What would you say to crying mother if you were MIL?

[ferryi]

I've been having a very stressful time with my DC. They have both been sick for ages and especially the older one just didn't seem to be recovering. I have been worrying that something is seriously wrong. I have a toddler and a baby.

I've just been so on edge and down about it all and broke down in tears in front of MIL. I thought her response was very cold and now I feel a bit better, I just think she could do better. I'm embarrassed about it and shouldn't have let her see me this way, but I really was at my lowest point and just breaking down crying without any control over it.

It happened twice. Anyhow, she just said- why are you crying ? I replied, I'm just so tired, it's been hard, I'm worried about older one. She replied you need to be strong for your kids and not cry and then changed the subject.

We don't have a particularly good relationship, but she always claims she likes me ( she doesn't and I think her treatment about me crying and other stuff she does, shows this ). We've had several fights where I've called her out on being out and out hurtful towards me and she's never owned up to it or even apologised for upsetting me, but rather always attacked me for being too sensitive / crazy / not well intentioned etc.

Anyway, I totally understand that not everyone can deal with someone else's crying well. But I really think people can try a bit harder in general ? Especially if you're ' family '

Same.

It seems to happen an awful lot even though I’m pretty sure I have a ‘leave me alone’ face.

See it’s this kind of attitude I can’t stand.

Contrary to what we are always told about #BeKind etc, it’s not other people’s responsibility to make you feel better all the time. If you want genuine help you need to see a professional not expect anyone and everyone to soothe you with words they don’t have

Thank goodness, a normal human response! Maybe the previous posters are also MILs with a 1930s 'you need to be strong' and not cry in front of family members attitude.

But you won't be able to change her, so best to look for support elsewhere.

Maybe she is worried that you are crying and being distressed in front of your toddler? I do think that can cause them anxiety.

It is not kind to be dismissive, but I think letting your husband and GP know how you feel is the way forward.

Your question is kind of irrelevant really because you two don't like each other.

So what most of us would say doesn't really apply.

There's no point in looking to her for sympathy or support, much better to turn to your husband instead.

Good luck and I'm sure things will be easier soon OP.

"Tea and sympathy isn’t always the helpful route, sometimes you actually DO just need to get a grip and pull yourself together"

That's what I was gently trying to say. Especially when you've made the choice to be in the situation. After the second baby, I made my limitations clear to my DD regarding childcare etc. To do with her MH I've supported her to go down the professional route. I will listen to an extent, but we all have the right to set our limitations.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet see your attitude is the one I don't get. I understand if someone lis constantly crying to you etc that it's a bit much for some people and they need to take a step back ( although I would still try to help in some way ) but If it's a rare occurrence, can't you just reply with kindness ?

Also if someone was consistently crying, would you not at least try to help in some way ? I don't get it. Ive supported a lot of people through hard times and depression etc in the best way I could ( Including getting access to outside help etc ). I could never just completely turn someone away.

I know but she always claims to like me, but she just clearly doesn't and consistently shows me. This is just another example !

My mother would have reacted like your MIL did. She thinks crying is pointless, hugs solve nothing and you might as well be practical.

My MIL would have given me a hug, told me I was doing a great job and then made me a cup of tea and told me to have a rest while she sorted the children. She wouldn't sit and watch me upset without doing anything.

Both people are who they are.

I'm not sure, based on your relationship, why you expected your MIL to react any differently? She reacted in the way she thought was helpful. She would probably have literally struggled to react in a different way as that's the way she is used to behaving.

What did you want her to say?

What's not to get?

She's not going to admit to not liking you because you're her son's wife.

You don't like her either so I wouldn't overthink it. Just rely on your husband for support and stop trying to get blood out of a stone, or you'll drive yourself mad.

No, you just think she dislikes you because she doesn’t pander to your lack of emotional resilience.

@ClubhouseGift hope you never suffer from depression. People who suffer are extremely resilient actually because they still carry on with life, feeling absolutely terrible a lot of the time. But they go on (some don't). Depression or breaking down, doesn't mean you lack emotional resilience. Educate yourself, it's 2023.. you sound stuck in the stone ages.

You have a right to cry if you're run down and stressed out and have sick children, its hard. My guess is your MIL probably felt this way a million times but no one ever showed her any compassion so she has no idea what it is or how to show it.

Lots of people in that generation were told to suck it up and move on, crying doesn't mean you aren't strong (you are strong), it means you're human and you chose to open up to your MIL, who didn't know how to cope with it.

Keep being you, you should be able to express emotion, just don't bother with your MIL anymore. Do you have someone normal you can talk to? Xx

@Summersolargirl and @Iwantmyoldnameback completely agree.

I also think @ClubhouseGift has it right with No, you just think she dislikes you because she doesn’t pander to your lack of emotional resilience

and, as someone else, did you cry in front of your kids?

In that situation I'd cuddle you, tell you that it's absolutely normal to feel like that and not to beat yourself up about it, and to speak to an expert about it if you needed support. Then I'd go home and writhe in hot embarrassment at the awkwardness of the situation, going over the situation and thinking that I'd probably made you feel really uncomfortable by touching you, and that I'd gone over the top with my advice or treated you like an idiot.

In that situation, my mother would be exactly like your MIL, having no clue to what to do or say and coming across as cold and prickly. This is because she had no support whatsoever from her own parents growing up, was semi-neglected and learned to survive like a neglected animal, scared of everything and everyone. She never learned how to be kind and loving from her parents as a child, and was too scared to open up to people as an adult.

That's also not to say that people who choose not to go on with life are weak or not resilient either. They're extremely strong and have lived with extreme suffering for a long time and sadly made the decision it's better not to be here anymore suffering the way they do. I understand them and don't think they lack resilience. I also don't think being Kind to Someone is pandering to them.

I think we could all be kinder

You've literally called people who react to things differently from you, 'uneducated arseholes'. but somehow I doubt you were refering to your behaviour there when you were saying we all need to be kinder.

Posters on here have tried to respond with compassion by showing you that people are different and expecting everyone to be like you, and hating them if they are not, is not the path to happiness. Yet you are closed minded to this. reserving your sole praise for the poster who is, well, like you.

Not everyone wants a hug when they are sad. Some people would hate that. So no, its not basic. Some people would feel so uncomfortable giving a hug, and who wants an awkward, forced hug?

I’ve suffered with mental health issues. It is a lack of emotional resilience whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

You cannot expect anyone else to have to deal with it. It is something you need to sort. Dumping your emotional trauma on others is selfish and unfair.

You are human. She as a woman/mother should be more understanding. It looks like she will never change. Be kind to yourself.

She wasn’t unkind to you just because she didn’t react in exactly the way you want.

She didn’t say “for fucks sake are you bloody crying again, nobody gives a shit” did she? No. She said you need to be strong for your kids, because you do.

Did you read this post from OP?

Sure.. with high suicides rates etc, it's not useful for people to learn better ways to respond with some sort of compassion to suffering humans. Let's just all be uneducated arseholes

She's pretty directly calling MiL an uneducated aresehole.

It doesnt sound like you get along very well. You are not unreasonable for crying but people are who they are and it sounds like she is quite cold. I would say try to stay away from conversations which may make you emotional and dont call her out out this. She is who she is, pour your heart out to those who have a sympathetic ear. Goodness knows we all need someone to talk to from time to time.

The fact that someone has a different way of dealing with emotions to you does not make them an 'uneducated arsehole'.

This comment makes me see you perhaps in a different light, and makes me wonder if there could be another reason your mother in law didn't feel comfortable to talk/comfort you.

If she's cried in front of you, what have you said to her when she did that?

You at least know what to say to her if she does it again in the future. Use her own words right back at her.

Unless that's what you did before and if you did, she's the one turning it back on you.