What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

I'm sorry you've felt so low, but there is obviously zero point in expecting anything (help, sympathy or even a listening ear) from MIL. Learn from that and make sure you get support you need from other sources. Go lower contact with her, clearly she isn't helping you.

Your response to a perfectly reasonable post says quite a lot about you.

People need acceptance. Sorry you’re having a crappy time.

Sorry but why are you crying and expecting sympathy from someone you say is nasty and doesn’t like you? That would be the LAST person I’d open up to in that situation. Just have a civil small-talk type relationship like most do with their IL’s! She’s not your counsellor and you can’t expect her to be one, while simultaneously talking shit about her and saying how awful she is.

About the other person complaining their IL’s won’t help with their 3 kids under 3 but go on pub crawls - their life, their choice and they’re under no obligation to help you just because you decided to have so many kids so close together. Of course that’s going to be hard.

I think people expect way too much from people these days! They moan and complain to others constantly then wonder why they get “ghosted”. The only people I would cry to would be my husband, mum or best friend. Definitely not MIL.

@7eleven that post though it's true, literally applies to everything ever said about any kind of relationship.

People are what they are and we need to accept them. That means no one can ever do better and improve?

I just find it too general and too broad and shifting any kind of responsibility away from everyone in the world.

I find it frustrating because so many times on here I read such general statements and it's just dismissive.

Was I right to be snappy ? No. Am I always right ? Absolutely not. Do I just expect others to accept me how I am ? No.

I don't think we expect enough of each other nowadays.

People are what they are and we need to accept them. That means no one can ever do better and improve?

No, it just means you shouldn't count on it. Especially from someone you dislike and who dislikes you.

Yeah that's true. I now finally totally believe she dislikes me, no matter what she says.

If you've suffered mental health issues yourself, then to me the way you've chosen to comment to the OP is quite unpleasant tbh. You could choose to show some understanding based on your own experiences and instead you choose to chastise the OP. If you didn't feel less able to pick yourself up and carry on during your own MH difficulties, that's great but MH issues affect different people in different ways and at different levels of severity.

Then again, I've noticed time and time again that some MNers treat crying like it should be a criminal offence (and seem to think people can choose whether or not to break down at a given moment/in front of a specific person) so why am I surprised the OP is getting such a hard ride. 🙄

OP, FWIW I don't think YABU in this, your MIL sounds quite unpleasant tbh (and a bit of a gaslighter into the bargain, invalidating your feelings/calling you crazy etc). It sounds like life is hard for you at the moment and your MIL sounds like part of the problem tbh.

You’re all me me me, OP. You sound incredibly exhausting and hard work to be around.

Different people display their emotions and feelings in different ways. Look at all the different love languages, for example.

Thankfully we’re not all like you otherwise the world would be in constant emotional chaos.

It’s quite clear you are in the throes of mental health and need professional help. It’s coming across in every post; you appear self absorbed and want everyone to act and react and think and be like you.

In actuality it’s because you can’t see through the fog of your own problems, but again, that is something for you to have to deal with. You should be trauma dumping on everyone else.

I agree with you OP. People who claim to care about each other should be capable of providing emotional support from time to time and should be able to expect it back in return.

But ‘do better and improve’ means different things to different people. Your MIL may think you could do better and improve by becoming more to her liking, just as you think she should become more to yours.

you dislike each other, and you don’t understand each other. Why continue trying to force an issue that’s only going to lead to more conflict? What’s the point? What are you winning?

You do realise 'you are in the throes of mental health' doesn't actually mean anything in itself, right?

Sendings hugs, you were vulnerable and at your lowest and just needed someone to scoop you up and help, not to tell you just to get on with it. I’ve posted on here before and the replies are absolutely brutal, for no real reason.

Sorry I don’t agree. Expecting everyone (even nasty people you don’t like?) to support you will result in disappointment and also helplessness, because many won’t be able to provide that, and because you’ll feel like the only way to deal with problems is to moan and have others console you. I had MH problems for years and moaned loads, actually getting up and making changes to fix my life was what solved it. You can’t change other people anyway, only your own reaction to them.

That's why there's a mental health crisis.

I am very surprised by the majority of replies on here. Has no one been brought to tears with sheer exhaustion and illness of children?

There seems to be an assumption that tears are deeply disturbing. They're not. They're just a release mechanism. Giving someone who is down a bit of gentle reassurance and comfort isn't as complicated and traumatic a job as some of you seem to think it is.

We are allowed a range of emotions in life. We don't have to be stiff upper lip and Stepford smiles.

But these two don't like each other, so any claims would be false.

@DuplicateUserName but she claims to like me and I'm crazy apparently for thinking otherwise.

@ferryi How did you react on the occasions when she cried in front of you?

Again that's irrelevant because she doesn't like you and you don't like her.

That's why she didn't act the way you would've liked and I'm not even sure why you would've liked it anyway, as you describe her as 'her usual nasty self'.

So here we are in 2023 and still women are being told that there is a wrong and right way to react emotionally.

Your MIL is older than you. Chances are she's been through more life experiences than you have and she reacts to emotional situations in the way that her experience has taught her works for her. But you know better. Not only do you want her to react in a way that suits you, you also call her unpleasant names when her reaction isn't what you like.

BTW, I'm not unsympathetic. I would like everyone to react to me in a way that suits me (none of that 'I know how you feel', when you clearly don't, for me, please). But life's not like that. Being different isn't wrong. And experience has taught me that some of the loveliest, kindest people react in a very different way to me.

I listened and gave understanding. I did my best and saw her in a different light for that time actually. I felt privileged that she opened up to me and actually thought this might help our relationship improve and get closer. But in time I realised it didn't and it just went back to how it was.

As is the case in relationships like this , where you cannot just cut someone out and not see them, there are ups and downs. Benefits of the doubt you give people. You try and try to make things work and see them from each other's point of view and you try to get to a place where you can exists together.

I was 21 when I last looked to my mother for empathy and emotional support... not only did she not show any, she completely ignored what I said and immediately started going on about how bad her life was (it wasn't). That was 34 years ago, she was younger than I am now at the time.

My mother is a narcissist, both my parents are. Both incapable of emotional support. I've been no contact with my father for 34 years, and very low contact with my mother for 25. Occasionally I forget and try and get some empathy from her, but it always backfires.

Should your MIL care? Probably. Does she? No. That's not going to change, believe me. Stop trying, look elsewhere for that type of support. You will be a lot happier.

I do get your point. But this could apply to anything once again. So according to you then, there are no standards of behaviour in any situation that you can expect from anybody?