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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

204 replies

ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:21

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 15/01/2023 11:25

I don't think it's useful to expect people to be something other than what they are.

TightFistedWozerk · 15/01/2023 11:27

I think no, she is not going to change her outlook.

If you can accept that is how she is, then it is easier to not expect empathy or a bit of kindness from her, so then you're not disappointed.

Can you reduce the time you spend in her company? And definitely make it a matter of your personal pride that you do not ever show your tiredness or worry to her in future. In fact, no need to tell her of your worries about the children, your husband can if he wants to.

I am so sorry, not an easy time for you. Take care.

Ihatethenewlook · 15/01/2023 11:27

I think I’d have a similar reaction to someone bursting into tears in front of me. I know it’s unkind but I’m an awkward person, it would literally horrify me. Does she offer any practical help?

Scabetty · 15/01/2023 11:27

Different generations have different attitudes to displays of emotion. She shows no empathy but perhaps crying makes her feel her own vulnerability so she changes the subject. Crying is natural and comforting so tell her you are sorry that you show your emotions differently but to be strong for your children you sit in your feelings to process them and don’t hide them as that is unhealthy in your opinion. Then never seek emotional support from her again.

TightFistedWozerk · 15/01/2023 11:28

Or what Stephanie said in about 6 words, great post.

Original poster
ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:28

StephanieSuperpowers · 15/01/2023 11:25

I don't think it's useful to expect people to be something other than what they are.

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 15/01/2023 11:29

You've called her "out"? this is normally code for showing you think you are justified in attacking someone. That someone probably wouldn't agree.

It doesn't sound like you get on, she was probably embarrassed by the crying and didn't know what to say. She did ask, and there was nothing specific she could do, it was a very generalised cry.

I am sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment. I hope you manage to find some support elsewhere

pictoosh · 15/01/2023 11:29

It could be that you're simply two completely different fish.
You find her cold and unsupportive, dismissive of your struggles.
She finds you emotional and self-indulgent.
I'm not making any judgement either way you understand, just pointing out that your personalities don't gel.

IDontCareMatthew · 15/01/2023 11:29

@ferryi what's 'suicide rates' got to do with anything?

Original poster
ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:30

She's cried in front of me quite a few times btw. She's a very emotional person. I'm not usually.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 15/01/2023 11:30

I am trying to put this as nicely as I can, I don't think this is all about you

TightFistedWozerk · 15/01/2023 11:30

Ah now there is no need to lash out. Stephanie is right, You cannot change other people's behaviour, but you can change your response.

Invoking suicide as a tool is not kind, sorry. I am out of this conversation.

I wish you well.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/01/2023 11:30

ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:28

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

Show quote history

But hoe she responded is probably how a lot of people would have wanted her to respond. It is very personal. There isn't a "better way" - just a way that you personally might have preferred.

What response would you have liked to have? Is there something specific you would have liked her to have done?

silverclock222 · 15/01/2023 11:31

ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:28

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

Show quote history

Wow maybe look at yourself rather than your MIL!

pictoosh · 15/01/2023 11:32

My mil is a deep well of undisturbed waters for example. She's a wonderful person but it took me a lot of years to understand and appreciate that. She's not what you'd call warm or maternal in the traditional sense.

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 11:32

pictoosh · 15/01/2023 11:29

It could be that you're simply two completely different fish.
You find her cold and unsupportive, dismissive of your struggles.
She finds you emotional and self-indulgent.
I'm not making any judgement either way you understand, just pointing out that your personalities don't gel.

This.

I find all,the crying, sobbing and weeping on here quite disturbing. I seldom cry and certainly don’t do it in front of my in-laws or post about it on here, it would need to be something very serious indeed

if my dil started crying I’d give her a hug but I’d either be worried about her mental health or think she was attention seeking, unless of course it was very serious.

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 11:32

ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:28

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

Show quote history

Oh missed that. How nasty

walkinthewoodstoday · 15/01/2023 11:33

I don't think her response was useful or kind and she doesn't love you. If I were responding to and adult child or DIL I would hug them, validate their feelings and ask if I can help.

LCforlife · 15/01/2023 11:33

She's never going to change and honestly, the best thing you can do is remove any expectation and don't bother trying to understand why she's the way she is.

Of course she should treat you well and be kinder to you but she won't.

Be civil and polite and don't feed her any ammo.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 15/01/2023 11:36

Summersolargirl · 15/01/2023 11:32

This.

I find all,the crying, sobbing and weeping on here quite disturbing. I seldom cry and certainly don’t do it in front of my in-laws or post about it on here, it would need to be something very serious indeed

if my dil started crying I’d give her a hug but I’d either be worried about her mental health or think she was attention seeking, unless of course it was very serious.

Show quote history

Same here.

Original poster
ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:36

walkinthewoodstoday · 15/01/2023 11:33

I don't think her response was useful or kind and she doesn't love you. If I were responding to and adult child or DIL I would hug them, validate their feelings and ask if I can help.

Yeah this is kind of what I mean, it's just basic.

Especially as I'm a few months from having had a baby. She knows it's tough for me. I don't talk about it to her. I am sure she knows I have PND. I just think she could have been kinder here, that's all.

I think we could all be kinder. You never know what others are going through and how alone someone feels and how your words can have a deep impact on them.

OP posts:
Pearsandclocks · 15/01/2023 11:36

I would probably act the same. I don’t do well with people crying to be honest. I’m not an emotional person. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. I’m sympathetic when someone has list someone but not if domeibd is having a bad day.

Pearsandclocks · 15/01/2023 11:37

*If they’re having a bad day

Original poster
ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:37

Pearsandclocks · 15/01/2023 11:36

I would probably act the same. I don’t do well with people crying to be honest. I’m not an emotional person. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. I’m sympathetic when someone has list someone but not if domeibd is having a bad day.

Maybe look into it a bit. Lots of people struggle and being super cold towards them, doesn't help at all. Maybe some standard phrases like ' I understand how you're feeling. What can I do to help ? ' would be a start.

OP posts:
TrentCrimm · 15/01/2023 11:40

ferryi · 15/01/2023 11:28

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

Show quote history

You're not above a bit of emotional manipulation then...