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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed DP hasn't proposed

207 replies

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 16:55

I feel a bit pathetic even writing this... but I can't help but be disappointed and sad.

DP and I have been together for 10 years. For the past 4 years or so I have mentioned that I would like to get married – I have also made clear that I'm not interested in a big, fancy wedding and that I'd be just as happy with civil service or us eloping somewhere just the two of us (nothing elaborate, just a holiday with a civil service somewhere). I have discussed with him that it would make me feel more secure as 'de facto' is not a thing here in the UK (I'm from Aus where couples have the same rights as a married couple after cohabitating for a certain number of years). This isn't something I've brought up constantly – maybe once or twice a year. I'm worried that if we were to have kids, or one of us were ill, or were to pass away that everything would be that much more difficult as we wouldn't be seen as being 'family'. For context, we don't have kids – we were TTC but are going through fairly significant fertility issues.

He has not been that keen whenever I have brought marriage up (his parents did not have a happy marriage, and he has had several friends divorce shortly after getting married), but last year asked if it was something I was still interested in. I said it definitely was. He asked again a few months later. Towards the end of the year, he told me about a jeweller he had seen on IG whose work he thought I would like (which is a pretty unusual thing for him to do) – the jeweller in question specialises in engagement jewellery and her work is definitely my style, and I told DP I loved it. And, I kind of felt that maybe he was about to propose... it was my birthday recently and I really thought that I might be getting a ring.. but obviously didn't. I didn't say anything, but can't help but feel disappointed.

I don't know what to do. I've told him that it's important to me. He knows why. I'm not asking for anything ridiculous. I honestly don't even care if there is a ring, I just want the security of being recognised as being each other's family. I don't want to become that girl that forces a partner to get married, but after 10 years and approaching 40 I also don't want to be in this situation. I feel a bit stupid and pathetic even writing this but I just feel like I need some advice.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 20/01/2023 18:09

Don't be so passive; you can propose to him.

"Lets get married in summer".

BloodAndFire · 20/01/2023 18:09

ConfusedFlamingo · 20/01/2023 17:36

@Colderthanever well regardless of whether it's big or small – it's not something I want nor is it something I've ever been interested in. In all my posts, I've expressed that my reasons for wanting to be married / in a legal partnership are for the rights that we would automatically have if I were in my home country (in which case I wouldn't be wanting to have this conversation at all). So please don't assume to tell me that I'm 'downplaying' what I want. If anything, I resent being put into a situation where I have to have some kind of legal partnership for my 10-year-long relationship to be recognised if one of us were to get ill or pass away etc.

I obviously do need to have a proper conversation with my partner, but first need to work out what my expectations are around that conversation and what it means if it isn't something he wants.

Luckily, in this country, people have to actively sign up to being 'official', rather than having it happen by default.

If you want those rights, ask for them. If he refuses, you know where you stand.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 20/01/2023 18:13

Please don't compromise OP. I would absolutely not have considered children without marriage or a civil partnership. For me to compromise my career, pension , income and health, I needed soon form of indication from him of serious commitment.

I'll tell you one thing OP.. if he's reluctant now you have even less hope once you are pregnant.

In the harsh but nonetheless accurate words of my late grandmother. 'who buys milk when the cow came for free'

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 18:13

I’d wait until Valentine’s Day and if nothing happens then have a chat with him. If no wedding date is set at tgr end of that chat I’d be ending it.

People saying wait until Valentines Day are just playing into the worst tendencies of the traditional of passively waiting. This is really bad advice.

This man has known for most of the past decade that marriage is important to the OP and she wants to marry him. If he doesn’t want to do it (which he clearly doesn’t), Valentine’s isn’t going to swing it for him.

So the OP keeps on passively waiting, Valentines comes and goes without the mythical proposal and the OP feels even worse about the situation and has even less control and confidence.

OP please ignore this. Decide whether or not the deal on the table, which is probably years of further waiting and obfuscation, is good enough and act accordingly. Do it tonight if you need to. Valentines doesn’t come into this.

C1N1C · 20/01/2023 18:15

Why is marriage necessary? You've been together for years... clearly he's happy with you, maybe he just doesn't fancy marriage.

Hello12345678910 · 20/01/2023 18:15

Maybe he's saving up for the ring from Instagram?
Valentines days coming up...

Failing that; you propose to him??

Hadtochangeforthisone · 20/01/2023 18:16

.. and yes .. engagements are bollox. Just Another way to try and look good, and like he's being serious, when in fact doing nothing but stringing you along. The only engagement that is worthi anything is one that comes with an agreed date in the near future.

Cocobutt · 20/01/2023 18:16

I am someone who doesn’t want to get married and I am very honest about it.

You need to be more blunt with him.

Sit him down and tell him that he needs to be honest if he doesn’t want to get married.

If he says he does then say he’s got 6 months to propose or you can skip the proposal completely and agree that you are now engaged and book a date for the wedding together this weekend.

It would upset me more if he is pretending to want to get married just so you don’t leave.

I always feel it’s a bit off when a female proposes to a male as I feel if he wanted to marry you he would have asked. So I definitely wouldn’t do this with him.

Cocobutt · 20/01/2023 18:18

I do agree with a PP that you should wait until after Valentine’s Day as if he’s been looking at a jewellers then he could be planning it for then - don’t get your hopes up though.

NEmama · 20/01/2023 18:18

Why don't you ask him?

KateMcCallister · 20/01/2023 18:21

KrisAkabusi · 20/01/2023 16:59

Stop expecting a proposal. Tell him you want to get married, for all the reasons you mentioned here, and tell him it's happening in six months. You'll know after that if it's going to happen or not.

This is pretty much what I did. He did want to get married, he is just very much a procrastinator and takes ages to get into gear with anything.

I told him I wanted to get married that year, found some dates for the register office. He did then "propose" once we'd booked it. He regularly says it was the best day of his life and we have been happily married for some years now.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/01/2023 18:21

You are going to have to have an adult conversation about it, so you know where you stand. After ten years, he needs to act on it or let you know he doesn't want to get married.

I have little patience for the fact that he might want to propose - he's had the opportunity. I know that might be sad for you, as I wonder if you would like to be proposed to, but after this period of time, it seems increasingly unlikely he will spontaneously propose without you prompting it.

I don't think it is unreasonable for either of you to feel the way you do, but if one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't you need to try and work that out.

KateMcCallister · 20/01/2023 18:28

@WineDup I think PP are talking about the fact that if you are not married and have children, you're making yourself more vulnerable as the mother is generally the one who takes time out of the workplace, which means no earning potential.

In the event of a split you have no legal recourse to any savings etc they may have accrued, if the house is in his name only then you are not entitled to anything as it's not a marital asset and so on.

DuplicateUserName · 20/01/2023 18:28

He's so traditional that you two already live together and have been TTC? 🙄

It's funny how many men pull 'tradition' out of the bag when the woman wants to get married, but still no proposal.

Definitely stop TTC and don't consider starting again until you're married, or he'll never do it.

NonnaMoose · 20/01/2023 18:28

I was you 10 years ago. In the end I gave him an ultimatum. Cue much hand-wringing, anxiety and panic attacks on his part, but ultimately we got married.

Ten years on, I'm still pretty bitter about that episode, to be honest, even though he's a decent husband and a great dad. Not so much the lack of a proposal, but stringing me along with 'I want to be the one to propose' for nearly a decade, and then the emotional turmoil he put me through when I finally forced his hand.

He has genuine mental health issues around big impending changes in his life, but that didn't make the experience any less pleasant for me.

Good luck!

Rainbow1901 · 20/01/2023 18:29

I had a problem when DH was seriously ill/twelve hours from deaths' door with septicaemia and there was talk of amputating his leg. I wasn't his wife even though we had been living together for 6/7 years but had discussed getting married. At that point the hospital said that his daughter was his next of kin!! But happily he recovered and he himself suggested we stop talking about it and get married!!
It's all the financial implications as well - if not married and he dies - there is no help as she won't be a widow!! But you could also argue the point and say well better sort out your own burial then 'cos I ain't doing it!!

Ponderingwindow · 20/01/2023 18:32

You seem very level headed op

I personally would want the legal protections and risk sharing that marriage brings before getting pregnant.

WineDup · 20/01/2023 18:34

KateMcCallister · 20/01/2023 18:28

@WineDup I think PP are talking about the fact that if you are not married and have children, you're making yourself more vulnerable as the mother is generally the one who takes time out of the workplace, which means no earning potential.

In the event of a split you have no legal recourse to any savings etc they may have accrued, if the house is in his name only then you are not entitled to anything as it's not a marital asset and so on.

I suppose that could potentially be the case, my partner and I have financial equality (we both dropped down to part-time so we could both “keep the door open” in our careers) and our house is in both our names. We also have a will, and we have each other named as beneficiaries on our pensions should we die. It’s perfectly possible, and very easy, to protect yourself without marriage (which we both consider to be outdated, and many of the traditions surrounding marriage are sexist in my opinion)

Patanat · 20/01/2023 18:37

C1N1C · 20/01/2023 18:15

Why is marriage necessary? You've been together for years... clearly he's happy with you, maybe he just doesn't fancy marriage.

Whether or not it’s necessary for everyone, the op clearly wants to get married and her partner knows it. This isn’t a situation where both are indifferent to the idea. I’d find it very hurtful to know that my partner was withholding marriage in the full knowledge I wanted it and without good reason. And what could a good reason be? ‘Not fancying it’ doesn’t really cut it when you know your partner is keen (and you’re sending out mixed messages about your intentions). I can’t actually imagine any that doesn’t boil down to simply not wanting to be with that person enough or not wanting to share what you have with them.

StickofVeg · 20/01/2023 18:38

I think you need to think of this as drawing your line in the sand. Talk to him and say that to you marriage is important and if you are to continue to TTC and be together long term then you'd like to get married by end of July (that gives 6 months). Don't beat about the bush, give a date ("6 months" can just slip). I personally feel he's probably not up for it, he's giving a lot of excuses (parent's relationship, friends relationship) that aren't valid, because they aren't about your relationship.

KateMcCallister · 20/01/2023 18:38

@WineDup absolutely, if you're in a relationship with a partner who views you as an equal and you're very secure in the knowledge that he will never one day decide to have an affair with a work colleague and tell you that it's over and you have to leave.

Or a partner who was lovely until you got pregnant, and then proceeded to leave you practically destitute while he saved and made investments with "his money" but you couldn't leave as you couldn't afford it.

Neither of the above have happened to me but it's a common theme (unfortunately) on posts I see here on MN.

oobedobe · 20/01/2023 18:40

I think after all this time you just need to say 'Let's get married this year', its not pressuring him after 10 years together! If he wants to then he can do a proposal after the grown up discussion.

I was quite blunt with my DH, I think the conversation went "I think I would like to have kids in a couple of years so we should probably get married before then, and he said 'sounds good shall we go look at rings."

Still got a lovely 'surprise' romantic proposal a few months later. We've been married 16 years this year and together for 22.

scryingeyes · 20/01/2023 18:40

Waiting for Valentine's day maybe?

BoringLittleMe · 20/01/2023 18:41

You sound similar to me and my now DH, OP. We were together 9 years before we got engaged and married the following year. I was 36 when we married.

He knew I wanted to be married. We ended up breaking up as I told him that I wasn't prepared to wait for him any longer. After 3 months we got back together and agreed that we would get married. He said he wanted to buy the ring, though, so I told him not to take too long about it! There was no big proposal, but he gave me the ring two months later and the following year we were married.

His reasons were that he didn't feel it was necessary, the old "just a piece of paper" line, despite me telling him of all the legal reasons why we should. It took me saying enough was enough to make him realise that yes, he wasn't bothered, but I was and I was bothered enough to leave him over it.

Anyway, long way to say I've been there and we split up before things got better. I hope you can find a more peaceful way to solve the issue!

wordler · 20/01/2023 18:42

As you said you need to do some internal thinking and work out exactly what your boundaries are around this. If he genuinely never wants to get married, do you want to stay with him?

I had a similar situation - I knew I wanted to get married, knew I wanted to have kids before it was too late. Knew I would be very sad but was prepared to walk away if it wasn't going to happen. January (after a Christmas where I thought he might have proposed) I had a very calm discussion where I told him my needs and my deadline - one year. He did take the whole damn year.