grow up. You are right that getting yourself onto a proper legal footing is the safe thing to do, and he is being a dick for staying in a relationship and stringing you along, even if unintentionally. His reasoning for not getting married is ridiculous.

But you are not a bride in a shop window waiting to be chosen. This is the 2020s, your female forebears have fought for and earned the right to stand on their own feet, be financially independent and to safeguard their assets and rights in a relationship. Don't throw these advantages away. Work out what works for you, tell him and if he's not prepared to help you, then walk away.

Just in case anyone else is misled by previous poster's assertions:

The link I posted says very clearly:
"As far as the law is concerned next of kin means nothing with the exception of children aged under 18."
"Next of kin is a title that can be given, by you, to anyone from your partner to blood relatives and even friends. ....you have no legal rights as a result of this title. This can create difficulties if you haven’t put additional measuresin place to manage your relative or loved one’s affairs. If you do not have any legal rights, you cannot make decisions on their behalf."
www.howellslegal.co.uk/news/post/Next-of-Kin-What-are-my-Rights

The Citizens Advice Bureau says, also very clearly (para headed 'irregular marriages' ), that common-law marriage does not exist in Scotland:
"It is a common misunderstanding that a couple will have established a common-law marriage after living together for a period of time. This is not the case. Common-law marriage does not exist in Scotland."
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership-s/living-together-and-opposite-sex-marriage-legal-differences-s/

Nicely cut out the part that said that anyone can apply to be next of kin for someone else. My partner is my next of kin. I’m his. Just like would happen if we are married. Being married or being a registered next of kin does not give you power of attorney though.

“Next of kin is a title that can be given, by you, to anyone from your partner to blood relatives and even friends. It is also possible to name more than one person as your next of kin. This is a title that is primarily used in order for emergency services to know who to keep informed about an individual’s condition and treatment.”

Nobody said common law marriage exists in Scotland. However, cohabiting couples can be offered the same protections without being married/in a civil partnership.

www.edinburghfamilylaw.co.uk/services/cohabitation/cohabitation-agreements/

And the actual legislation:

www.legislation.gov.uk/asp/2006/2/crossheading/cohabitation

Also the idea that you would waste your time going through fertility issues with a man who is so obviously stringing you along with his marriage scraps is beyond sad.

You desperately need counselling and you need it now.

You are being humiliated by him in your fear with waiting for him to decide 🙄.......will he deign to marry you.????????????......all wrapped up in your fertility challenges.

Ten years from now you are going to view this bullshit SO differently.

You will view him and his issues SO differently.

You will be furious that you handed him over complete control.

Get yourself some therapy because you have danced enough around this twat and his stringing you along.

Take control of this situation because you are utterly drifting and when you eventually stop and wake up, you are going to be furious with yourself for doing so.

Really wishing you bravery and strength.

I feel for you - it's as though you're saying, "You don't have to REALLY marry me..."

You deserve so much more than this.

I think you should start making plans for whatever else you want to do in your life, then when he questions you, say, "Well it's pretty clear we don't have the sort of future I want, so I decided to make my own plans."

This! Telling you about the jeweller ‘you might like’ who is renowned for engagement rings, leading you to expect the proposal you’ve been asking for for years, then not proposing? Knowing that it would confuse and upset you? What a twat! Why are you still with him? Grow a pair!

As for the posters advising you to suggest a civil partnership instead of ‘a marriage’, as if the principal features of marriage were a white frock and a big party, and it was only those things the OP’s partner objected to: have you not worked out that this man doesn’t want to commit to the OP under any circumstances? And no way is he proposing on Valentine’s Day either, for anyone suggesting that to the OP.

@ConfusedFlamingo i can see why you’re really torn about what to do if he says no to marriage after your chat because you have been together for so long. But I think I would be worried that you have made it clear it to him how important it is for you to be married and he either doesn’t feel the same way or doesn’t care. If he agrees to get married after you effectively give him an ultimatum, do you really want to be married to someone who needs ultimatums before committing? Don’t fall victim to sunk cost fallacy. All things to think about.

Hate to say it gut he could be stringing you along. Sometimes these marriage-shy men meet a woman and marry her within months.

I know him, and if we do get married / civil partnership then I know he will want to be the one to propose

But he hasn't, has he.

I think he would see it as me 'forcing' the situation

But that is what you would be doing, and what you need to do.

No I advise but have you posted this before?
i am convinced I read these exact words a few months ago. Even some replies seem familiar 😳

No advice *

Oh these threads pop up all the time. They are all pretty much the same, yes even word for word! So many women thinking they have to sit around waiting patiently for years for a man to decide if they are good enough to marry.
Really very odd!

I'd assume if you're TTC he's planning on staying with you so be direct. Why does he need to propose. Just ask him to marry you and when he says yes go straight into planning the wedding.
Of course if he is reluctant or gives 'mañana ' answers you need to be ready with your response. How important is it to you? Enough to imagine yourself with someone else who does want to he married?
In the meantime I'd put TTC to one side. Do consider how you present this to him. You're not begging him to do this for you, you're offering him the opportunity of a lifetime.

@MyrtleTheTurtleQueen because I know how he is and know he's quite traditional in some senses and wouldn't want to be proposed to (I think he would see it as me 'forcing' the situation).

He knows which way his bread's buttered, doesn't he? Happy enough to be 21st century when it comes to accessing sex, companionship and presumably income in a partner, but the traditionalist part conveniently kicks in when it comes to things he's less keen on. Men like that are twats.