What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

This is so so true. It's taken me a long time to accept this with my own parents.

When I cry I prefer it if someone is a bit tougher with me and essentially tells me to pull myself together. Any sympathy tends to make me worse.
If its someone else upset however, then I do offer hugs and sympathy.
But, everyone is different and has their own way of dealing with emotions. Some people genuinely can't cope with other people being upset. I certainly don't think this makes them "uneducated arseholes"

There isn’t one right way to respond. Externalising upset is not inherently superior to internalising it, there is no one size fits all that works for all people. Some people cope better internalising it.

what is unhealthy is pressuring people to respond in any one socially prescribed way, rather than respecting an individual’s right to judge for themselves. This applies to telling people to keep it locked inside OR letting it all out.

You don’t need to ‘teach’ your mil anything. She’s not like you, and she doesn’t need to be. You know she’s not going to give you the response you require, but that’s something you need to learn to accept.

The 60s? Someone with young grandchildren now is more likely to have grown up in the 70s or early 80s, and to be Gen X, not a Boomer.

Sadly the older generation has not learned how to deal with emotions or “outbursts”. It is all uncharted territory and especially with a DIL, esp if they have raised boys to “remain strong” motto.

What a horribly ageist thing to say.

My MIL is 78 and is the most sympathetic woman you'll ever meet, just like my 83 year old ex MIL and my mum who would be 92 if she was alive.

Beside the fact everyone is different when it comes to this sort of thing, the OP and her MIL don't like each other, so that's obviously going to make a difference!

Also, it’s a bold assumption that if someone is crying they’re going to be receptive to sympathy, or being hugged.

Some people when upset are not going to want to be touched, and/or they may approach a ‘stiff upper lip’ type because they specifically want the ‘pull yourself together’ speech.

If you don’t have a particularly good relationship, why are you seeing her on your own?

Your feelings about this are entirely valid, OP. Your MIL reacted to your sadness and exhaustion with zero empathy, and that is obviously hurtful to be on the receiving end of, especially given she has clearly expected support when she herself has been emotionally overwhelmed in the past.

Yes, perhaps you can't change her. But in your case I would drastically cut down the amount of time I spent around her and her toxic lack of empathy.

Perhaps posting in AIBU was not wise with PND?

@StephanieSuperpowers nailed it in the first post actually.

What did you want her to say or do? Because actually maybe she doesn’t understand and perhaps she didn’t want to do anything extra so didn’t offer.

Reading your replies your MIL may have her own reasons for being direct, not hugging or asking what she can do.

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes.

tbh, OP, i wonder why she would be a bit cool with you? or a bit British in a kind of "chin up" kind of way? I am hopeless with people who cry, I have no intention of investing time and effort in changing my otherwise fantastic self. I will continue to pat them on the hand, make them a cup of tea and tell them what they can do to help themselves.

Where is your DH in all this being compassionate to you? or your own family? She's your mother in law, she knows you because you married her son.

I'm really sorry you're having a tough time, i had awful PND with my 2nd and it was awful. But what helped me the most, despite many people giving me a hug, being sympathetic and helping me with laundry and babies, was the ones who gave me a hanky, a cup of tea and some easy advice to follow.

If you want/need more in the way of sympathy, do you have anyone else you can turn to?

Maybe as the MIL of the woman she has read often enough that she has to mind her own business and not be seen to be interfering.

But if that's who someone is, it isn't useful to expect them to be someone else.

You say you've never been close to your MIL anyway. I'm not saying her behaviour was great, but if that's who she is, you can't change her, so don't expect anything else. Hopefully your partner is more of a support to you. That's his job.

This.
You need to find support elsewhere as either by nature, inclination or simply not realising the extent of what you are going through, she has shown you twice that she is not going to respond in the way you are hoping for. To continue this pattern will just upset you further, so you need to change your expectations of her.

What does your DH think about what you've been going through.?

What support are you getting with your PND? I think you should ask for advice/help from GP or health visitor or ask them who to contact and make sure DH is involved and understands.
I think you are worn down by the worry of having a toddler and a new baby who have been sick for what seems to you like ages and you are worried the eldest does not seem to be getting better.
It is perfectly normal for you to feel a bit ground down by this. But you will get through this phase, so keep going. It won't be forever, Let the unimportant things slide and if help is offered with chores etc grab it with both hands and focus on seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.

I think you need a bit of TLC. Do you have any family or friends who you could stay with or visit for a change of scene/ a break from the routine? Or just to help you out for a bit so that you can get a bit of self care. I think when the children are so poorly that you need to focus on getting through the day as best you can and not let yourself or anyone else make you feel like you are not doing enough. Your health visitor might know of mother's helps or similar who could help you out for a day or two. Best of luck.

The one thing that I learnt when I did my counselling training is that women, more than anyone needed to get rid of the 'shoulds' in their life. We need to stop letting men off the hook while expecting women/mother's to be the be all and end all. We are not emotional dumping grounds, nor do we have to change our personalities to suit our genitals.

I think it’s fair to say you are just different people. I have some sympathy with your MIL in that I really hate it when people cry and I have no idea what to do and will change the subject as clearly the subject we were talking about was making them upset. I would never offer a hug only on the basis that I would hate to be hugged myself when upset. However, I do empathise with people but in a very practical way. I really struggle with just listening and letting people vent as I naturally want to try and fix things and there is nothing more frustrating than talking to someone that won’t help themselves. I’m not saying this is you OP but just offering a different viewpoint.

I am a very private person and in your situation if my mil was there I’d want her to say, oh dear, it’s been so hard for you, let me give you a minute and put the kettle on. I wouldn’t want her to start to get involved or hugging or anything!

What she said though wasn’t giving you space or privacy, it was judgemental. Your kids are so young they won’t even remember you cried!

Different generation probably.

I'm in my 50s and think that people in their 20/30s are ridiculously emotional about things. I'm a 'it is what it is' kind of person. I really don't see the point in crying over things per se. I'm a pull up my socks and solider on kind of person - inspired by my unbelievably strong grandparents and their stories from the war.

It's not that I'm not sympathetic - I just don't feel it's useful for anyone to be wallowing. And it's normal to be upset and down at times - doesn't mean you're depressed or suicidal either. Having a baby and a toddler can be draining at times, but you need to buckle up - it's the easiest part of the ride!

If she is rooted in the sixties that would make her at least 72! Unlikely, though possible I suppose.

Anyway, feelings weren’t invented in the 1979’s , you know.

Maybe address you and your attitudes and stop telling others what they should be doing?

We are all different. If your MiL can't give you what you need, she can't.

How about your husband?

I would give you a hug and offer to help. If I knew my DIL had PND then I would make myself very available to offer support.
Do you have other family nearby who would be more helpful?

OP is right though. This sort of response is what stops people reaching out and ultimately leads to suicides.

Why didn't they say anything is usually what everyone asks after a suicide. And when you look back in almost every case, they did.

They said something, were brushed off, invalidated, treated coldly, felt even more isolated and dealt with it alone until they couldn't anymore.

I don't think its emotional manipulation to point that out, anymore than pointing out that smoking leads to cancer. It's a known link.

She's never going to change and honestly, the best thing you can do is remove any expectation and don't bother trying to understand why she's the way she is

This. This is a really, really hard lesson to learn in life, but its so, so freeing when you do.

Personally, I would ask if you were ok& if there was anything I could do to help. However, having cried in front of my own mother recently & been told 'you're too old to be behaving like this' I've realised that not every mother has empathy. I'm sorry she is not more sympathetic or helpful

This. My MIL does similar. Hence why I don't talk to her about things that bother me anymore. I totally see your point OP. A little kindness and empathy is all that is needed in that situation. I hope things improve for you, I've been there myself with PND and very little support, and it's hell.

You've had some really harsh responses on here OP. People love to stick the boot in. Filter the noise out.

You effectively reached out for help and we're basically shut down, which left you feeling embarrassed.

Some of the advice is spot on though, now you know she is a cold fish be more protective of your own feelings around her. She's not a safe person to be vulnerable around and will just make you feel worse. Whether she means to or not is actually a waste of valuable head space trying to work out.

Is there anyone else you could have a good cry and a cup of tea with. It's okay to say it's hard. In fact it's healthy and will help you more to let it out.