What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

I went to a lovely but sad funeral last week following an expected tragic death. Out of the congregation of about 140 people about 100 people over the age of 65 not one that I could see cried, just about everyone under the age of 55 were in bits. I think it is very generational.

I don't like the phrase 'do better'. When people use it they mean 'think like me' 'behave like me'.

You and your mother in law are probably be very different people. She wasn't mean to you but she isn't going to give you what you are seeking.

It sounds as if you have been judgemental and manipulative towards her, yet now you are wanting her sympathy. It takes a very generous person to overlook previous obnoxious behaviour.

This is a really nasty and potentially very hurtful thing to say. And it wasn’t Stephanie’s point at all. Of course we should all try and show compassion and kindness and you MIL did not on this occasion, but holding onto anger towards her won’t help. If you want her to change maybe talk to her about how low you were feeling and how her reaction was unhelpful.

@Winniethepig this is spot on OP. IMO I suspect you needed a cup of tea, proper hug and a chat where you felt heard and in a safe conversation about your concerns for your family. You probably weren’t seeking solutions or answers - just a MIL who would listen unconditionally and in acceptance of your needs.

Sadly the older generation has not learned how to deal with emotions or “outbursts”. It is all uncharted territory and especially with a DIL, esp if they have raised boys to “remain strong” motto.

Not defending your MIL, MIL has most likely repressed her own feelings or memories from her own family raising days hence being stand-off & emotionally vacant mother.

Wow this is brilliant! No idea if it applies to you op, but I spend my life 'pandering' to people's lack of emotional resilience.' Resilience can be improved - people have a responsibility to work on their resilience just as much as others have a responsibility to work on kindness. Also it's not warm vs cold fish. It's flakey vs practical.

Sadly the older generation has not learned how to deal with emotions or “outbursts”. It is all uncharted territory and especially with a DIL, esp if they have raised boys to “remain strong” motto

The older generation may deal with emotion in a different way. It doesn't mean that they don't deal with it or that their way is wrong.

My thoughts exactly. Let’s not improve upon ourselves and learn to be better, let’s just continue to be cold and shitty.

OP, I’m sorry your MIL reacted this way. I’m quite stunned at some of the responses on here condoning it. You’re a human being with feelings and emotions, and you’re allowed to cry. Your MIL should be someone you can lean on, but unfortunately she isn’t. I couldn’t imagine responding to someone in such a way, I would just want to hold them and ask what I can do to help. I would advise not confiding in her in the future (providing you can help it!”), only because you don’t deserve to have more on your shoulders than you already do.

Sending hugs and kisses 😘

I agree OP. That's a very cold way to respond to you.

It’s unkind. I’d hug someone and comfort them in that situation. I had a cold MIL like yours. I get on better with her now she exMIL. She would do stuff like this particularly when we were alone so there were no witnesses to her coldness and unkindness. I found is incredibly difficult , I had very loving parents. My exH was just used to it and able to let it go although occasionally he’d stop speaking to her when she’d said something hurtful to him.

I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time, OP and I hope you and the dc all feel much better soon.

This. You’re openly critical of an older woman, who doesn’t appear robust at all. The only person’s behaviour you can change or control is your own. You are expecting her to be a robot and what you need rather than the person she is.

I'm not sure 'the older generation' needs invoking so heavily. The OP has a newborn so potentially her MiL is in her early 50s.

My mum can be a bit of a cold fish, I love her very much and she's a lovely human in other ways but she's not who I'd choose to go to for a cry and a whinge. Just one of those things.

You are very rude op

I wonder if this is part due to your MIL reaction to you

I think we could all be kinder

Anyone who reacts differently to the way I want and expect them to react is an uneducated arsehole and I’m implying they are responsible for suicide

So kind.

It’s not pandering to acknowledge and validate feelings but then go on to ask what that person is going to do. Validating doesn’t mean solving problems for the person. Having your feelings dismissed as somehow a fault isn’t helpful to maintaining a relationship.

I think your mil is probably rooted in the 60s.
Id give FIL a hug, make a cup of tea and ask what I can do to help, same as I’d do for anyone who was upset. Sometimes just talking about the worries and splitting the+load helps. And I remember the days of endless sickness with small children well, it was exhausting.

NOT fil ( I’m not that weird) DIL

I’m so sorry OP. That sounds hard to be on the receiving end of.

It’s also incredibly sad that she has received such little empathy in her own life that she just doesn’t know what to do when faced with someone feeling low and needing comfort. It must be very hard to have lived so closed a life.
I also wonder what her son is like (assuming you’re married to a man?). If he never received kind, affirming listening- can he offer it to you?

For yourself, where can you find that empathy? When I had PND I joined a free listening group. Where parents would WhatsApp and arrange to listen to strangers with warmth and empathy. It was amazingly healing.

wow there is some real meanness on this thread. Of course not every person in your life, family or friend can cope with outburst of tears but it is definitely something that many people should be able to deal with and help a friend or a family member. Kindness and empathy are skills that you would hope many many people have and not just experts.

Yes. Let’s pretend to our kids that it’s not ok to be human. Let’s pretend life is fairy tales and roses.

That way, when they grow up, they’ll be perfectly functioning adults with a great understanding of their feelings and emotions…..

You aren't related to this woman. If she says or does anything to hurt you then take it to your DH. She's his problem to deal with, not yours.

She doesn't care deeply about you, and that won't change. You and your DH need to manage it between you so you spend less time alone with her.

My mil is lovely and kind but she isn't my mate. Crying in front of her would be taken on some subconscious level as a criticism of her son. Weep and wail and open your heart to anyone but her.

I had pnd too so you have my sympathy. I'd have hugged you.

MIL has most likely repressed her own feelings or memories from her own family raising days hence being stand-off & emotionally vacant mother.

It often strikes me that the people who claim to be emotionally enlightened say the most unpleasant things.

There's only one thing worse than crying on your own and that's crying in front of an unsympathetic person. I really feel for you.

How did you react when MIL broke down in tears in front of you? Did you give her everything she needed at that time too?

Honestly though, some people can't cope with other adults crying and they shouldn't have to. Look elsewhere for your emotional support, start with your DH.

This. People are all different and I don't necessarily think thats a bad thing. As a PP said, sometimes the nice cuddle and a cup of tea isn't the right route to take. My SIL goes running and crying to my overly nice MIL instead of her own DM all the time. I think because she knows she's going to get a coddling and sympathy, instead of actually being told what she needs to hear. This is cyclical, because nothing productive to solve any of her "problems" ever then gets done. Often, you do just need to pull your socks off and get on with it, worrying and tears don't solve alot. Of course there are ways of saying things though.
I hope you and your kids feel better soon.